Alley Jokes

143 alley jokes and hilarious alley puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alley that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the best alley jokes that unite muggles, wizards and all of us who take to the backstreets. From bowling alleys to Diagon Alley and Alley Cats, we've got the funniest gags to make you chuckle!

Funniest Alley Short Jokes

Short alley jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alley humour may include short amber jokes also.

  1. The Harshest "Yo Mamma" Joke... Yo Mamma is like a bowling ball...
    She likes to get picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, then comes back for more.
  2. I was mugged today... I was mugged in an alley today, all they took was my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
  3. I saw two blind guys fighting in an alley last night. You won't believe how fast they ran when I said: "My money is on the one with the knife!"
  4. A Priest and a Rabbi Are walking down a street. They see a 13 yr old boy walking towards them
    The Priest says "Let's take him down this alley and screw him"
    The Rabbi says "Out of what?"
  5. Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets? They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.
  6. I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash. It was a shot in the dark, but I took it
  7. Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it? "M-my parents?"
    "No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..."
  8. My girlfriend bought me a bowling ball the other day. She thought i wouldn't like it but, It was right up my alley!
  9. I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley I immediately jumped in to help.
    He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
  10. There was a young lady named sally Who enjoyed the occasional dally.
    She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap
    and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"

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Alley One Liners

Which alley one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alley? I can suggest the ones about alarm and alpha.

  1. What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy
  2. How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ? Diagon alley
  3. What is full of holes and travels down an alley? Batmans parents.
  4. Two Peanuts were walking down a dark alley. One was a salted.
  5. In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up Half to life.
  6. Why can't Harry Potter draw a straight line ? He can only draw Diagon Alley.
  7. I once had a large gay following. But then I ducked into an alley and lost him.
  8. I got mugged in a dark alley by K-pop stars Now I have BTSD
  9. What travels down an alley and has holes in it? Bruce Wayne's parents
  10. What do you call a Muslim person standing between two buildings? Muhammad Alley
  11. What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use? Hidden Alley Ranch.
  12. What goes down an alley and has three holes in it? Batman's Parents
  13. What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl? An Alley-Gator
  14. Where do you go to get a new spine? Talk to the guy in the back alley.
  15. I passed a homeless man in an alley last week and it made me cry. I still can't sit down.

Bowling Alley Jokes

Here is a list of funny bowling alley jokes and even better bowling alley puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I ask my wife the same thing everytime I knock down 10 pins in one roll at a bowling alley. "How's that strike ya?"
  • The bowling alley down the street just had its 300th strike. They must have terrible working conditions.
  • I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site. It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".
  • So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
  • I just started a new job in a bowling alley Yeh, just tenpin'
  • What do you call at cat that goes bowling? An alley cat!
  • What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a bowling alley? Elaine
  • The owner of the local bowling alley decides to divorce his wife now he has to pay her alley-money
  • Why did Prince Charles leave Windsor Castle and move to an alley? Because: Camilla Parker Bowles.
  • Your mom is like a bowling ball she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, and she always comes back for more.

Diagon Alley Jokes

Here is a list of funny diagon alley jokes and even better diagon alley puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts? He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.
  • I wasn't that drunk last night... I wasn't that drunk
    "you were standing in my fireplace screaming 'diagon alley' "
  • How did Harry get it in Ron's sweet Diagon Alley? A lubricantation.
Alley joke, How did Harry get it in Ron's sweet Diagon Alley?

Fun-Filled Alley Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about alley you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean elope jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alley pranks.

Two nuns go on a bike ride through town...

As they ride through an alley, the younger nun turns to the elder and says, "I've never come this way before!"
The elder nun replies, "That's because it's cobblestones, dear."
ba-dum CHING. My granny told me that one this weekend.

Three Nuns

Three Nuns are walking down an alley after church.
A man jumps out in a trench coat and exposes himself to them.
The first Nun has a s**....
The second Nun has a s**....
But the third Nun doesn't touch him.

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

A drunk wandering around the alley at night...

