Alaska Jokes

Following is our collection of south humor and north one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Alaska puns for adults, dirty arctic jokes or clean aleutian gags for kids.

There is an abundance of tundra jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes on alaska. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any siberia witze you can hear about alaska.

The Best jokes about Alaska

If I want to bang an Eskimo...

Alaska

I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is.

Maybe Alaska.

If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?

I don't know but Alaska.

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?

I dunno, Alaska.

Ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska...

Shes been cold and distant.


An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

Where were you on the night of October to April?

What is a hooker in Alaska called?

A frostitute!

I have a fetish for indigenous girls. Wanted to have sex with this girl in Alaska, but, unfortunately...

... She wasn't inuit.

Someone asked me what the largest state in the US is...

...I told them I don't know but I know a girl who might so Alaska.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident....

...An Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other, One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "Tomorrow, we're going to pull her up again!"

The meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."


The Brave Alaskan Pilot

One day there was a terrible blizzard in Alaska and a lone pilot radioed grown control to turn on their runway lights. Ground control radioed back saying that the pilot could not land there because the storm was too bad. The pilot radioed again and demanded they turned on the runway lights, but again ground control said that the storm was too bad and told the pilot to turn around and land somewhere else. The pilot radioed back and said, "I've already landed, I need the lights to guide me to the lodge!"

How do you know an Alaskan girl is enjoying sex?

She's really Inuit.

Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

"What's the capital of Alaska?"

\- "Juneau".

\- "No, I don't, that's why I'm asking".

So I was talking to my Australian friend when I asked him what country his Mother was from

"Alaska"

"Okay well tell me what she says"

Difference between Ravens and Crows

I work in a gift-shop up in southeast Alaska. Our store is right under a tree that houses a family of angry crows. Tourists often ask me how I can tell the difference between ravens and crows. I tell them this:

"All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight in Alaska's thin, cold air. These feathers are called pinions. If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three. I guess you could say it's just a matter of a pinion."

My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska.

He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.

Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."


TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska but failed.

They couldn't get their Bering Strait.

The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.

My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear...

He's Bipolar..

If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

I don't know but Alaska

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

How do Jamaica?

I don't know, Alaska

If Mississippi went to Missouri for a New Jersey what did Delaware ?

Don't know, Alaska

How do Russians drive to Alaska?

By bearing straight

I went on a date with a woman from Alaska...

Things were going pretty well, and we sincerely enjoyed each others company. Then at the end of the night, I tried to give her an Eskimo kiss, but I guess she wasn't really Inuit.

A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska.....

And during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else.

Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks "Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards?"

The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers "That's all you'll ever need here in the wild!"

Confused and growing concerned, the pilot asks "Don't....don't we need a gun, matches, fire starter, bullets and water to survive?"

The vet looks at him as replies "No man. If you ever crash, just pull out the deck of cards and start playing solitaire. Eventually someone will show up and tell you that you're playing it wrong."

What do you call a nudist beech in Alaska?

Frosted tips

Hey man, where did Julie spend her vacation?

Alaska.


- No thats okay, I'll ask her myself

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

A guy driving through Alaska has car trouble.

He finds a garage in town, and the mechanic tells him he'll check out the car, and to go across the street to the diner and have lunch during the wait, because it will take about 30 minutes.

The guy goes to the diner, then back to the garage in a half hour, and asks the mechanic what's up.

Mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Guy wipes his mouth and says, "No - that was just the vanilla ice cream I had for dessert."

Why don't hipsters live in Alaska?

Everything is cool there already.

Jean's mom came home after visiting her hometown

Maggie: Hey, where did your mom come from?

Jean: Alaska

Maggie: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself

Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn't

She said she's just not that Inuit.

A blonde wanted to hang a map up in her room and put pins in everywhere she had been

After buying the map, she went to Japan. Then she went to Alaska. Then Antarctica. Then Australia. She finally went home and picked up her map.

"Now I can finally hang it up," she said.

An American and Canadian walk into a bakery

The American ordered some Baked Alaska. The Canadian, however, was having Nunavut.

My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

A guys car broke down in Alaska.

A mechanic came by to look at it and said "looks like you blew a seal" the guy replies "no thats just frost on my moustache"

On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.

He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.

I proudly told him about the small caliber pistol I had for protection.

The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"

A man went hunting in Alaska.

A man was hunting in Alaska when he found himself confronted by a small, agitated bear. In order to survive, he shot it. Feeling hungry, he decided to utilize it and cook dinner in the woods.

It was tasty, even though it was a little grizzly.

What do you get when all 50 states legalize marijuana?

Baked Alaska.

Car broke down in Alaska

When the tow truck arrived the driver said It appears you blew a seal

Guy said no, that's just mayonnaise, I ate a sandwich while waiting

People say Alaska sucks because it's all ice...

but I think it's a real solid state.

Being a bank guard in Alaska is tough...

Everyone wears ski masks

Why did the fisherman want to go fishing in Alaska?

Just for the halibut.

Culturally no one in alaska dates in the winter.

When asked why, one alaskan replied, "We try, but its hard to break the ice."

What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?

They're both cold and calculating.

Alaskan said to Texan: Stop bragging....

...about how big your state is, or we'll divide Alaska in half and make you the third largest state.

So I had to go to an eye doctor in Alaska

Turned out it was an optical Aleutian

Where do lesbians in Alaska go to meet up?

The Klondike Bar

The Czechoslovakian and the German

A Czech and a German entered into a contest. The point of the contest was to guess the right 7 numbers and win an all expense paid trip to Alaska to hunt a grizzly bear. The contest ended and it turns out the two men guessed the same winning numbers, so both got to go on the hunt.

After arriving in the camp and getting settled they decide to head out tomorrow with the guide to hunt the mighty bear. But the next day the guide is feeling under the weather so the two men decide to go out alone. After hiking through rugged mountains for hours they come into a clearing and see two bears, a male and a female. The German takes aim and pulls the trigger... "Click"! The all expense paid trip didn't come with ammo. The sound startled the bears and they charged. The Czech pulls his knife and rushes at the bears. The German tries to pull his pistol but stumbled backwards, hit his head, and fell into a river. When he comes to he sees the guide kneeling over him.

After being briefed on the situation they
decide to track the bears and save the Czech. They find the female bear chewing on a boot, the guide takes aim and... "Bang!", the bear is dead. The two men cut open the bear and her stomach is empty except for a few fish. The German utters the immortal words," The Czechs in the Male"

I asked the half-Eskimo kid why he wanted to leave Alaska...

He said he just wasn't that Inuit.

What do you call an eye doctor living in Alaska?

An optical Aleutian.

What is a Minnesotan's favorite state to vacation in?

It's Alaska, don'Juneau.

My friend asked what my wifes obsession with North America is all about

I'm not sure, but I said Alaska.

What did the Alaska Native's girlfriend say when she broke up with him?

*"I'm just not that Inuit."*

It gets cold in Alaska during the winter.

Juneau what I mean?

Did you hear about the Alaska native that didn't like fish?

Yeah, he just wasn't inuit.

What do you call an emotionally unstable animal who lives in alaska and vacations in antarctica?

A BIPOLAR BEAR

What do you call a stoner from Alaska?

A baked Alaskan.

Mississippi lent missouri her new jersey so what did delaware?

idaho but alaska

Where are all the news anchors in Alaska born

Anchorage

God i hate myself

A safari trip is a trip to the safari.

An Alaska trip is a trip to Alaska.

However, an acid trip is not a trip to acid. It's a trip to the safari in Alaska.

In light of their recent legalization of marijuana, I will now be referring to Canada as "baked Alaska"

If anyone wants to start a petition you have my full support.

Alaska doesn't exist

It was all an aleutian.

My friend asked me where my female friend lived yesterday...

So I said. "I don't know. Alaska."

You guys hear about that band from Alaska?

They are called New Block On the Kids.

What is the capital of Alaska?

Come on, Juneau this one!

Juneau what Juneau is the capital of? No?...

I guess Alaska professional!

What do John Cena and 4th of July fireworks in Alaska have in common?

Can't see 'em.

What do lesbians in Alaska sing?

What would you do ew ew in a Klondike bar.

What's the capital of Alaska?

Juneau?
Because I don't know?

What did Delaware?

Idaho. Alaska

If you call someone from Alaska an Alaskan, someone from Texas a Texan, and Iowa an Iowan; what do you call someone from Utah?

A Mormon

There once was...

... A man from Nebraska,
Wait I got that part wrong, it's Alaska.
I'm awful with States,
And I'm not good with dates;
And my punch lines are just a disaster.

I just realized Alaska has some really weird city names

Did Juneau that?

If Mississippi asked Missouri for her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

Idaho either, but Alaska!

I tried Alaskan food once.

But I wasn't that Inuit.

When I was visiting the islands in Alaska, I thought I saw an eye doctor wandering around...

It was just an optical Aleutian.

3 legged bear.....

There was a 3 legged bear in the woods, sad as it was he ran into a one legged bear from Alaska - he was the 3 legged bears polar opposite.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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