The Best 85 Alcoholic Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Alcoholic jokes. There are some alcoholic absinthe jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these alcoholic you know you re an alcoholic when puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Alcoholic Jokes and Puns

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

I had an imaginary friend growing up...he was an alcoholic.

I called him Dad.

A greedy man, a rapist, and an alcoholic...

A greedy man, a rapist, and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, rape, and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the rapist disappears.

Alcoholic joke, A greedy man, a rapist, and an alcoholic...

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.

What do you call a mathematician who drinks too much?

A functioning alcoholic.


Why couldn't the alcoholic become a lawyer?

He just couldn't pass the bar.

Why is the alcoholic law student sad?

Because he couldn't pass the bar.

Alcoholic joke, Why is the alcoholic law student sad?

What do you call an alcoholic Mormon?

An oxymormon

So a pedophile, an alcoholic and a priest walks into a bar

he sits down

Alcoholics don't run in my family...

They stumble around breaking things

What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

Every night they pop open a cold one.

You can explore alcoholic drunkard reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean alcoholic prohibition dad jokes. There are also alcoholic puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I'm currently a recovering alcoholic...

But I prefer the term "hungover."

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

Old Soviet joke

People are waiting in a long line like to buy vodka. Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

I'm afraid my dog is an alcoholic.

She just can't seem to hold her licker.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

Alcoholic joke, A horse walks into a bar.

Mario is a recovering alcoholic...

haunted by the thought of Boos.

Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister

Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right...

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.


An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"

the officer replies "for drinking"

The man replies "great, when do we start?"

Where can you find alcoholic sheep?

At the BAAAAH

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

A Priest, an alcoholic and a Paedophile, walk in to a bar.

He buys a drink.

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia

Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'

I'm not an alcoholic ...

Alcoholic's need a drink, but I already have one

Three guys walk into a bar: an alcoholic, a priest, and a child molester...

And that's just the first guy.

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "You come here a lot; are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders this for a moment and says, "I don't think I am."
POOF! The horse disappears.

At this point, a psychology student would begin to snicker because he knows about the Descartes postulate, "I think therefore I am."

I could have told you about that at the beginning of the joke, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

What do you call an alcoholic eating grapes?

Impatient.

What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic

But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic.

I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite.

All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.

What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

What do a 45 year old pregnant alcoholic and Ironman have in common?

Both have a little Downy Jr in them.

An alcoholic is sitting at a bar

He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.

The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.

The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."

I recently bought an alcoholic ginger beer

He wasn't pleased

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

A kid asks his dad what a alcoholic is

The dad says "you see those 2 trees? A alcoholic would see 4"

The kid replies with "but dad, there is only 1 tree"

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.

The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.

See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic..

When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.

How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?

On a case-by-case basis.

What's a alcoholic

Jack asks his father "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The dad says "You see those 4 trees over there, if you see eight it means your an alcoholic." the son replies with "But dad I only see two"

A kid asked his dad..

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic

The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees"
The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!"

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

I'll see my self out......

A boy asks his dad "Dad what's an alcoholic?"

Dad replied: "Well son, do you see those 2 yellow cars over there? An alcoholic would see 4"

The son responded: "But dad, I can only see 1 car"

Did you know that prostitutes at the Moulin Rouge used strong alcoholic drinks to bleach their hair?

Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.

The son went to his dad and asked, Dad, what's an alcoholic?

You see those four trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see eight.

But dad... I only see two.

A son and dad are driving

"Daddy what's an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those 4 cars? and alcoholic would see 8."

"But daddy there's only 2"

I'm a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I'm not pessimistic, I'm just a raging alcoholic.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cmΒ² in a bar.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

I don't think I am. the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .

But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar...

... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.



See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A son asked his dad, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?'

The dad replied, "Well, son, you see those four trees? An alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate,
" I think therefore I am."

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

My wife suffers from a drinking problem.

Oh is she an alcoholic?

No, I am, but she's the one who suffers.

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says You know, you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don't think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte's famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

My boss pulled me aside at work one day

And said you're a high functioning alcoholic, I asked him how he knew that I was also high

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .

A man gets pulled over for swerving

Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

*"I have no clue". The man replied.*

"Have you been drinking, sir?"

*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*

"Then what is that in your cup holder?"

"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"

"I thought you said you didn't drink any alcohol tonight?"

"*No, officer. I said I haven't had any "alcoholic drinks". All of my friends are alcoholics and not a single one of them drinks that shit."*

OC

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, Are you an alcoholic?

The horse replies, I don't think I am. The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition Cogito ergo sum , or I think, therefore I am. If this was to be explained at the start of the joke though, it wouldn't work. It would be putting Descartes before the horse.

My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer.

But he could never pass the bar.

A horse went into a pub every night for a week.

The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

Drink like a man or...

An alcoholic in serious health condition finally goes to see a doctor:

\- "Are you drinking like a man, or like cattle?"
\- "Geez doctor, of course like a man!"
\- "That's the problem! Cattle know when to stop."

Brewing company Hart Dickins is catering to its female customer base with a new alcoholic apple cider.

After all, what woman wouldn't want a Hart Dickins cider?

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse

An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my throat lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes widen in shock and judgement, and in a reflex of dismissal he adds "On the rocks though". Her mood quickly shifts from shock to anger and says "WELL THERES' YOUR PROBLEM! STOP DRINKING ROCKS, STUPID!".

I'm 35 years old but because I'm an alcoholic who makes bad decisions, I have the liver of a 65-year-old.

I really don't know what to do, but I hope I can find a buyer with connections in the black market or else I'll have to just get rid of it before I get caught..

As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

Whats an alcoholic motorcycle's favorite drink?

RUUUMrumrumrumrumrumrumRUMRUUUUMMMrumrumrum

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the alcoholic jiu jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working alcoholic alcoholic anonymous piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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