The Best 74 Alert Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Alert jokes. There are some alert alarm jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these alert life alert puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Alert Jokes and Puns

Comment found on an FB
pic of a new born baby

"Hey kid, Spoiler Alert: Life sucks."

They should play "Let the bodies hit the floor"

On Life Alert commercials.

Be alert

The world needs more lerts.

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

jokes about alert

Bad pun alert.

I've been watching behind the scenes reels of movies for quite a few years so the magic of movies is somewhat lost on me. I'll know how that car flip was achieved, how they choreographed fight scenes etc.

Still, watching Gravity this weekend I couldn't help but think, "how on Earth did they do that?"


Did you hear the one about the amber alert?

Neither did the children in my basement.

Spoiler alert!

The milk's got 1 day left

Alert joke, Spoiler alert!

My girlfriend said she liked the jewelry my grandmother wore

so I bought her a life alert necklace

Hey sexy granny, you better call life alert

Because I've fallen for you and can't get up

SPOILER ALERT:

I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

Why did Satan need life alert?

Because he had fallen, and could not get back up.

You can explore alert rcmp reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean alert aware dad jokes. There are also alert puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

There would be no evil in the word.....

if Satan had life alert.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

What happened when Honey Boo Boo's mom lost 120 pounds?

An amber alert was issued

Alert joke, What happened when Honey Boo Boo's mom lost 120 pounds?

The Presidents security detail recently underwent months of grueling training.

They no longer go to high alert when he reaches for his wallet.

Please don't tell me about your methods of increasing drag on your car

It would be a spoiler alert

First baby born with DNA from 3 people

This week the world's first baby was born with DNA from three different people using a new controversial technique developed by US scientists. The baby will be featured in the upcoming episode of Maury and spoiler alert, they're both the father.


The only girl who ever texts me...

Is Amber Alert.

One person's trigger warning...

...is another person's spoiler alert.

[Old joke alert] Why are dwarfs so depressed?

Because six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.

Wanna hear the ending to the movie about controlling the aerodynamics of cars?

Spoiler alert

Why did the horse get life alert?

Because "i've fallen and can't giddy-up"

Don't go around telling people what Teresa Ripoll is an anagram of before they've solved it.

Spoiler alert

Emergency broadcast alert.

Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.

Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.

Alert joke, Emergency broadcast alert.

What is a must have fall accessory

Life Alert

Alert

I told my wife that she was alert and she replied "That's good because America needs more lerts".

Last month I unknowingly purchased stolen roofing supplies. I wrote a Craigslist post to alert others...

HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA


I finished reading The Dictionary the other day...

Spoiler alert, the zebra did it

A man is watching the news.

All of a sudden, he sees an alert saying that there is a car driving the completely wrong way on I-84. Shocked by this, he goes to call his mom, who was planning to come go his house later that night, via I-84.

"Mom, be very careful out there, there is a car driving backwards on I-84."

She responds, "I know! There's hundreds of them!"

I just got an AMBER alert that won't open...

It says: error 404 child not found

Alert! Widespread, paralyzing, life-consuming, pandemic virus!!

Norton.

If you're going to play a 311 song...

... make sure you issue an Amber Alert.


Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...

Someone Alert the Masses!

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet

So if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately.

[Spoiler Alert] What's inside Hilary's new book, "What Happened".

I lost.

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

Europeans use too many gyros for the slaughter of animals. Let's alert PITA.

That was a terrible pun. I falafel.

Spoiler alert!

The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

Spoiler alert

Jesus dies in the Bible

Whats the easiest way to charge someone 3 grand?

Press their Life Alert button

I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.

When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.

Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk

Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer

Spoiler Alert!!

The cheese that I bought has been sitting out for days.

My great-grandfather knew that Titanic would sink and tried to alert people 3 times

The third time, he was expelled from the movie theater.

A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...

Suddenly the radio starts booming: Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.

The man, confused at this alert thinks to himself One car? There are hundreds of them!

I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold

Spoiler alert

You want to know what decreases drag on a car? *SPOILER ALERT*

I told you, it's a spoiler.

I'm watching Finding Bigfoot

Spoiler alert: They didn't find him.

What is the procedure when a sheep gets abducted?

The police send out a LAMBer alert

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?

Dad joke alert: So when does a bad joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

(Old joke alert - be gentle.)

So, a guy sees this girl home after a date.

She says

\- Do you want to come in? You'll have to be very quiet, my parents are upstairs.

\- Sure

So they go in to the sitting room, get on the couch, and start smooching.

The guy says

\- Sorry, I need to use your bathroom.

\- The bathroom is upstairs, and you might wake my parents. Can you go in the kitchen sink?

\- OK

Couple of minutes later, guy walks back in

\- Any paper?

*Dad joke ALERT*

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

Nephew Joke Alert!

Him: Why don't cows talk?

Me: I don't know. Why?

Him: I don't know *hysterically laughs*

A worker at the Taxidermy Department Store notices some damage to a couple of grizzly exhibits

The front right leg on each of the works has been removed.

The worker sprints to the front of the store to alert his manager of the vandalism. On his way, he spies a redneck carrying the missing appendages.

"SIR!" the worker shouts. "You have damaged valuable pieces of merchandise. Exit the store. IMMEDIATELY!"

"Why?" drawls the redneck innocently. "I have the right two bear arms!"

My wife and I went grocery shopping with our masks on

when we got home and took off our masks, I discovered I brought home the wrong wife. Stay alert people!

A man was being interviewed for job in the army

The general asks the man: We want a person with a suspicious mind, one who is always alert. Merciless and ready to attack. Someone who has an acute sense of hearing and has detective ability. And most importantly having a killer instinct!

So do you think you are eligible?

The man replies: Sir... can my wife apply!???

Spoiler alert!

Remember to check your milk for freshness.

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the cinema.

The king's guard bursts into the throne room...

Out of breath and in a panic they alert the king
> Sire, the peasants, they're revolting!


The king nods and responds:
>Mmm yes, they are quite disgusting aren't they

What did the starship captain say when he peed his pants?

Yellow alert, number one.

A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison.

The police alert said There's a small medium at large.

Don't you hate it when you get an Amber Alert

and you have to switch cars?

How do you have a serious conversation with a stoner?

You have to be very blunt with them.

[corny joke alert]

I've been training my dog to alert me when he smells people who follow a creepy pseudo-religious leader who makes them believe that their salvation lies in giving him money.

It's sniffacult work.

Spoiler alert

I left the milk on the counter all weekend

Amber alert has a new meaning now thanks to Amber Heard

It's what the city sends to men when Amber is seen at a bar.

Johnny Depp's the one guy ...

....that could have used an Amber alert.

Whoever coined the term Expiration Date made a huge mistake.

It should have been called Spoiler Alert.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the alert lookout jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working alert beware piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes