Following is our collection of pews humor and stairwell one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Aisle puns for adults, dirty greeter jokes or clean staircase gags for kids.
There is an abundance of trays jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 80 funniest jokes on aisle. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hallway witze you can hear about aisle.
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
Aisle B, back.
the cashier says "yes, second aisle to the left. You wanna buy some?"
the woman says
"No, but would you mind if I wait here until someone else does"
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."
Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have sex right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.
The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!
The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat.
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, all right buddy what's your name?
Fred, the cowboy moaned.
Where ya from, Fred? asked the Ranger..
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, the balcony…
...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".
A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the condom aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.
The father says, Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.
The boy asks, Who are the six packs for?
The father responds, those are for college students. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.
The boy responds, Ooo! What are the twelve packs for then?
The father sighs and says, Those... are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...
And he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in the aisle. He gets excited as he realizes she is coming to sit down in the seat beside him.
The most beautiful woman he's ever seen is coming to sit down beside him!
Once the woman sits they wait in silence for a moment before beginning to have some small talk.
"Hello..." the man uttered.
"Hi there! I'm Mary Jameson. Nice to meet you. I'm a sexologist."
The man was bewildered by her willingness to let him know her profession.
"Well..." the man said, "what does a... sexologist do?"
"I study the science of sex."
Ecstatic, the man couldn't help but ask for more.
"Such as?"
"Well, for starters," the woman began, "it's a common misconception that black men are the best at what they do. It's actually the Native Americans such as the Cherokee or the Sioux."
"I see" said the man, anxious for more, "anything else?"
"Another mistake people make is thinking the French are the best lovers. It's actually the Irish who are the most intimate." The woman paused. "Oh how rude of me, I've been talking to you and I haven't bothered to ask your name!"
The man outstretched his arm and replied...
"The name's Tanto. Tanto O'Sullivan."
A man walks up and says mind if I say a word?
She responds yes.
The man walks up to the podium and says Plethora
As he's walking back down the aisle, the woman stops him and says thanks, that means a lot
She knows she's given her last blow job.
His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.
--------------------------------------------
From Mark Z. Danielewski's "House of Leaves".
When it's over, she asks her mother, 'Why did the lady change her mind?'
'What do you mean?' asks mother.
'Well,' replies Mary.
'She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.
They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into her purse.
After they leave the store a police officer stops them, informing her she was seen stealing the peaches on video. When she gets to court to answer for her crime the judge says, "this kind of petty theft is unacceptable and becoming more common. I'm afraid I need to make a lesson of you." He looks at her carefully. "How many peaches are in the can you stole?"
"Seven" she replied.
"Very well. I am sentencing you to seven days in jail."
Just then the husband piped up. "Uh, your honor?"
"Yes?"
"I should probably tell you she also stole a can of peas."
The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive.
The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.
Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little shit's name is Kevin."
"Ugh," said the bus driver. "That is the *ugliest* baby I have ever seen." Furious, the woman stormed down the aisle and took a seat.
"What's wrong, lady?" Asked the man next to her.
"That driver just insulted me!"
"Well you go up there and you tell him off! Here - I'll hold your monkey."
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
A man gets on a plane with six children. A woman leans across the aisle and asks "Are all those children yours?" He answers, "No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
A customer asks, "In what aisle will I find the Ukrainian sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Ukrainian?"
The guy says, "Yes I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "So why did you ask me if I'm Ukrainian?"
The clerk says, "You're in Home Depot."
chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation
A woman stepped onto a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed her agitation and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's exactly what you should do," the man said. "Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
As they walk past the family planning aisle, the son points to the condoms and asks "Dad, what are those?"
The father realizes his son is old enough to learn about such things, so he tells him "Well, those are called condoms. Men use them when they have sex to be safe and not get girls pregnant."
"Okay." the son responds. "Who are those for?" he asks while pointing at the 3 pack.
"Those" the father replies, "are for men in high school: One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night"
"What about those?" the son asks pointing to the 6 pack.
"Those are for college aged men: Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday?" the father responds.
"And what about those?" the son asks pointing to the 12 pack.
With an air of confidence, the father looks up and says "Those, son, are for married men: One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Trying to decide which side of the aisle to sit on.
A beautiful woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, Do you have extra large condoms?
The pharmacist replies, Yes, aisle 11. The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms.
The pharmacist calls over to her, Do you need some help?
The woman replies, No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some.
A lady and her baby walks onto a bus. The bus driver exclaims "wow that's one ugly baby!" The mother storms down the aisle and takes a seat next to a man. The man tells her "the bus driver should not have said that to you! You march right up to him and speak your mind while I hold your monkey!"
Goodwill clothes aisle
Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...
Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their seats. The pilots went into the cockpit and shut the door behind them. The engines started up, and everything seemed to be going as planned, so the passengers went back to their magazines and forgot about the two blind pilots in the cockpit.
As the plane roared down the runway getting closer and closer to the water at the end, the passengers quickly became worried and started to scream and yell out. With that, the plane lifted smoothly off the ground and into the air. The passengers again went back to their magazines and in the cockpit, the pilot says to the co-pilot: "One day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price..'
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,"Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and granddad says again in a very controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five short minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little brat's name is Kevin."
They are sitting on a train together when both groups spot the train's ticket collector coming down the aisle. Quickly two of the engineers scuttle into the washroom, leaving the mathematicians confused. After the collector stamps all the mathematicians tickets he approaches the washroom and knocks.
"Ticket please"
A ticket slides under the door, and is stamped by the collector and returned.
"Thank you!" replies the collector.
Both groups then enjoy lots of nerdy things at the conference.
On the way home the mathematicians had learned the engineers trick. As the train pulls away the mathematicians all hide in the washroom, using the scam they had seen the engineers pull on the way there.
One engineer stands up and then knocks on the washroom declaring "Ticket please!" After which the mathematicians slides his ticket under the door.
The mathematicians pile out of the washroom and return to their seats with a grin on their faces.
Soon after the ticket collector enters the car, at which time all the engineers cram themselves into the washroom.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?
Aisle B, Back.
Me: Hi, are these carrots genetically modified?
Clerk: No, why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?
His wife says: you don't need that. Put that back.
The husband says: Yes, dear, and puts the case of beer back on the shelf.
Later, the wife picks up a container from the cosmetics aisle and puts it in the cart.
What is this? The husband asks.
It's face cream. I wear it so I can look pretty for you.
How much is it? The husband asks.
$25, she replies.
The husband says: The beer was only six bucks, and it would have done the exact same thing.
...and is going down the aisle. Everyone in the church, the minister included, stops to turn and watch her take a seat in the front row.
Just as she is about to sit down, the woman trips and her dress flies up! The minister immediately covers his eyes and says, "May the Lord strike blind any man who looks upon that woman!" A few seconds pass, and one of the men in the congregation begins to uncover his left eye and says to himself, "Maybe I could give up just one..."
He started to throw the milk and cheese all over the aisle. I thought, how dairy?
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,
Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
Aisle weight.
Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
_______________
I stole this joke.
The son notices that condoms are sold in different numbers per pack, so he asks his Dad why. The Dad replies, "Well, son, the 3 pack is for when you're in High School. One for Friday night, and two for Saturdays. The 6 pack is for when you're in College. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday." The son asks, "What about the 12 pack? I bet that's really good." The Dad says, "Oh, the 12 pack is for when you're married. One for January, one for February..."
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
A plane is struck by lightning. A woman screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be meaningful. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up and says. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, and whispers, "Iron this."
(Don't know if this is a repost. If it is, I didn't know.)
The pilot of a plane tells the passengers that the plane is going down.
A woman frantically gets up from her chair and announces, "All my life, I've never made sweet passionate love with a man. Before I die, I want someone to really make me feel like a woman."
Just then, a handsome man gets up from his chair. He walks down the aisle to the woman, removes his shirt,
and asks her to iron it.
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
The paladin asks for a Dell computer. The mage directs him to aisle five. The warrior asks for a Hewlett-Packard. The mage says "I'm all out of HP." The mage dies.
Your soon-to-be wife is focused on three things: the aisle, the altar, and you. That then becomes her lifelong mantra.
Aisle altar you.
Aisle B, back
They are walking down an aisle and the son see's a 3 pack of condoms and asks "Father what are these?"
The father replies, "Well son those are for high school boys, one for Friday one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
They keep on walking and the son see's a six pack and asks, "Dad this pack has six?!"
The dad replies, "Yes son, those are for college boys two for Friday, two for Saturday and 2 for Sunday."
They continue walking and the son see's a twelve pack. This time in shock the son says, "Dad wow these have 12 why?!"
The father replies, "Well son those are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February.....
And he asks for blubber. The clerk is amazed to see a pirate and exclaims "Are you *really* a pirate!?"
"Aye, matey."
"Whale: aisle B!" replied the surprised-yet-helpful clerk.
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords.
The daughter put a super hero mask on. The father asked "Are you thor?" The daughter immediately corrected him. "No, I'm five."
They're wearing dark glasses and each of them has a white cane. They stumble down the aisle tapping their canes and eventually make it to the cockpit.
Naturally the passengers whom they've passed are a bit uneasy, but nobody says anything.
Within 15 minutes the plane begins to move.
The plane taxis down the runway gaining speed. However, they don't take off.
Passengers are looking out the window at the nearing end of the runway. As they get closer and closer one woman lets out a bloodcurling scream, prompting many others to do the same.
At that exact moment the plane takes off.
In the cockpit one of the blind pilots says to the other "one of these days they're not gonna scream..."
One day, I decided to take a bus to work for a change. Seated across the aisle from me was a beuatiful thai girl. I thought to myself, "please don't get an erection".
But she did.
A little boy and his dad were at the drug store and they just so happened to come upon the condom aisle.
The little boy asked his dad "Daddy why are there so many different boxes of condoms?"
"For different stages in your life." said the dad.
"What's the 3 pack for?"
"Well, that's for when your in High School 2 for Friday night, and 1 for Saturday night."
"Then whats the 6 pack for?"
"For when your at college. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Oh. Then what's the 12 pack for?"
"Well, that's for when your married. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March........"
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.
A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.
Despite the scene his son was causing, the father was cool and collected, slowly and calmly saying, "Don't worry, Donald. It'll be alright, Donald, we'll be home soon."
A nearby mother was very impressed with the father's self control, and wanted to express her gratitude for such calm parenting. "Sir, I'm amazed that you are able to be so calm! It's not every day I see such patient and gracious parenting. Now little guy, what seems to be the problem, Donald?"
"Oh no, ma'am, you're mistaken!" The father interjected, "This is my son, Henry. I'm Donald!"
^(*Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there! Thank you for all you do.*)
On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.
Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.
After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"
From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God!!! That's what I call service!…."
He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.
*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*
Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a clamorous noise.
The frustrated store clerk yells at the man. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"
"I'm just looking around."
Aisle of the beholder.
Lol I hate myself.
for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle.
Two whales are on a road trip, and they decide to stop at a gas station to get some snacks.
So they go into the candy aisle,
And they pass the snickers,
They pass the kitkats
The skittles,
The starburst,
The airheads,
The milky ways,
And finally they see the m&ms.
And one whale says to the other:
Waoaoaooaooaooaoaowwwoaoaw
And the other whale says:
Waoaoaoaoaoaoaaaaooaoaoaawwww
Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.
Extra:
What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.
I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.
The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
Seeing the different packages and count, the boy curiously points them out and asks his father what they're for.
"Well son, the three pack is for the highschool couples so they can safely have sex, once every other day."
He looks to the eight pack. "Those are for the college couples, twice a week."
Finally he looks at the twelve pack. "And those," he sighs, "are for the married couples. Once in January, once in February, once in March..."
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.