Charming Humor Aisle Jokes with Loads of Fun
An Amish family visits a mall...
...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".
A plane is about to crash.
(Don't know if this is a repost. If it is, I didn't know.)
The pilot of a plane tells the passengers that the plane is going down.
A woman frantically gets up from her chair and announces, "All my life, I've never made sweet passionate love with a man. Before I die, I want someone to really make me feel like a woman."
Just then, a handsome man gets up from his chair. He walks down the aisle to the woman, removes his shirt,
and asks her to iron it.
The Thai Girl
One day, I decided to take a bus to work for a change. Seated across the aisle from me was a beuatiful thai girl. I thought to myself, "please don't get an erection".
But she did.
Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."
May I have a piece of gum?
Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have sex right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."
Southwest
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
In a theater
A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.
The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!
The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
My grandfather told me this joke...
A lady and her baby walks onto a bus. The bus driver exclaims "wow that's one ugly baby!" The mother storms down the aisle and takes a seat next to a man. The man tells her "the bus driver should not have said that to you! You march right up to him and speak your mind while I hold your monkey!"
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
You can explore aisle pews reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean aisle greeter dad jokes. There are also aisle puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Kids at the Wedding
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
So a pirate walks into a grocery store...
And he asks for blubber. The clerk is amazed to see a pirate and exclaims "Are you *really* a pirate!?"
"Aye, matey."
"Whale: aisle B!" replied the surprised-yet-helpful clerk.
Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.
Where ya from Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
Well it's like my dad always told me "When life gives ya lemons"
Chances are you're in the fruit aisle.
What did the philosopher say to his coworker?
"Cleanup on the detergent aisle"
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?
Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.
Extra:
What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some
Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
_______________
I stole this joke.
In the vegetable and fruit aisle
Me: Hi, are these carrots genetically modified?
Clerk: No, why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?
A Man Got On A Plane...
A man gets on a plane with six children. A woman leans across the aisle and asks "Are all those children yours?" He answers, "No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.
They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
Grocery produce aisle
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
A paladin and a warrior go into a mage's electronics store to buy computers.
The paladin asks for a Dell computer. The mage directs him to aisle five. The warrior asks for a Hewlett-Packard. The mage says "I'm all out of HP." The mage dies.
Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,
chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation
In a department store, where is your beauty?
Aisle of the beholder.
Lol I hate myself.
On her wedding day...
Your soon-to-be wife is focused on three things: the aisle, the altar, and you. That then becomes her lifelong mantra.
Aisle altar you.
I got kicked out of a grocery store...
for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle.
Where do feminists buy their birth control?
Goodwill clothes aisle
On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar
I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.
A woman boarded a bus carrying her baby.
"Ugh," said the bus driver. "That is the *ugliest* baby I have ever seen." Furious, the woman stormed down the aisle and took a seat.
"What's wrong, lady?" Asked the man next to her.
"That driver just insulted me!"
"Well you go up there and you tell him off! Here - I'll hold your monkey."
Little Mary is at her first wedding.
When it's over, she asks her mother, 'Why did the lady change her mind?'
'What do you mean?' asks mother.
'Well,' replies Mary.
'She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
Customer compliants
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
The Whale Joke
Two whales are on a road trip, and they decide to stop at a gas station to get some snacks.
So they go into the candy aisle,
And they pass the snickers,
They pass the kitkats
The skittles,
The starburst,
The airheads,
The milky ways,
And finally they see the m&ms.
And one whale says to the other:
Waoaoaooaooaooaoaowwwoaoaw
And the other whale says:
Waoaoaoaoaoaoaaaaooaoaoaawwww
If marijuana starts getting sold in a grocery store...
Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the cashier "do you have extra large condoms".
the cashier says "yes, second aisle to the left. You wanna buy some?"
the woman says
"No, but would you mind if I wait here until someone else does"
So a father and his daughter were in the toy aisle.
The daughter put a super hero mask on. The father asked "Are you thor?" The daughter immediately corrected him. "No, I'm five."
A blind man walks into a convenience store with his service dog
He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.
*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*
Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a clamorous noise.
The frustrated store clerk yells at the man. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"
"I'm just looking around."
What's the worst part of a redneck wedding?
Trying to decide which side of the aisle to sit on.
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
A woman was sitting front row at her husbands funeral
A man walks up and says mind if I say a word?
She responds yes.
The man walks up to the podium and says Plethora
As he's walking back down the aisle, the woman stops him and says thanks, that means a lot
Me and my best friend went to the local supermarket...
He started to throw the milk and cheese all over the aisle. I thought, how dairy?
My wife asked why do I look at other women if I am taken
So I asked why does she go down the candy aisle if she is on a diet
A plane gets struck by lightning
A plane is struck by lightning. A woman screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be meaningful. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up and says. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, and whispers, "Iron this."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
Meanwhile at Walmart....
As I shopped, the following announcement came over the store's PA system...
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining... Towels are located in aisle five."
Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?
Aisle B, back
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back.
Extra Large Condoms...
A beautiful woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, Do you have extra large condoms?
The pharmacist replies, Yes, aisle 11. The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms.
The pharmacist calls over to her, Do you need some help?
The woman replies, No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some.
In my line of work, I manage to upset people on both sides of the aisle.
So yeah, I might not be the best wedding planner.
Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocked grocery shelves. Go on.
Aisle weight.
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"
Give me ONE good reason why obese Americans shouldn't be allowed to drive Rascal scooters in Wal-Mart! Go on!
Aisle weight.
Clinton and Pence
You know both sides of the aisle are more alike then you think. Both Clinton and Pence had issues with their flies...
Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.
To put it another way: it's not the big things, it's Aldi Lidl things.
A blind man and his seeing eye dog enter a department store
In the middle of the household items aisle he suddenly stops, grabs his dog by the hind legs and swings him around above his head a couple of times.
Alarmed, the assistant manager comes running and exclaims "Sir! Sir! What are you doing?"
"Oh, just looking around", says the blind man
A man boards a plane with six kids
After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints."
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was
He said Aisle B, back.
Two men are sitting next to one another on a plane...
The one guy is doing a crossword puzzle and is growing increasingly agitated.
Need any help? , says the guy on the aisle.
Thanks. I need a four letter word for a female, ending in 'unt' .
Aunt?
Wow! Thanks!
No problem. Anything else?
Um... you wouldn't happen to have an eraser, would you?
A drunk staggers out of a bar and into a nearby cathedral.
He eventually stumbles his way down the aisle and into a confessional. After a lengthy silence, the priest asks, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno" comes the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
A man is sitting in a train
and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.
Why are you chewing the seeds?
They make me smarter
Really? Could I have some?
Sure, dollar a piece
The man agrees and gets three apple seeds for three bucks. He chews them for a while, then says Wait a minute, for three bucks I could've bought two pounds of apples!
See, it's already working
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, Are all of those kids yours? He replied, No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.
Misunderstanding.
A man in the supermarket sees a woman across the aisle looking at him, so he goes over and says "do i know you"? She says "you're the father of one of my children". He panics and thinks about the only time he cheated on his wife. "Are you the stripper at that party who had sex with me on the pool table while everyone stood around cheering". "No", she says, looking horrified "i'm your sons teacher".
A gorgeous young woman works at the grocery store. Her job is to climb the ladder to get raisin bread down from the top shelf.
Because she is so attractive, a lot of men who come to the grocery store ask her to get down the raisin bread just so they can see up her skirt when she climbs the ladder, but the woman thinks it's just because raisin bread is really popular.
One day, after the woman had given raisin bread to dozens of men, an old man came walking through the bread aisle. "Excuse me, sir," she said. "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," replied the old man, "but it's twitchin' a little!"
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me
She looked me dead in the eye and said, Window or
aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you'll
what?"
Happy Columbus Day
I'm celebrating by getting lost in the grocery store while looking for the spice aisle.
I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store...
She replied "Aisle B, back".
stewardess on my flight wasn't holding back. telling everyone exactly what she thought.
walking down the aisle, looking right at everyone, saying trash trash trash
I used to have a teacher called Miss Aisle.
If you upset her even slightly, she would go ballistic.
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.
I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
Tampons
A man walks into a supermarket, asks the clerk where the Tampons are.
She told him Aisle 14.
He comes back a few minutes later with a big bag of large cotton balls...and some kite string.
Puzzled, the girl asks him if he wasn't the one asking for Tampons?
" it's a long story," he explains, "last night, the wife went to convenience store, and I asked her to get me a pak of cigarettes."
He continues, "she came back with a can of Prince Albert and some rolling papers, saying it was cheaper to roll my own....
Cause of death: COVID
I walked my daughter down the aisle for her third wedding.
I whispered in her ear, I keep giving you away... and they keep giving you back!
I had to ask for help to reach my favorite TV dinner from the top shelf of the frozen foods aisle.
The steaks were too high.
We went to see a movie the other night.
I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.
Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was pretty annoyed with her and asked, "Could you have not done this a little earlier?"
"No", she whispered loudly to me, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just came up on the screen, and mine is in the car."
God, produce is so expensive these days...
I wish there was an amateurduce aisle
Scurvy.
Resistance is fruit aisle.
A man walked into a Walgreens and asked where the tampons were.
Cashier: "Aisle 5."
Minutes later the man returned with a bag of cotton balls and some string.
Cashier: "I thought you were buying tampons."
Man: "I was, and then I got to thinking about something. The other day I asked my wife to pick me up some cigarettes while she was out, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Her reasoning was that it was just SOOO MUCH CHEAPER. So the way I figure it, if I have to roll my own, then so does she."
A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.
"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"
"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.
"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."
This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations in the second aisle of the housewares section.
Aisle B, Home for Christmas.
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are?
and he replied, Aisle B, back."
