Alcoholic Jokes

Following is our collection of drunkard alcoholic funnies and absinthe alcoholic chistes working better than reddit jokes. They include Alcoholic puns for adults, dirty prohibition jokes or clean jiu gags for kids.

There is an abundance of beer jokes out there. You're fortunate to read our collection of the 80 funniest alcoholic jokes on the internet>. Even funnier than any drinker witze you can hear about alcoholic.

The Best jokes about Alcoholic

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

I don't think I am. the horse replies.


The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .

But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar...

... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic

The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees"
The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!"

An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"

the officer replies "for drinking"

The man replies "great, when do we start?"

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

A kid asked his dad..

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

I'll see my self out......

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

Alcoholics don't run in my family...

They stumble around breaking things

When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic..

When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.

Old Soviet joke

People are waiting in a long line like to buy vodka. Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

Mario is a recovering alcoholic...

haunted by the thought of Boos.

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.

The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.

See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

An alcoholic is sitting at a bar

He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.

The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.

The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."

I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic

But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic.

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?

On a case-by-case basis.

Why couldn't the alcoholic become a lawyer?

He just couldn't pass the bar.

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Three guys walk into a bar: an alcoholic, a priest, and a child molester...

And that's just the first guy.

I'm not an alcoholic ...

Alcoholic's need a drink, but I already have one

The son went to his dad and asked, Dad, what's an alcoholic?

You see those four trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see eight.

But dad... I only see two.

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?


How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?


I had an imaginary friend growing up...he was an alcoholic.

I called him Dad.

Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia

Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'

What's a alcoholic

Jack asks his father "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The dad says "You see those 4 trees over there, if you see eight it means your an alcoholic." the son replies with "But dad I only see two"

What do you call an alcoholic eating grapes?


Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite.

All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tom, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Tom and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Tom, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tom quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

So a pedophile, an alcoholic and a priest walks into a bar

he sits down

Why is the alcoholic law student sad?

Because he couldn't pass the bar.

What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

They both like to crack open a cold one

I'm currently a recovering alcoholic...

But I prefer the term "hungover."

A Priest, an alcoholic and a Paedophile, walk in to a bar.

He buys a drink.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...

A son asked his dad, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?'

The dad replied, "Well, son, you see those four trees? An alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

A boy asks his dad "Dad what's an alcoholic?"

Dad replied: "Well son, do you see those 2 yellow cars over there? An alcoholic would see 4"

The son responded: "But dad, I can only see 1 car"

Teacher ask her pupils what they want to be when they grow up

Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.

20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.

He stands in his appartament on the top floor of the highest building on the continent, looking at the town of which he owns 3/4, with a glass of most exensive single malt in his hand, and he asks himself a question...

When did this all go wrong?

All the forest animals are having a big car show..

..shining their rims, getting ready to put their cars on display for the forest folk to see. The bunny is hopping along half drunk and stumbles into the clearing.

"WHOAAHhh bear, that's a sweet lambo, how did you ever afford it?"

"Well bunny, i'm not an alcoholic like you" replies the bear.

The bunny takes another sip of his stashed mickey and hops with his face into the rims of a Ferrari.

"Woaahh Fox, how on earth did you afford this!"

The Fox, grabbing a towel out of its back pocket gives the bunny a dirty look and mutters "I don't spend every acorn i earn on booze.."

The bunny, amazed, takes another swig of vodka and hops his way back into the woods.

As everyone is adding the finishing touches to their rides, ready to open the show to the public, a helicopter lands in the middle of it all with the bunny in the pilot seat. He barely makes two hops and throws up.

"Wow bunny.. how on earth did you ever manage to afford that?!" the amazed onlookers exclaim.

" *hic*.. turned in my empties"

A son and dad are driving

"Daddy what's an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those 4 cars? and alcoholic would see 8."

"But daddy there's only 2"

I recently bought an alcoholic ginger beer

He wasn't pleased

Did you know that prostitutes at the Moulin Rouge used strong alcoholic drinks to bleach their hair?

Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.

What do a 45 year old pregnant alcoholic and Ironman have in common?

Both have a little Downy Jr in them.

A smoker, an alcoholic, and a rapist are offered 1,000,000$ if they can change their lives... they're put in one room filled with the best and most expensive alcohol and the best and most expensive brands of cigarettes, and they have to survive there for a week.
On the second day the alcoholic couldn't take it over there and drank all the alcohol.
The smoker couldn't take it either and decided to light one up, but as he tries to light he drops his lighter and just as he starts to bend over to get it the rapist says: "Pick up the lighter and we both burn out"

Where can you find alcoholic sheep?


Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister

Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right...

A smoker, an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist...

The smoker says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any sexual contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The smoker and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The smoker says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the smoker and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.

I'm afraid my dog is an alcoholic.

She just can't seem to hold her licker.

What do you call a mathematician who drinks too much?

A functioning alcoholic.

An alcoholic, a chain-smoker and a homosexual walk into a bar...

...and each sit at a bar stool. After a couple of drinks a psychic approaches them and tells each one of them how they were going to die.
He said to the alcoholic: "If you drink one more time, you are going to die."
He says to the chain-smoker "If you smoke one more time, you are going to die."
Finally he says to the homosexual "If you get turned on by a man one more time, you are going to die."
The psychic left right after leaving the 3 men baffled and confused.
"I call bull-shit! There's no way that's even possible!" exclaimed the alcoholic just as he took one big drink of his beer. He quickly collapsed and died right there on the bar floor. Both the homosexual and the chain-smoker were horrified as they realized that the psychic was right about his predictions. After taking their friend to the hospital they both leave and start walking to their car. Just then, the chain smoker spotted a full carton of cigarettes right outside of his car.
"Dude no way! Today's my lucky day!"
Just as the chain-smoker was about about to pick up the carton, the homosexual shouted:
"STOP! If you bend over to pick them up, we're both going to die."

What do you call an alcoholic Mormon?

An oxymormon

I'm a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I'm not pessimistic, I'm just a raging alcoholic.

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

A kid asks his dad what a alcoholic is

The dad says "you see those 2 trees? A alcoholic would see 4"

The kid replies with "but dad, there is only 1 tree"

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "You come here a lot; are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders this for a moment and says, "I don't think I am."
POOF! The horse disappears.

At this point, a psychology student would begin to snicker because he knows about the Descartes postulate, "I think therefore I am."

I could have told you about that at the beginning of the joke, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

Every night they pop open a cold one.

Alcoholics don't run in my family...

They stumble everywhere.

A young boy overhead his parents call his uncle an alcoholic...

Unfamiliar with the term, the young boy later on he asked his father, "Dad, what is an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and one to drink until the room spins.

An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,

And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for stupid questions."

What's the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

"Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

"Son, do you see those 4 trees? well, an alcoholic would see 8."

"But dad, i only see 2."

Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?

Because he couldn't stand up.

My wife called me an alcoholic, and I was so taken aback I spilled my drink...

But I was able to wring out the placemat back into the glass, so everything's ok!

I heard that if you drink every day, it means you're an alcoholic... now, I only drink at night...

I was an alcoholic for seven years.

Today marks my eighth.

A greedy man, a rapist, and an alcoholic...

A greedy man, a rapist, and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, rape, and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the rapist disappears.

21 years ago a man was born without a body...

He was only a head. Miraculously he survived his birth and lived 21 years of his life as just a head without a body.

On his 21st birthday his father decided he would take his son out for his first alcoholic beverage. They went to a bar together and the father asked the bartender for 2 cold beers.

He helped his son drink the first sip of the beer and suddenly his son grew a torso. He became very excited and took another sip from his beverage. This time he grew an arm. He kept on drinking his beer until he had gained every single part of his body.

The son became so excited that he started to jump up and down and dance in the middle of the bar. He ran out the door with his arms lifted towards the sky and danced in the streets. He then got hit by oncoming traffic and died.

Moral of the story: You should always stop while you're still a head.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes