Alongside Jokes
20 alongside jokes and hilarious alongside puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alongside that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Alongside Short Jokes
Short alongside jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alongside humour may include short accompanied jokes also.
- Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt. "That was dope!"
- We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car. We sped up alongside of him and yelled out "Hey, you clipped us."
- An old lady was knitting & speeding down the highway. A cop pulled up alongside her vehicle & yelled, "Pull over!" She yelled back, "No, they're mittens!"
- What do you call it when a black man, a white man, an Asian man and an Indian man are all running alongside each other? The Human race
- An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting.
A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle.
"Pullover!" the cop says
"No!" the woman replied, "They're mittens!" - Now that Pokemon Go is a thing alongside waterproof phones.. Someone has probably caught a pikachu in the shower.
- Eggplants are part of the cucumber family alongside tomatoes and zuccinis making them fruits... And not eggs
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Laughable Alongside Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about alongside you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nearby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alongside pranks.
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Woman Who Reads
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with s**... assault,"says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
Fighter jock and the cargo pilot
A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.
The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.
"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceeds to do loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and all manner of fast paced aerial acrobatics.
"Very impressive," responds the cargo pilot. "But that's nothing, watch this." For a half hour the large craft simply plods along straight as an arrow, not even so much as dipping the wings.
After a while, the cargo pilot comes back on the radio and says "So, what'd you think?"
Jock: "What d'you mean? You didn't do anything. You just flew straight for a while."
Cargo: "Oh no, that wasn't all. I got up, stretched my legs, got some coffee, went to the bathroom..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman can't get mating dogs apart
A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.
She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**... and he will be able to withdraw.
Do you think that will work? she asked.
Just worked for me, he replied.
This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.
I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And thats how the fight started....
A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car
When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.
A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.
"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"
"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"
New beer at Tesco
Tesco have announced that they will be adding a new beer to their value real ale range.
Alongside the affordable Simply Golden Ale and the inexpensive Simply Dark, they're adding Simply Red, for when money's too tight to mention.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So Donald Trump is standing on the nearly completed US-Mexican wall...
President Trump is standing on the US-Mexico border, next to his nearly completed border wall.
Alongside him is the president of Mexico who is smiling and looking genuinely pleased.
**Trump**: I have just added the final brick onto the wall so it is now complete. What are you smiling about.
**Mexican President**: I'm just really happy that you decided to build this beautiful wall.
**Trump**: Why?
**Mexican President**: Because you are in Mexico at the moment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Datasheet of a Woman
Element | Woman
Symbol | ♀
Discoverer | Adam
Atomic Mass | Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg
**Physical Properties:**
1. Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint
2. Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes with no apparent reason
3. Found in various grades ranging from v**... material to common ore.
**Chemical Properties:**
1. Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
3. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man
**Hazards**
1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
2. Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must not make contact.
A man notices a pig with a wooden leg
He calls out to the farmer and asks,"why's the pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "it's amazing that pig, once I fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig came trotting along, jumped in and pulled me out."
"Wow, that is amazing." said the man.
"and another time I fell asleep on the sofa. Dropped my cigarette and set the whole farmhouse on fire. The pig knocked down the front door, crawled through the smoke and pulled me out into the farmyard."
"That's absolutely extraordinary." exclaimed the man.
"And, a couple of months ago I had a heart attack whilst driving the tractor. The pig trotted alongside, jumped up and grabbed the wheel in his snout, steered it safely to a halt, then ran 12 miles to get me a doctor."
"That is truly amazing. Unbelievable." Said the man, "but what's with the wooden leg?"
"Ah", said the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man saw an unusual f**... procession
At the head of the procession was a man leading a labrador on a leash, following 2 slowly moving hearses. He cannot contain his curiosity and walks alongside the man at the head of the procession to offer his condolences.
"Sorry for your loss, who's in the hearse in front?"
"My wife"
"How did she die, if you dont mind my asking?"
"See this dog?" Says the bereaved man pointing to his labrador, It attacked and killed her."
"Dear me, who's in the second hearse?"
"My mother in law, she was trying to shield my wife from the dog and it attacked and killed her too."
They walk on for a little while longer in silence, when he asks
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
