Fun-Filled Airport Jokes to Boost Your Mood
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example: airport security.
When a statistician passes the airport security check...
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.
Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
The muslim
**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half n**... women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet
I hate going through airport security...
For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.
If you can't afford healthcare...
Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
classic germans
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?
To the airport please
A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport...
... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".
A blonde woman waves a cab
She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
You can explore airport terminal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean airport terrorists dad jokes. There are also airport puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I thought of this joke this morning in the shower
A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"
A penguin walks into an airport...
A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."
Putin at the airport
Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
I got arrested at the airport last week.
Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
Free shipping?
I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time."
I recently got sick at the airport,
my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
My doctor told me I had the airport flu.
He says it's terminal.
TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...
The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
I replied "No, only guns."
Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?
Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.
A photon is going through airport security...
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, No, I'm traveling light.
So I recently went to Australia...
I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?
"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport
Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?
Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.
The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
Putin lands at Helsinki airport...
...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.
Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual
...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
An asian asks for help at an airport...
Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."
Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."
Asian: "fluck you americans too."
I got sick at the airport
My doctor said it was terminal
An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...
An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Englishman replies, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was still a requirement.
On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..
the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.
As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...
All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...
It could be a terminal illness.
I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...
I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."
I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"
Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.
Arrested at the airport
I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911
A man walks into an airport and says "cluck cluck bacawk"
...and the woman says "no sir, this is the *check*-in desk"
Drugs
I hate those people who take drugs.
For example, airport security.
I was banned from the airport last week.
Security doesn't really like it when you call "shotgun" on the plane.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
I tried to sue an airport because of my missing luggage.
I lost my case.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.
The doctor says it's terminal.
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.
Airport security:"Nationality?"
Austrian: "Austria"
Airport security: "Occupation?"
Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"
An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And did you bring something home for me?"
"Something, did I forget?" she asks.
"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon...
History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
Sophie asks a taxi driver:
"How much does it cost to take me to the airport?"
\- 250 bucks
"What if we take my husband too?"
\- Same 250 bucks.
Sophie turns to her Husband:
"Haven't I told you, you are actually worthless."
I was at the airport when I saw a guy fall unconscious on the baggage carousel.
He came around slowly.
I was at the airport today and saw a man collapse on the luggage carousel.
He slowly came around.
t**...
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.
"Just count to five and pull on the main c**...," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve c**...."
"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main c**.... Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve c**.... Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: "I bet that bus won't be there to pick me up either."
my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour
It was a brief case
I've got this terrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
My Doctor tells me it's terminal.
Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?
Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.
At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel.
He slowly came around.
A man goes on a business trip to Boston and wants to try out the local cuisine.
So, as he gets into the cab at the airport, he asks the driver "Where can I get Scrod?" The driver replies "Mister, I've been asked that question many times and in many ways but never before in the Past Pluperfect Possessive."
There was a massive $20m gold heist at Toronto Pearson Airport this morning.
They'll be doing a movie about it called oceans Eh-teen.
Two women were chatting in the airport lounge…
The younger one says I must be jet lagged, I went to get my ticket to Pittsburgh and asked for a picket to dicksburgh
The older one replies and says I know what you mean, I called my husband to remind him to take out the trash and instead said 'you ruined my life you drunken bastard'
Why did the terrorist listen to Metallica on his way to the airport?
Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1992!
