Alligator Jokes

Following is our collection of hippopotamus humor and bayou one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Alligator puns for adults, dirty gatoraids jokes or clean investigator gags for kids.

There is an abundance of alligator shoes jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes on alligator. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any pet alligator witze you can hear about alligator.

The Best jokes about Alligator

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

An alligator decided to have unprotected sex...

Now he has Gatorades.

A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his crotch. He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

Alligators can grow up to 20 feet

But most of them only grow four


A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator

He asks, _"Do you serve lawyers here?"_

The bartender says, _"Yes, of course we do!"_

The man says, _"OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."_

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator.

Some Alligators can grow up to 15 feet

but most only have 4.

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

What do you call an alligator with a map?

A Navigator.

Did you hear about the alligator who couldn't get a hard-on?

He had a reptile dysfunction.


Zoology Tip

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.

"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.

$200″ – he replied.

That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.

Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!

how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

one will see you later,
and the other in a while

A little lizard

A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator on a leash... (NSFW)

As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.

The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it.

He holds this position for 5 minutes until he zips back up and tells the alligator, "Close." And it does.

The man then asks if there is anyone else in the bar who wants to try.

An old man from a corner of the bar shouts, "Boy, I'll sure try but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long!"

Did you hear about the Ethiopian man that fell into an alligator pit?

They say he ate 7 alligators before they could drag him out of there.

Alligator and genitals

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and says I will bet anybody that I can put my genitals into his mouth for 1 minute and take them out unharmed. Everybody put money into this and after 1 min he smashes a beer bottle on the alligators head and pulls his genitals out unharmed and offers anybody else a try. A woman puts up her hand and says "ill give it a try, but you gave to promise not to hit me on the head with a bottle."


What is it called when an alligator can't get an erection?

A reptile dysfunction

If someone says see you later alligator you must respond with in a while crocodile

It's in the bye laws

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

He puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd mumurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

What's green and bad for your eyes?

An alligator.

Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'


The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'


The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.


He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.


Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.


Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .

"Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile?

The spelling and pronunciation.

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator

The bar tender says "sir you cant have that here! it will bite one of my customers and i'll get sued"
The man replied " Its quite the tame alligator- watch"
He places the alligator on the counter, unzips his pants, and places his package in the open gators' mouth and leaves it there for about 5 min. After that time he puts his package away and says "see? Anyone else wanna give it a try?"

A drunk man at the end of the bar spoke " I'll give it a try- but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"

Blondes and alligator shoes

She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO !

What do you get when you cross Miley Cyrus with an alligator?

A caiman like a wrecking ball.

A Man Walks Into a Bar

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Hey got any specials tonight?" The bartender tells the man tonight there is a challenge, first you have to drink this glass of vodka, then you have to go out back and pull a tooth from an alligator, and finally you have to go upstairs and have sex with a woman. The man at first says no way, but after a few drinks he decides to do the challenge. The bartender hands him the glass of vodka and he downs it. He then goes outside to the alligator. He's out there for a while and making a lot of noise. When he finally comes back in the bartender asks,"What took you so long?" The man replies, "Where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled?"

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.

The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. I'll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

So a crow is in the woods...

Perched on top of a tree and is relaxing smoking weed. A lizard nearby smells it an looks up and sees this crow way up on the top of this tree. So the lizard asks "hey! Wanna share?"
"Sure I don't mind, come on up"replies the crow.
"Great but let me go get some water first, one sec." Said the lizard.
So the lizard goes over to the lake nearby and sees this alligator and tells him what he was about to go do and where this crow was at in case he wanted to join. Anticipating getting the munchies, the alligator eats the lizard and goes over to the crow is at and yells up "hey!"
The crow looks down and says "Jesus Christ!!! How much water did you drink!!!!!

A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.

Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle. Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go. "Right!" shouts the biker, "any of you man enough to do that?" After a moment of silence a voice from the back says: "I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes."

If there are 1000 bricks on a plane and one falls off, how many are on the plane?

999

How many steps does it take to put a alligator in a fridge?

3 steps:
1. Open fridge door
2. Put alligator in fridge
3. Close fridge door

How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in a fridge?

4 steps:
1. Open fridge door
2. Take alligator out of fridge
3. Put giraffe in fridge
4. Close fridge door

The Lion King is having a birthday party. The giraffe doesn't come. Why?

He's still stuck in the fridge

Sally is trying to cross an alligator-infested river, yet she managed to cross it unscathed. How?

All the alligators were still at the Lion King's birthday party

Sally died anyway. Why?

A brick fell on her head

So I just heard there is a disease killing off the Alligator population in Florida.

They all got Gatorades.

Words Ending With OR

A teacher asks a class to name a living object that eats things ending in OR.

First little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good," replies the teacher.

Second little boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, very good," replies the teacher.

Little Johnny then says, "vibrator, Miss."

Teacher replies, "That's a big word but it doesn't actually eat anything does it?"

Little Johnny then says, "Well, my sister has a big one and she says it eat batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm...

*

What do you call a STD you get from a alligator

GatorAIDS

I got ass-raped by an HIV-positive alligator the other day

Now I have gatoraids

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door

Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?

A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator

Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?

A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party

Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why?

A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills. He asks the bartender what all of that money was for, since there must have been over a thousand dollars in the jar. The bartender says that you can walk away with the whole jar if you complete his challenge: A. Drink an entire bottle of tequila, B. Outside, there is an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out, C. Next door is a woman who has never had sex, and you have to bang her.

The man says O.K., puts ten dollars in, downs the bottle of tequila, and stumbles out of the bar. Ten minutes later, he walks back in and says,

"Alright, now where's the woman with the sore tooth?"

A teacher asked her third grade class to

name things that ended with tor that eat things.
The first little boy said, Alligator.
Very good James, that's a big word.
The second boy said, Predator.
Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done.
Little Johnny says, Vibrator.
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything.
Well my mother has one and she says it eats frickin' batteries like there's no tomorrow!

What do you give an injured alligator?

Gatorade

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best weed in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink.

Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best weed in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!"

The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"

Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.

"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

If two alligators have reach an agreement...

... do they have a crocodeal?

What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

What do you get when you cross a child and an alligator?

An alligator.

How to tell a alligator from a crocodile

One will see you later

How does a Japanese alligator express its gratitude?

Aligato

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Heres a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks. The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. I'll give it a try, she says, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

There's 500 bricks in a plane. How many are there if you throw one out?

"499"

There are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator. What are they?
Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.

There are four steps to putting a deer in the fridge. What are they?
Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the deer in, close the fridge.

The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals are there but one. Why is that?
The deer is in the fridge.

A woman wants to cross an alligator infested swamp. How does she do it?
She crosses normally because the alligators are at the Lion King's party.

She dies anyways. Why?
She gets hit in the head with a brick.

What do you call an alligator that always starts fights?

An instigator!

A few insurance workers are gathered at lunch when...

a wrinkly, old woman walks up. She approaches them with her hands behind her back and says to them, "If any of you can guess what is behind my back, you can sleep with me!"

The men all laugh before one man yells out, "I dont know. A fully grown alligator!"

The old woman shows a big smile and responds, "Close enough!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

...and the bartender says, "Hey! Get that thing outta here!"

The guy says, "Wait, wait, he's totally harmless. I've had this alligator since he was a baby and I've trained him to be completely under my control."

Dubious, the bartender says, "I don't know if I believe you, and I think it will still scare my customers, so please just leave."

"Listen," the man says. "If I can prove it to you and everyone in here that this alligator is completely harmless, will you let me stay and have a drink?"

So the bartender agrees, albeit a bit apprehensively, not sure what the man has in mind. The man then commands the alligator to open its mouth and the beast does. The man then sticks his head inside the alligator's gaping maw, and the crowd gasps, but the alligator doesn't bite down. Finally, the man pounds his fist on the top of the alligator's head three times and still the animal's jaws remain open.

The man removes his head from the alligator's mouth and says, "See, he's completely harmless. In fact, I can do this trick with anyone! Who here wants to give this a try?"

A blonde stands up in the back of the bar and says, "Okay, I'll give it a shot, but please don't hit me on the head that hard."

What do you call an alligator addicted to drugs?

A crackhead-ile

What do you call an alligator with a GPS?

A navigator. .... *ba dum tiss*

Alligator in the bar

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. The bartender sees the man and his pet and tells the man "hey! You can't have that animal in here! He'll bite someone and I'll get sued!" The man replies "This alligator is tame and wouldn't hurt anyone! Look, I'll show you!" The man then pulls his pants down and places his genitals in the alligators mouth. The bartender stares in amazement at how tame the alligator is and after 5 minutes have passed the man pulls his genitals out of the alligators mouth. The bartender says "he really is a tame, ok he can stay." The man then says "would anyone else like to give it a try?" And from the dark corner of the bar a drunken man yells out "I'll do it!!... but I don't think I can keep my mouth open for that long."

My 6 year old niece told me this one.

What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

An investigator

A man walks into a bar with a pet Aligator

So a man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and the bartender says "woah there buddy we don't allow dangerous murdering animals in here" and the guy responds "no, no it's totally tame I'll prove it" and then tells it "open", it opens it mouth and he sets his package in it. After a few minutes he puts it back in his pants and says "see, perfectly tame. Now would anyone else like to try?
Guy at the end of the bar says "yeah, but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes