Almighty Jokes

Following is our collection of goddess humor and forgiveness one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Almighty puns for adults, dirty prays jokes or clean omniscient gags for kids.

There is an abundance of repent jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 16 funniest jokes on almighty. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any figs witze you can hear about almighty.

The Best jokes about Almighty

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.

It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.

"Adam, what are you praying for?"

"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of the land and wish for a partner! I want her to be beautiful like no other, smarter almost as you, loving, caring and passionate. She should be delicate and graceful like a swan, yet swift and nimble like a fox."

"You know Adam, that's gonna cost you an arm and a leg"

Adam pauses a moment to think before replying,

"What can I get for a rib?"

Adam is in the Garden of Eden...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.

He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"

God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligent, caring, calm, and loving. The being shall satisfy you in every way and you two shall find love and be truly happy with one another.

Ecstatic, Adam says "Thank you Lord! What will it cost me?"

God replies "Your left arm and leg."

Adam ponders for a minute and replies- "What can I get for a rib?"

Finest Praying

Three neighbors were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty."

The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image. The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father."

The third man spoke up and said, "I don't know about those positions, but the finest praying I ever did was upside down in a well."

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."

Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"

The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."

So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a booming voice coming out of nowhere.

"How am I supposed to help?" God says, irritated. "My son converted to Christianity too!"

Susie wasn't the best student in Sunday school...

Susie was sleeping in class when the teacher asked her "who created the universe?" Timmy, who was sitting behind her, poked her with his pencil to wake her up and she yelled out "God Almighty!" Very good, said the teacher.

Later, when Susie was sleeping again her teacher asked her "Who is our lord and saviour?" Again Timmy poker her with a pencil and she yelled out "Jesus Christ!" Well done, said the teacher, who was clearly impressed.

Even later, Susie was again asleep and the teacher asked her "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Timmy goes to poke Susie with his pencil again and she yells out "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"

A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church

The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 42nd child?" *he stabs her again* the girl screams "IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN MY ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!" The priest faints..

A priest sees God

After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a hair's breadth to me.
The priest: And time?
God: Billions of your years are but a second to me.
The priest: What about money?
God smiles and says: Money means absolutely nothing to me, all the money in the word is less than a cent to me.
The Priest, gathering courage then asks God: Almighty, would you mind than, maybe, creating few millions for our impoverished parish?
Sure - says God - just a second.

The Walk

I went to a mixed religion seminar.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!

I snapped at him, There's nothing wrong with me

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.

Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?"

Zebra looks up and says "Well, God, i've always wanted to know.. am i black with white stripes? or am i white with black stripes?

The voice echoes again. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE." then the light fades.

Zebra looks at St. Peter inquisitively.

Pete says "you're clearly white with black stripes.."

Zebra, "how do you know that??"

Pete, "well if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'YOU IS WHAT YOU IS'

Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes

The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, Praise Jesus, today you will walk!

"But... but I'm not paralyzed."

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!

The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!

I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, "As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God." The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat taken aback. The tiny home is more a shack with a faded Patriots flag flying over it. Still, Tom Brady tells God how thankful he is for such a special blessing.

After the Father gives Brady a short tour of his new home, Tom notices a three story mansion just around the block. The enormous home is painted in orange and blue, even down to the driveway and sidewalks. A huge Denver Broncos flag flies off a 50 ft flagpole above the house and a Tim Tebow jersey hangs over the front door.

Brady, a little perplexed, turns to God and asks, "I don't mean to be ungrateful Lord, but I was an all-pro quarterback, I won three Super Bowls, and I was inducted into the Hall of Fame last year." "What are you trying to say, my son?" Brady responds, "Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?" God chortles and replies, "That's not Tim's house. That's my house!"

4 people in the carriage of a train – a Jew, a pretty young blond, an ugly old woman and a Muslim

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Muslim is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks, I bet that Muslim fondled the blond in the dark and she slapped him.
The pretty young blond thinks, I bet the Muslim tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Muslim thinks, I bet that dirty Jew fondled the blond in the dark, but the blond thought it was me and hit me.
The Jew thinks, I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Muslim moron again."

A man's clothes got caught on a loose edge of the train track just as the train was approaching

Not able to free him himself, he began to pray. "Save me Lord and I'll start going to church and maybe even help the poor." As the train drew closer and closer and his clothes were still caught, he began to pray more fervently. "Oh Dear Lord Almighty, I'll give up drinking, I'll donate all my savings to charity, I'll be a better man, just please please save me from this oncoming train!"
As he finished his prayer, the fabric of his clothes ripped just a little bit and he came free just in time as the train rushed past. The man looked up to the sky and shouted, "Never mind, God. I took care of it myself."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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