The Best 64 Airport Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Airport jokes. There are some airport taxi jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these airport sniffer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Airport Jokes and Puns

I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

A guy tells his psychiatrist:

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"

"Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."

Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.

"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?" he asks.

"No, just visiting for a few days."

Airport joke, Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.

The muslim

**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**

Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half naked women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.

Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down

Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet

I hate going through airport security...

For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.


If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Airport joke, classic germans

What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport...

... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".

A blonde woman waves a cab

She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"

The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"

The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"

Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"

The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

You can explore airport terminal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean airport terrorists dad jokes. There are also airport puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

A penguin walks into an airport...

A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

Putin at the airport

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

I got arrested at the airport last week.

Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.

Free shipping?

I walked into an airport with two bags:

"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."

"Sir, you can't do that."

"Why not? It happened the last time."

Airport joke, Free shipping?

I recently got sick at the airport,

my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,

boy she has a lot of baggage.

My doctor told me I had the airport flu.

He says it's terminal.


TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"

I replied "No, only guns."

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

A photon is going through airport security...

The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, No, I'm traveling light.

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?

"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual

...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

An asian asks for help at an airport...

Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."

Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."

Asian: "fluck you americans too."

I got sick at the airport

My doctor said it was terminal

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, Do you have any felony convictions?

The Englishman replies, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was still a requirement.

On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

Why did the Asian pilot get arrested at the airport?

TSA thought he said he was going to "pirate" the plane.

I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked

"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

A woman has to go to a conference in Italy, so her husband drives her.

"Thanks honey" she says, "what would you like me to bring you back?"

"Oh, um, an Italian girl!" The husband jokingly says.

"I'll see what I can do" the woman says as she walks into the airport waving goodbye.

3 days later the woman returns and her husband greets her at the airport.

"How was your trip? Did you remember to bring my gift?"

"What gift?"

"The Italian girl!"

"Oh, we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a boy or girl"

A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

I fell sick in an airport....

....it was a terminal illness.

Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport

I mean I had to hand it to them

I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

Arrested at the airport

I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model

When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911

A man walks into an airport and says "cluck cluck bacawk"

...and the woman says "no sir, this is the *check*-in desk"

Drugs

I hate those people who take drugs.

For example, airport security.

I was banned from the airport last week.

Security doesn't really like it when you call "shotgun" on the plane.

German tourist visits France.

Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"

German Dude: "German".

Airport Guy: "Occupation?"

German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?

He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?

Very good, she replies.

And what happened to my present?

Which present? she asks.

The one I asked for - an Italian girl!

Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

I tried to sue an airport because of my missing luggage.

I lost my case.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"

The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."

All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled.

Imagine all the people.

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .

It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought....

Fokker.

How did the airport die?

From terminal cancer.

I got the awful disease where i can't stop telling airport jokes....

My Doctor says its terminal...

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you did on my last flight.

I sued the airport the other day because they didn't want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler.

He lost my case.

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the airport luggage jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working airport gatwick piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes