Allah Jokes

Following is our collection of pokemongo humor and jihadists one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Allah puns for adults, dirty muhammad jokes or clean imam gags for kids.

There is an abundance of mohammad jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 61 funniest jokes on allah. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any god witze you can hear about allah.

The Best jokes about Allah

What does a Muslim train conductor say before he starts his train?

ALLAH BOARD!

What's a Muslim's favorite answer on a test?

Allah the above.

How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb?

Allah them.

(I googled several varations and thus far I believe I am the originator)

How do you order food at a Muslim restaurant?

Allah carte.

72 virgins in Heaven

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"


A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind."

The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."

Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

Jokes about 9/11 are just plane wrong

Ill give you all a crash course later. There's allah to talk about.

How many Muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Allah them

Why don't Muslims fill out online forms?

Because they refuse to Submit to anyone but Allah.

One jihadist said to another, "How many infidels do we kill?"

He answered, "Allah them"


The Walk

I went to a mixed religion seminar.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!

I snapped at him, There's nothing wrong with me

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

How do terrorists like their apple pie?

Allah mode.

An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgins awaiting my arrival?"

Allah replies, "This is widely misconcepted my child. You've done us proud, now enjoy the rest of eternity with this 72 year old virgin"

How do Muslims like their food served?

Allah Carte

A muslim, buddhist and a Christian were arguing...

about whose God was the greatest.

The muslim said "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "allah allah allah allah..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted louder and faster "ALLAHALLAHALLAHALLAH!!!" all the way until he hit the ground and died.

Next, the Buddhist said, "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "buddha buddha buddha buddha..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted louder and faster "BUDDHABUDDHABUDDHA!!!" and a great big hand came down from the sky and caught him safely.

Lastly, the Christian proclaimed "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus..." until he looked down and realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and started shouting at the top of his voice "BUDDHABUDDHABUDDHABUDDHA!!!"

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

how did the Imam order his dessert?

Allah mode

What Did The Muslim Terminator Say?

Allah Be Back.


I aced the convert-to-Islam test today.

I answered "allah the above"

What do you call a candy store run by Isis?

The Allah Snackbar

I am pretty sure allah is the only god

After all, the universe did start with a big explosion.

Name your kid Allah Akbar

Then lose him in the mall

How do Muslims order their hashbrowns?

Allah Carte

Why did the Muslim only order a side of french fries?

Because he prefers his food Allah carte.

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in public. Mere days later, a mysterious disease swept through the town and killed every last one of them.

They should have obeyed the Quran teen.

Where do Jihadists get their snacks?

At the Allah hu snackbar.

Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes

The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, Praise Jesus, today you will walk!

"But... but I'm not paralyzed."

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!

The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!

I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

How many Muslims were banned?

How many Muslims were banned?

Allah them.

You stupid idiots; I said cover your faeces

-- Love from Allah.

What do you call a terrorist with a scoop of vanilla ice cream?

Allah mode.

What did the terrorist say when he woke up?

It was Allah dream.

What's a Muslim's favorite place to grab a snack?

Allah carte

What do you call a large alaskan animal that worships Allah?

A Mooselem

A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virgins?"

Not for you

A Christian Armenian man walking by the border of Armenia and Iran sees a few Iranian men pushing a car stuck in a ditch. Every time the Iranian men push they yell allah akbar! 1.. 2... 3... Allah akbarrr! As the Armenian man joins in pushing the car, the Iranians are surprised to hear the Christian man also yell allah akbar. One Iranian man says allah is our god not yours, why do you call on his name? The Armenian man replies "I'm not going to work my god for your ass"

Why did the muslim guy rig a competition?

So he could win Allah the prizes.

What do you call a cow that believes in Allah?

a Moo-slim

Is Allahu Akbar a good pickup line?

From what I hear, it's always getting guys blown.

What did the Muslim do when he went to the restaurant?

He ordered Allah Carte.

Muslim, Christian and a Buddhist

A Muslim a Christian and a Buddhist argue about which god is real, so they decide to jump of a cliff and prove the other wrong.

The Christian goes first.

On his way down he says " Jesus Jesus Jesus " and dies on impact

The Buddhist goes second.

On his way down he says " Buddha Buddha Buddha" and floats right before he hits the ground, he is left unscratched.

The Muslim with full confidence jumps after the Buddhist.

On his way down he says "Allah Allah "and then midway screams "BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA "

A Christian,Muslim and Hindu had a fight on a plane

It was decided they would all try to make other passenger stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand up is the winner.
There were 40 passengers on board

Christian : Bless us Jesus Christ
5 passengers stand up

Hindu : Jai Mata Di
3 passengers stand up

Muslim : Allah hu Akbar
37 passengers Stand Up.
.
.
.
.
.
And jumped out of the plane.

What do you call a Halal pie?

Allah mode.

What kind of suicide bomber stops at a stop sign?

Allah abiding one.

Where does ISIS eat?

At the Allah u can eat salad Akbar.

A Christian, Hindu, Muslim had a fight on the plane.

They had a fight about whose religion is most powerful.

It was decided they would all try to make other passengers stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand 'UP' is the winner. There were 40 passengers on board.

Christian said: "Bless us, Jesus Christ". 5 passengers stand up.

Hindu said: "Jai Mata Di ". 3 passengers stand up

At last, Muslim said: " Allah hu Akbar" .37 passengers Stand Up. . . . . . And jumped out of the plane.

When you lose your kid at the mall

and his name is "allah akbur"

If I were an Islamic hip hop artist..

My name would be Allah Hotbarz

How did the Muslim enjoy her dessert?

Allah Mode

Proof that Allah is the true God

because the universe started with an explosion

Maybe Allah is the real god.

I mean, the universe did start off with a boom.

After years of debate, it turns out Allah is actually the one true God.

After all, the universe began with an explosion.

Game night

God and Jesus had a game night and suddenly the bell rang. Jesus went to open it and at the door was Allah. Jesus took a long look at him and shouted "Dad, did you order pizza?"

Allah must be the only God in the universe

I mean, Earth was created with a Big Bang

Allah is definitely the true god...

Because the universe was made by an explosion

Hey girl are you Muslim?

Because you're about to pray to Allah deez nuts

When you think about it, Allah is probably the one true god...

the universe did start with an explosion

Why couldn't the Dukes of Hazard visit Mecca?

Because that's just a little bit more than Allah will allow.

Remember that game Muhammad was talking about?

Say five allah akbars with the lights off and get arrested.

Why "Allah" is the true God

The universe started with an explosion


Allau Akbar

Why did the muslim man eat grass clippings?

It was grass Allah mowed

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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