Alcoholic Jokes
160 alcoholic jokes and hilarious alcoholic puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about alcoholic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best alcoholic roast jokes, alcoholic father jokes, alcoholic halloween jokes.
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- Short Alcoholic Jokes
- Alcoholic One Liners
- Alcoholic Drink Jokes
- Alcoholic Father Jokes
- Alcoholic Anonymous Jokes
- Alcoholic Beverages Jokes
- More Alcoholic Jokes
Funniest Alcoholic Short Jokes
Short alcoholic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alcoholic humour may include short drinker jokes also.
- The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two." - A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake. - When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.
- A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn't want it to just go towards crack and alcohol So I gave it to the homeless man
- Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
- TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
- What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
- I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety. I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
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Alcoholic One Liners
Which alcoholic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alcoholic? I can suggest the ones about drinking alcohol and alcohol drink.
- It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.
- Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.
- Alcohol is not always the answer… …but it's worth a shot.
- Doctor: You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol? Me: I drink it.
- I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.
- Egyptian alcoholics are the hardest to talk to..... They are always in denial.
- What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird
- Alcoholics don't run in my family... They stumble around breaking things
- I'm giving up alcohol for a month!!! Correction: I'm giving up! Alcohol for a month!!
- Why Did The Alcoholic comedian Quit Performing? He couldn't handle the boos.
- What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird
- What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird
- Mario is a recovering alcoholic... haunted by the thought of Boos.
- What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city? Nadasaki
- I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health So i quit thinking.
Alcoholic Drink Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcoholic drink jokes and even better alcoholic drink puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?" - I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday Thank god I only drink every night
- I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday and Today.
- My daughter asked why I drink so much beer I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
- When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic.. When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.
- Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32? To keep alcohol out of the high schools.
- Oh, sure.. when I drink alcohol I'm told I'm an alcoholic.. But when I drink Fanta, nobody tells me I'm Fantastic. What is going on?
- I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs, …drugs is where I draw the line.
- Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police? Drinking and deriving
- Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix So don't drink and derive
Alcoholic Father Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcoholic father jokes and even better alcoholic father puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees"
The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!" - My father is a recovering alcoholic. I've never seen him this hungover.
- My unemployed alcoholic father has a brilliant legal mind. Unfortunately he's never passed a bar.
- A boy asks his father, dad, what is an alcoholic? To what the father responded, d'you see those four trees over there? An alcoholic sees eight.
Then the boy said, but dad, there are only two! - My brother recently got married To celebrate, my mother decided to pull out a couple bottles from my late father's homemade alcohol collection.
That way he could be there in spirits - Remember the guy who got molested by his alcoholic father? He showed up in court the other day for drunk driving and the judge said, "Looks like your old man rubbed off on you"
- Keeping up with DC is like keeping up with my alcoholic father You hope it's going to get better, but it keeps beating you down
- Called my doctor about hearing loss, he asked me what were the symptoms. I told him it was a show on Fox about an abusive alcoholic father, but that's hardly relevant.
- Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!"
Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!"
Father: "But you have to start with something!" - My father was the greatest magician ever He can turn any alcoholic drinks to domestic a**...
Alcoholic Anonymous Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcoholic anonymous jokes and even better alcoholic anonymous puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Hi, my name is Bob, and I'm an alcoholic Sir, this is Triple A, not alcoholics anonymous
I know, I'm just trying to explain why my car is in a lake. - Why do Canadians call alcohol anonymous triple A? AA, Eh
- Why shouldn't you join Alcoholics Anonymous on Thanksgiving? Because all they serve is cold turkey.
- alcoholic alzheimer's anonymous. No one knows who they are, or what they're drinking.
- I would go to alcoholics anonymous But everyone already knows
- I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and when I arrived... Nobody was anonymous, they were all friends, all brothers. So we went out to celebrate.
- Well I finally solved my drinking problem, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous Yeah I still drink, I just use a different name, that's all
- Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'
- Told my Canadian friend my Alcoholics Anonymous teacher gave my homework an A "You got an AA A, eh?"
- What do Alcoholics Anonymous and circle jerks have in common? They're both about pulling yourself together
Alcoholic Beverages Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcoholic beverages jokes and even better alcoholic beverages puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic.
- I recently got in trouble for bartering alcoholic beverages to quaint hotels. I was charged with Inn Cider trading.
- The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"
- I really don't have much of an opinion on alcoholic beverages during the holidays... You could say I'm pretty eggnogstic.
- I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise. When police asked me why I did it I couldn't give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.
- Thou shouldst never accepth a can containing an alcoholic beverage from this person Shakesbeer.
- What's Darth Maul's favourite alcoholic beverage? *Qui-Gon* Gin
- A weasel walks into a bar - Good evening! Would you like water, pop or an alcoholic beverage? - Asks the bartender.
-Pop! Goes the weasel - I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it. I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.
- What's the scariest alcoholic beverage? Malibooooooo
Uproarious Alcoholic Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about alcoholic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drunk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alcoholic pranks.
An underage weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" p**...! The horse disappears.
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*p**...*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"
Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "
"Dad, there's just two cars."
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?
Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The bartender says You know, you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don't think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.
See this was a joke about Descarte's famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
A horse walks into a bar...
... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
A kid asked his dad..
Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
I'll see my self out......
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to h**....
Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to h**.... Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to h**.... Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to h**....
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"
is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
A genie says to an alcoholic drifter, "You have three wishes, what would you like for your first wish"?
Drifter: I would like a bottle of whiskey that is never empty
In a flash, the drifter is holding a bottle of whiskey.
He takes a few gulps from the bottle, and in a few seconds, the bottle is full again.
Genie: What would you like for your other two wishes?
Drifter: I'll have two more of these bottles please.
Me: "I want to divorce my wife." Lawyer: "On what grounds?" Me: "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar." Lawyer:"Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?"
Me: "No, she's looking for me."
A horse walks into a bar...
... the bartender said "You're in here a lot, I think you may be an alcoholic." The horse replied, "I don't think I am", and vanished.
See, this is a play on Descartes famous line "I think, therefore I am". I would have explained this before the joke, but that would have been putting Descarte before the horse.
A horse went into a pub every night for a week.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Old Soviet joke
People are waiting in a long line like to buy v**.... Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'
Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister.
It tastes the same but it's still wrong.
A Horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.
The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.
See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
An alcoholic is sitting at a bar
He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."
Alcoholic Horse
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?
The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and p**... he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?
On a case-by-case basis.
Why couldn't the alcoholic become a lawyer?
He just couldn't pass the bar.
Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic t**...?
He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
One time i was at a bar
A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family
i said "No but they stumble around and break s**..."
Three guys walk into a bar: an alcoholic, a priest, and a child m**......
And that's just the first guy.
I'm not an alcoholic ...
Alcoholic's need a drink, but I already have one
The son went to his dad and asked, Dad, what's an alcoholic?
You see those four trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see eight.
But dad... I only see two.
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?
Wine
How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?
Backwards.
I had an imaginary friend growing up...he was an alcoholic.
I called him Dad.
Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia
Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and p**... he disappears.
This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate,
" I think therefore I am."
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What's a alcoholic
Jack asks his father "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The dad says "You see those 4 trees over there, if you see eight it means your an alcoholic." the son replies with "But dad I only see two"
What do you call an alcoholic eating grapes?
Impatient.
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...
It tastes the same but it just ain't right
My boss pulled me aside at work one day
And said you're a high functioning alcoholic, I asked him how he knew that I was also high
Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?
Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.
Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.
Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!
I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, t**....
All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.
Why is the alcoholic law student sad?
Because he couldn't pass the bar.
Whats an alcoholic motorcycle's favorite drink?
RUUUMrumrumrumrumrumrumRUMRUUUUMMMrumrumrum
Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...
but they couldn't get past the first two bars.
What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?
They both like to crack open a cold one
I'm currently a recovering alcoholic...
But I prefer the term "hungover."
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar
What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?
A Priest, an alcoholic and a p**..., walk in to a bar.
He buys a drink.
A boy asks his dad "Dad what's an alcoholic?"
Dad replied: "Well son, do you see those 2 yellow cars over there? An alcoholic would see 4"
The son responded: "But dad, I can only see 1 car"
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...
A son asked his dad, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?'
The dad replied, "Well, son, you see those four trees? An alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
What does non-alcoholic beer and going down on you cousin have in common?
Sure they taste the same, but it just ain't right.
I come from a long line of alcoholics.
My gene pool has a swim up bar.
A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."
The bartender says to the horse, Are you an alcoholic?
The horse replies, I don't think I am. The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.
Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition Cogito ergo sum , or I think, therefore I am. If this was to be explained at the start of the joke though, it wouldn't work. It would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic...
A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, r**..., and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the r**... disappears.
A son and dad are driving
"Daddy what's an alcoholic?"
Dad: "You see those 4 cars? and alcoholic would see 8."
"But daddy there's only 2"
Did you know that prostitutes at the Moulin Rouge used strong alcoholic drinks to bleach their hair?
Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.
I recently bought an alcoholic ginger beer
He wasn't pleased
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.
Oh is she an alcoholic?
No, I am, but she's the one who suffers.
What do a 45 year old pregnant alcoholic and Ironman have in common?
Both have a little Downy Jr in them.
Where can you find alcoholic sheep?
At the BAAAAH
