The Best 38 Almond Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Almond jokes. There are some almond pecan jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these almond lug puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Almond Jokes and Puns

What's a nymphomaniac's favorite candy bar?

Almond joy.

Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk?

That's nuts, right?

Have you heard of the nuttiest band in rock n roll?

The almond brothers...

I'll go now

Almond joke, Have you heard of the nuttiest band in rock n roll?

This almond delivery service is so annoying..

They drive me nuts!

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.

What does a scientologist and an almond have in common?

They are both nuts.

Does almond milk come from crazy cows?

Cause they gotta be nuts, right?

Almond joke, Does almond milk come from crazy cows?

Why is it called almond milk?

"Nut juice" wasnt very popular.

Where does almond and cashew milk come from?

Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.

Do you like Almonds?

No, I do like a few-monds though.

(Courtesy of my 65 year old co-worker)

What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?

Almond Joy.

You can explore almond nougat reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean almond toffee dad jokes. There are also almond puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

It's called almond milk for a reason.

Try keeping a straight face while drinking something called "nut juice".

What happens when almonds die?


An outlaw walks into a saloon in the old wild West, wearing a candy bar for a hat.

Says the bartender, "Is that an Almond Joy on your head?"

Quoth he, "No, it's a Bounty."

I was going to go on an all almond diet

But then my friend said 'that's just nuts.'

I switched my kids to almond milk.

Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."

Almond joke, I switched my kids to almond milk.

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?

Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

I was considering going on an all almond diet.

But that's just nuts.

Two almonds

Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.

Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?"

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,

Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,

Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

How to tell the church is nuts

Prayers end with almond

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

I love organic rock music

My favorite band is the Almond Butters

Why is almond milk so hard to get?

Because the almonds have tinyyyy nipples

Everyone I see looks like an almond!

Most people think I'm crazy...
But I think they're nuts!

I know why they call it Almond Milk

Cause you can't say Nut Juice with a straight face.

My friend grabbed my by the shoulders and shook me

My friend grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my while exclaiming, "I'm a pecan! I'm a cashew!"
I said "What?"
My friend continued shaking me back and forth and yelling, "I'm a macadamia! I'm an almond!"
I said "Woah dude! You're nuts!"

Did you hear about the athletic almond?

Total fitness nut.

A popular flavored almond brand has started a new program to help those in need put gasoline their car

They're calling it Blue Diamond Fill-Ups

What do you call it when you get milk from an almond?

Busting a nut.

How exactly do they make almond milk?

It's not like you can extract milk from tiny almond nipples.

Why was Chodes almond shop full of thirsty girls?

Because he had the saltiest nuts in town

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel of crude oil

How do you milk an almond?

You make it nutt.

Why is it called Almond Milk?

Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.

Almond oil is made by crushing almonds,

Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.

I really feel horrible about all those babies.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the almond acorns jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working almond planters piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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