Allowed Jokes
130 allowed jokes and hilarious allowed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about allowed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Allowed Short Jokes
Short allowed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The allowed humour may include short permit jokes also.
- Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
- Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed? Everyone else is forbiden
- How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
- The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar" Two time travelers walk into a bar
- My girlfriends parents are very religious. The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
- Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.
- My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
- Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force? They wouldn't know who to shoot
- The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store. But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new star. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
- "Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"
"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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Allowed One Liners
Which allowed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with allowed? I can suggest the ones about allowing and acceptable.
- We cannot allow this year to end That would be admitting that 2021
- What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter
- Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies? Orphans.
- Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine He only gets one shot
- From my 7-year-old: What room are zombie not allowed in? The living room.
- Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing? It doesn't have any answers.
- Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home? His house didn't have windows!
- How do you confuse a feminist? Tell her you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.
- Are Christian's allowed to sing Eminem in church? Or do their Psalms get sweaty?
- Why do white people own so many pets? Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.
- Nice canned meat you got there Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.
- Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids... ... no one could survive that many dad jokes!
- A Muslim temporarily forgets that he's not allowed to eat bacon... hamnesia
- I'm scared of 5G It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.
- A degree in agriculture is great to have. It allows you to work in a variety of fields.
My Girl Not Allowed To Jokes
Here is a list of funny my girl not allowed to jokes and even better my girl not allowed to puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was in a first-grade class, and I saw a cute girl. I asked the girl out, but then I got kicked out of the school.
I am never allowed to teach there again. - R Kelly likes his girls like he likes his professional footballers Young, fit, and not allowed to come out.
- I caught my girl cheating with my best friend on my new leather couch... Of course I yelled at him.. He's not allowed on the couch.
(Made this one up this morning.. Still playing with the wording) - Why was the triangle sad? Because hes not allowed to date acute girl, so he's trying to look at it from another angle
- Are questions allowed here? I need help THINKING of some jokes. I'm going to a basketball game with a girl, and I need some hilarious basketball jokes to make. Help me?
- To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same.
- I like my s**... like I like my tree forts No girls allowed
- I once dated a girl who had no p**... hair. She insists she didn't shave or wax and said she wouldn't even be able to afford the supplies on her allowance anyways.
- Great Medical Fact about Girls. A glass of wine every day increases the risk of a s**.... Allow her to finish the bottle and she might s**... you off as well.
Legally Allowed Jokes
Here is a list of funny legally allowed jokes and even better legally allowed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot? Myself.
- If the Doctor doesn't show up to your surgery You're legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.
- Once we reach 15 months with the current president Are we legally allowed to leave?
- Tom Waits for fifteen minutes and then he is legally allowed to leave.
- How to legally rob a bank If a bank teller is gone for 15 minutes, you're legally allowed to rob it.
- In Japan, people are now legally allowed to have 3 maternal guardians. Here in the states, however, we don't get Mother 3.
- What did the minute hand say to the hour hand at 6:30? "In 15 minutes I'm legally allowed to point left."
- Do you know why Michelle Obama is no longer legally allowed in schools? Because she has fire-arms.
- Did you know there is a country where you are legally allowed to have s**... with children? Yeah it's called Vatican City
- An important rule of s**... for men If she doesn't come in 15 minutes you are legally allowed to stop trying.
Weren Allowed Jokes
Here is a list of funny weren allowed jokes and even better weren allowed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the two fruits who weren't allowed to get married? Turns out they cantaloupe.
- Why weren't the American father and his son allowed in Japan? Because the last time Japan had a fat man and a little boy, things didn't end well.
- Why weren't the communists allowed to live in the dorms? Because there are no parties after 11:00.
- Why weren't the eggplants allowed into the mushroom party? Because there wasn't much room and they aren't fun guys.
- Why weren't Paul McCartney and Wings allowed to ski down a certain mountain? They were banned on the run
- I thought kids weren't allowed inside shooting range. then I went to America.
- "Hey, did you end up going to that exclusive d**... party?" ... oh, I guess that makes sense—most people weren't allowed to come
- My girlfriends father told me we weren't allowed to have s**... Which is to bad because he's a very attractive man.
- What's the one thing the n**... weren't allowed to wear? Jewelry.
My Boyfriend Is Not Allowed To Jokes
Here is a list of funny my boyfriend is not allowed to jokes and even better my boyfriend is not allowed to puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard... They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.
Laughter Allowed Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about allowed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ability jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make allowed pranks.
I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Depressed race car mechanic.
Scene: a psychiatrists practice:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
The muslim
**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half n**... women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
Why is a pizza delivery guy like a gynecologist?
They're allowed to smell it, but they get in trouble if they eat it.
Teehee
National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu
For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.
" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a r**... from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the r**... top that, they thought. The r**... calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The r**... won hands down!
A rope walked into a bar...
A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."
g**... in the military
If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed...
...because they couldn't read them.
Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?
There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.
Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?
The specific ocean.
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...
I had to put my foot down
Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a p**... at his bachelor party?
Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding
A man went to see a shrink
He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog
The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
My dad and i were driving past a cemetery
When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice
"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"
And i was really confused so i asked why and he said
"Because they are still alive."
Original: tumblr user @hello.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.
Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her t**....
A boy was b**... groceries at a supermarket.
One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway…
I'll play golf wherever I want!
A genie grants a man three wishes...
"Hello sir, I am going to grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?
"I wish I could have three more wishes!"
"You aren't allowed to say that."
"Fine, I wish I could have two more wishes!"
"Ok, you have two more wishes. What is your second wish?"
Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?
I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.
Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.
Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.
I saw a kidnapping in the park
Pretty soon a policeman was there, he told the kid he's not allowed to sleep there.
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
m**... businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..
So long as they open joint accounts.
A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld
**j**...:** This isn't a good time.
**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?
**j**...:** I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
**Telemarketer:** Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
**j**...:** Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
**Telemarketer:** Umm, no.
**j**...:** Well, now you know how I feel.
Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?
Cause he was tool eight.
I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog
He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
What s**... position are you not allowed to use in the south?
Reverse c**..., you never turn your back on family.
Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?
It's i**... to drink and derive.
I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.
Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.
Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.
But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."
My parents don't understand my generation joking about committing s**... and said I wasn't allowed to...
Me: all my friends do it
Parents: if all you're friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too
Me: ok it's bad enough that you won't let me joke about it but you don't need to be a hypocrite
I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.
And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"
The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have s**... for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks:
"How many wives are we allowed to have?"
His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"
A black man walks into a restaurant..
There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."
The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."
The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.
But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!"
The Secret Sevice is not allowed to tell the president to get down
If there is a crisis they have to say Donald, Duck!
Trump says he'll put a cap on immigrants coming into the US—I don't approve.
Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.
Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19
He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation
I'm man enough to s**... tablets without water.
The downside is that I'm not allowed in Samsung stores anymore.
I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.
I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.
In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the k**... Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:
Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date
Revenge on a four-year-old child
A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.
I led the child over to my piano, where I allowed him to randomly hit a few keys. I remarked "Wow, your son has a good musical sense, he's quite talented!"
I heard the child hasn't had any free time ever since.
The Military recently announced the adoption of gender-neutral pronouns for all members.
Members will be allowed to choose from three options:
* Cannon-fodder
* Expendable
* Dead
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails
He said yes as long as there are no attachments
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting Another One Bites The Dust
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
TIL Texas is called the lone star state
because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.
One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."
Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."
The third guy said, "You're not gonna believe this but I had a business and it was destroyed by a flood and I was able to retire here with the insurance settlement."
After a pause, the first guy asked the third guy, "So who do you call to arrange a flood?"
I donate my O- blood as often as allowed, but I don't do it to help others.
The blood donation center is just the only place I can go where I'm everyone's type.
A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.
They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.
As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings
He liked to keep them brief:
Gorbachev: You want to marry her?
Groom: Da
Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?
Bride: Da
Gorbachev: Then so be it.
He was a master of the So-be-it union
Is this allowed here?
Stephen Colbert: Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?
Ricky Gervais: I'd love for any intelligence to take over.
What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?
If you dont know you are not allowed at my house.
I was lucky enough to be invited to MC Hammer's house recently.
Although, it was actually kind of boring, since he kept saying I wasn't allowed to touch anything.
My wife just said I'm not allowed to come to the PTA meeting with her this week. I think it's because she secretly knows Miss Taylor has a thing for me.
But my wife says it's because she's the teacher and we don't have kids.
My wife woke up with a big smile on her face...
I'm not allowed to bring Sharpies to bed any longer.
My doctor told me I can no longer stand when I pee and need to sit down.
He said I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy.
