allergic Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious allergic puns

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.


The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.


I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.


If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class

I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.

Later I found out I'm just dumb.


I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down.

At least I still have the cat for comfort.


A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course

As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help. "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant. "Where were you stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she said. He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."


TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.


A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.

He approaches the desk and says to the pharmacist "excuse me, do you have non latex? I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter but she's allergic to latex"

The pharmacist replies "yeah they should be right over.... wait.. did you say 12 year old daughter? .. your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?"

The man says "eh, not really. She just kind of lays there like her mother."


I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.


Vegan in a restaurant

Customer: I'm vegan, I don't eat gluten or carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and allergic to nuts. What should I get?

Waiter: the fuck out


Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.


Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
So no point in your coming in for that."


I think i am allergic to leather.

Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.


My friend recently told me he was allergic to blood...

I told him he was full of it.


I'm allergic to sharks.. shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.


At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I'd wake up with a sore arse


I'm really scared that the Fine Bros are going to sue me

because I just had an allergic reaction.


My sister told me that she's allergic to water

I told her, You're full of it.


I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.


Today I had an allergic reaction to a peanut...

**This title contains content from FINE BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT who has it blocked on copyright grounds.**


My husband is allergic to our cat, so I have to give him away :/

He's a sweet-natured ginger, comes when called, well-trained, and works in IT. 28 years old, answers to "Kevin".


I think I may be allergic to women

everytime they touch my penis the damn thing just swells up like crazy.


I had an allergic reaction to peanuts

Then I got sued by the Finebros


Trees are allergic to bees..

..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler)

Original joke!


What do you call a Chinese man allergic to dogs?



I'm allergic to alcohol...

Every time I drink it, I break out in handcuffs...


I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.


Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol

...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up!


Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

Doctor replies "don't be silly, of course there is! How do you think lawyers are born?"


i knew this one guy who is allergic to masturbation.


last I heard he died from a stroke.


Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives


We found out our child is allergic to cats

We've sent it to a hospice and we will try to get another one.

After all, not every child will be allergic.


[NSFW] I think I'm becoming allergic to bananas...

because my asshole is itching more than usual

Credit to my friend who does stand-up...


What do you call a man with no feet and is allergic to milk?

Lack-toes intolerant


If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish


What are the most funny Allergic jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Allergic? Well, here are the best Allergic dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Allergic pick up lines to share with friends.

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