All Thumbs Jokes
111 all thumbs jokes and hilarious all thumbs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about all thumbs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest All Thumbs Short Jokes
Short all thumbs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The all thumbs humour may include short giving thumbs jokes also.
- Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder? *points thumbs at chest*
That guy. - I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic… But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.
- After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see. I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"
- Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort? That would be me.
Love you all, have a terrific day! - Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down. Whether you like it, or not.
- New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist. You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.
- What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common? They both hang out at the Space Bar.
- Well dressed! I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone thought it looked tacky.
- What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component? This guy!
- Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter? Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.
Share These All Thumbs Jokes With Friends
All Thumbs One Liners
Which all thumbs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with all thumbs? I can suggest the ones about finger thumb and thumbs up.
- Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital? Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.
- What has two thumbs and never takes the blame? That guy
- I went to see my doctor to get my prostate checked. He gave me the thumbs up.
- Why are hands so important? You always need them for thumb finger another.
- Who has two thumbs and wears a mask? Disguise!
- I wanted to play video games today but my thumbs were all opposed.
- What blood type was the fat-thumbed stenographer? Typo
- What do you call a judge without any thumbs ? Justice fingers.
- I had a great session with my proctologist this morning. Two thumbs up.
- What has two thumbs and 100k karma on their cake day? Not me.
- Went to the proctologist today and he was impressed! He gave me the thumbs up
- Prostate exams They've got a thumbs up from the doctor
- What has two thumbs and got laid last night? My hands.
- Who has two thumbs and is pro-evolution? Not horses
- What do you calla judge with no thumbs? Justice fingers
All Thumbs Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about all thumbs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean under the thumb jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make all thumbs pranks.
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.
His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
Roses are blue
My thumb's got a sliver
I drank far too much and I'm killing my liver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.
*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*
Shirt Size
While working at a men's department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size, but my hands fit perfectly around his neck!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Erika hates hypocrisy..
Little Erika gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As she passes her parents' bedroom she peeks in through the keyhole. She watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to herself, "And she gets mad at me for s**... my thumb . "
Who has two thumbs and looks an awful lot like Alec Baldwin?
Alec Baldwin
A man goes to his proctologist for an exam...
The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctors thumb. At this point, the doctor leans over and waving both thumbs at the guys face says Surprise!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where does a thumb meet its type?
At ***the space bar!*** oh-my-goodness! ~Skip
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A brunette, A redhead, and A blonde....
Enter an elevator and spot something on the floor.
The brunette immediately says "Eww, that's s**...".
The redhead, touches it with her index finger and rubs it with her thumb together and says "Yup, definitely s**...".
The blonde, touches it, rubs it between her fingers and tastes it and says: "Yup, definitely s**..., and it's not from anyone in this building."
Three of five fingers were willing to cooperate
but the thumb and forefinger were opposed!
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pregnant Woman
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of s**... his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop s**... his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
What has two thumbs and severe adhd?
i don't know but you are gonna love this yoyo trick
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got the results back from my r**... examination.
The Doctor gave me a thumbs up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Jack Warner
Little Jack Warner
Sat in the corner
A finger in every pie.
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a b**...
And said "Lets all go to Dubai!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did h**... say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?
"Au, schwitz!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Mortie got a real surprise when he barged into his parents' room one night.
And you slap me for s**... my thumb? he screamed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed.
Well! she exclaimed. And you tell me off just for s**...
my thumb.
What's the difference between someone you want to ask to marry you and the rest of the animal kingdom?
Proposalable thumbs!
A guy at work lost his thumb and had to replace it with his big toe. (True Story)
Now we ask to get "your foot off the table" when he's eating.
A good rule of thumb is
It's opposable.
A boy asks his dad a question
A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"
The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."
A boy asks his father a question........
"Hey dad, why do they call gardeners 'people who have green thumbs'?"
"Oh son that's just a saying, they don't actually have green thumbs, it's like when someone gets caught stealing and they call them people who got caught 'red handed' their hands aren't actually red, they're black"
I went to a Halloween party where everyone was dressed like a sore thumb
Not me, no, I stuck out like a vicar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who's got two thumbs and nothing else?
