Alas Jokes

Following is our collection of pearly humor and revelation one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Alas puns for adults, dirty yea jokes or clean sultan gags for kids.

There is an abundance of yes jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 41 funniest jokes on alas. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any wether witze you can hear about alas.

The Best jokes about Alas

This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"

Alas, swine flu.

Two red blood cells met and fell in love

but alas, it was in vein.

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

Where were you on the night of October to April?

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."

Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a deepthroat professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"

The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.

The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."

"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"

"The peeling."

Together Again

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they're finally together.

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? The friend replied, I think he means her legs.


A young woman married and had 13 children

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7
more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving
woman who fulfilled his commandment to Go forth and multiply.

In his final eulogy, he noted, Thank you, Lord, they're finally together.

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, Do you think he means her first, second or third
husband?

The other mourner then replied, I think he means her legs.

A man sends ten puns to a friend in an effort to make him laugh.

Alas, no pun in ten did.

Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon flew away. For healing a demon the town denounced her and called her a heretic and decided he lynch her. As she was hanging the demon flew in and saved her. She asked Why did you save me he replied. I'm not just gonna leave you hanging!

Three men are on an airplane...

One of them has a knife, one has a gun, and the other has a bomb. The first guy with the knife, realizes that he cannot go through with hijacking the plane, so he throws the knife out the window.

The second guy, with the gun, also decides that he cannot go through with hijacking the plane, and throws his gun out the window.

Alas, the third guy also makes this decision, and throws the bomb out of the window.

Their plane lands sometime later and they decide to grab a drink at the bar. Upon walking up to a bar they notice everyone is gathered around the tv, watching intently. It shows 3 children...

"what happened?" the men ask the fellow patrons.

"shh, just watch"

On TV:

Reporter: "Son, why are you crying?"

Kid 1: "My daddy got stabbed by a knife from the sky!!!"

The man that threw the knife out realizes that it was his knife and feels horrible...

Reporter: "Little girl, why are you crying?"

Kid 2: "My daddy got shot from a gun falling from the sky!!!"

The man that threw the gun out realizes that it was his gun and feels horrible...

Reporter talking to the final child: "Kid, why are you... laughing?"

Kid 3: "My daddy farted and the house blew up!!!!"

A religious blonde is going bankrupt...

She prays to God to win the lottery, so she wouldn't have to sell her car to make it through the week, but alas she doesn't. Next week she prays again to win the lottery, so she doesn't have to sell her house but again she doesn't win the lottery. Having nothing left she prays to win the lottery the third week and again doesn't win. So she starts asking God why he doesn't help her, why he left her to sell her car, her house. Just as she's about to lose her faith God appears and says "My dear child, I truly want to help you through these difficult times. But, to win the lottery you have to play"

There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones,

But alas it twas in vein.


How do you know an Alaskan girl is enjoying sex?

She's really Inuit.

I think me life is like the Truman Show.

I was tryin' ta figure out what type a genre show it be.

I thought, "It might be a drama," but me life isn't sad enough.

I thought, "It might be an action tale," but alas, 'tis too boring.

"Then, perhaps, it be a comedy," I thought, but me life isn't funny, so I cast that idea overboard.

"Well," I thought, "it might be British."

Alas Fluffy, we knew him well.

I found my German Shepherd with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asked me, " Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage.

There are some real sick people out there!"

Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

The Trids and the Giant

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.

The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community's minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant's past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

A priest was going to meet a parishioner for lunch

As he was getting ready to leave, he noticed he had forgotten to put on his white priest's collar. He looked and looked, but alas, couldn't find one. He asked another priest, "Do you have a collar I can borrow? One of the parishioners asked me if I could meet up for lunch to discuss some problems."

The other priest says, "Sure, no problem. Happens to everyone - a lay date and a collar short."

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain is that Ireland has at least one half of one brown cow."


What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?

They're both cold and calculating.

Alaskan said to Texan: Stop bragging....

...about how big your state is, or we'll divide Alaska in half and make you the third largest state.

Four Men Are In A Rowboat...

They're fishing and after a couple hours without success, they all decide it's time for a smoke. They pull out their packs, but alas, no one has anything to light the cigarettes with.

That's when they throw one of their cigarettes over board.

Now the boat is a cigarette lighter.

What did the Alaska Native's girlfriend say when she broke up with him?

*"I'm just not that Inuit."*

Two Mothers Are Sitting Together At An Outdoor Café In Baghdad...

**Mother 1**: [*pulls out picture from purse*] "This is my son Abdullah. He would have been 25 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."

**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes I remember when he lost his first tooth..."

[*sighs*]

**Mother 1**: [*pulls out another picture*] "This is my son Hussein. He would have been 22 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."

**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes. I remember when he took his first steps..."

[*deep sigh*]

**Mother 1**: [*pulls out yet another picture*] "This is my son Muhammed. He would have been 18 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."

**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes. I remember when he was born..."

[*deepest sigh*]

"You know, they blow up so fast!"

I really wish I could diminish my allergies..

Like, punch a hole right through them. Alas, I don't have any experience putting holes in things.

If only I had Benadryl.

My Job Interview.

I was interviewed today by a Far East Sultan to be a eunuch to guard his harem of 365 women.

Alas, the Sultan told me I wasn't cut out for the job.

A spinoff of Zootopia would have lampooned any people from a certain fandom who drew NSFW pictures of the two leads and shipped them.

Alas, *Furry Vengeance* was already taken.

Alaska doesn't exist

It was all an aleutian.

Exhausted, we'd been sailing for mainland Alaska for days when I was sure we spotted it ...

Alas, it was just an Aleutian

Why did the Alaskans start listening to Native American folk music?

No one really knows, they're just really Inuit.

A Rabbi is giving a eulogy...

And it comes to the point in the service where he is supposed to extol the virtues of the deceased.

Rabbi: "Alas, I did not know this man, I am new here. Would anyone care to speak on his behalf?"

Silence through the crowd.

A voice from the back calls out:

"His brother was worse!"

I tried Alaskan food once.

But I wasn't that Inuit.

I racked my brain and searched far and wide because I wanted to post a really great chemistry joke.

Alas, all of the good jokes argon.

This one time someone asked me to tell them a pun.

They wanted to have a good laugh, hopefully.

So i searched and thought of 10 puns for them, and told them each one.

But alas, no pun in ten did.

(Sigh) How I miss those good old days...

Alas, my good old days of "morning wood" have been replaced by "morning wouldn't."

"Suppose you were Ellen Pao and a German Dictator, but alas, I repeat myself"

An angry mom once told me that she'd get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly.

Alas, swine flu.

Alaska legalized Marijuana...

It seems as if the national food for all Marijuana enthusiasts will become the Baked Alaska.

How do you get an Alaskan flat tire?

When the husky falls over

This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?

What do Alaskans say when they meditate?

NOOOOOOOOOOME

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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