Almond Jokes

Following is our collection of nougat humor and pecan one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Almond puns for adults, dirty toffee jokes or clean lug gags for kids.

There is an abundance of acorns jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 35 funniest jokes on almond. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any planters witze you can hear about almond.

The Best jokes about Almond

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?

Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

I switched my kids to almond milk.

Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."

I was considering going on an all almond diet.

But that's just nuts.

I know why they call it Almond Milk

Cause you can't say Nut Juice with a straight face.

Where does almond and cashew milk come from?

Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

How do you milk an almond?

You make it nutt.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.

Why is it called almond milk?

"Nut juice" wasnt very popular.

What does a scientologist and an almond have in common?

They are both nuts.

A doctor goes to the same bar every day and orders an Almond Daiquiri

He gets to be so regular, showing up at the same time every day, that the bartender knows to make the drink and has it waiting for the doc when he arrives.

One day the bartender goes to make it and realizes he doesn't have any almonds. He does, however, have some hickory nuts. So he mashes them up and whips them into a daiquiri, assuming the doctor won't know the difference.

The doctor comes in and is presented with the drink. He takes a sip and immediately notices something is up.

"Is this an almond daiquiri?" he asks.

"No," says the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Everyone I see looks like an almond!

Most people think I'm crazy...
But I think they're nuts!

What do you call it when you get milk from an almond?

Busting a nut.

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

Two almonds

Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.

Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?"

What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?

Almond Joy.

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel of crude oil

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,

Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,

Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

Does almond milk come from crazy cows?

Cause they gotta be nuts, right?

Have you heard of the nuttiest band in rock n roll?

The almond brothers...

I'll go now

I love organic rock music

My favorite band is the Almond Butters

My friend grabbed my by the shoulders and shook me

My friend grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my while exclaiming, "I'm a pecan! I'm a cashew!"
I said "What?"
My friend continued shaking me back and forth and yelling, "I'm a macadamia! I'm an almond!"
I said "Woah dude! You're nuts!"

Did you hear about the athletic almond?

Total fitness nut.

I was going to go on an all almond diet

But then my friend said 'that's just nuts.'

What's a nymphomaniac's favorite candy bar?

Almond joy.

What happens when almonds die?


Do you like Almonds?

No, I do like a few-monds though.

(Courtesy of my 65 year old co-worker)

It's called almond milk for a reason.

Try keeping a straight face while drinking something called "nut juice".

An outlaw walks into a saloon in the old wild West, wearing a candy bar for a hat.

Says the bartender, "Is that an Almond Joy on your head?"

Quoth he, "No, it's a Bounty."

A popular flavored almond brand has started a new program to help those in need put gasoline their car

They're calling it Blue Diamond Fill-Ups

How exactly do they make almond milk?

It's not like you can extract milk from tiny almond nipples.

Why was Chodes almond shop full of thirsty girls?

Because he had the saltiest nuts in town

This almond delivery service is so annoying..

They drive me nuts!

Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk?

That's nuts, right?

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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