Airport Jokes
157 airport jokes and hilarious airport puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about airport that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for some funny airport jokes to share with your friends or make your travel more enjoyable? This article is packed with airport jokes ranging from security, delay, announcements, names, luggage, bombs, runways, TSA, layovers, and terminals. Read these hilarious airport jokes and have a laugh!
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Funniest Airport Short Jokes
Short airport jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The airport humour may include short flight jokes also.
- Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport? Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.
- Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting. - classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days." - Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time." - Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise.
- my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour It was a brief case
- I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes. The doctor says it's terminal.
- Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual ...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
- At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel. He slowly came around.
- An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security. Airport security:"Nationality?"
austrian: "Austria"
Airport security: "Occupation?"
Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"
Share These Airport Jokes With Friends
Airport One Liners
Which airport one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with airport? I can suggest the ones about plane and arena.
- I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
- I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
- A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."
- I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
- What do you call a dying airport computer? A terminal terminal terminal.
- Fastest Bolt at the Olympics? Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
- I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
- What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician? To the airport please
- All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled. Imagine all the people.
- Why did Ahmed Mohamed get delayed at the airport? he was on a watch list...
- I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport, boy she has a lot of baggage.
- How did the airport die? From terminal cancer.
- Confucius say: Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
- Can a ninja bring a ninja star into the airport? Shuriken.
- If England wins to Costa Rica, it could face Spain... ...at the airport.
Airport Security Jokes
Here is a list of funny airport security jokes and even better airport security puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.
- I got arrested at the airport last week. Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
- As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today... All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
- Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport I mean I had to hand it to them
- How I got tasered... Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"
- I was banned from the airport last week. Apparently the security doesn't like it when you say Shotgun while boarding the plane.
- A photon arrives at the airport As he checks in, security asks him: "Do you not have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light". - To much precaution... Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.
- What do you call an airport security employee? A volunteer
- I prefer to do my stand up comedy in airports As long as TSA and Homeland Security do their job, there's no way I'd bomb
Airport Luggage Jokes
Here is a list of funny airport luggage jokes and even better airport luggage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy...... however, that's not the case.
- I sued the airport for misplacing my luggage They lost the case
- My friend was flying with Delta airlines I told him: "Don't expect luggage to arrive".
He later informed me his luggage didn't even leave the airport. - Why did the airport luggage checker refuse to date the depressed man? he had to much baggage
- Why did the photographer get arrested at the airport? His luggage contained a couple of Canons.
- I was allowed to check my misbehaving child as luggage at the airport so I supposed I'll have to... ...carry on my wayward son.
Airport Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny airport name jokes and even better airport name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon... History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
- A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport Husband: "We should have taken the fridge with us"
Wife: "In the name of God, why?"
Husband: "Our tickets are on it" - Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought.... Fokker.
- Kennedy, Lennon, Gandhi If you don't want you kids assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
- TIL there is an airport in Paris named after a former French President • ORLY?
- No Charles De Gaulle - An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control -Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now - During the lockdown, they changed the names of the flight areas in airports to waystations They thought 'terminal' was a bit off putting
- Did you hear, they are changing the name of the airport in Los Angeles? I guess now it will be ex-lax.
- Mitt Romney was in my dream last night... Real dream. We were at the airport, and as we boarded the plane I turned to him and said "Aww, c'mon man, you named your plane Airforce 1%?"
- Why does Liverpool have an airport named after John Lennon? Because it's the first place he went once he got some money
Airport Bomb Jokes
Here is a list of funny airport bomb jokes and even better airport bomb puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
I replied "No, only guns." - I don't understand why the police train up bomb dogs to work at the airport They're all colourblind and always cut the wrong wire
- My girlfriend is the bomb... So don't be at the airport tomorrow. It might get explosive.
Airport Delay Jokes
Here is a list of funny airport delay jokes and even better airport delay puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So Darwin comes across a sad penguin in an airport.... He goes up to the penguin and asks, "Why so angry, you cute little fella?"
The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed." - I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport. My plane wasn't delayed.
Fun-Filled Airport Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about airport you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hotel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make airport pranks.
So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.
Hope it's not terminal.
A guy tells his psychiatrist:
"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."
