Alley Jokes
142 alley jokes and hilarious alley puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alley that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best alley jokes that unite muggles, wizards and all of us who take to the backstreets. From bowling alleys to Diagon Alley and Alley Cats, we've got the funniest gags to make you chuckle!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Alley Short Jokes
Short alley jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alley humour may include short amber jokes also.
- I was mugged today... I was mugged in an alley today, all they took was my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
- Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets? They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.
- I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash. It was a shot in the dark, but I took it
- Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it? "M-my parents?"
"No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..." - My girlfriend bought me a bowling ball the other day. She thought i wouldn't like it but, It was right up my alley!
- A man saw a small boy crying in an alley "What is wrong?" he said
"My parents died" the boy responded.
The man pulled down his pants and said "Welp, this isn't your lucky day." - A man was stabbed in the stomach in an alley... he was gonna punch him back, but he didn't have the guts.
- I saw a stranger in an alley I saw a stranger in an alley, and decided to give him $2000.
You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away. - A woman walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Euphemisms The librarian took her up the back alley and let her have it
- Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts? He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.
Share These Alley Jokes With Friends
Alley One Liners
Which alley one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alley? I can suggest the ones about alarm and alpha.
- What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy
- How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ? Diagon alley
- What is full of holes and travels down an alley? Batmans parents.
- Two Peanuts were walking down a dark alley. One was a salted.
- In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up Half to life.
- Why can't Harry Potter draw a straight line ? He can only draw Diagon Alley.
- I once had a large gay following. But then I ducked into an alley and lost him.
- I got mugged in a dark alley by K-pop stars Now I have BTSD
- What do you call a Muslim person standing between two buildings? Muhammad Alley
- What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use? Hidden Alley Ranch.
- What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl? An Alley-Gator
- Where do you go to get a new spine? Talk to the guy in the back alley.
- I passed a homeless man in an alley last week and it made me cry. I still can't sit down.
- I just started a new job in a bowling alley Yeh, just tenpin'
- My parents were shot and killed in an alley feelsbatman
Bowling Alley Jokes
Here is a list of funny bowling alley jokes and even better bowling alley puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I ask my wife the same thing everytime I knock down 10 pins in one roll at a bowling alley. "How's that strike ya?"
- The bowling alley down the street just had its 300th strike. They must have terrible working conditions.
- I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site. It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".
- So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
- What do you call at cat that goes bowling? An alley cat!
- What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a bowling alley? Elaine
- The owner of the local bowling alley decides to divorce his wife now he has to pay her alley-money
- Why did Prince Charles leave Windsor Castle and move to an alley? Because: Camilla Parker Bowles.
- Your mom is like a bowling ball she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, and she always comes back for more.
- Was reading about that shooting at a bowling alley today. Luckily some of the hostages managed to escape... They waited until 7/10, then they split...
Diagon Alley Jokes
Here is a list of funny diagon alley jokes and even better diagon alley puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wasn't that drunk last night... I wasn't that drunk
"you were standing in my fireplace screaming 'diagon alley' " - How did Harry get it in Ron's sweet Diagon Alley? A lubricantation.
Fun-Filled Alley Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about alley you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean elope jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alley pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .
. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty p**....
"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."
"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.
A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month cattle drive, asks the barman for 4 shots and a pretty p**....
"We still ain't got no girls here, but Pretty Larry is still out back in the alley, if'n yer desperate enough."
"Not yet. . ." says the cowboy.
The next time, the cowboy walks in after a 6 month cattle drive. He asks for 6 shots and a pretty p**....
"Still no girls," says the barman, "I don't suppose yer desperate enough for ol' Pretty Larry in the back alley?"
"Well. . ." says the cowboy, "as long as we can keep it a secret I suppose I *am* desperate enough this time."
"Oh sure!" says the barman, "No one will know 'cept me, you, Larry, Jim, and Roy."
"Who're Jim and Roy??" asks the cowboy.
The barman says, "They're the ones who hold Larry down."
Two young men are walking down a dark alley....
When, out of nowhere, one gets assualted.... peanut.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Mommy, mommy..."
One day a pregnant woman was walking home from work and decided to cut through an alley. A mugger was waiting and said "Give me all your money!" She complied, but then the mugger shot her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors managed to save her and her three babies. Now fast forward 12 years.
"Mommy Mommy, i just peed out a bullet!" said the first daughter.
"Sit down, i will tell you the story..." replied the mother.
the next day the same thing happened with the other daughter.
"Alright sit down, i will tell you the story." said the mom.
3 days later the son comes running up to his mom.
"Mommy mommy" said the boy.
"Let me guess you peed out a bullet?" asked the mom.
"No! I was jacking off and i shot the dog."
Two peanuts... (a new take on a classic)
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley.
.
One was assaulted.
.
The other was a'roasted.
.
What a horrible friend. Getting baked?
A mugging is no time to smoke a joint.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German woman was walking down a dark alley when she got accosted by eleven men...
...who tear her clothes apart and start to r**... and m**... her. The woman shouts 'Nien! Nien!', so two of them left.
A mugger was able to lure a woman very easily behind the building where he always sits...
She was right up his alley.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........
when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"
The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's n**...." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eating the rotten frozen dead cat.
He comes back about a half an hour later and says "Man, I don't feel so good. I shouldn't have eaten that rotten frozen dead cat." And proceeds to p**... and the ground.
The other guy starts l**... his lips and says "That's what I'm talking about, a hot meal!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I needed some money...
So I decided to rob a bottle shop with my Lebanese friend. We agreed to meet around the corner of the shop in a dark alley at midnight and go from there.
I waited in that alley, and my colleague arrives with a bit of sweet pastry stuck to his head.
"You m**...!!" I exclaim, "I said Balaclava!"
Two Jews are walking in Odessa at night...
Suddenly, in a dark alley, they are surrounded by muggers with knives.
-- Money, watches, wallets - quick!
One Jew turns to the other:
-- Abram, remember, I owe you $300? Here they are, returned to you in front of witnesses.
A boy does not know English...
After moving to America a boy does not know much English or know any at all. So one day he asks his older brother "What do I say when someone speaks English to me?" and his brother replies "Always say yes." The kid goes to his first day of school...
"What are you doing?"
"Yes."
"How are you doing?"
"Yes."
At the end of the day he walked home and decided to take a shortcut home. He goes down an alley and meets a gangster.
"Do you wanna get beat up?"
"Yes."
The boy comes crying home with many bruises to his brother and says "Look what happened when I said yes to a gangster!" The brother replied "Always say no." So when the time comes to walk home, the boy goes down the same alley to the same gangster.
"Have you had enough?'
"No."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
alley way
So a white man, a black man, and a mexican are walking down an alleyway and one of them accidentally knock over a trashcan and a genie comes out. The genie announces himself as the ratchet genie and grants each man 1 wish.
The mexican says "i wish that i and my fellow hispanics can all live peacfully in our home country". And p**..., he was gone.
Next the black man said "i was that i and my fellow african americans all live peacfully in our homeland". And p**... he was gone.
Finally the white man asks the genie "so all of the b**... and mexicans are gone?" the genie replies with yes.
The whiteman then says "alright then, ill just have a coke"
Mary Jane
One night Mary Jane was walking down a dark alley when a strange man appeared and started ripping her clothes off. Mary Jane laughed and laughed though, because she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.
I was cornered in an alley way by a German holding a sausage
I looked him straight in the eyes and bravely said "go on, do your wurst"
stupidity
A man was walking pass an alley way and his eyes caught a homeless man. As he moved closer to see the man he heard someone whisper something. The homeless man told him stay calm, cool and collected while I rob you of your money. As the man tried to turn away he felt a heavy slap on his face that sent him spinning of balance.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley
In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."
My friend wasn't feeling well at the bowling alley.
Nevertheless, ebola 300 somehow.
What do you call a bowling alley in Brooklyn?
Ebo-wling
Did you hear Giuseppe went to the bowling alley last night?
Ebola perfect game!
Some guy jumped me in the alley...!
Yeah he was so nice. My battery had run out because I left my lights on!
A Jewish man and his wife...
A Jewish man was driving down Alligator Alley in Ft. Lauderdale when a police officer pulled him over.
"Sir," said the officer, "you wife fell out of the car 2 miles back!"
"Oh, thank god!," he replied. "I thought I was going deaf."
A boy and his Father are walking down the road.
As they pass an alley the boy stops and sees two dogs going at it.
The boy turns to his Father and asks, *Daddy, what are those dogs doing?*
The Father thinks and decides that his son is old enough and tells him the truth.
Son, they are making a puppy
The boy is satisfied with this answer and they continue their walk.
Later that night after the boy has gone to bed, the Father and the Misses feel a little frisky and start to enjoy some romantic relations.
They were quiet but not quiet enough as their bedroom door opens up and the boy catches his parents.
He asks, *Daddy, what are you and Mommy doing?*
The Father thinks and says:
Son, we are making a baby
The boy then say; *Well, can you flip Mom over, I want a puppy instead!*
Three soprano thugs confront a maestro in a dark alley...
The maestro holds his hands up and exclaims "I don't want any treble!"
An Englisman, Scotsman and Irishman are being chased by police
The three of them run into an alley ahead of the cops.
"We need to hide" said the Englishman
"Look, there's 3 sacks over there" points the Scotsman
So they rush over and each one hides in a sack just before the police turn into the alleyway
They scan the alley and dont see anyone but they spot the sacks. One officer walks slowly upto them and give the 1st one, with the Englishman in it, a kick
"Meow!" He says
"Hmm, just a cat the officer says to his colleagues
He walks to the 2nd sack hiding the Scottsman. Kick!
"Woof woof!" He says
"Dog in this one the officer says" and walks to the 3rd sack containing the Irshman. Kick!
"POTATOS!" He shouts!
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are on the run from the cops...
They run down an alley and find 3 boxes and decided to hide in each.
The cops arrive to the first box, they kick the first and the brunette shouts
'' Woof Woof!! '' The cops decided it must be dogs and move onto the next box.
'' Meow Meow! '' The redhead exclaims, the cops shrug thinking it is cats and move on to the next box.
'' POTATOES '' yells the blonde.
My favorite Newfie joke
I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
There was a Nova Scotian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there's something suspicious so they kick the first bag. The Nova Scotian's in there and he says "Meow!" and the cops think 'Oh, it's just an alley cat,' and keep on going. They kick the next bag and the Prince Edward Islander in there says "Woof!" so they think 'Oh, it's just a stray dog.' So then they kick the bag with the Newfie in it and he says "PO-TA-TO!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think my girlfriend is cheating on me.
She keeps screaming some other guy's name when we have s**.... Let's just hope I never come across this guy "r**..." in a dark alley.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
in the harry potter universe, where do wizards with weird s**... fetishes go?
AYN ALLEY
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is walking down an alley way and gets mugged.
"$100 or I'll kill you!" says the mugger.
"Here's 50," the man says. "I'm already half dead from the scare."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with a homeless guy
is right up your alley
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Best lines when dealing with telemarketers
Some of the better ones
* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you r**... 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Johnny was in class one day...
and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have s**... with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."
Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.
The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The p**... and the gorilla
A p**... is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the p**...'s skirt and starts performing o**... s**... on her.
The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The p**... says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"
The gorilla just stands there looking confused.
She pulls out her phone and Googles "p**..." and shows him.
>a person, typically a woman, who engages in s**... activity for payment.
He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.
>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.
Why is OP's mum like a bowling ball?
Because she gets picked up, fingered and thrown down an alley then still comes back for more.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found a lamp in a back alley
When I rubbed it the genie said
'You may have a long memory, or a long p**...'
I forget my response
Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...
When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Harshest "Yo Mamma" Joke...
Yo Mamma is like a bowling ball...
She likes to get picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, then comes back for more.
A string walks into a bar
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender glares at him and rudely tells him,
"Get to going strang! We don't serve your kind 'round here!"
The string gets up and leaves, but makes his way into an alley. He loops his body around and tugs his body together, and then he musses up his hair for good measure. He then walks back into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink one more.
The bartender eyes him wildly and asks,
"Say, ain't you that strang?"
The string replies, "No sir. I'm a frayed not."
What do you call a black muslim?
Mohammad Alley
A mugger attacks a man in an alley, and demands all his money.
The man cries, "I'm a civil servant; I don't *have* any money!"
The mugger sneers, "Alright. Then give me all of *my* money."
Where do you find firehoes?
In the alley behind the firehouse.
What happened to the mozzarella when it walked alone into the alley?
It was Ah-Salted *italian accent*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
One was assaulted.....s**...! Not so funny now, is it?
A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"
She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"
What has 3 holes and goes down an alley?
Thomas and Martha Wayne.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got robbed in a weird way today
I was walking along the street when some dude punched me in the back of the head and stole my wallet. I chased him down into an alley with a dead end, then much to my surprise he stripped completely n**... and covered himself in baby oil, I couldn't grab hold of his arm at all. He ran full pelt into me, knocked me over and ran off into the distance with my wallet.
So I took my report to the police and they asked me to give a summary of what happened, so I said
"I got hit by, I got struck by a smooth criminal"
Two buckets of sick walking down the street
when one of them stops and sheds a tear. "What's wrong, George?" his friend asked.
"Nostalgia. That's the alley way I was brought up in."
A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,
"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"
There was a blond, brunette and a redhead running from a cop...
They turn down an alley and it's a dead end. The blond hides in a sack of potatoes. The brunette hides in a dumpster and the redhead hides in a trashcan.
The cop comes running down the alley and doesn't see them. So he walks over to the trashcan and kicks it.
"Meow!" Meows the redhead
"Ahh, it's just a cat." Says the cop. He walks over to the dumpster and kicks it.
"Woof woof!" Barks the brunette.
"Just a dumb dog." The cop says. Then he walks over to the potato sack and kicks it and the blond yells...
"POTATO POTATO POTATO!"
I didn't get on with Tinder
so a friend suggested Grindr might be more up my alley.
When I was a boy...
"I was walking along a street and happened to spy a cart full of watermelons. I was fond of watermelon, so I sneaked quietly on the cart and snitched one. I then ran into a nearby alley and sank my teeth into the melon.
No sooner had I done so, however, than a strange feeling came over me. Without a moment's hesitation, I made my decision. I walked back to the cart, replaced the melon -
And took a ripe one."
-Mark Twain
I got a flat tire recently...
I was lucky enough to have spotted it before I was able to drive off to my local bowling alley. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have any extra tires on me, nor was I willing to go to my local auto shop and get one.
Fortunately, I did have the bowling ball and 10 pins I was planning on bringing with me, so all I had to do was knock down 9 pins with the bowling ball, and then knock down the last one to get a spare.
A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.
He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He points the gun at the first man and asks him a question.
"Did you see me rob that bank?"
"Well, yeah." stammers the man.
BANG!
The gunman points the gun at the second hostage.
"Did YOU see me rob that bank??"
"NO!" the man shouts. "Uh, but...my wife did."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.
Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to r**... them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took some p**... in an alley yesterday
... and beat his ***. He was a bad doctor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dad becomes a drug dealer
He goes to a alley to drop off some c**.... The man asks "Do you have the coke?" the dad replies "Sorry we only have pepsi, were so sorry".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey dad, why is my sister named Uma Thurman?
"Oh it's your mother's favorite fall out boy song"
"Thanks Dad"
"No problem I've Got A Bad Idea And A Dark Alley That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth!"
Where do vegan wizards buy their supplies?
Daikon Alley.
