Airport Security Jokes

70 airport security jokes and hilarious airport security puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about airport security that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Airport Security Short Jokes

Short airport security jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The airport security humour may include short airport luggage jokes also.

  1. airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual ...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
  2. An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security. Airport security:"Nationality?"
    austrian: "Austria"
    Airport security: "Occupation?"
    Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"
  3. I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.
  4. I got arrested at the airport last week. Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
  5. A photon is going through airport security... The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
    The photon says, No, I'm traveling light.
  6. I was banned from the airport last week. Security doesn't really like it when you call "shotgun" on the plane.
  7. As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today... All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
  8. Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport I mean I had to hand it to them
  9. I hate people that take drugs.. This whole airport security thing has gone *way* too far.
  10. How I got tasered... Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

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Airport Security One Liners

Which airport security one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with airport security? I can suggest the ones about airport name and airport.

  1. I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
  2. Drugs I hate those people who take drugs.
    For example, airport security.
  3. What do you call an airport security employee? A volunteer
  4. Why did Jack quit his job at airport security? Because no one ever said hi to him.
  5. What's good about airport security? Free prostate exam from an unlicensed physician......
  6. While we all get checked by the airport security, Chuck checks the airport security.
  7. A joke about airport security The TSA.
    This concludes the joke about airport security.
  8. What is brown and hard to get through airport security checks? A cup of iced coffee.
  9. I went to the LAX Airport But the security was anything but.
  10. What did airport security tell the Dentist. We need to give you a cavity search
  11. When Chuck Norris goes through airport security he makes them take their shoes off.
  12. Chuck Norris is the only weapon allowed through airport security
  13. What did the Hispanic security guard drink at the airport... Tea Ese.
  14. What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? a**... crack

Howlingly Hilarious Airport Security Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about airport security you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean air travel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make airport security pranks.

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today.

Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

When a statistician passes the airport security check...

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

I hate going through airport security...

For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."

I got arrested at an airport.

Apparently, airport security didn't like it when I called shotgun.

An Irishman is at JFK airport in New York

He is standing over a broken whiskey bottle and crying. A security guard approaches him and asks what's wrong. The Irishman wipes away his tears and says, "I LOST ALL ME LUGGAGE!"

What does Egyptian airport security have in common with Los Angeles airport security?

Both have LAX security.

Why would a dentist make a good airport security guard?

They both enjoy a good cavity search!

To much precaution...

Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.

I prefer to do my stand up comedy in airports

As long as TSA and Homeland Security do their job, there's no way I'd bomb

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

A giraffe was at an airport security check line.

The security guy asked "Is that your laptop?".
The giraffe replied "I thought you would never ask."

So a giraffe is in the security line at the airport...

And the security agent takes the giraffe's bag, looks inside, and says: "is this your laptop?" And the giraffe says, "i thought you'd never ask!"

A photon arrives at the airport

As he checks in, security asks him: "Do you not have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light".

A five year old boy was detained at a US airport for hours because he posed a security threat.

Makes sense. What better assassin to kill a 5 year old president?

I was banned from the airport last week.

Apparently the security doesn't like it when you say Shotgun while boarding the plane.

I was detained at airport security, because the metal detector caught my braces...

I guess you could say I was armed to the teeth.

I was at the airport security and there was a sign that read...

"Federal law prohibits the making of any jokes on airplane highjacking and b**...."
I stopped and told the officer that you don't have to worry about me, I take my bombs very seriously.
My hearing is next month.

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

A man walks into an airport with a pet vulture

He approaches the terminal gates, but airport security stops him.
"Your vulture has to be checked in, and shipped with the luggage." Security said.
The man replied "What do you mean checked in? This is my carrion bird."

I just went through airport security and at the Rapiscan I was told to widen my stance and pull up my pants

I guess the TSA is afraid of bat wings and sagging

The airport security guard said to me: "Straight this way."

I asked him, "Where do the gay people go?"

d**... TSA

If airport security asks you if you have any weapons don't say, "No, I prefer to kill with my bare hands." They don't think it's funny, apparently.

A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.

There isn't enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn't want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.
She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She's about to go through security when she's stopped. Sorry ma'am, the guard says, we don't allow carrion.

I asked my boss for a raise, and he said Ha! When pigs fly!

I hope the airport security doesn't notice I smuggled a pig onboard...

This airport security officer at London airport really doesn't like me

Everytime I try to get past security , Heathrows me out

What group of people do airport security absolutely forbid from coming on planes?

Gender fluid.

I was banned from the airport last week

Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun when boarding a plane

My friend at Pizzahut gets pizzas for free.

Thats why Im working at airport security seizing drugs

I got arrested at the airport.

Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

How many people can you kill with a single bottle of water?

According to airport security, quite a lot.

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some w**...

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

jokes about airport security