alaska Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious alaska puns

If I want to bang an Eskimo...

Alaska

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I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is.

Maybe Alaska.

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If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?

I dunno, Alaska.

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Ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska...

Shes been cold and distant.

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An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

Where were you on the night of October to April?

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I asked my dad where he thinks I should take my outdoor-loving girlfriend on vacation. He said Alaska.

It's been a month now and bastard still hasn't told me.

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What is a hooker in Alaska called?

A frostitute!

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I have a fetish for indigenous girls. Wanted to have sex with this girl in Alaska, but, unfortunately...

... She wasn't inuit.

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A man moves to Alaska......

A man moves to a small town in a remote part of Alaska, far removed from civilization. One of the first nights he's in town, he hits up the town bar, and the locals tell him to make sure he sticks around, as there'll be plenty of women around at midnight, and the guy's sure to get laid.

Midnight strikes, and all of the men leave the bar and cross the street to this field where there are a bunch of moose, and each of the locals starts fucking a moose. The man is repulsed by what he sees, heads back to his new house, and swears that he'll never stoop to anything so low.

Six months later, and the man is starting to lose it. He hasn't been laid in six months, and it's taking a toll on his sanity. Reluctantly, he decides he's going to do it - he's going to fuck a moose. So he heads down to the town bar as soon as it opens, and starts pounding drinks to make the whole ordeal easier.

Midnight strikes, and the man runs out the door, across the street, and starts going to town on a moose, fucking it harder than he's ever fucked any woman before in his life. The other men from the bar follow across the street, stop, and stare at the first man.

Frustrated, the man says, "What? What am I doing wrong?" One of the men pipes up and says, "Nothing, but that's a fucking ugly moose."

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Someone asked me what the largest state in the US is...

...I told them I don't know but I know a girl who might so Alaska.

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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident....

...An Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other, One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "Tomorrow, we're going to pull her up again!"

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Dopey asks the pope

The seven dwarfs go to the vatican and the pope gives them an audience. "Any questions?' Asks the Pope. After being nudged by the others, Dopey reluctantly raises his hands.

"Yes, Dopey?" the pope asks kindly

"Your holiness, are there any nuns in Alaska?"

"Of course there are"

Dopey says thanks, but the other dwarves keep gauding him to ask another question.

"Your holiness," says Dopey, "are there any black nuns in Alaska?"

"Er, I can't say for sure," says the pope, "But I can't see why not..."

The other dwarves carry on nudging Dopey so Dopey raises his
hand once more, "Your holiness, are there any black midget nuns in Alaska?"

The pope a little exasperated at this point, says, "You know what Dopey? I don't think there are any black midget nuns in Alaska."

The other six dwarks fall about laughing screeching: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!!".

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The meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

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The Brave Alaskan Pilot

One day there was a terrible blizzard in Alaska and a lone pilot radioed grown control to turn on their runway lights. Ground control radioed back saying that the pilot could not land there because the storm was too bad. The pilot radioed again and demanded they turned on the runway lights, but again ground control said that the storm was too bad and told the pilot to turn around and land somewhere else. The pilot radioed back and said, "I've already landed, I need the lights to guide me to the lodge!"

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska...

and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska, you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky from the counter and painfully chugging it down. He then says that he'll be right back and ambles out the door.

A few hours later he stumbles back into the bar all mangled and bloody and says, "I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"

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How do you know an Alaskan girl is enjoying sex?

She's really Inuit.

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A lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska...

So a lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska and it's been a while since he's been with a woman. So one day, he asks his boss what the other lumberjacks do for pleasure around here. He says "try the hole in the barrel out by the showers." So, the next day, the lumberjack is showering and he decides he'll try sticking his penis through the barrel hole and he goes back to his boss and says "thanks boss, i'll be using the barrel every day thanks to you!" his boss responds "well, every day besides monday." lumberjack responds "whys that?" boss responds "because monday is your day in the barrel"

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"What's the capital of Alaska?"

\- "Juneau".

\- "No, I don't, that's why I'm asking".

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So I was talking to my Australian friend when I asked him what country his Mother was from

"Alaska"

"Okay well tell me what she says"

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Difference between Ravens and Crows

I work in a gift-shop up in southeast Alaska. Our store is right under a tree that houses a family of angry crows. Tourists often ask me how I can tell the difference between ravens and crows. I tell them this:

"All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight in Alaska's thin, cold air. These feathers are called pinions. If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three. I guess you could say it's just a matter of a pinion."

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Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

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The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.

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My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska.

He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.

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My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear...

He's Bipolar..

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If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

I don't know but Alaska

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Difference Between Ravens and Crows

I work in a gift-shop up in southeast Alaska. Our store is right under a tree that houses a family of angry crows. Tourists often ask me how I can tell the difference between ravens and crows. I tell them this:

"All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight in Alaska's thin, cold air. These feathers are called pinions. If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three. I guess you could say it's just a matter of a pinion."

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Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

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How do Jamaica?

I don't know, Alaska

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If Mississippi went to Missouri for a New Jersey what did Delaware ?

Don't know, Alaska

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How do Russians drive to Alaska?

By bearing straight

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I went on a date with a woman from Alaska...

Things were going pretty well, and we sincerely enjoyed each others company. Then at the end of the night, I tried to give her an Eskimo kiss, but I guess she wasn't really Inuit.

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A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska.....

And during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else.

Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks "Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards?"

The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers "That's all you'll ever need here in the wild!"

Confused and growing concerned, the pilot asks "Don't....don't we need a gun, matches, fire starter, bullets and water to survive?"

The vet looks at him as replies "No man. If you ever crash, just pull out the deck of cards and start playing solitaire. Eventually someone will show up and tell you that you're playing it wrong."

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Hey man, where did Julie spend her vacation?

Alaska.


- No thats okay, I'll ask her myself

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What do you call a nudist beech in Alaska?

Frosted tips

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I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

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What are the most funny Alaska jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Alaska? Well, here are the best Alaska dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Alaska pick up lines to share with friends.

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