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Airport Jokes

163 airport jokes and hilarious airport puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about airport that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for some funny airport jokes to share with your friends or make your travel more enjoyable? This article is packed with airport jokes ranging from security, delay, announcements, names, luggage, bombs, runways, TSA, layovers, and terminals. Read these hilarious airport jokes and have a laugh!

Funniest Airport Short Jokes

Short airport jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The airport humour may include short flight jokes also.

  1. Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport? Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.
  2. Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

    Customs officer: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.
  3. classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at passport Control at Paris airport.
    "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
    "German," she replies.
    "Occupation?"
    "No, just here for a few days."
  4. Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags:
    "I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
    "Sir, you can't do that."
    "Why not? It happened the last time."
  5. Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise.
  6. my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour It was a brief case
  7. I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes. The doctor says it's terminal.
  8. Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual ...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
  9. At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel. He slowly came around.
  10. I was at the airport when I saw a guy fall unconscious on the baggage carousel. He came around slowly.

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Airport One Liners

Which airport one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with airport? I can suggest the ones about plane and arena.

  1. I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
  2. I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
  3. A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."
  4. I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
  5. What do you call a dying airport computer? A terminal terminal terminal.
  6. Fastest Bolt at the Olympics? Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
  7. I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
  8. Drugs I hate those people who take drugs.
    For example, airport security.
  9. What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician? To the airport please
  10. I got sick at the airport My doctor said it was terminal
  11. I tried to sue an airport because of my missing luggage. I lost my case.
  12. My doctor told me I had the airport flu. He says it's terminal.
  13. I fell sick in an airport.... ....it was a terminal illness.
  14. All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled. Imagine all the people.
  15. Why did Ahmed Mohamed get delayed at the airport? he was on a watch list...

Airport Security Jokes

Here is a list of funny airport security jokes and even better airport security puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security. Airport security:"Nationality?"
    austrian: "Austria"
    Airport security: "Occupation?"
    Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"
  • I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.
  • I got arrested at the airport last week. Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
  • A photon is going through airport security... The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
    The photon says, No, I'm traveling light.
  • I was banned from the airport last week. Security doesn't really like it when you call "shotgun" on the plane.
  • As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today... All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
  • Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport I mean I had to hand it to them
  • I hate people that take drugs.. This whole airport security thing has gone *way* too far.
  • How I got tasered... Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"
  • I was banned from the airport last week. Apparently the security doesn't like it when you say Shotgun while boarding the plane.

Airport Luggage Jokes

Here is a list of funny airport luggage jokes and even better airport luggage puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was at the airport today and saw a man collapse on the luggage carousel. He slowly came around.
  • A man lost his luggage in an airport , so he sued the airport... Needless to say, he lost the case.
  • I sued the airport for losing my luggage I lost my case
  • Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy...... however, that's not the case.
  • A photon went on holiday. When checking in at the airport...
    Check In agent. "Do you have any luggage sir?"
    Photon. "No, I'm travelling light"
  • I sued the airport the other day because they didn't want to give me my luggage Guess what, I lost the case
  • A photon arrives at the airport As he checks in, security asks him: "Do you not have any luggage?"
    The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light".
  • I just came up with this A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.
  • I sued the airport for misplacing my luggage They lost the case
  • My friend was flying with Delta airlines I told him: "Don't expect luggage to arrive".
    He later informed me his luggage didn't even leave the airport.
Airport joke, My friend was flying with Delta airlines

Airport Name Jokes

Here is a list of funny airport name jokes and even better airport name puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon... History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
  • A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport Husband: "We should have taken the fridge with us"
    Wife: "In the name of God, why?"
    Husband: "Our tickets are on it"
  • Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought.... Fokker.
  • Kennedy, Lennon, Gandhi If you don't want you kids assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
  • TIL there is an airport in Paris named after a former French President • ORLY?
    - No Charles De Gaulle
  • An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control -Name?
    -David Cohen
    -Age?
    -32
    -Occupation?
    -No, just sightseeing... For now
  • During the lockdown, they changed the names of the flight areas in airports to waystations They thought 'terminal' was a bit off putting
  • Did you hear, they are changing the name of the airport in Los Angeles? I guess now it will be ex-lax.
  • Mitt Romney was in my dream last night... Real dream. We were at the airport, and as we boarded the plane I turned to him and said "Aww, c'mon man, you named your plane Airforce 1%?"
  • Why does Liverpool have an airport named after John Lennon? Because it's the first place he went once he got some money

Airport Bomb Jokes

Here is a list of funny airport bomb jokes and even better airport bomb puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
    I replied "No, only guns."
  • I don't understand why the police train up bomb dogs to work at the airport They're all colourblind and always cut the wrong wire
  • I prefer to do my stand up comedy in airports As long as TSA and Homeland Security do their job, there's no way I'd bomb
  • My girlfriend is the bomb... So don't be at the airport tomorrow. It might get explosive.

Airport Delay Jokes

Here is a list of funny airport delay jokes and even better airport delay puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So Darwin comes across a sad penguin in an airport.... He goes up to the penguin and asks, "Why so angry, you cute little fella?"
    The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed."
  • I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport. My plane wasn't delayed.
Airport joke, I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport.

Fun-Filled Airport Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about airport you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean landing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make airport pranks.

So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight


He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.

Hope it's not terminal.

A guy tells his psychiatrist:

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."

Bring me back a nice Italian girl

A man is dropping off his wife, who's being sent on a business trip to Italy, at the airport. Before saying his goodbyes, he quips "Now be sure to bring me back a nice Italian girl." A week later, he's back at the airport to pick her up. After kissing her hello, he says "So did you get me that nice Italian girl?" to which the wife responds "Well I did my best, but we're going to have to wait 9 months to find out if it's a girl."

I hate when black people mistakenly think I'm racist

Today, a black guy was holding hands with his white girlfriend in the airport and got upset because he caught me looking at him suspiciously. I wish I could explain to him that I was only trying to figure out if he was in the NBA or not.

When a statistician passes the airport security check...

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

A man using apple maps...

A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar... or maybe an airport. Or is it a river? Not quite sure. One of them, anyways.

Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."

The muslim

**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half n**... women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet

I hate going through airport security...

For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.

If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.

Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there h**..., guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"

A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport...

... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".

So a man is at an airport.

He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."

Heard this while at a Canadian airport.

Lady: We're going to the states for a few days.
Oldman: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lady: Why not?
Oldman: It's full of Americans.

A blonde woman waves a cab

She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .

The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."
Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...

We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.

I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,

boy she has a lot of baggage.

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

We must follow our policy. . .

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.

Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?

"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport

When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.

Looked pretty plane to me.

Three Businessmen are on a plane

The first one turns to the other two and says "My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have s**... 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport."
"Just 3?" Replied the 2nd man. "I made love to my girlfriend 5 times." Turning to the 3rd man he asks "And you?"
"I only made love to my wife once last night." the 3rd guy replied.
"Just once? That's it? Geez. What did your wife say in the morning?"
"Don't stop."

Murphy and Seamus

Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.
Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.
Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"

Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

An asian asks for help at an airport...

Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."
Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."
Asian: "fluck you americans too."

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Englishman replies, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was still a requirement.

On my way for the latest porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

Why did the Asian pilot get arrested at the airport?

TSA thought he said he was going to "pirate" the plane.

Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

A woman has to go to a conference in Italy, so her husband drives her.

"Thanks honey" she says, "what would you like me to bring you back?"
"Oh, um, an Italian girl!" The husband jokingly says.
"I'll see what I can do" the woman says as she walks into the airport waving goodbye.
3 days later the woman returns and her husband greets her at the airport.
"How was your trip? Did you remember to bring my gift?"
"What gift?"
"The Italian girl!"
"Oh, we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a boy or girl"

A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.

A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport.

The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:
"Have you ever been sentenced?"
"Wait, is this still a requirement?"

At Munich Airport

A young man approaches an Olympic athlete carrying a long pole and asks are you a pole vaulter?
The man clearly annoyed responds no, I'm German, and how did you know my name is Walter?!

Arrested at the airport

I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911

Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,

as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!

A man walks into an airport and says "cluck cluck bacawk"

...and the woman says "no sir, this is the *check*-in desk"

German tourist visits France.

Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?
It was 1959 , says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."

I have this unusual medical condition where I can't stop making silly airport puns.

The doctor says it's terminal.

I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal

If a**... could fly...

Reddit would be an international airport.

Airport joke, If a**... could fly...

jokes about airport