Almond Jokes

74 almond jokes and hilarious almond puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about almond that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Almonds are not just a healthy snack - they're also the perfect ingredient for a good joke! Here are some of our favorite almond jokes to make you smile.

Funniest Almond Short Jokes

Short almond jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The almond humour may include short walnut jokes also.

  1. I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'. They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.
  2. Why do they call almond milk, almond milk? Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.
  3. Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face
  4. I switched my kids to almond milk. Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."
  5. Guy walks into an ice cream shop And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says Careful son, you're heading down a rocky road.
  6. Warning Dad Joke: Son just asked me: "Dad, do you like almonds?" Me: "I don't like all-monds, but I do like some monds".
    Went right over his head while I giggled furiously.
  7. Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures? They don't want their nuts to freeze off.
  8. I went to on vacation to Africa to get some local music and almonds. My friend asked me "what country did you go to and what did you get?"
    He got upset, when I answered
    "kenya, CD's, nuts"
  9. Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.
  10. Everyone I see looks like an almond! Most people think I'm crazy...
    But I think they're nuts!

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Almond One Liners

Which almond one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with almond? I can suggest the ones about pistachio and cashew.

  1. What's the hardest part about being a vegan? Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.
  2. Why is it called Almond Milk? Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
  3. I was considering going on an all almond diet. But that's just nuts.
  4. I know why they call it Almond Milk Cause you can't say Nut Juice with a straight face.
  5. Why do they call it almond milk? Cuz no one can say nut juice with a straight face....
  6. Where does almond and cashew milk come from? Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.
  7. How do you milk an almond? You make it nutt.
  8. What does a scientologist and an almond have in common? They are both nuts.
  9. Why was the almond tree on her last nerve? Because every one of her kids were nuts
  10. Why is it called almond milk? "Nut juice" wasnt very popular.
  11. What do you call it when you get milk from an almond? Busting a nut.
  12. What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it? Cashew outside!
  13. What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies? Almond Joy.
  14. Does almond milk come from crazy cows? Cause they gotta be nuts, right?
  15. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

Almond Nuts Jokes

Here is a list of funny almond nuts jokes and even better almond nuts puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's a bisexuality favorite candy bar? What's a bisexual's favorite candy bar?
    Mounds and Almond joy, because sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.
  • Two almonds Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.
    Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?"
  • Today I met a man who said that everything in the universe was made up of pistachios, almonds and cashews. But that's just nuts.
  • I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds. I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"
  • Did you hear about the athletic almond? Total fitness nut.
  • What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog. One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!
  • Cashews are expensive, almonds are expensive. Peanuts are cheaper. How about deer nuts? You find them under a buck.
  • I was going to go on an all almond diet But then my friend said 'that's just nuts.'
  • Have you seen the prices of Almonds and Cashews? They're nuts.
  • For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.

Almond Milk Jokes

Here is a list of funny almond milk jokes and even better almond milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I would go vegan but I'm not willing to get up at 4am to milk the almonds.
  • You know whaf the worst part about being vegan is? Getting up at 4am to milk the almonds
  • The hardest part about being vegan? Getting up every morning to milk almonds
  • I see plenty of jokes about milking almonds, but... How do you milk a skim?
  • It's called almond milk for a reason. Try keeping a straight face while drinking something called "nut juice".
  • Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk? That's nuts, right?
  • Why is almond milk so hard to get? Because the almonds have tinyyyy n**...
  • How exactly do they make almond milk? It's not like you can extract milk from tiny almond n**....
Almond joke, How exactly do they make almond milk?

Almond Joy Jokes

Here is a list of funny almond joy jokes and even better almond joy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's a nymphomaniac's favorite candy bar? Almond joy.
  • An outlaw walks into a saloon in the old wild West, wearing a candy bar for a hat. Says the bartender, "Is that an Almond Joy on your head?"
    Quoth he, "No, it's a Bounty."
  • What's six inches long and has nuts?
    Almond Joy
  • Yo' Mama is so n**..., her mouth is like an Almond Joy bar full of nuts.

Almond Oil Jokes

Here is a list of funny almond oil jokes and even better almond oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Almond oil is made by crushing almonds, Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.
    I really feel horrible about all those babies.
  • If coconut oil is made with coconuts, Almond oil is made with almonds,
    Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,
    Then I surely know what baby oil is.....
Almond joke, If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Silly & Ridiculous Almond Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter

What funny jokes about almond you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean coconut jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make almond pranks.

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all e**... nuts.

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?
Me : ok, which oil will u use ?
Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹
Me : herbal oil ?
Barber: 150₹
Me: Coconut Oil
Barber : 100₹
Me : anything cheaper than this ?
Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel of crude oil

My friend grabbed my by the shoulders and shook me

My friend grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my while exclaiming, "I'm a pecan! I'm a cashew!"
I said "What?"
My friend continued shaking me back and forth and yelling, "I'm a macadamia! I'm an almond!"
I said "Woah dude! You're nuts!"

Have you heard of the nuttiest band in rock n roll?

The almond brothers...
I'll go now

I love organic rock music

My favorite band is the Almond Butters

What happens when almonds die?


Do you like Almonds?

No, I do like a few-monds though.
(Courtesy of my 65 year old co-worker)

This almond delivery service is so annoying..

They drive me nuts!

Almond joke, This almond delivery service is so annoying..

jokes about almond