Alarm Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Alarm puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Alarm

My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...

...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!

If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

Do you have something against black people?!?!!?

Yes, an alarm system.

I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!"

That ought to wake people up.

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.

Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I have never felt safer.

I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said 'dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!'

I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said 'hey bro, you're on fire tonight!'

I gave them a wink and some goodbye guns and continued towards the queue of people waiting for a beverage.

It's at that point that the fire alarm and sprinklers go off and everybody is immediately evacuated from the disco.

Typical, I thought.

Just as I was about to get to the punch line.

We had a fire drill at the sperm bank today...

But everyone gathered in the car park before the alarm went of, it was a premature evacuation

I raised the alarm at work today...


The midgets were furious.

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a handjob."

The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''

Wife : ''Who's Paula?''

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are walking down a hallway...

when they notice with alarm that a fire has broken out in a nearby lab.

The physicist immediately shouts "I know what to do! We must cool down the mateΒ­riΒ­als until their temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture is lower than the igniΒ­tion temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture and then the fire will go out."

The chemist then cries "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supΒ­ply of oxyΒ­gen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

The statistician looks around, thinks for a minute, then sets the rest of the building on fire.

The physicist and the chemist look on in horror and yell, "what are you doing?!"

The statistician replies "getting a bigger sample size".

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two hours. So he fixed himself a nice breakfast and drove happily to work, in plenty of time for the start of the work day.

When he got there, he said, "Boss, that pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

His boss said, "That's great, but where were you yesterday?"

Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

Why did the blonde burn to death?

She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.

A teenage boy is like an alarm clock

Comes in handy once a day

How do you know you're getting old?

When you exit a museum, you trigger the alarm.

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size.

Just saved 50 bucks!

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!

For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She's in for a rude awakening.

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, Hey!


The horse says, You read my mind, buddy.

I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

A man and his wife had a fight...

They decided to give each other silence for a while. The man's alarm clock had broken down a couple of days ago, so when he had to get up at 5:00 AM to catch his flight for a business trip, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Can you please wake me up at 5:00?", and laid it on his wife's beddrawer before he went to sleep.

The next morning he woke up, and he was shocked to see it had already been 9:00 AM, and therefore he had missed his flight. He was just about to go ask his wife why she hadn't woken him up, when he found a piece of paper on his beddrawer with the text: "It's 5:00 AM, wake up".

What's worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?

Not waking up to pee.

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

I just had a terrible dream. In a dystopian future, robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Good thing my alarm woke me up.

Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre. Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365. My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all. I've never felt safer.

while at sea, the captain of a pirate ship saw an enemy ship approaching

"quick!" he shouted to his first mate. "fetch me my red shirt, so if i am struck they won't see me bleeding!" the first mate complied, and the captain prepared for battle.

after a long fight, the enemy ship retreated and the pirates basked in their victory. just then, the first mate called out in alarm, "we must end our celebration, captain; i see *ten* enemy ships approaching." the captain replied, "fetch me my brown pants."

What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken?

One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.

Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".

Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.

Congratulations to my wife!

who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbors' smoke alarm!

So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

A guy walks into a bar...

... sits down next to an older man and downs his drink. The older man looks up at him with a sad look on his face, the younger man says, "Sorry, I just really need to get something in my system, I'll buy you another one."

The older man replies, "No, it's fine, I just had a really bad day."

"You want to tell me about it?"

"Well, I forgot to set my alarm, so I woke up late for work. When I got there, my boss fired me on the spot. When I was walking back to my car, someone totaled it an drove off. I got a taxi and went home. After I got out of the taxi, I realized I had left my wallet in the back seat and the driver just drove off. I walked in the door to find my wife with another man. I tried to contact a few friends to ask if I could stay with them for a few days, but it turns out none of them like me. So I came here, and just as I decide I'm going to end it all, you come in and drink my poison."

A village of mathematical functions is slumbering

when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential operator calmly replies: but I am d over dt, and proceeds to swallow the poor exponential.

I have an alarm in the mornimg

But it's to tell me to go to sleep.

I've just had to take the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and I was starting to feel sick and dizzy

Daaaaamn girl! You're like a fire alarm!

Really loud and annoying!

I slept through the alarm this morning

Luckily it wasn't a big fire

The alarm went off when I was trying to have sex...

I was Clock-Blocked

I was sick of my alarm clock so I bought a rooster...

But now I'm starting to think I got a gay rooster. Instead of saying "cock-a-doodle-doo" in the morning, he says "any-cockle-doo"

I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

I left 10 minutes before the fire alarm went off..

I now suffer from premature evacuation.

What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...

I see there's a popular trend of translating foreign jokes in the sub, so here's a one from Hebrew.

What do you call 10 Moroccan Jews on a roof top?

An alarm system.

Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

'Cause you get triggered from the smallest of things

Rumour...

I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock.

It's a false alarm.

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.

The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed.

The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire.

"Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.


*Alternate ending*

Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket.

"Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed.

A man's wife is in the hospital.

The doctor come into the room and says "Sir your wife is very ill and I'm afraid there isn't much we can do for her at this time." The man looks very distraught so the doctor adds in a quieter voice "look there is some anecdotal evidence that oral sex can be beneficial to people with your wife's condition, you could try that." The doctor leaves the room and 5 minutes later the cardiac arrest alarm starts going off.

The doctor rushes back into the room and exclaims "what happened?!" The husband says "I don't know, I guess she choked."

What do you call an alarm that's been muted?

Clock blocked

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer?

An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed.

The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. This time the physicist is the only one home. The physicist gets out of bed and sees the fire. He looks at the wall and sees a fire extinguisher. He then goes back to bed happy knowing that a solution exists.

Doctor, my girlfriend grinds her teeth while sleeping.

Dr: Put some coffee beans in her mouth and set the alarm for 7:30am

My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...

It just went off on me

LPT: How to last longer in bed

Don't set an alarm.

What is the worst kind of alarm clock?

The rumble strips.

Got up in the middle of the night, and couldn't find my alarm clock

Checked the time on my cell phone, it was 4:04. Made sense.

Try this one trick to last longer in bed!

Throw out your alarm clock.

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

Why does my 4 year old son trigger my cars seat belt alarm but my 30 pack of beer doesn't?

Because I buckle up my beer.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes