Almighty Jokes
17 almighty jokes and hilarious almighty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about almighty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Amusing & Witty Almighty Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What is a good almighty joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
An Easter joke.
A priest was arguing with a rabbi.
"What is great in our religion", says the priest, "is that there is room for advancement. A humble village priest can become a bishop, an archbishop, a cardinal, who knows?, maybe even the Pope!"
The rabbi answers: "What about the Almighty? Can he become the Almighty?"
"Certainly not!", responds the priest, "what a sacrilegious thought! No mere mortal man can aspire to become the Almighty!"
The rabbi retorts: "One of our boys made it!"
A priest and a nun ...
... are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm cold!" The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she's OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
This time he's starting to nod off when he's again awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm still cold!" So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he's almost asleep this time she calls again, "Father, Father, I'm sooo cold!" The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, "Yes Father, I'd like that!" To which the priest responds,
...
...
"GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN d**... BLANKET YA HARPY!"
A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.
The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.
I had to go to my Grandmother's f**... yesterday...
...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.
My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"
A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church
The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 42nd child?" *he stabs her again* the girl screams "IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN MY ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR t**...!" The priest faints..
Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.
*Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.*
'We're full right now tell them to go away!' shouts the almighty one.
A short while later St Peter returns shouting 'They've gone'
God cries 'What all 150,000 of them?'
St peter replies 'No, the gates. They've taken the gates!'
The Walk
I went to a mixed religion seminar.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!
I snapped at him, There's nothing wrong with me
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Christian?
.... who worshipped the almighty 'Dog'.
A man's clothes got caught on a loose edge of the train track just as the train was approaching
Not able to free him himself, he began to pray. "Save me Lord and I'll start going to church and maybe even help the poor." As the train drew closer and closer and his clothes were still caught, he began to pray more fervently. "Oh Dear Lord Almighty, I'll give up drinking, I'll donate all my savings to charity, I'll be a better man, just please please save me from this oncoming train!"
As he finished his prayer, the fabric of his clothes ripped just a little bit and he came free just in time as the train rushed past. The man looked up to the sky and shouted, "Never mind, God. I took care of it myself."
An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."
Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"
The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."
So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a booming voice coming out of nowhere.
"How am I supposed to help?" God says, irritated. "My son converted to Christianity too!"
Adam is in the Garden of Eden...
Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.
He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"
God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligent, caring, calm, and loving. The being shall satisfy you in every way and you two shall find love and be truly happy with one another.
Ecstatic, Adam says "Thank you Lord! What will it cost me?"
God replies "Your left arm and leg."
Adam ponders for a minute and replies- "What can I get for a rib?"
A farmer walked into a hardware store
and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.
The creation of the woman.
When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.
"Adam, what are you praying for?"
"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of the land and wish for a partner! I want her to be beautiful like no other, smarter almost as you, loving, caring and passionate. She should be delicate and graceful like a swan, yet swift and nimble like a fox."
"You know Adam, that's gonna cost you an arm and a leg"
Adam pauses a moment to think before replying,
"What can I get for a rib?"
Trump, Putin the Pope and Kim Jong-Un travelling by the sam airplane
The plane's engines are sudenly stopped, and they starts to falling. They have only three parachutes. The first one is grabbed by Trump and he sais: "I'm the most important person on Earth, I have to survive" and he jumps. The other one is grabbed by Kim Jong-Un and he sais: "I'm the mastermind, I'm the most clever man on Earth I have to live" after that he jumps. The pope takes a deep breath and sais to Putin: Go with the third parachute son, may the Almighty helps me. Putin replies: "Both of us can survive Holy Father, because the Mastermind jumped with the fire extinguisher."
A priest sees God
After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a hair's breadth to me.
The priest: And time?
God: Billions of your years are but a second to me.
The priest: What about money?
God smiles and says: Money means absolutely nothing to me, all the money in the word is less than a cent to me.
The Priest, gathering courage then asks God: Almighty, would you mind than, maybe, creating few millions for our impoverished parish?
Sure - says God - just a second.
Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes
The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, Praise Jesus, today you will walk!
"But... but I'm not paralyzed."
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!
The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
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Almighty One Liners
Which almighty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with almighty? I can suggest the ones about majestic and divine.
- Did you hear about the dyslexic Christian? .... who worshipped the almighty 'Dog'.