Alive Jokes

Following is our collection of Alive funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Alive jokes

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"

"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It's a good thing my brother told me about it

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

Why couldn't Snape be a Herbology teacher?

Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein.

Because he's dead.

My dad and i were driving past a cemetery

When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice

"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

And i was really confused so i asked why and he said

"Because they are still alive."

Original: tumblr user @hello.

Why does the pope not want to be cremated?

Because he is still alive.

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

Ha - mildly amusing

Haha - laughing

Hahaha - saracstic laughing

Hahahaha - Staying Alive

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago

Because he's still alive

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

Dad: What has 4 legs and isn't alive?

Me: You can't fool me dad! Its a chair!

Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog's dead

I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.

I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

She looked relieved.

Ask Reddit be like "If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"

I'd choose alive. Weirdo.

Vaccinated children have a higher chance of getting autism.

After all, you have to be alive to get autism.

What would Martin Luther King Jr. have been if he was white?

Alive

It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive..

Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

I lost my cat

If found, please return him, dead and alive.

Thanks,

Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.

What did the doctors use to keep 4 Romans alive?

IVs

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...

He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive..

Try missing a couple of payments.

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:

"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."

"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."

Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral

Because that person is still alive?

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

None, a green house is made out of glass.

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

What starts with an 'M', ends with 'arriage', and recently made me the happiest man alive?

Miscarriage

Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel

- You're lucky, mine's still alive.

A funeral rerun . . .

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- "I'm still falling."

Two men were talking about their wives

The first guy says My wife is an angel!



The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.

It's not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law?

I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.

My wife is an angel.

Bob and Harry are fishing one day....

Bob.... "How's your wife been?"

Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"

Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she's still alive

If Paul Walker was alive right now, I bet he would be

Frantically scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Why does snape teach potions and not herbology?

He can't keep a Lily alive.

A husband and wife...

Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

African Roulette

Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.

The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."

The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.

The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."

The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.

As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive

Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me

St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?

The guy said oh, about five seconds ago

Ad in the Newspaper

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the newspaper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?' And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?'

Couple went to Jerusalem...

And the wife died there..


Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.



Man : I'll take the body home.



Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...




Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...

Did you know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen?

It protects from deadly rays.

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar ransom, or else they will douse him in gasoline and burn him alive! We are going car to car asking for a contribution."

"Oh Dear!" I exclaimed. "What is the average contribution people are giving to this great and noble cause?"

"About a gallon, sir"

A long day at the hospital

After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:

- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist

How did the blonde kill an earthworm?

She buried it alive.

My great grandma started giggling at a family BBQ and when I asked what's funny she said...

Everyone here is alive because I got laid .

I was confused when I saw that my friend's flower bed was alive and blooming.

"Didn't your poppies die last week?" I asked. "They're not poppies" he said, "They're rein-carnations".

If the Founding Fathers were alive today, what would they be doing?

clawing at the tops of their coffins and screaming, probably.

A husband and wife are headed to a dinner party.

As they're driving, the husband accidentally runs over a skunk. The wife, all concerned, makes him stop to see if the skunk is okay.

"Honey, it's still alive! We can't just leave it here," the wife says.

"Dear, it's only a skunk. Let's go."

"No. We have to take it to the vet."

"Fine. We'll go after the dinner party. When we get to the party, just keep it under your dress to keep it warm."

"But what about the smell?"

"I don't know. Just hold its nose."

A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms.

3 Vampires meet in a crossroad

The 1st vampire said "see that village over there? I'm gonna suck their blood dry", 30 minutes later he come back with mouth full of bloodstain "Nobody's alive in that village anymore".

The 2nd vampire doesn't want to lose, he said "see that town over there? I'm gonna suck their blood dry", 10 minutes later he come back with face covered in bloodstain, "That city is dead".

The 3rd vampire is so eager to compete he quickly go to the direction of a big city without saying anything. He come back 10 seconds later, all body covered in blood, the two vampires are impressed.

He say "You see that pole over there?"

"Yeah.."

"I didn't"

Someone is shot every 15 seconds in the US.

How is that person still alive?

I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for a few dollars for food.

I pull $10 from my wallet and ask the man "if i give you this money will you buy beer with it?"

"No i had to give up drinking years ago" the man replied

"Will you use it to fish instead of buying food?" I asked

"No i dont waste time fishing" he replied " I have to use my time to try and stay alive"

"Will you use it to buy hunting equiptment i asked?"

"Are you NUTS? I havent been hunting in twenty years!!"

"Well" i said " instead of giving you the money im going to take you home and give you a nice hot bath, and a amazing dinner cooked by my wife"

The man, astounded asked " wont your wife be furious?"

I replied "dont worry about that. It's important for her to see what happens to a man when he stops hunting, fishing and drinking."

If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...

alive.

If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have sex with her...

I'd probably choose alive this time.

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

George Washington Today

What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now?


Scratchin' the inside of his coffin.

A guy arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter welcomes him and gives him a tour of the main building. One of the room is filled with clocks.
St. Peter explains: "These clocks keep track of every lie someone deceased or still alive has ever made. For example, this is Mother Teresa's clock. The time is exactly midnight 0 minutes 3 seconds, which means she has lied three times in her life. Bill Cosby's clock just went forward a second, which means he just lied."
After some looking around, the guy says: "with all that's coming out recently, I was curious as to see how many lies Bill O'Reilly has said, but I can't seem to find his clock. Do you know where it is?"
To which St. Peter replies: "Oh, Jesus brought that one to his office. He uses it as a fan."

What game is in Schrodinger's Xbox?

Dead or Alive

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Talk with God

God: you'll be alive for 70-80 years ideally

Man: great! I'll make the most of it!

God: you will be unconscious for 1/3 of your time alive

Man: uh...

God : *leans in* that'll be your favourite part

Two elephants see a naked man

Elephant: How is he still alive? I mean, can he even feed himself with THAT?

Kim Jong-Il found alive

He's running a hot dog cart in downtown Seoul. It turns out he just wanted a change of Korea.

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan's casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?!

Scratching at the inside of her coffin.

Courtesy of my dad.

Did you hear about the guy that wanted everyone to think he wasn't alive?

He was really deadicated.

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him with gas and burn him alive. I'm out here taking up a collection to help."
"Oh, God." I said. "Of course I'm willing to help. Anything. How much have you got so far?"
"About six gallons." He said.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes