Alley Jokes

Following is our collection of backstreet funnies and cobble chistes working better than reddit jokes. They include Alley puns for adults, dirty footpath jokes or clean daikon gags for kids.

There is an abundance of road jokes out there, and you're fortunate because we've a collection of favorite ones. Check out the funniest 75 jokes on the internet, even funnier than any sidewalk witze you can hear about alley.

The Best jokes about Alley

What do you call an artist in a dark alley?

Sketchy

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

The Harshest "Yo Mamma" Joke...

Yo Mamma is like a bowling ball...

She likes to get picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, then comes back for more.

I was mugged today...

I was mugged in an alley today, all they took was my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.


Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

Two teenage boys are walking down an alley

when they see a stray dog licking its crotch.

The one boy says, Man, I really wish I could do that.

His friend responds, I don't know, you'd better pet him and see if he's friendly, first.

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones

* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?

I saw two blind guys fighting in an alley last night.

You won't believe how fast they ran when I said: "My money is on the one with the knife!"

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"

The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"

He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.

Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"

The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"

He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it

"Potato Potato"

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"


Sex with a homeless guy

is right up your alley

A Priest and a Rabbi

Are walking down a street. They see a 13 yr old boy walking towards them

The Priest says "Let's take him down this alley and screw him"

The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

Little Jimmy parents want to have some sexy times...

But their house are just a one room apartment, so they tell Jimmy to go out to the balcony, look at the street and tell them what he sees.

I see people are in a hurry, it must because a rain is coming up - says Jimmy.

Uh, yeah, what else do you see ? - asks the father

Well, I see the polices are chasing a thieft, he runs into the far alley and gets caught there. - Jimmy continues his observation.

Ahhh, yessss, Excellent Jimmy, do you see anything else ?

Well, Jane parents are having sex

What, how do you know ? - the father asks.

I see Jane is standing at the balcony and watch the street too.

I was walking down the street with my wife.

And there down an alley we saw five men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife screamed: "Aren't you going to help?!"

I said: "No, five seems like enough."

Jesus visits earth again for the first time in almost 2000 years...

When he descends from heaven the first thing he finds is two people smoking weed in an alley.

He walks up to them and asks: "Hey, what are you guys doing here?"

One of the two guys replies: "We're smoking a joint, you've never heard of it? Do you wanna have a go and try?"

Curious about what this "joint" thing is, Jesus accepts and smokes a bit.

After he's done he says: "Guys, I'm the real Jesus by the way."

The two guys look at him, nod in acknowledgement and say: "THAT'S the spirit, bro!"

The prostitute and the gorilla

A prostitute is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.

The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The prostitute says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"

The gorilla just stands there looking confused.

She pulls out her phone and Googles "prostitute" and shows him.

>a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.

He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.

>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.

A Brunette, a blonde, and a ginger

are all running from the cops. They run into an alley behind a restaurant. Behind the restaurant there is only a dumpster and a half full of sack of potatoes. The ginger hides in the dumpster, the brunette hides behind the dumpster, and the blonde hides in the sack of potatoes. The cops round the corner and approach the inside dumpster.
The ginger meows and the cops say, "Oh its only a cat, they aren't in here." The cops then approach behind the dumpster. The brunette growls and the cops say, "It's just a dog, they aren't behind here."
As the cops leave they pass the potato sack without giving it a second thought. Then the blonde goes, "Potatoes, potatoes."


Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead have just robbed a bank are are on the run with the police hot on their tails. They run down an alley and find three empty boxes, so they each jump in a box. The police round the corner and approach the boxes. They kick the first box, containing the brunette. She yells out: Woof woof! . Oh, it's only puppies , says the police officer. They kick the second box. The redhead yells out Meow meow! . Oh, it's just kittens , says the officer. They kick the third box. The blonde yells out: Potatoes potatoes!

My girlfriend bought me a bowling ball the other day.

She thought i wouldn't like it but, It was right up my alley!

What is full of holes and travels down an alley?

Batmans parents.

Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it?

"M-my parents?"

"No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..."

Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.

The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.

I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

A boy does not know English...

After moving to America a boy does not know much English or know any at all. So one day he asks his older brother "What do I say when someone speaks English to me?" and his brother replies "Always say yes." The kid goes to his first day of school...
"What are you doing?"
"Yes."
"How are you doing?"
"Yes."
At the end of the day he walked home and decided to take a shortcut home. He goes down an alley and meets a gangster.
"Do you wanna get beat up?"
"Yes."
The boy comes crying home with many bruises to his brother and says "Look what happened when I said yes to a gangster!" The brother replied "Always say no." So when the time comes to walk home, the boy goes down the same alley to the same gangster.
"Have you had enough?'
"No."

Two Jews are walking in Odessa at night...

Suddenly, in a dark alley, they are surrounded by muggers with knives.

-- Money, watches, wallets - quick!

One Jew turns to the other:
-- Abram, remember, I owe you $300? Here they are, returned to you in front of witnesses.

Two Peanuts were walking down a dark alley.

One was a salted.

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

Three Nuns

Three Nuns are walking down an alley after church.

A man jumps out in a trench coat and exposes himself to them.

The first Nun has a stroke.

The second Nun has a stroke.

But the third Nun doesn't touch him.

There was a blond, brunette and a redhead running from a cop...

They turn down an alley and it's a dead end. The blond hides in a sack of potatoes. The brunette hides in a dumpster and the redhead hides in a trashcan.

The cop comes running down the alley and doesn't see them. So he walks over to the trashcan and kicks it.

"Meow!" Meows the redhead

"Ahh, it's just a cat." Says the cop. He walks over to the dumpster and kicks it.

"Woof woof!" Barks the brunette.

"Just a dumb dog." The cop says. Then he walks over to the potato sack and kicks it and the blond yells...

"POTATO POTATO POTATO!"

A man saw a small boy crying in an alley

"What is wrong?" he said

"My parents died" the boy responded.

The man pulled down his pants and said "Welp, this isn't your lucky day."

Kim-Jong un wanted to know what his citizens thought of him, so he disguised himself as a regular citizen and went out.

In the streets of Pyongyang, he approached a man and asked, "What you think of our Great Leader?"

The man, not knowing that he was speaking to Kim, said: "Follow me. I don't want anyone to hear me."

He took Kim to a dark, quiet alley where no one will hear. Kim then repeated the question, "What do you think of our Great Leader?"

The man then went closer, whispered in his ears, "I support our Great Leader!"

After robbing a bank, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead

duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, "Meow." They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, "Woof, woof." Last, they kick the sack with the blonde, and she says, "Po-ta-to."

A boy and his Father are walking down the road.

As they pass an alley the boy stops and sees two dogs going at it.

The boy turns to his Father and asks, *Daddy, what are those dogs doing?*

The Father thinks and decides that his son is old enough and tells him the truth.

Son, they are making a puppy

The boy is satisfied with this answer and they continue their walk.

Later that night after the boy has gone to bed, the Father and the Misses feel a little frisky and start to enjoy some romantic relations.

They were quiet but not quiet enough as their bedroom door opens up and the boy catches his parents.

He asks, *Daddy, what are you and Mommy doing?*

The Father thinks and says:

Son, we are making a baby

The boy then say; *Well, can you flip Mom over, I want a puppy instead!*

A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley...

The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy! mommy! Guess what?!" And the mom asks "what?" And the little girl says "I went tinkle and the bullet fell out!" And the mother says "wow that's great!" A few hours later the other little girl goes into the bathroom and comes out and says "mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom goes "what, you went tinkle and the bullet fell out?" And the girl goes "yeah!" Hours later the little boy runs up the mother and says "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom says "what, You went tinkle and the bullet fell out?" And the boy says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"

There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........

when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"

The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eating the rotten frozen dead cat.

He comes back about a half an hour later and says "Man, I don't feel so good. I shouldn't have eaten that rotten frozen dead cat." And proceeds to puke and the ground.

The other guy starts licking his lips and says "That's what I'm talking about, a hot meal!"

A man was stabbed in the stomach in an alley...

he was gonna punch him back, but he didn't have the guts.

A rope walks into a bar

The bartender refuses to serve him, saying, We don't serve rope here.

The rope walks outside, ducks into an alley, loops himself around himself until he is short and fat. Then he messes his hair up and walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks him up and down. Hey, aren't you that rope I kicked out of here before?

I'm a frayed knot.

I once had a large gay following.

But then I ducked into an alley and lost him.

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.

He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He points the gun at the first man and asks him a question.
"Did you see me rob that bank?"
"Well, yeah." stammers the man.
BANG!
The gunman points the gun at the second hostage.
"Did YOU see me rob that bank??"
"NO!" the man shouts. "Uh, but...my wife did."

Two nuns go on a bike ride through town...

As they ride through an alley, the younger nun turns to the elder and says, "I've never come this way before!"

The elder nun replies, "That's because it's cobblestones, dear."

ba-dum CHING. My granny told me that one this weekend.

A German woman was walking down a dark alley when she got accosted by eleven men...

...who tear her clothes apart and start to rape and molest her. The woman shouts 'Nien! Nien!', so two of them left.

Two nuns were riding their bikes back to the church.

The first nun suggests they take a detour down a back alley. A few minutes later the second nun says, I've never come this way before. The first nun says, It's the cobblestones.

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender glares at him and rudely tells him,
"Get to going strang! We don't serve your kind 'round here!"

The string gets up and leaves, but makes his way into an alley. He loops his body around and tugs his body together, and then he musses up his hair for good measure. He then walks back into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink one more.

The bartender eyes him wildly and asks,
"Say, ain't you that strang?"
The string replies, "No sir. I'm a frayed not."

Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

Bill and Steve walk out of a bar after having a few drinks together...

Around the corner, a masked man steps from an alley and points a gun at them. "Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!"

Bill says, "Hold on! Just gimmie 10 seconds!" He turns to Steve and says, "Here's that $100 I owe you, man."

What travels down an alley and has holes in it?

Bruce Wayne's parents

I saw a stranger in an alley

I saw a stranger in an alley, and decided to give him $2000.

You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away.

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says "potatoes".

A man goes to confession and says...

"forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What have you done my child?" asked the priest.

"I kidnapped a little boy, and sent the family a ransom note." he told the priest.

"Why don't you just return the boy?" asked the priest.

"Because the cops are swarming all over the apartment where he lives!" answered the man.

"Why not leave him outside in an alley, so he can go home himself?" asked the priest.

"Because he lives in a very seedy part of town, and I don't want him getting raped by one of the sickos outside." declared the man.

"Well" said the priest "I was going to offer to take the boy home, but now I don't think you would approve".

A Jewish man and his wife...

A Jewish man was driving down Alligator Alley in Ft. Lauderdale when a police officer pulled him over.

"Sir," said the officer, "you wife fell out of the car 2 miles back!"

"Oh, thank god!," he replied. "I thought I was going deaf."

Three guys are doing heroin in a back alley...

The first guy takes an alcohol swab and wipes the needle down, then injects the heroin into his arm. He then passes the needle to the next guy, who swabs the needle, then injects the drug. After taking his drug, he hands the needle to the third one, who grabs the needle and jams it into his arm, without even sterilizing the needle with the alcohol. The other two scream at him, Are you crazy!?? You're gonna get AIDS. The third man merely chuckles and replies, Don't be stupid, I'm wearing a condom!

Two Nuns On Bikes

Two nuns, Maria and Angelica, are riding their bicycles on their way to work at the Vatican. They're running late, so Maria says, "I know a shortcut. Let's go down this alley." They turn right onto the alley, which soon becomes a narrow cobblestone road, with many twists and turns. Angelica remarks, "wow, I never came this way before." Maria tells her, "it's the cobblestones."

A woman walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Euphemisms

The librarian took her up the back alley and let her have it

A mugger was able to lure a woman very easily behind the building where he always sits...

She was right up his alley.

Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?

He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.

What do you call a Muslim person standing between two buildings?

Muhammad Alley

2 women are going for a bike ride.

They turn down an old alley way. one woman says to the other

"I've never come this way before."

the other woman says

"yeah, i think it's the cobble stones."

I got robbed in a weird way today

I was walking along the street when some dude punched me in the back of the head and stole my wallet. I chased him down into an alley with a dead end, then much to my surprise he stripped completely naked and covered himself in baby oil, I couldn't grab hold of his arm at all. He ran full pelt into me, knocked me over and ran off into the distance with my wallet.

So I took my report to the police and they asked me to give a summary of what happened, so I said

"I got hit by, I got struck by a smooth criminal"

I think my girlfriend is cheating on me.