Bring me back a nice Italian girl
A man is dropping off his wife, who's being sent on a business trip to Italy, at the airport. Before saying his goodbyes, he quips "Now be sure to bring me back a nice Italian girl." A week later, he's back at the airport to pick her up. After kissing her hello, he says "So did you get me that nice Italian girl?" to which the wife responds "Well I did my best, but we're going to have to wait 9 months to find out if it's a girl."
Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.
Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The muslim
**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half n**... women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet
I hate going through airport security...
For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.
An Israeli Joke
An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."
If you can't afford healthcare...
Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.
Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there h**..., guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"
A British cab driver pulls up to the airport...
He sees a man waiting for a cab. The man has three eyes, no arms, and only one leg.
The cab driver says to him "Aye, aye, aye. You look 'armless. Hop in!"
Why was the airport depressed?
It had a terminal illness.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is at the airport. The airline attendant asks the man, "Do you have any baggage?"
He replies, "I haven't talked to my parents in 3 years, I have depression, and I'm still a v**...."
A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport...
... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
Heard this while at a Canadian airport.
Lady: We're going to the states for a few days.
Oldman: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lady: Why not?
Oldman: It's full of Americans.
There was a business man that used to travel a lot
But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".
A blonde woman waves a cab
She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .
The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."
Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.
I thought of this joke this morning in the shower
A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"
One woman stops a taxi....
"To the airport, please." After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today." She says, "Are you kidding me? I am not pregnant." "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either.
I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...
We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.
Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?
Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.
So I recently went to Australia...
I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
We must follow our policy. . .
I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.
D.E.L.T.A. Airlines
Didn't Even Leave The Airport
Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?
"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport
When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.
He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."
I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.
Looked pretty plane to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Businessmen are on a plane
The first one turns to the other two and says "My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have s**... 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport."
"Just 3?" Replied the 2nd man. "I made love to my girlfriend 5 times." Turning to the 3rd man he asks "And you?"
"I only made love to my wife once last night." the 3rd guy replied.
"Just once? That's it? Geez. What did your wife say in the morning?"
"Don't stop."
Murphy and Seamus
Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.
Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.
Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
"Hey Dad, I'm going to the airport. Call me a taxi.'
Dad : "Hi taxi"
On my way for the latest porsche presentation..
the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.
Why did the Asian pilot get arrested at the airport?
TSA thought he said he was going to "pirate" the plane.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)
I wish teleportation was possible..
I would never get late to the airport and lose my flight again...
A woman has to go to a conference in Italy, so her husband drives her.
"Thanks honey" she says, "what would you like me to bring you back?"
"Oh, um, an Italian girl!" The husband jokingly says.
"I'll see what I can do" the woman says as she walks into the airport waving goodbye.
3 days later the woman returns and her husband greets her at the airport.
"How was your trip? Did you remember to bring my gift?"
"What gift?"
"The Italian girl!"
"Oh, we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a boy or girl"
A joke my grandfather told me as a kid.
After the passengers loaded on, the plane flew out of the airport. As they were getting airborn, an announcement came over the speakers: "Welcome to the first fully-automated flight. There are no pilots operating this plane, it's being operated entirely by a computer. Rest assured that rigorous testing has been run to ensure that the trip will be completely safe. Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong..."
I was stopped by a policeman and he asked me why I was speeding.
"Care to explain why you were going double the speed limit?" he asked.
I said, "I'm sorry, but my wife's about to give birth, I must hurry."
"Oh," he hesitated, "are you going to pick her up?"
"No, I'm going to the airport."
Arrested at the airport
I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport
Re:LAX
Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,
as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!
A man walks into an airport and says "cluck cluck bacawk"
...and the woman says "no sir, this is the *check*-in desk"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drugs
I hate those people who take drugs.
For example, airport security.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people that take drugs..
This whole airport security thing has gone *way* too far.
A couple of good covid jokes I've heard
1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year.
WHY?
coz it's made in China.
4. I dont think anyone saw a worldwide pandemic happening this year. I guess most people don't have 2020 vision.
A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.
She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?
It was 1959 , says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."
So i was in the queue at the airport and the lady at check-in said "There is a four hour delay" I asked "Why's that?" "The pilot heard a funny noise from the engine..
And it will take us four hours to find a pilot who can't hear it" she said...
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.
He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?
a**... crack
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... was at the airport and was stopped by customs.
Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?
p**...: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.
Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?
p**...: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate m**...,
He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could
I bring him back two Saxophones.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a**... could fly...
Reddit would be an international airport.
A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.
With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.
"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.
"No, sorry, that's our carrion"
