The Best 93 Allowed Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Allowed jokes. There are some allowed valid jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these allowed enlist puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Allowed Jokes and Puns

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Depressed race car mechanic.

Scene: a psychiatrists practice:

'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'

'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'

'Is he a mechanic too doc?'

'No, a gynecologist'

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."

Allowed joke, The Drums Must Not Stop

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed suicide so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."


The muslim

**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**

Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half naked women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.

Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down

Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet

so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have sex. the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have sex with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of sex' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...

Allowed joke, so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

Recreational tampons...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Why is a pizza delivery guy like a gynecologist?

They're allowed to smell it, but they get in trouble if they eat it.

Teehee

I always eat what's put in front of me...

...and that's why I'm no longer allowed to be a gynaecologist.

National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu

For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.

" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

You can explore allowed permit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean allowed truthfully dad jokes. There are also allowed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A rope walked into a bar...

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

Gays in the military

If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.

Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed...

...because they couldn't read them.

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Allowed joke, "Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane

They told me the risk was too big.

Where ya from Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.


My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...

I had to put my foot down

Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party?

Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog

The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

My dad and i were driving past a cemetery

When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice

"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

And i was really confused so i asked why and he said

"Because they are still alive."

Original: tumblr user @hello.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.

Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

Why do white people own so many pets?

Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?

Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"

Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids...

... no one could survive that many dad jokes!

Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway…

I'll play golf wherever I want!

A genie grants a man three wishes...

"Hello sir, I am going to grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?

"I wish I could have three more wishes!"

"You aren't allowed to say that."

"Fine, I wish I could have two more wishes!"

"Ok, you have two more wishes. What is your second wish?"

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"

"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."

The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"

"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."

"And where was He born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a manger."

"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent him a room!"

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."

The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

I saw a kidnapping in the park

Pretty soon a policeman was there, he told the kid he's not allowed to sleep there.

Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?

It doesn't have any answers.

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?

What if you have an accident?

The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.

The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.

Marijuana businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..

So long as they open joint accounts.

A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld

**Jerry:** This isn't a good time.

**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?

**Jerry:** I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?

**Telemarketer:** Umm, we're not allowed to do that.

**Jerry:** Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.

**Telemarketer:** Umm, no.

**Jerry:** Well, now you know how I feel.

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney...

The only KKK black men are allowed into

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

I wish I had a home big enough for all the homeless people in my town.

They wouldn't be allowed to come there. That's just how big I want my house to be.

Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore...

Wife: why?

Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.

Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.

Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?

They wouldn't know who to shoot

I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog

He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

The Secret Service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the President is about to be attacked

Now they have to yell, "Donald, duck!"

What sex position are you not allowed to use in the south?

Reverse cowgirl, you never turn your back on family.

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

My parents don't understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn't allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you're friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it's bad enough that you won't let me joke about it but you don't need to be a hypocrite

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.

"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"

The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.

"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.

And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots

they would be called, cellfies.

The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.

It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

Voltaire said To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.

It's time we rise up against those kids with leukemia

Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks:

"How many wives are we allowed to have?"

His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

What jokes are allowed during quarantine?

Inside jokes.

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.

But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

The Secret Sevice is not allowed to tell the president to get down

If there is a crisis they have to say Donald, Duck!

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

Trump says he'll put a cap on immigrants coming into the USβ€”I don't approve.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable position.

He proceeds to the bar where he asks the barkeep for a drink.

Looking at the string suspiciously the barkeep asks,
"Hey... are you a piece of string??"

To which the string replies,

"No, I'm a frayed knot.".

(Shamelessly farming Karma on my cake day)

I'm man enough to swallow tablets without water.

The downside is that I'm not allowed in Samsung stores anymore.

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the KY Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine

He only gets one shot

Revenge on a four-year-old child

A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.

I led the child over to my piano, where I allowed him to randomly hit a few keys. I remarked "Wow, your son has a good musical sense, he's quite talented!"

I heard the child hasn't had any free time ever since.

Why can't cannibals have friends?

They aren't allowed to play with their food

The Military recently announced the adoption of gender-neutral pronouns for all members.

Members will be allowed to choose from three options:

* Cannon-fodder
* Expendable
* Dead

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.

Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.

* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *

What do me and Rudy Giuliani have in common?

Neither of us are allowed to practice law in New York.

You're not allowed to use 'beef-stew' as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting Another One Bites The Dust



The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

A poodle and a collie are walking together

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat.

Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie.

I can't, says the poodle. I'm not allowed on the couch.

Why is the Middle Eastern mariner never allowed in heaven?

He Sinned Bad

3 nuns go up to heaven...

Three nuns go up to heaven. Peter's at the gates and he tells them they have to answer a question before they can come in. So he says to the first one "what was the name of the first woman?" She says "Eve" and he lets her in. He says to the second one "where did Eve live?" She says "the Garden of Eden" and she too is allowed in. Then he says to the third nun "what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" She says "oh, that's a hard one", and he says "yeah, you're in…"

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the allowed policy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working allowed mcdouble piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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