Alcoholic Jokes
149 alcoholic jokes and hilarious alcoholic puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about alcoholic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best alcoholic roast jokes, alcoholic father jokes, alcoholic halloween jokes.
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Funniest Alcoholic Short Jokes
Short alcoholic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alcoholic humour may include short drinker jokes also.
- The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two." - A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake. - When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
- TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
- What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
- I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety. I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
- An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?" - Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy. Alcohol sales have never been higher.
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Alcoholic One Liners
Which alcoholic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alcoholic? I can suggest the ones about drunk and alcohol free.
- It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.
- Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.
- Alcohol is not always the answer… …but it's worth a shot.
- Doctor: You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol? Me: I drink it.
- I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.
- What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird
- I'm giving up alcohol for a month!!! Correction: I'm giving up! Alcohol for a month!!
- Why Did The Alcoholic comedian Quit Performing? He couldn't handle the boos.
- What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird
- Mario is a recovering alcoholic... haunted by the thought of Boos.
- What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city? Nadasaki
- I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health So i quit thinking.
- I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs, …drugs is where I draw the line.
- Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police? Drinking and deriving
- Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix So don't drink and derive
Alcoholic Drink Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcoholic drink jokes and even better alcoholic drink puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday Thank god I only drink every night
- I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday and Today.
- My daughter asked why I drink so much beer I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
- When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic.. When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.
- I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol I think I will quit reading soon.
- How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink? On a case-by-case basis.
- I'm not an alcoholic ... Alcoholic's need a drink, but I already have one
- My son said that he's proud of me overcoming alcoholism. I'll drink to that.
- Drinking alcohol is like calculus. You have to know your limits.
- Whats an alcoholic motorcycle's favorite drink? RUUUMrumrumrumrumrumrumRUMRUUUUMMMrumrumrum
Alcoholic Father Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcoholic father jokes and even better alcoholic father puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My father is a recovering alcoholic. I've never seen him this hungover.
- My unemployed alcoholic father has a brilliant legal mind. Unfortunately he's never passed a bar.
- My brother recently got married To celebrate, my mother decided to pull out a couple bottles from my late father's homemade alcohol collection.
That way he could be there in spirits - Keeping up with DC is like keeping up with my alcoholic father You hope it's going to get better, but it keeps beating you down
- Called my doctor about hearing loss, he asked me what were the symptoms. I told him it was a show on Fox about an abusive alcoholic father, but that's hardly relevant.
- Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!"
Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!"
Father: "But you have to start with something!"
Alcoholic Beverages Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcoholic beverages jokes and even better alcoholic beverages puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I recently got in trouble for bartering alcoholic beverages to quaint hotels. I was charged with Inn Cider trading.
- The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"
- I really don't have much of an opinion on alcoholic beverages during the holidays... You could say I'm pretty eggnogstic.
- I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise. When police asked me why I did it I couldn't give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.
- Thou shouldst never accepth a can containing an alcoholic beverage from this person Shakesbeer.
- What's Darth Maul's favourite alcoholic beverage? *Qui-Gon* Gin
- I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it. I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.
- What's the scariest alcoholic beverage? Malibooooooo
- what was the ancient romans favorite alcoholic beverage? sham-pagan
- What is a cat's favorite alcoholic beverage? Boxed wine, obviously.
You Know You Re An Alcoholic When Jokes
Here is a list of funny you know you re an alcoholic when jokes and even better you know you re an alcoholic when puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You know you're an alcoholic when... ...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.
- alcoholic alzheimer's anonymous. No one knows who they are, or what they're drinking.
- How do you know if you're an ugly girl? If you know what the drinks cost at a bar.
Uproarious Alcoholic Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about alcoholic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alcohol liver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alcoholic pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister
It tastes the same but it's just not right.
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
I'll see my self out......
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to h**....
Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to h**.... Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to h**.... Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to h**....
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"
is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
A genie says to an alcoholic drifter, "You have three wishes, what would you like for your first wish"?
Drifter: I would like a bottle of whiskey that is never empty
In a flash, the drifter is holding a bottle of whiskey.
He takes a few gulps from the bottle, and in a few seconds, the bottle is full again.
Genie: What would you like for your other two wishes?
Drifter: I'll have two more of these bottles please.
Me: "I want to divorce my wife." Lawyer: "On what grounds?" Me: "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar." Lawyer:"Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?"
Me: "No, she's looking for me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Egyptian alcoholics are the hardest to talk to.....
They are always in denial.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alcoholics don't run in my family...
They stumble around breaking things
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Soviet joke
People are waiting in a long line like to buy v**.... Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister.
It tastes the same but it's still wrong.
An alcoholic is sitting at a bar
He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
Why couldn't the alcoholic become a lawyer?
He just couldn't pass the bar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic t**...?
He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One time i was at a bar
A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family
i said "No but they stumble around and break s**..."
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?
Wine
How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?
Backwards.
I had an imaginary friend growing up...he was an alcoholic.
I called him Dad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia
Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
What do you call an alcoholic eating grapes?
Impatient.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...
It tastes the same but it just ain't right
My boss pulled me aside at work one day
And said you're a high functioning alcoholic, I asked him how he knew that I was also high
Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?
Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.
Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.
Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, t**....
All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.
Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...
but they couldn't get past the first two bars.
I'm currently a recovering alcoholic...
But I prefer the term "hungover."
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar
What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does non-alcoholic beer and going down on you cousin have in common?
Sure they taste the same, but it just ain't right.
I come from a long line of alcoholics.
My gene pool has a swim up bar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic...
A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, r**..., and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the r**... disappears.
Did you know that prostitutes at the Moulin Rouge used strong alcoholic drinks to bleach their hair?
Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.
I recently bought an alcoholic ginger beer
He wasn't pleased
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.
Oh is she an alcoholic?
No, I am, but she's the one who suffers.
What do a 45 year old pregnant alcoholic and ironman have in common?
Both have a little Downy Jr in them.
Where can you find alcoholic sheep?
At the BAAAAH
Why did the alcoholic tell bad jokes at the comedy club?
He did it for the boos.
Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?
He made all the spirits disappear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister
Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right...
How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?
Jack Denials
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm afraid my dog is an alcoholic.
She just can't seem to hold her l**....
My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer.
But he could never pass the bar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets pulled over for swerving
Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
*"I have no clue". The man replied.*
"Have you been drinking, sir?"
*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*
"Then what is that in your cup holder?"
"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"
"I thought you said you didn't drink any alcohol tonight?"
"*No, officer. I said I haven't had any "alcoholic drinks". All of my friends are alcoholics and not a single one of them drinks that s**...."*
OC
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst thing about alcoholics?
They wine too much.
What do you call a mathematician who drinks too much?
A functioning alcoholic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a glass is always half empty kinda guy.
I'm not pessimistic, I'm just a r**... alcoholic.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and one to drink until the room spins.
Is the life of an alcoholic worth living?
Well, it depends upon the liver.
Alcoholics don't run in my family...
They stumble everywhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some people have accused me of being an alcoholic...
I tell them that's absolutely not true! I'm a deadbeat drunk. Alcoholics go to those s**... meetings just to boast about how proud they are of being quitters!
Me and my first drink of the day have something in common
We are both alcoholic
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,
And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for s**... questions."
What's the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?
Pass the bar
Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?
Because he couldn't stand up.
I'm currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.
But to keep it short, I just tell people I'm in the NCAA.
"Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
"Son, do you see those 4 trees? well, an alcoholic would see 8."
"But dad, i only see 2."
My wife called me an alcoholic, and I was so taken aback I spilled my drink...
But I was able to wring out the placemat back into the glass, so everything's ok!
Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?
Best place to get Soba.
Why are all exorcists alcoholics?
Because they can't handle their spirits.
What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?
Amateur night!
What's an alcoholic's favourite thing about the night sky?
The moonshine
Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough
He spent most of my childhood in the bottle
I heard that if you drink every day, it means you're an alcoholic...
...so now, I only drink at night...
I was an alcoholic for seven years.
Today marks my eighth.
My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!
Would be one way to say he's an alcoholic.
