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Alive Jokes

152 alive jokes and hilarious alive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover what these funny, yet morbid, jokes about burial and death have in common in this hilarious piece about "Alive Jokes". Read about the differences between burning alive, staying alive and being dead or alive as we explore the many ways of keeping ourselves in the land of the living. Through humorous musings about Scalia's Vida and Vive, find out why these jokes are so popular and why you won't be able to resist laughing.

Funniest Alive Short Jokes

Short alive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alive humour may include short living jokes also.

  1. Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
  2. Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why? You have to be alive to have autism.
  3. My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
  4. A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"
    "Not this time son, our dog is dead"
  5. When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It's a good thing my brother told me about it
  6. Why couldn't Snape be a Herbology teacher? Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.
  7. Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism? Because you have to be alive to be autistic
  8. Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them… Millennium Falcons
  9. A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein. Because he's dead.
  10. Ha - mildly amusing Haha - laughing
    Hahaha - saracstic laughing
    Hahahaha - Staying Alive

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Alive One Liners

Which alive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alive? I can suggest the ones about active and busy.

  1. "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
  2. If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
  3. Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive
  4. There's a necrophiliac on the loose Look alive people
  5. Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose. Look alive, people!
  6. Why does the pope not want to be cremated? Because he is still alive.
  7. Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago Because he's still alive
  8. I may not be the sexiest man alive But I am 2 out of those 3 things.
  9. What would martin luther king jr. have been if he was white? Alive
  10. What did the doctors use to keep 4 Romans alive? IVs
  11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive.. Try missing a couple of payments.
  12. Sad news for music lovers today.... Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.
  13. If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
  14. What did Robocop say to Schrödinger's Cat? Dead or Alive, you're coming with me.
  15. I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me But no, she's still alive.

Dead Or Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny dead or alive jokes and even better dead or alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Dad: What has 4 legs and isn't alive? Me: You can't fool me dad! Its a chair!
    Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog's dead
  • My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive. I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'
  • It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive.. Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
  • I lost my cat If found, please return him, dead and alive.
    Thanks,
    Sincerely,
    Erwin Shrodinger.
  • Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.
  • I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger's cat It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.
  • Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law? I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
  • Did you see there's an arrest warrant out for Schrodinger's Cat? He's wanted dead and alive.
  • Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive? Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-
    Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead
  • Did you know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen? It protects from deadly rays.

Buried Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny buried alive jokes and even better buried alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive.
    (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)
  • How did the blonde kill an earthworm? She buried it alive.
  • Why can't a girl living in America be buried in Canada? Because she is still alive
  • What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand? "Run out of sand, did they?"
  • TIL that nobody living in my country can legally be buried in it. It may be because they're alive
  • Today I found out that nobody living in my town is allowed to be buried in it. It might be because they're alive
  • People who live near cemeteries typically don't get buried there You don't tend to bury alive people
  • I decided at a young age that I would get buried in the same way as my father Unfortunately gangsters buried him alive
    Side note,could someone please send help
  • Why does Donald Trump not want to be buried between the tombs of Roosevelt and Eisenhower? He's still alive.
  • Imagine if Houdini was still alive. Jokes on him, cause we buried him in a real coffin.
Alive joke, Imagine if Houdini was still alive.

Staying Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny staying alive jokes and even better staying alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is Barry Gibb better at than the rest of the Bee Gees? Staying Alive
  • If only my wife could look at me now from heaven. But noooo, she insists on staying alive.
  • What's an Anti-Vaxxer's kid's favourite song? Staying alive
  • If you think that there's nothing that can make your plants stay alive... Watering can
  • Stay on pedestrian footpaths if you wanna stay alive. Out there are cyclepaths
  • Staying alive is easy I can do it in my sleep
  • what does keanu reeves do to stay alive Keanu breathes.
  • A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive.
  • My name is Dr. B. Gee I help people stay alive, stay alive
  • It's so sad that Frank died from mesothelioma He tried asbestos he could to stay alive

Burning Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny burning alive jokes and even better burning alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the n**...'s most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven. This is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

Stayin Alive Jokes

Here is a list of funny stayin alive jokes and even better stayin alive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Laughing scale Ha – Mildly amusing
    Haha – Funny
    Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh
    Hahahaha – Stayin alive
  • What are the Rolling Stones better at than the Bee gees? Stayin' Alive
  • I just learned that there's only one surviving member of the Bee Gees left. So yeah, he's certainly stayin' alive.
  • Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"... Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake...
Alive joke, Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' al

Rib-Tickling Alive Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about alive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean animated jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alive pranks.

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

African Roulette

Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."

A f**... rerun . . .

A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I was confused when I saw that my friend's flower bed was alive and blooming.

"Didn't your poppies die last week?" I asked. "They're not poppies" he said, "They're rein-carnations".

A long day at the hospital

After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:
- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist

During a f**......

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

o**... Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

o**... Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."
The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.
"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

What starts with an 'M', ends with 'arriage', and recently made me the happiest man alive?

Miscarriage

My wife is an angel.

Bob and Harry are fishing one day....
Bob.... "How's your wife been?"
Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"
Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
She looked relieved.

A husband and wife...

Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

Couple went to Jerusalem...

And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...

What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.

If the Founding Fathers were alive today, what would they be doing?

clawing at the tops of their coffins and screaming, probably.

A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.

Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's f**...

Because that person is still alive?

My dad and i were driving past a cemetery

When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice
"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"
And i was really confused so i asked why and he said
"Because they are still alive."
Original: tumblr user @hello.

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...

He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:

"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"
"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."
"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."

Why does snape teach potions and not herbology?

He can't keep a Lily alive.

The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel

- You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"
-- "Yes, I'm alive."
"Did you break your legs?"
-- "No, my legs are fine."
"Did you break your arms?
-- "No, they're OK."
"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"
-- "I can't."
"Why not?"
-- "I'm still falling."

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

Someone is shot every 15 seconds in the US.

How is that person still alive?

If Paul Walker was alive right now, I bet he would be

Frantically scratching at the inside of his coffin.

If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...

alive.

When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

It's not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first guy says My wife is an angel!
The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

My great grandma started giggling at a family BBQ and when I asked what's funny she said...

Everyone here is alive because I got laid .

If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have s**... with her...

I'd probably choose alive this time.

Vaccinated children have a higher chance of getting autism.

After all, you have to be alive to get autism.

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"
I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."
And you never saw anyone run so fast.

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.

Ask Reddit be like "If you could have s**... with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"

I'd choose alive. w**....

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:
370HSSV - 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI
No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.
Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she's still alive

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in u**... once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it would be ridiculous to expect a cat with its stomach contents spread out across a table to get up and catch a rat, and it would be similarly unfathomable to expect a joke with its punchline spelled out over a dozen lines of text to still produce a guffaw. How anyone...

Alive joke, How is a joke like an animal?

jokes about alive