Alcohol Jokes
Following is our collection of alcoholism humor and caffeine one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Alcohol puns for adults, dirty booze jokes or clean intoxication gags for kids.
There is an abundance of drunken jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 63 funniest jokes on alcohol. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any flask witze you can hear about alcohol.
The Best jokes about Alcohol
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....
Alcohol IS a solution.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
A man gets pulled over by the police...
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m
...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!
Not consecutively, though.
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"
A libertarian walks into a bar. . .
The barman serves him tainted alcohol because there are no regulations.
He dies.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail
He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?"
Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.
Alcohol sales have never been higher.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
After the airplane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather let a dozen whores rape me than let alcohol touch my lips"
The Irishman then handed his drink back and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
I'll see my self out......
I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression.
Then I realized alcohol is a solution.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.
Tuesday, Thursday and Today.
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
My Dad Is A Magician
He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.
What does alcohol free beer taste like?
Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.
What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?
What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?
They both come off with alcohol.
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
A man walks into a Bar.
A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...
And that's just for the alcohol.
I'm giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn't come out right: I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.
It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.
The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
Alcoholics don't run in my family...
They stumble around breaking things
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
I'm okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
A weasel walks into a bar...
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
Wow I've never seen a weasel in my bar before! exclaims the bartender. What kind of alcohol would you like?
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It's on the house!
Pop. goes the weasel.
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
I'm giving up alcohol for a month!!!
Correction: I'm giving up! Alcohol for a month!!
When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic..
When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?
He couldn't handle the boos.
I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol...
But still.
What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature?
Tequila Mockingbird
What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?
Tequila Mockingbird
A state trooper pulls over a priest
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city?
Nadasaki
I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.
-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"
-"ok"
-"Drugs"
-"Addicted"
-"Alcohol"
-"Addicted"
-"What slapped you across the face last night? "
" Addicted"
A drunk man
A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!
An alcoholic is sitting at a bar
He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."
Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.
The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."
Husband's night out
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie...
It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.
I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic
But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic.
A priest is pulled over for speeding...
Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"
"just water," the priest replies.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped the patrolman.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".
Edited for u/littlekiing
Alcoholic Horse
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?
The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and poof he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A 15 year-old wants to go to a party.
"Will you drink any alcohol?" Asks his dad.
"No, dad."
"Will you use any drugs?"
"No, dad"
"Will you have sex?"
"No, dad"
"Then why would you even go?"
A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home
When the son comes home:
Dad - So you were at school right?
Son - yeah
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends
Dad - What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector - BEEP
Mom - Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector - BEEP
I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...
...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)
...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.
...50% alcohol.
...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.
...I don't like coffee.
...imported from micronesia.
...free, fresh and in the breakroom.
...huge and cheap with room for cream.
...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.
...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)
...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.
There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking…
The result was staggering…
Drunk lecture
A cop stops a drunk late at night and asks where he's going. " I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." Slurs the drunk. " Really? who's giving that lecture at one in the morning?" " My wife."
A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...
He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"
The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"
"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a virgin Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.
Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix
So don't drink and derive
According to Science
Alcohol is a solution.
I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol
I think I will quit reading soon.
How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?
On a case-by-case basis.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.