She keeps screaming some other guy's name when we have sex. Let's just hope I never come across this guy "rape" in a dark alley.

What goes down an alley and has three holes in it?

Batman's Parents

An Englisman, Scotsman and Irishman are being chased by police

The three of them run into an alley ahead of the cops.

"We need to hide" said the Englishman

"Look, there's 3 sacks over there" points the Scotsman

So they rush over and each one hides in a sack just before the police turn into the alleyway

They scan the alley and dont see anyone but they spot the sacks. One officer walks slowly upto them and give the 1st one, with the Englishman in it, a kick

"Meow!" He says

"Hmm, just a cat the officer says to his colleagues

He walks to the 2nd sack hiding the Scottsman. Kick!

"Woof woof!" He says

"Dog in this one the officer says" and walks to the 3rd sack containing the Irshman. Kick!

"POTATOS!" He shouts!

A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .

. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty prostitute.

"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."

"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.

A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month cattle drive, asks the barman for 4 shots and a pretty prostitute.

"We still ain't got no girls here, but Pretty Larry is still out back in the alley, if'n yer desperate enough."

"Not yet. . ." says the cowboy.

The next time, the cowboy walks in after a 6 month cattle drive. He asks for 6 shots and a pretty prostitute.

"Still no girls," says the barman, "I don't suppose yer desperate enough for ol' Pretty Larry in the back alley?"

"Well. . ." says the cowboy, "as long as we can keep it a secret I suppose I *am* desperate enough this time."

"Oh sure!" says the barman, "No one will know 'cept me, you, Larry, Jim, and Roy."

"Who're Jim and Roy??" asks the cowboy.

The barman says, "They're the ones who hold Larry down."

The bowling alley down the street just had its 300th strike.

They must have terrible working conditions.

Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them...

"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.

Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"

Always think before you answer!

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.
He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint. He makes them go into a dark blind alley, tells them to get up against the wall, and makes them turn around.
He points the gun at the first man and asks him a question. "Did you see me rob that bank?"
"Well, yeah." stammers the man.
BANG! The first man drops dead.
Then he points the gun at the second hostage and asks "Did YOU see me rob that bank??"
"NO!" the man shouts. "Uh, but...my wife did."

Mary Jane

One night Mary Jane was walking down a dark alley when a strange man appeared and started ripping her clothes off. Mary Jane laughed and laughed though, because she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

A piece of string walks into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar, makes his way up a bar stool, and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve bits of string in here.You need to get out!" So the piece of string angrily leaves the bar and starts cursing to himself in the alley. Then he has an idea. He starts tieing himself all up and unwinds himself at the ends. He walks back into the bar, sits in the same stool and asks the same bartender for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same bit of string I just kicked outta here?!" and the piece of string says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

"Mommy, mommy..."

One day a pregnant woman was walking home from work and decided to cut through an alley. A mugger was waiting and said "Give me all your money!" She complied, but then the mugger shot her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors managed to save her and her three babies. Now fast forward 12 years.

"Mommy Mommy, i just peed out a bullet!" said the first daughter.
"Sit down, i will tell you the story..." replied the mother.

the next day the same thing happened with the other daughter.
"Alright sit down, i will tell you the story." said the mom.

3 days later the son comes running up to his mom.
"Mommy mommy" said the boy.
"Let me guess you peed out a bullet?" asked the mom.
"No! I was jacking off and i shot the dog."

alley way

So a white man, a black man, and a mexican are walking down an alleyway and one of them accidentally knock over a trashcan and a genie comes out. The genie announces himself as the ratchet genie and grants each man 1 wish.

The mexican says "i wish that i and my fellow hispanics can all live peacfully in our home country". And poof, he was gone.

Next the black man said "i was that i and my fellow african americans all live peacfully in our homeland". And poof he was gone.

Finally the white man asks the genie "so all of the blacks and mexicans are gone?" the genie replies with yes.

The whiteman then says "alright then, ill just have a coke"

A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"

He replies, "With magic, of course!-

You want some magic?"

A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the string and extort him of his money. Struggling to resist the thugs; the string was ruffled and tied into a knot, left abandoned by the thieves.
The tattered string returns to the bar and seats himself, once again he asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "aren't you the same string that walked in a little while ago?"

The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes