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Alarm Jokes

162 alarm jokes and hilarious alarm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about alarm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Feel like waking up early in the morning? Check out these hilarious alarm jokes that will have you buzzing right out of bed! We've got jokes about fire alarms, smoke alarms, home security alarms, annoying iphone alarms, false alarms and more! Get ready for some funny takes on how best to monitor your wake-up schedule!

Funniest Alarm Short Jokes

Short alarm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The alarm humour may include short alert jokes also.

  1. I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
  2. Dear Humans, You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.
    Sincerely,
    Confused alarm clock.
  3. I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today The loud beeping was giving me a headache.
  4. Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.
  5. They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
  6. I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato... ...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".
  7. My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
  8. I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm... ...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
  9. I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.
  10. I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm.... It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

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Alarm One Liners

Which alarm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with alarm? I can suggest the ones about anger and alley.

  1. My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
  2. If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22... Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
  3. I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert
  4. Do you have something against black people?!?!!? Yes, an alarm system.
  5. I raised the alarm at work today...
    The midgets were furious.
  6. I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
  7. How do you know you're getting old? When you exit a museum, you trigger the alarm.
  8. Why did the blonde burn to death? She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.
  9. A teenage boy is like an alarm clock Comes in handy once a day
  10. I got a job installing security systems... I find it pretty alarming
  11. Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm
  12. "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!" "That's alarming!"
  13. What do bees and celebrities have in common? They're both dying at an alarming rate.
  14. Imagine if clocks would hit you back in the morning. That would be truly alarming.
  15. I have an alarm in the mornimg But it's to tell me to go to sleep.

Alarm Clock Jokes

Here is a list of funny alarm clock jokes and even better alarm clock puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.
  • I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!" That ought to wake people up.
  • For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
  • Justin Bieber.... I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
  • How to fall out of love with an ex-girlfriend? Set her voice as your alarm-clock ringtone.
  • I just got back from the annual alarm clock convention, and I'm never going again It was a total snooze-fest
  • What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush? The alarm clock
  • For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
  • For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing. She's in for a rude awakening.
  • How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock? She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.
    Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

Fire Alarm Jokes

Here is a list of funny fire alarm jokes and even better fire alarm puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"... So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.
  • I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the food
    When my family came to eat they said it was terrible
    And I replied At least the fire alarm thought it was fire
  • Daaaaamn girl! You're like a fire alarm! Really loud and annoying!
  • I slept through the alarm this morning Luckily it wasn't a big fire
  • Hey girl, are you a fire alarm? 'Cause you get triggered from the smallest of things
  • I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off But for some reason people call me pyromaniac
  • The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm. I don't think the fire alarm was a drill.
  • hey baby are you a fire alarm? because i'll only pay attention to you in an emergency
  • What is Julian Assange's biggest fear? Having the fire alarm go off.
  • I did a Fire Marshall course at work today Got one of test questions wrong, apparently the steps you take when hearing the fire alarm aren't great big ones.......
Alarm joke, I did a Fire Marshall course at work today

Smoke Alarm Jokes

Here is a list of funny smoke alarm jokes and even better smoke alarm puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
  • My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response". I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.
  • Congratulations to my wife! who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbors' smoke alarm!
  • My wife's cooking is so bad... She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
  • My cooking is so awesome... ...even my smoke alarm cheers me on!
  • Some people need to check their smoke alarms once a month. Those people are probably better cooks than me.
  • Today Australia has a new Prime Minister So it must be time to change the batteries in your smoke alarm
  • My fire alarm keeps going off. I think it's because my girlfriend keeps coming in.
    She is smoking hot.
  • Yo momma is so n**... when she farts the smoke alarm goes off.

Security Alarm Jokes

Here is a list of funny security alarm jokes and even better security alarm puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the husband who found that his wife had run off with the man who installed their security system? He became quite alarmed
  • I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
  • How much does Nicki Minaj sell security devices for? Pound an alarm
Alarm joke, How much does Nicki Minaj sell security devices for?

Laughter Alarm Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about alarm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean armor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make alarm pranks.

I left 10 minutes before the fire alarm went off..

I now suffer from p**... evacuation.

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

Just saved 50 bucks!

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!

He was just sitting there, cleaning his teeth

At work today all of a sudden this bell started going off and everyone was panicking because we thought something bad was gonna happen. Well, o**... who had been working there for a while was just sitting around cleaning his teeth, so i asked him what's up and he says, "oh don't worry about that it's a floss alarm".

Doctor, my girlfriend grinds her teeth while sleeping.

Dr: Put some coffee beans in her mouth and set the alarm for 7:30am

I bought a fancy new clock radio today.

It cost me alarm and a leg.

Why do some goats scream like humans?

They evolved this way to have a h**... r**... alarm.

So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken?

One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.

Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-a**... neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!

Fight with Alarm Clock

Had a fight with my alarm clock, i refused to wake up, things got voilent. Now its broken and i am awake don't know who won.

What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...

Why did the s**... bomber not show up to work?

He got mad at the wrong alarm clock.

I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

You know you're a r**... when

You set an alarm to go off in 18 years right when your cousin is born

My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...

It just went off on me

Rumour...

I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock.
It's a false alarm.

I've just had to take the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and I was starting to feel sick and dizzy

What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with?

An alarm, you pervert!

Why does my 4 year old son trigger my cars seat belt alarm but my 30 pack of beer doesn't?

Because I buckle up my beer.

I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

[LPT] Choose the song you hate the most as your alarm tone and place your phone as far as possible

Then turn your phone off and sleep like a champion.

Dude: "Hey Alexa, set a daily alarm for 420pm"

Alexa: "Police car dispatched"

Why did the emo s**... an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

why do police always have star wars alarm clocks?

for when the force awakens

Have you heard about Trumps revision of Obama phones?

You'll be able to trade them in for a alarm clock and job application.

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you

Got up in the middle of the night, and couldn't find my alarm clock

Checked the time on my cell phone, it was 4:04. Made sense.

My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".

Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.

A village of mathematical functions is slumbering

when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential operator calmly replies: but I am d over dt, and proceeds to s**... the poor exponential.

LPT: How to last longer in bed

Don't set an alarm.

People told me to get a carbon monoxide alarm....

But all it's doing is beeping and giving me a headache

I was an hour late for work

I told them that Russia hacked my alarm clock and now I still have a job for the next two years while my boss
appoints a special investigation to look into it :)

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

What do you call an alarm that's been muted?

Clock blocked

Was having an argument with my wife.

Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

A man got up one morning and couldn't find his alarm clock, so he asked his wife what had become of it.

She said, "It went off at 6 o'clock.

We had a fire drill at the s**... bank today...

But everyone gathered in the car park before the alarm went of, it was a p**... evacuation

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''
Wife : ''Who's Paula?''

My friend spent £50 on a baby alarm

... and still got pregnant.

What is the worst kind of alarm clock?

The rumble strips.

I was sick of my alarm clock so I bought a rooster...

But now I'm starting to think I got a gay rooster. Instead of saying "c**...-a-doodle-doo" in the morning, he says "any-cockle-doo"

I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.

What's worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?

Not waking up to pee.

How does someone without an alarm clock in Chicago wake up in the morning?

Police sirens

Try this one trick to last longer in bed!

Throw out your alarm clock.

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it p**... evacuation.

My wife always complains I buy c**... Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette's Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.

I've recently taken a course on alarm clocks, but unfortunately I flunked it.

I overslept and missed the exam.

I just had a terrible dream. In a dystopian future, robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Good thing my alarm woke me up.

Alarm joke, I just had a terrible dream. In a dystopian future, robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

jokes about alarm