Alert Jokes

Following is our collection of rcmp humor and alarm one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Alert puns for adults, dirty aware jokes or clean beware gags for kids.

There is an abundance of feds jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 74 funniest jokes on alert. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lookout witze you can hear about alert.

The Best jokes about Alert

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

Dad joke alert: So when does a bad joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"


I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold

Spoiler alert

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

My great-grandfather knew that Titanic would sink and tried to alert people 3 times

The third time, he was expelled from the movie theater.

A rite of passage. [Dadjoke alert]

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...

Suddenly the radio starts booming: Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.

The man, confused at this alert thinks to himself One car? There are hundreds of them!

[Old joke alert] Why are dwarfs so depressed?

Because six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.

Bad pun alert.

I've been watching behind the scenes reels of movies for quite a few years so the magic of movies is somewhat lost on me. I'll know how that car flip was achieved, how they choreographed fight scenes etc.

Still, watching Gravity this weekend I couldn't help but think, "how on Earth did they do that?"

They should play "Let the bodies hit the floor"

On Life Alert commercials.

Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk

Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer

A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?

I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet

So if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately.

One person's trigger warning... another person's spoiler alert.

My wife and I went grocery shopping with our masks on

when we got home and took off our masks, I discovered I brought home the wrong wife. Stay alert people!

(Old joke alert - be gentle.)

So, a guy sees this girl home after a date.

She says

\- Do you want to come in? You'll have to be very quiet, my parents are upstairs.

\- Sure

So they go in to the sitting room, get on the couch, and start smooching.

The guy says

\- Sorry, I need to use your bathroom.

\- The bathroom is upstairs, and you might wake my parents. Can you go in the kitchen sink?

\- OK

Couple of minutes later, guy walks back in

\- Any paper?

*Dad joke ALERT*

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

Spoiler alert!

The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

I just got an AMBER alert that won't open...

It says: error 404 child not found

Why did Satan need life alert?

Because he had fallen, and could not get back up.

Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...

Someone Alert the Masses!

Emergency broadcast alert.

Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.

Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.

A man is watching the news.

All of a sudden, he sees an alert saying that there is a car driving the completely wrong way on I-84. Shocked by this, he goes to call his mom, who was planning to come go his house later that night, via I-84.

"Mom, be very careful out there, there is a car driving backwards on I-84."

She responds, "I know! There's hundreds of them!"

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Europeans use too many gyros for the slaughter of animals. Let's alert PITA.

That was a terrible pun. I falafel.

Spoiler alert

Jesus dies in the Bible

I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.

When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.

Don't go around telling people what Teresa Ripoll is an anagram of before they've solved it.

Spoiler alert

Be alert

The world needs more lerts.

Why did the horse get life alert?

Because "i've fallen and can't giddy-up"

The only girl who ever texts me...

Is Amber Alert.

First baby born with DNA from 3 people

This week the world's first baby was born with DNA from three different people using a new controversial technique developed by US scientists. The baby will be featured in the upcoming episode of Maury and spoiler alert, they're both the father.

What is the procedure when a sheep gets abducted?

The police send out a LAMBer alert

If you're going to play a 311 song...

... make sure you issue an Amber Alert.

What is a must have fall accessory

Life Alert

Whats the easiest way to charge someone 3 grand?

Press their Life Alert button

I finished reading The Dictionary the other day...

Spoiler alert, the zebra did it

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

I'm watching Finding Bigfoot

Spoiler alert: They didn't find him.

Last month I unknowingly purchased stolen roofing supplies. I wrote a Craigslist post to alert others...


So a co-worker of mine was at the counter when a couple tourists from America walk in...

They inquired about a couple things and suddenly changed the subject. They were curious about the beepers we have on street corners to alert blind people when it is safe to cross the street. The woman asked why we had the things that make a chirpy bird sort of sound on the corner. He explained that it was to let blind people know when the light changed. She then exclaimed very loudly in a thick southern drawl, quite seriously "Oh my god!, they let the blind drive!" It took all our wherewithal not to become incontinent with laughter.

My girlfriend said she liked the jewelry my grandmother wore

so I bought her a life alert necklace

There would be no evil in the word.....

if Satan had life alert.

Spoiler alert!

The milk's got 1 day left

A worker at the Taxidermy Department Store notices some damage to a couple of grizzly exhibits

The front right leg on each of the works has been removed.

The worker sprints to the front of the store to alert his manager of the vandalism. On his way, he spies a redneck carrying the missing appendages.

"SIR!" the worker shouts. "You have damaged valuable pieces of merchandise. Exit the store. IMMEDIATELY!"

"Why?" drawls the redneck innocently. "I have the right two bear arms!"

Alert! Widespread, paralyzing, life-consuming, pandemic virus!!



I told my wife that she was alert and she replied "That's good because America needs more lerts".

Did you hear the one about the amber alert?

Neither did the children in my basement.

The Presidents security detail recently underwent months of grueling training.

They no longer go to high alert when he reaches for his wallet.

Spoiler Alert!!

The cheese that I bought has been sitting out for days.

Nephew Joke Alert!

Him: Why don't cows talk?

Me: I don't know. Why?

Him: I don't know *hysterically laughs*

[Spoiler Alert] What's inside Hilary's new book, "What Happened".

I lost.

You want to know what decreases drag on a car? *SPOILER ALERT*

I told you, it's a spoiler.

Please don't tell me about your methods of increasing drag on your car

It would be a spoiler alert

What happened when Honey Boo Boo's mom lost 120 pounds?

An amber alert was issued

Comment found on an FB
pic of a new born baby

"Hey kid, Spoiler Alert: Life sucks."

Wanna hear the ending to the movie about controlling the aerodynamics of cars?

Spoiler alert

Just got a Presidential Emergency Alert on my phone and I immediately thought...

My God what did he do now?!


If you don't reply to this message and share it with 10 friends your mom will die in her sleep tonight!

FEMA/Presidential Alert Text.

Did yours say "NO COLLUSION" ?

Boris Johnson Stay Alert joke

Please can someone tell Boris coronavirus is not a physical assailant? You can't stay alert to single-stranded RNA.

What do you call a 911 call from a stripper? Amber Alert

Warning RACISM alert 🚨

How do you thank a black friend?

Cheerio nigerio.

*Police Alert* Two men wanted for stealing a cement mixer.

Caution is advised. They are hardened criminals.

A lert joke

Stay alert? It's a deadly virus not a zebra crossing.

Be alert, there's a midget psychic murderer on the loose.

He's a small medium at large.

Stay Alert ! Joke

My phone actually didn't receive the presidential alert yesterday...

The bidding will start at $10,000.00.

They say all American cell phones got that presidential alert today...

But I didn't get one... so I guess Trump really isn't my president.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes