Laughter Alarm Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!"
That ought to wake people up.
I left 10 minutes before the fire alarm went off..
I now suffer from p**... evacuation.
I raised the alarm at work today...
The midgets were furious.
How do you know you're getting old?
When you exit a museum, you trigger the alarm.
I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause
it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
Do you have something against black people?!?!!?
Yes, an alarm system.
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
Just saved 50 bucks!
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!
Doctor, my girlfriend grinds her teeth while sleeping.
Dr: Put some coffee beans in her mouth and set the alarm for 7:30am
I slept through the alarm this morning
Luckily it wasn't a big fire
How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?
She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.
Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.
You can explore alarm buzzer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean alarm dispatcher dad jokes. There are also alarm puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...
"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"
What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken?
One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.
An pakistani in the US fears for his safety
Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.
Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.
We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-a**... neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!
What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?
You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...
Daaaaamn girl! You're like a fire alarm!
Really loud and annoying!
I invented a SJW alarm clock.
It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.
I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...
I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.
My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...
It just went off on me
Rumour...
I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock.
It's a false alarm.
I've just had to take the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide alarm
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and I was starting to feel sick and dizzy
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...
...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .
That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!
Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?
'Cause you get triggered from the smallest of things
Why did the emo s**... an alarm clock?
So he could wake up inside.
Justin Bieber....
I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...
But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!
Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.
My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".
Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.
A village of mathematical functions is slumbering
when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential operator calmly replies: but I am d over dt, and proceeds to s**... the poor exponential.
Why did the blonde burn to death?
She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.
LPT: How to last longer in bed
Don't set an alarm.
My girlfriend's such a bad cook,
she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night
It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.
You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.
I love you, alarm clock.
What do you call an alarm that's been muted?
Clock blocked
I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire
Spoiler alert
Congratulations to my wife!
who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbors' smoke alarm!
A teenage boy is like an alarm clock
Comes in handy once a day
We had a fire drill at the s**... bank today...
But everyone gathered in the car park before the alarm went of, it was a p**... evacuation
Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but
. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''
Wife : ''Who's Paula?''
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today
The loud beeping was giving me a headache.
I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....
It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.
If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...
Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
I was sick of my alarm clock so I bought a rooster...
But now I'm starting to think I got a gay rooster. Instead of saying "c**...-a-doodle-doo" in the morning, he says "any-cockle-doo"
What's worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?
Not waking up to pee.
Try this one trick to last longer in bed!
Throw out your alarm clock.
I live in constant fear
I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.
I just had a terrible dream. In a dystopian future, robots controlled every aspect of our lives.
Good thing my alarm woke me up.
I ate five alarm chili last night...
...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
A horse walks into a bar.
The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, Hey!
The horse says, You read my mind, buddy.
The alarm went off when I was trying to have s**......
I was Clock-Blocked
For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She's in for a rude awakening.
I have an alarm in the mornimg
But it's to tell me to go to sleep.
I see there's a popular trend of translating foreign jokes in the sub, so here's a one from Hebrew.
What do you call 10 Moroccan Jews on a roof top?
An alarm system.
For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.
She's in for a rude awakening.
What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush?
The alarm clock
My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".
I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.
I set Blur's Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week...
Except for Wednesdays, when I'm rudely awakened by the dustman.
How do you trip an alarm?
It doesn't have any feet.
For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.
She's in for a rude awakening.
I was making a meal for a family dinner
But I accidentally burnt the food
When my family came to eat they said it was terrible
And I replied At least the fire alarm thought it was fire
I bought my wife a alarm clock which abuses you instead of ringing bells.
She's in for a rude awakening.
Dear Humans,
You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.
Sincerely,
Confused alarm clock.
Wanna last longer in bed?
Forget to set an alarm
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.
He's in for a rude awakening.
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
I just got back from the annual alarm clock convention, and I'm never going again
It was a total snooze-fest
I had to remove the batteries from my monoxide alarm
The loud beeping was giving me a terrible headache and making me dizzy
My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I used to put my phone under my pillow so I could feel the alarm
Now I just put it in my pants. I've never woken up happier
This is a conspiracy by Big Alarm Clock
wake up people
A man parks a beat up, rusty Plymouth right in front of the Capitol. One of the guards walks up to him and says: "Sir, please move this vehicle. This is the Capitol Hill, congressmen, senators and even the President frequent this area."
The Plymouth driver replies "I ain't scared, I got an alarm!"
I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...
...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".
