alarm Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious alarm puns

Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock... were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up


Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Because shut the fuck up.


My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.


I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.


They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!


I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...

...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.


I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.


Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.


You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.


Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!


If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.


I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.


Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you're fucking annoying.


I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.


I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert


Halloween at a Hospital.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."


Do you have something against black people?!?!!?

Yes, an alarm system.


I'm inventing an alarm clock. When it goes off, it shouts, "9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!"

That ought to wake people up.


A catholic priest, a lawyer, and a doctor visit a hotel...

... and they're all sitting in a meeting in one of the conference room. Suddenly the fire alarm goes off, and they can smell smoke soon after. The doctor says "Save the children!", to which the lawyer responds "Fuck the children!". The priest replies "Yes, but do we have time?"


An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.

Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I have never felt safer.


We had a fire drill at the sperm bank today...

But everyone gathered in the car park before the alarm went of, it was a premature evacuation


I raised the alarm at work today...

The midgets were furious.


Babe, are you a car alarm?

Because you're loud, annoying as fuck and I accidentally turn you on.


Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a handjob."

The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."


Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''

Wife : ''Who's Paula?''


Prostate Exam

A man goes to his doctor for his prostate exam. The doctor gets his glove and starts doing his thing, when suddenly, he finds a Β£50 note! The doctor keeps searching and finds a large amount of notes and coins at different amounts. After he's sure he got everything out, he counts it all up.

Doctor : *I don't want to alarm you, but I just pulled Β£1999.99 out of your ass! Have you any idea why or how this happened?*

Patient : *I guess I'm just not feeling* ***too grand***.


A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are walking down a hallway...

when they notice with alarm that a fire has broken out in a nearby lab.

The physicist immediately shouts "I know what to do! We must cool down the mateΒ­riΒ­als until their temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture is lower than the igniΒ­tion temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture and then the fire will go out."

The chemist then cries "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supΒ­ply of oxyΒ­gen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

The statistician looks around, thinks for a minute, then sets the rest of the building on fire.

The physicist and the chemist look on in horror and yell, "what are you doing?!"

The statistician replies "getting a bigger sample size".


Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two hours. So he fixed himself a nice breakfast and drove happily to work, in plenty of time for the start of the work day.

When he got there, he said, "Boss, that pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

His boss said, "That's great, but where were you yesterday?"


Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.


I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.


Why did the blonde burn to death?

She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.


A teenage boy is like an alarm clock

Comes in handy once a day


How do you know you're getting old?

When you exit a museum, you trigger the alarm.


Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size.


I just took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a raging headache and was making me feel sick and dizzy


What are the best Alarm puns ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Alarm? Well, here are the best Alarm dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Alarm pick up lines to share with friends.

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