Alive Jokes

Funniest Alive Short Jokes

Short alive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alive humour may include short living jokes also.

1. Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
2. Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why? You have to be alive to have autism.
3. My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
4. A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"
   "Not this time son, our dog is dead"
5. When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It's a good thing my brother told me about it
6. Why couldn't Snape be a Herbology teacher? Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.
7. Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism? Because you have to be alive to be autistic
8. Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them… Millennium Falcons
9. A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein. Because he's dead.
10. Ha - mildly amusing Haha - laughing
    Hahaha - saracstic laughing
    Hahahaha - Staying Alive

Share These Alive Jokes With Friends

Alive One Liners

Which alive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alive? I can suggest the ones about active and busy.

1. "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
2. If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
3. Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive
4. There's a necrophiliac on the loose Look alive people
5. Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose. Look alive, people!
6. Why does the pope not want to be cremated? Because he is still alive.
7. Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago Because he's still alive
8. I may not be the sexiest man alive But I am 2 out of those 3 things.
9. What would martin luther king jr. have been if he was white? Alive
10. What did the doctors use to keep 4 Romans alive? IVs
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive.. Try missing a couple of payments.
12. Sad news for music lovers today.... Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.
13. If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
14. What did Robocop say to Schrödinger's Cat? Dead or Alive, you're coming with me.
15. I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me But no, she's still alive.

Dead Or Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny dead or alive jokes and even better dead or alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Dad: What has 4 legs and isn't alive? Me: You can't fool me dad! Its a chair!
  Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog's dead
• My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive. I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'
• It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive.. Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
• I lost my cat If found, please return him, dead and alive.
  Thanks,
  Sincerely,
  Erwin Shrodinger.
• Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.
• I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger's cat It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.
• Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law? I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
• Did you see there's an arrest warrant out for Schrodinger's Cat? He's wanted dead and alive.
• Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive? Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-
  Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead
• Did you know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen? It protects from deadly rays.

Buried Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny buried alive jokes and even better buried alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive.
  (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)
• How did the blonde kill an earthworm? She buried it alive.
• Why can't a girl living in America be buried in Canada? Because she is still alive
• What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand? "Run out of sand, did they?"
• TIL that nobody living in my country can legally be buried in it. It may be because they're alive
• Today I found out that nobody living in my town is allowed to be buried in it. It might be because they're alive
• People who live near cemeteries typically don't get buried there You don't tend to bury alive people
• I decided at a young age that I would get buried in the same way as my father Unfortunately gangsters buried him alive
  Side note,could someone please send help
• Why does Donald Trump not want to be buried between the tombs of Roosevelt and Eisenhower? He's still alive.
• Imagine if Houdini was still alive. Jokes on him, cause we buried him in a real coffin.

Staying Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny staying alive jokes and even better staying alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• What is Barry Gibb better at than the rest of the Bee Gees? Staying Alive
• If only my wife could look at me now from heaven. But noooo, she insists on staying alive.
• What's an Anti-Vaxxer's kid's favourite song? Staying alive
• If you think that there's nothing that can make your plants stay alive... Watering can
• Stay on pedestrian footpaths if you wanna stay alive. Out there are cyclepaths
• Staying alive is easy I can do it in my sleep
• what does keanu reeves do to stay alive Keanu breathes.
• A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive.
• My name is Dr. B. Gee I help people stay alive, stay alive
• It's so sad that Frank died from mesothelioma He tried asbestos he could to stay alive

Burning Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny burning alive jokes and even better burning alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the n**...'s most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven. This is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

Stayin Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny stayin alive jokes and even better stayin alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Laughing scale Ha – Mildly amusing
  Haha – Funny
  Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh
  Hahahaha – Stayin alive
• What are the Rolling Stones better at than the Bee gees? Stayin' Alive
• I just learned that there's only one surviving member of the Bee Gees left. So yeah, he's certainly stayin' alive.
• Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"... Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake...

Rib-Tickling Alive Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about alive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean animated jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alive pranks.