(...) when in front of him appeared a nun, all dressed in nun clothes. The drunk then starts r**... on the nun, k**... and punching her all over. When he finished her and knocked her out with a round house kick he looked down and screamed:

Two peanuts... (a new take on a classic)

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley.
One was assaulted.
The other was a'roasted.
What a horrible friend. Getting baked?
A mugging is no time to smoke a joint.

A German woman was walking down a dark alley when she got accosted by eleven men...

...who tear her clothes apart and start to r**... and m**... her. The woman shouts 'Nien! Nien!', so two of them left.

A mugger was able to lure a woman very easily behind the building where he always sits...

She was right up his alley.

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.

I needed some money...

So I decided to rob a bottle shop with my Lebanese friend. We agreed to meet around the corner of the shop in a dark alley at midnight and go from there.
I waited in that alley, and my colleague arrives with a bit of sweet pastry stuck to his head.
"You m**...!!" I exclaim, "I said Balaclava!"

Two Jews are walking in Odessa at night...

Suddenly, in a dark alley, they are surrounded by muggers with knives.
-- Money, watches, wallets - quick!
One Jew turns to the other:
-- Abram, remember, I owe you $300? Here they are, returned to you in front of witnesses.

A peanut was walking down a dark alley

He got a-salted

Mary Jane

One night Mary Jane was walking down a dark alley when a strange man appeared and started ripping her clothes off. Mary Jane laughed and laughed though, because she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

I was cornered in an alley way by a German holding a sausage

I looked him straight in the eyes and bravely said "go on, do your wurst"


A man was walking pass an alley way and his eyes caught a homeless man. As he moved closer to see the man he heard someone whisper something. The homeless man told him stay calm, cool and collected while I rob you of your money. As the man tried to turn away he felt a heavy slap on his face that sent him spinning of balance.

Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

Two Nuns On Bikes

Two nuns, Maria and Angelica, are riding their bicycles on their way to work at the Vatican. They're running late, so Maria says, "I know a shortcut. Let's go down this alley." They turn right onto the alley, which soon becomes a narrow cobblestone road, with many twists and turns. Angelica remarks, "wow, I never came this way before." Maria tells her, "it's the cobblestones."

Some guy jumped me in the alley...!

Yeah he was so nice. My battery had run out because I left my lights on!

A Jewish man and his wife...

A Jewish man was driving down Alligator Alley in Ft. Lauderdale when a police officer pulled him over.
"Sir," said the officer, "you wife fell out of the car 2 miles back!"
"Oh, thank god!," he replied. "I thought I was going deaf."

Three soprano thugs confront a maestro in a dark alley...

The maestro holds his hands up and exclaims "I don't want any treble!"

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are on the run from the cops...

They run down an alley and find 3 boxes and decided to hide in each.
The cops arrive to the first box, they kick the first and the brunette shouts
'' Woof Woof!! '' The cops decided it must be dogs and move onto the next box.
'' Meow Meow! '' The redhead exclaims, the cops shrug thinking it is cats and move on to the next box.
'' POTATOES '' yells the blonde.

Little Jimmy parents want to have some s**... times...

But their house are just a one room apartment, so they tell Jimmy to go out to the balcony, look at the street and tell them what he sees.
I see people are in a hurry, it must because a rain is coming up - says Jimmy.
Uh, yeah, what else do you see ? - asks the father
Well, I see the polices are chasing a thieft, he runs into the far alley and gets caught there. - Jimmy continues his observation.
Ahhh, yessss, Excellent Jimmy, do you see anything else ?
Well, Jane parents are having s**...
What, how do you know ? - the father asks.
I see Jane is standing at the balcony and watch the street too.

I think my girlfriend is cheating on me.

She keeps screaming some other guy's name when we have s**.... Let's just hope I never come across this guy "r**..." in a dark alley.

A man is walking down an alley way and gets mugged.

"$100 or I'll kill you!" says the mugger.
"Here's 50," the man says. "I'm already half dead from the scare."

s**... with a homeless guy

is right up your alley

Two roaches

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant."I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.""Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones
* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you r**... 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?

Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have s**... with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

After robbing a bank, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead

duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, "Meow." They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, "Woof, woof." Last, they kick the sack with the blonde, and she says, "Po-ta-to."

Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.

The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."

The p**... and the gorilla

A p**... is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the p**...'s skirt and starts performing o**... s**... on her.
The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The p**... says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"
The gorilla just stands there looking confused.
She pulls out her phone and Googles "p**..." and shows him.
>a person, typically a woman, who engages in s**... activity for payment.
He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.
>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.

Why is OP's mum like a bowling ball?

Because she gets picked up, fingered and thrown down an alley then still comes back for more.

I found a lamp in a back alley

When I rubbed it the genie said
'You may have a long memory, or a long p**...'
I forget my response

My parents were shot and killed in an alley


Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

A man was stabbed in the stomach in an alley...

he was gonna punch him back, but he didn't have the guts.

A mugger attacks a man in an alley, and demands all his money.

The man cries, "I'm a civil servant; I don't *have* any money!"
The mugger sneers, "Alright. Then give me all of *my* money."

Where do you find firehoes?

In the alley behind the firehouse.

Did you guys hear about the peanut walking down a dark alley?

He was *a salted*

What happened to the mozzarella when it walked alone into the alley?

It was Ah-Salted *italian accent*

I saw a stranger in an alley

I saw a stranger in an alley, and decided to give him $2000.
You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away.

A man saw a small boy crying in an alley

"What is wrong?" he said
"My parents died" the boy responded.
The man pulled down his pants and said "Welp, this isn't your lucky day."

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley

One was assaulted.....s**...! Not so funny now, is it?

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

What has 3 holes and goes down an alley?

Thomas and Martha Wayne.

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says "potatoes".

Two buckets of sick walking down the street

when one of them stops and sheds a tear. "What's wrong, George?" his friend asked.
"Nostalgia. That's the alley way I was brought up in."

A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"
He replies, "With magic, of course!-
You want some magic?"

Two guys are walking down the street when a t**... lunges from an alley and points a gun at them...

"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the t**... says.
Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"

Was reading about that shooting at a bowling alley today. Luckily some of the hostages managed to escape...

They waited until 7/10, then they split...

I didn't get on with Tinder

so a friend suggested Grindr might be more up my alley.

When I was a boy...

"I was walking along a street and happened to spy a cart full of watermelons. I was fond of watermelon, so I sneaked quietly on the cart and snitched one. I then ran into a nearby alley and sank my teeth into the melon.
No sooner had I done so, however, than a strange feeling came over me. Without a moment's hesitation, I made my decision. I walked back to the cart, replaced the melon -
And took a ripe one."
-Mark Twain

I got a flat tire recently...

I was lucky enough to have spotted it before I was able to drive off to my local bowling alley. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have any extra tires on me, nor was I willing to go to my local auto shop and get one.
Fortunately, I did have the bowling ball and 10 pins I was planning on bringing with me, so all I had to do was knock down 9 pins with the bowling ball, and then knock down the last one to get a spare.

A rope walks into a bar

The bartender refuses to serve him, saying, We don't serve rope here.

The rope walks outside, ducks into an alley, loops himself around himself until he is short and fat. Then he messes his hair up and walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks him up and down. Hey, aren't you that rope I kicked out of here before?

I'm a frayed knot.

A Serial killer picks up a r**... hitchhiking...

"*Hey, drop me off in that.....Dark alley right there....*"
"*.....I was planning on it.....*"

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to r**... them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"

I told my wife that I'd gotten a new job at the bowling alley

She said ten pin?
I said no it's permanent!

A dad becomes a drug dealer

He goes to a alley to drop off some c**.... The man asks "Do you have the coke?" the dad replies "Sorry we only have pepsi, were so sorry".

Hey dad, why is my sister named Uma Thurman?

"Oh it's your mother's favorite fall out boy song"
"Thanks Dad"
"No problem I've Got A Bad Idea And A Dark Alley That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth!"

I went to the bowling alley today...

...but is was closed for some sort of staff function, they were all on strike.

Alley joke, I went to the bowling alley today...

jokes about alley