THIS pair of disembodied thumbs!
[Long] I was at dinner with my wife...
I ordered a steak and the waiter delivered it with his thumb on top of it. "Sir, this is unacceptable, your thumb was in my food," I complained. The waiter replied, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't want it to fall on the floor again."
At the Hotel Bar...
A man was sitting at a hotel bar, when a group of men sat down next to him and ordered a round of drinks.
"You guys with a convention?"
"Yes, we're with the Gynecology conference"
"Really? I was this close" he holds up his finger and thumb about an inch apart "to becoming a Gynecologist."
"So what did you end up doing?"
"I'm a proctologist."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
"Holy F**k" she screams "and you want ME to see a doctor about s**... my thumb?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?
THIS guy!
When all you have is a hammer,
everything starts looking like a thumb.
Who has 2 thumbs and doesn't care about my GPA?
My dead dad
What has 1 thumb and is very important?
A ransom note.
What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?
[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Grandad's joke: Hey, young fella! Want to see something swell?
Hit your thumb with a hammer!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I know what you have been s**... on"
My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."
Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What has two fat thumbs and difficulty typing?
Rgua fyt!!
How do you feel about hitchhiking?
It gets a thumbs up from me.
Even after 5 years my wife likes to mix it up in the bedroom....
Last night she was had eaten too much, the night before that she was wayyyyyy too tired; last week she fell and broke her thumb. I never know what she will surprise me with next!
What is the point of thumbs?
I could never quite grasp it....
What did finger say to the thumb?
I'm in glove with you.
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?
Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell.
What has 4 thumbs and pretends to be an adult at a movie theater?
Dis guise!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm in jail for assault, but I had to uphold my honor when he bit his thumb at me.
That'll teach that baby...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like to imagine my fingers as the races of Middle Earth...
The thumb is the dwarf because it's stout
The pinkie is the hobbit because it's diminutive
The index is the elf because it's the most dexterous
The ring is the human because they were given the most rings
And the middle is the orc... because it's the rudest
I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.
They sure are a handful to raise.
When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak
So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"
I once met a Lawyer in court, but I didn't get to see much of his fingers.
Justice thumbs.
I went to the worst restaurant last night
The waiter was holding my steak down with his thumb.
I said 'Excuse me, why are you holding my steak down with your thumb?'
He said 'Well I wouldn't want to drop it again'
Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph's carpenter shop...
Daddy, did you call me?
Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.
Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?
We don't know. It just snapped.
I hurt my thumb today!
But on the other hand I'm ok
Some people press the button in the elevator with their thumb and others press it with their index finger. Why?
To get to the right floor.
I saw my ex girlfriend walking on the street
Not wanting to talk to her, I pretended to be on the phone. But she walked straight to me and said: ' are you pretending to be on the phone?'
'Excuse me,' I said to my imaginery caller, then turned to her, 'No? Why would you say something like that?'
'well your thumb is at your ear and your pinky is at your mouth'
True story
Not sure where to post this.
About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.
A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about 6 weeks early, and weighed 3 lbs even, she was and is also missing her thumb on her right hand.
This girl is going to have a very twisted sense of humor, just like me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just lost their virginity?
Definitely not me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar
And sees a dog by the fireplace l**... its b**....
The man goes to the bar and orders his drink and says to the barman while pointing his thumb towards the dog and says ha, I wish I could do that
The barman replies give him a biscuit and he might let you
Mothers day scultpures
Ellis and Chris are up late carving sculptures of a mother holding a baby for their Mothers Day stall.
All of them look the same the only differences are the flowers in the mother's hair.
Chris tells a story to Ellis about his favorite flower and why.
*Ellis rolls his eyes*
Chris: "What's YOUR favorite flower Ellis?"
Ellis sighs, gets up, and walks over to their finished pieces, picks one up and gets a splinter in his thumb.
Ellis puts the sculpture down and looks at Chris.
Chris: "So?"
Ellis turns around and as he walks out of the room he replies:
"Chris...sand the mums."
A lot of people think humans having opposable thumbs contributed greatly to our evolution, but I don't know...
...I think we just have a better grasp on things.