Alive Jokes

Funniest Alive Short Jokes

Short alive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alive humour may include short active jokes also.

1. Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
2. My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
3. When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It's a good thing my brother told me about it
4. Why couldn't Snape be a Herbology teacher? Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.
5. Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them… Millennium Falcons
6. A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein. Because he's dead.
7. Ha - mildly amusing Haha - laughing
   Hahaha - saracstic laughing
   Hahahaha - Staying Alive
8. Two married man talking.. 1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
   2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.
9. My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive. I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'
10. My daughter asked if I am going to die someday I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
    She looked relieved.

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Alive One Liners

Which alive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alive? I can suggest the ones about animated and born.

1. "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
2. If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
3. Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive
4. There's a necrophiliac on the loose Look alive people
5. Why does the pope not want to be cremated? Because he is still alive.
6. Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago Because he's still alive
7. I may not be the sexiest man alive But I am 2 out of those 3 things.
8. What would martin luther king jr. have been if he was white? Alive
9. What did the doctors use to keep 4 Romans alive? IVs
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive.. Try missing a couple of payments.
11. Sad news for music lovers today.... Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.
12. If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
13. What did Robocop say to Schrödinger's Cat? Dead or Alive, you're coming with me.
14. I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me But no, she's still alive.
15. Why does snape teach potions and not herbology? He can't keep a Lily alive.

Dead Or Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny dead or alive jokes and even better dead or alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive.. Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
• I lost my cat If found, please return him, dead and alive.
  Thanks,
  Sincerely,
  Erwin Shrodinger.
• I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger's cat It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.
• Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law? I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
• Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive? Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-
  Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead
• If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose... alive.
• What game is in Schrodinger's Xbox? Dead or Alive
• What do Schrodinger's cat and Kim Jong-un have in common? They're both alive and dead until you see them!
• There's a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum. Wanted dead and alive.
• Is "Schrodinger's Cat" meme dead or alive? I'm afraid to look.

Staying Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny staying alive jokes and even better staying alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• What is Barry Gibb better at than the rest of the Bee Gees? Staying Alive
• If only my wife could look at me now from heaven. But noooo, she insists on staying alive.
• What's an Anti-Vaxxer's kid's favourite song? Staying alive
• If you think that there's nothing that can make your plants stay alive... Watering can
• Stay on pedestrian footpaths if you wanna stay alive. Out there are cyclepaths
• Staying alive is easy I can do it in my sleep
• what does keanu reeves do to stay alive Keanu breathes.
• A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive.
• My name is Dr. B. Gee I help people stay alive, stay alive
• It's so sad that Frank died from mesothelioma He tried asbestos he could to stay alive

Stayin Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny stayin alive jokes and even better stayin alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Laughing scale Ha – Mildly amusing
  Haha – Funny
  Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh
  Hahahaha – Stayin alive
• What are the Rolling Stones better at than the Bee gees? Stayin' Alive
• I just learned that there's only one surviving member of the bee gees left. So yeah, he's certainly stayin' alive.
• Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"... Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake...

Buried Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny buried alive jokes and even better buried alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive.
  (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)
• Why can't a girl living in America be buried in Canada? Because she is still alive
• What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand? "Run out of sand, did they?"
• TIL that nobody living in my country can legally be buried in it. It may be because they're alive
• Today I found out that nobody living in my town is allowed to be buried in it. It might be because they're alive
• People who live near cemeteries typically don't get buried there You don't tend to bury alive people
• Why does Donald Trump not want to be buried between the tombs of Roosevelt and Eisenhower? He's still alive.
• Imagine if Houdini was still alive. Jokes on him, cause we buried him in a real coffin.
• Did you hear about the man who was buried alive? It was a grave mistake
• TIL People living in Oregon aren't allowed to be buried there. Because they're still alive! ;P

Rib-Tickling Alive Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about alive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean occupied jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alive pranks.