All Thumbs Jokes

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Roses are blue
My thumb's got a sliver
I drank far too much and I'm killing my liver.

What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component?

This guy!

What has two thumbs and got laid last night?

My hands.

Shirt Size

While working at a men's department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size, but my hands fit perfectly around his neck!"

Little Erika hates hypocrisy..

Little Erika gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As she passes her parents' bedroom she peeks in through the keyhole. She watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to herself, "And she gets mad at me for s**... my thumb . "

A man goes to his proctologist for an exam...

The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctors thumb. At this point, the doctor leans over and waving both thumbs at the guys face says Surprise!

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

A man goes to the proctologist

The doctor gave him a thumbs up.

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

A man asks the waiter: "Why do you have your thumb on my steak?"

"So I don't drop it again, Sir."

Green Thumbs

A father and son are walking through a park when the kid asks his dad "dad, why do they say gardeners have green thumbs? they're not green!" The father replies "oh, it's just a saying son... like when some one is caught stealing, we say they have been caught red handed, even though their hands are actually black."
*BUDUMM PAA*
Taken from some random (and clearly Racist) Newspapaer

What do you calla judge with no thumbs?

Justice fingers

A brunette, A redhead, and A blonde....

Enter an elevator and spot something on the floor.
The brunette immediately says "Eww, that's s**...".
The redhead, touches it with her index finger and rubs it with her thumb together and says "Yup, definitely s**...".
The blonde, touches it, rubs it between her fingers and tastes it and says: "Yup, definitely s**..., and it's not from anyone in this building."

Three of five fingers were willing to cooperate

but the thumb and forefinger were opposed!

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

Pregnant Woman

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of s**... his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop s**... his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

What has two thumbs and severe adhd?

i don't know but you are gonna love this yoyo trick

caught 'red handed'

A kid asks his father "why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when they aren't green?" his father replies "it's kind of how people who are caught steeling they are 'caught red handed' even though they are black"

What did h**... say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed.

Well! she exclaimed. And you tell me off just for s**...
my thumb.

A boy asks his father, "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't really green?"

The father replies, "It's just an expression, son. Just like how they say a person is caught stealing red-handed, even though his hands are actually black."

A guy at work lost his thumb and had to replace it with his big toe. (True Story)

Now we ask to get "your foot off the table" when he's eating.

A good rule of thumb is

It's opposable.

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"
The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

A boy asks his father a question........

"Hey dad, why do they call gardeners 'people who have green thumbs'?"
"Oh son that's just a saying, they don't actually have green thumbs, it's like when someone gets caught stealing and they call them people who got caught 'red handed' their hands aren't actually red, they're black"

I went to a Halloween party where everyone was dressed like a sore thumb

Not me, no, I stuck out like a vicar.

Who has two thumbs and a concealed identity?

Disguise!

[Long] I was at dinner with my wife...

I ordered a steak and the waiter delivered it with his thumb on top of it. "Sir, this is unacceptable, your thumb was in my food," I complained. The waiter replied, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't want it to fall on the floor again."

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

"Holy F**k" she screams "and you want ME to see a doctor about s**... my thumb?!"

Caught red handed

Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why do they say people who are good at gardening have a green thumb?".
Dad thought for a moment, "Johnny, it's just a saying. It's like when someone is caught stealing, it's said they're caught red handed, even though their hands are black".

What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?

THIS guy!

What has 1 thumb and is very important?

A ransom note.

A young boy asks his dad

A young boy asks his dad: "Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't actually green?"
The dad replies: "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black."

"I know what you have been s**... on"

My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."

Another penguin joke. n**...

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.
Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.
Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."

A little boy asks his father why they say gardeners have green thumbs...

The father replies "That's just a figure of speech. You know, like when someone is stealing and they are caught red handed, but their hands are really black."

Even after 5 years my wife likes to mix it up in the bedroom....

Last night she was had eaten too much, the night before that she was wayyyyyy too tired; last week she fell and broke her thumb. I never know what she will surprise me with next!

What has 4 thumbs and pretends to be an adult at a movie theater?

Dis guise!

Well dressed!

I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone thought it looked tacky.

A boy walks in on his parents...

He sees his dad railing his mom from behind. His dad looks over at him and gives him a big thumbs up and continues on. After they finish, the mom says that he should check on the boy and see how he's doing. So the father goes downstairs and hears a weird noise coming from his room. He opens the door and sees his son ramming his grandma from behind, the boy looks over and says How do you like it when someone is doing this to your mom.

I like to imagine my fingers as the races of Middle Earth...

The thumb is the dwarf because it's stout
The pinkie is the hobbit because it's diminutive
The index is the elf because it's the most dexterous
The ring is the human because they were given the most rings
And the middle is the orc... because it's the rudest

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak

So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"

I went to the worst restaurant last night

The waiter was holding my steak down with his thumb.
I said 'Excuse me, why are you holding my steak down with your thumb?'
He said 'Well I wouldn't want to drop it again'

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph's carpenter shop...

Daddy, did you call me?
Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

True story

Not sure where to post this.
About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.
A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about 6 weeks early, and weighed 3 lbs even, she was and is also missing her thumb on her right hand.
This girl is going to have a very twisted sense of humor, just like me.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic. But then I remembered...

That it's always going to be okay...

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Who has two thumbs and is pro-evolution?

Not horses

A man walks into a bar

And sees a dog by the fireplace l**... its b**....
The man goes to the bar and orders his drink and says to the barman while pointing his thumb towards the dog and says ha, I wish I could do that
The barman replies give him a biscuit and he might let you

Mothers day scultpures

Ellis and Chris are up late carving sculptures of a mother holding a baby for their Mothers Day stall.
All of them look the same the only differences are the flowers in the mother's hair.
Chris tells a story to Ellis about his favorite flower and why.
*Ellis rolls his eyes*
Chris: "What's YOUR favorite flower Ellis?"
Ellis sighs, gets up, and walks over to their finished pieces, picks one up and gets a splinter in his thumb.
Ellis puts the sculpture down and looks at Chris.
Chris: "So?"
Ellis turns around and as he walks out of the room he replies:
"Chris...sand the mums."

A lot of people think humans having opposable thumbs contributed greatly to our evolution, but I don't know...

...I think we just have a better grasp on things.

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"

We kidnapped your wife and are sending you her thumb. We'll kill her if you don't pay us 100000 USD.

The thumb can belong to anyone. Send her head instead.

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.