Following is our collection of Alive jokes which are very funny. There are some alive died jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these alive wanted dead or alive puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
It protects from deadly rays.
What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now?
Scratchin' the inside of his coffin.
"Didn't your poppies die last week?" I asked. "They're not poppies" he said, "They're rein-carnations".
After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:
- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist
Scratching at the inside of her coffin.
Courtesy of my dad.
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
You can explore alive scalia reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean alive outlive dad jokes. There are also alive puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."
The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.
"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"
Miscarriage
Bob and Harry are fishing one day....
Bob.... "How's your wife been?"
Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"
Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."
I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
She looked relieved.
Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.
When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.
He was the Seoul survivor.
And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...
He's running a hot dog cart in downtown Seoul. It turns out he just wanted a change of Korea.
The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"
"Not this time son, our dog is dead"
I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
Dead or Alive
He's wanted dead and alive
Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.
clawing at the tops of their coffins and screaming, probably.
He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.
Because he's dead.
Alive
Old age
Because that person is still alive?
When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice
"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"
And i was really confused so i asked why and he said
"Because they are still alive."
Original: tumblr user @hello.
He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.
1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.
"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"
"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."
"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."
He can't keep a Lily alive.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.
Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
- You're lucky, mine's still alive.
If found, please return him, dead and alive.
Thanks,
Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.
"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"
-- "Yes, I'm alive."
"Did you break your legs?"
-- "No, my legs are fine."
"Did you break your arms?
-- "No, they're OK."
"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"
-- "I can't."
"Why not?"
-- "I'm still falling."
I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.
A hen and her chick are having a talk.
"Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen.", asks the chick.
"Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts.", Says the hen, "but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken...."
He was really deadicated.
IVs
She buried it alive.
I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'
How is that person still alive?
Frantically scratching at the inside of his coffin.
I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
It's a good thing my brother told me about it
But I am 2 out of those 3 things.
alive.
Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
Because he is still alive.
It has literally kept me alive for years.
You have to be alive to have autism.
Because you have to be alive to be autistic
The first guy says My wife is an angel!
The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.
... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.
She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
Haha - laughing
Hahaha - saracstic laughing
Hahahaha - Staying Alive
Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.
Elephant: How is he still alive? I mean, can he even feed himself with THAT?
Everyone here is alive because I got laid .
I'd probably choose alive this time.
Try missing a couple of payments.
God: you'll be alive for 70-80 years ideally
Man: great! I'll make the most of it!
God: you will be unconscious for 1/3 of your time alive
Man: uh...
God : *leans in* that'll be your favourite part
After all, you have to be alive to get autism.
Me: You can't fool me dad! Its a chair!
Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog's dead
and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"
I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."
And you never saw anyone run so fast.
St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
He's still alive.
(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)
As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:
370HSSV - 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI
No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.
Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
But no, she's still alive
Because he's still alive
I am just lucky my brother told me about it
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
because Jesus saves.
Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-
Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead
But no, she's still alive.
Look alive, people!
Unfortunately she's still alive.
Staying alive
You're lucky to be alive
But noooo, she insists on staying alive.
Medicare Part C.
After a few months, the goat starts looking a bit enticing. Finally the guy sneaks up behind the goat. As he's about to do the deed, the goat walks off. This goes on for a few months.
One day the guy wakes up to find a beautiful young woman half-drowned in the waves off the island. He rescues her. She's so glad to be alive she says, "I'll do anything for you". The guy thinks for a minute and says, "ANYthing?" She replies, "Yep, Ill do ANYTHING".
So the guy says, "Great, can you hold on to this goat for a minute?"
The message was beamed directly into my skull.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the alive lively jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working alive mourn piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.