Almonds Jokes

Following is our collection of chocolate humor and lug one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Almonds puns for adults, dirty hickory jokes or clean walnuts gags for kids.

There is an abundance of almond jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 30 funniest jokes on almonds. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any granola witze you can hear about almonds.

The Best jokes about Almonds

The nice old lady..

An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.

Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"

Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."

Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"

Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P

What's the hardest part about being a vegan?

Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

Old lady on the bus

There was an old lady who would ride on the bus every day. Every time she would get off the bus she would hand the bus driver a handful of almonds. The bus driver appreciated the old lady's good deeds however one day he asked her why she gave him a handful of almonds every time she got off the bus. She stated that she had no teeth therefore she could not eat them. Confused, the bus driver asks her why she had the almonds in the first place. Her response was "i like the chocolate around them"

Warning Dad Joke: Son just asked me: "Dad, do you like almonds?"

Me: "I don't like all-monds, but I do like some monds".

Went right over his head while I giggled furiously.

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says Careful son, you're heading down a rocky road.

A doctor goes to the same bar every day and orders an Almond Daiquiri

He gets to be so regular, showing up at the same time every day, that the bartender knows to make the drink and has it waiting for the doc when he arrives.

One day the bartender goes to make it and realizes he doesn't have any almonds. He does, however, have some hickory nuts. So he mashes them up and whips them into a daiquiri, assuming the doctor won't know the difference.

The doctor comes in and is presented with the drink. He takes a sip and immediately notices something is up.

"Is this an almond daiquiri?" he asks.

"No," says the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

I like showing women my big bag of almonds.

It's nice when they compliment my nut sack.

An old lady and a bus driver

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some almonds. He is happy to have the nuts but he noticed that the old lady isn't having any herself.

The driver asks, Excuse me madam, why aren't you eating any of he almonds?

The old lady says, Young man, they are too hard on my poor teeth, I can't.

The bus driver, confused, then asks, Why did you by them in the first place then?

The old lady replies, You see, I can't eat any of the almonds, but I sure love the chocolate they are covered in!

Two almonds

Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.

Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?"

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,

Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,

Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

I would go vegan but

I'm not willing to get up at 4am to milk the almonds.

Today I met a man who said that everything in the universe was made up of pistachios, almonds and cashews.

But that's just nuts.

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

You know whaf the worst part about being vegan is?

Getting up at 4am to milk the almonds

What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog.

One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!

The hardest part about being vegan?

Getting up every morning to milk almonds

Cashews are expensive, almonds are expensive. Peanuts are cheaper. How about deer nuts?

You find them under a buck.

Have you seen the prices of Almonds and Cashews?

They're nuts.

What happens when almonds die?


My friend has a travel bag specifically for his almonds.

What a nutcase.

The Bag of almonds was tried for murder.

He was deemed legally sane, even though everyone could see he was nuts.

Do you like Almonds?

No, I do like a few-monds though.

(Courtesy of my 65 year old co-worker)

What do you get when you put 1 tsp each of almonds, oats, corn flakes, and raisins in a bowl?

A muesli/measly serving.

"Are you nuts?"

> Are you nuts?


> No, I'm pistachios.


*^Disclaimer:* *^Just* *^like* *^almonds,* *^pistachios* *^are* *^no* *^nuts.*

For Halloween we dressed up as almonds.

Everyone could tell we were nuts.

So a man is driving bus full of old people...

...who have to be moved to an entirely new retirement home. An old lady walks up to the bus driver while he's stopped for gas and says, "Excuse me, would you like these almonds?" The man looks at the can of almonds and says, "Sure!" Before long, he's eaten all of the almonds out of the can. Two hours later, another old woman approaches the driver and asks, "Would you like these almonds? My gums are too soft to chew these." The man says, "Sure, but why do you buy them if you can't chew them?" The old woman says, "Oh, we just like to lick the chocolate off of them..."

I see plenty of jokes about milking almonds, but...

How do you milk a skim?

Why did the priest sell chocolate covered almonds at the fundraiser?

Because there's no nut like a religious nut.

I have decided to make caramel almonds instead of caramel apples this Halloween to give to children in my neighborhood.

So that they can suck my nuts.

Toby Fox sells almonds and pecans. Because he's a...

**N U T D E A L E R**

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes