The Best 96 Alive Jokes

Following is our collection of Alive jokes which are very funny. There are some alive died jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these alive wanted dead or alive puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive..

Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

African Roulette

Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.

The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."

The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.

The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."

The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.

As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."

A funeral rerun . . .

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Did you know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen?

It protects from deadly rays.


George Washington Today

What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now?

Scratchin' the inside of his coffin.

I was confused when I saw that my friend's flower bed was alive and blooming.

"Didn't your poppies die last week?" I asked. "They're not poppies" he said, "They're rein-carnations".

A long day at the hospital

After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:

- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?!

Scratching at the inside of her coffin.

Courtesy of my dad.

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Top Alive Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore alive scalia reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean alive outlive dad jokes. There are also alive puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

What starts with an 'M', ends with 'arriage', and recently made me the happiest man alive?

Miscarriage

My wife is an angel.

Bob and Harry are fishing one day....

Bob.... "How's your wife been?"

Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"

Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

She looked relieved.

A husband and wife...

Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.

North Korea has finished nuking the South, and there was one man left alive.

He was the Seoul survivor.

Couple went to Jerusalem...

And the wife died there..

Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.

Man : I'll take the body home.

Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...

Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...


Kim Jong-Il found alive

He's running a hot dog cart in downtown Seoul. It turns out he just wanted a change of Korea.

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"

"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law?

I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.

What game is in Schrodinger's Xbox?

Dead or Alive

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

None, a green house is made out of glass.

If the Founding Fathers were alive today, what would they be doing?

clawing at the tops of their coffins and screaming, probably.

A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.

A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein.

Because he's dead.

What would Martin Luther King Jr. have been if he was white?

Alive

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age

Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral

Because that person is still alive?

My dad and i were driving past a cemetery

When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice

"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

And i was really confused so i asked why and he said

"Because they are still alive."

Original: tumblr user @hello.

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...

He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.

Why couldn't Snape be a Herbology teacher?

Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:

"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."

"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."

Why does snape teach potions and not herbology?

He can't keep a Lily alive.

The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel

- You're lucky, mine's still alive.

I lost my cat

If found, please return him, dead and alive.

Thanks,

Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- "I'm still falling."

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

What are our names?

A hen and her chick are having a talk.
"Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen.", asks the chick.
"Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts.", Says the hen, "but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken...."

Did you hear about the guy that wanted everyone to think he wasn't alive?

He was really deadicated.

What did the doctors use to keep 4 Romans alive?

IVs

How did the blonde kill an earthworm?

She buried it alive.

My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.

I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

Someone is shot every 15 seconds in the US.

How is that person still alive?

If Paul Walker was alive right now, I bet he would be

Frantically scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It's a good thing my brother told me about it

I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...

alive.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

Why does the pope not want to be cremated?

Because he is still alive.

It's not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

Two men were talking about their wives

The first guy says My wife is an angel!

The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan's casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

Ha - mildly amusing

Haha - laughing

Hahaha - saracstic laughing

Hahahaha - Staying Alive

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

Two elephants see a naked man

Elephant: How is he still alive? I mean, can he even feed himself with THAT?

My great grandma started giggling at a family BBQ and when I asked what's funny she said...

Everyone here is alive because I got laid .

If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have sex with her...

I'd probably choose alive this time.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive..

Try missing a couple of payments.

Talk with God

God: you'll be alive for 70-80 years ideally

Man: great! I'll make the most of it!

God: you will be unconscious for 1/3 of your time alive

Man: uh...

God : *leans in* that'll be your favourite part

Vaccinated children have a higher chance of getting autism.

After all, you have to be alive to get autism.

Dad: What has 4 legs and isn't alive?

Me: You can't fool me dad! Its a chair!

Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog's dead

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive

Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me

St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?

The guy said oh, about five seconds ago

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.

(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.

Ask Reddit be like "If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"

I'd choose alive. Weirdo.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she's still alive

Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago

Because he's still alive

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive?

Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-

Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead

I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me

But no, she's still alive.

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now.

Unfortunately she's still alive.

What's an Anti-Vaxxer's kid's favourite song?

Staying alive

I'm terrible at delivering jokes

You're lucky to be alive

If only my wife could look at me now from heaven.

But noooo, she insists on staying alive.

What kind of insurance would Moses have if he was still alive today?

Medicare Part C.

A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with only a goat for company...

After a few months, the goat starts looking a bit enticing. Finally the guy sneaks up behind the goat. As he's about to do the deed, the goat walks off. This goes on for a few months.
One day the guy wakes up to find a beautiful young woman half-drowned in the waves off the island. He rescues her. She's so glad to be alive she says, "I'll do anything for you". The guy thinks for a minute and says, "ANYthing?" She replies, "Yep, Ill do ANYTHING".
So the guy says, "Great, can you hold on to this goat for a minute?"

I was just notified that I have been nominated as the craziest man alive.

The message was beamed directly into my skull.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the alive lively jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working alive mourn piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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