The Best 85 Airplane Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Airplane jokes. There are some airplane airliner jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these airplane flight puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Airplane Jokes and Puns

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

Did you hear about the airplane that crashed into a cemetery?

They recovered 12,000 bodies.

Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off strip is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the strip. A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the strip. The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

Flying Blind

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.

The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."

The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"

The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"

Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."


When a statistician passes the airport security check...

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

As migration approached, two elderly vultures

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

As airplanes about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

Airplane Business

Hey man, how's your flight company going?

You know, I think it's really taken off.

It was mealtime on an airplane...

...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

You can explore airplane pilot reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean airplane stewardesses dad jokes. There are also airplane puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Make me feel like a woman.

The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a crash landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams "Someone make me feel like a woman one last time!" A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron.

A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."

A Malaysian man buys a new phone...

He puts it on airplane mode. Now he cant seem to find it anywhere.

I set my phone to airplane mode

I lost it two weeks ago and everyone has a different opinion on what happened to it

How often do airplanes crash?

Just once.

/**************************************/

There are 11 blondes...

hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.

After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery.......

Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost.

The FBI Arrested me Once for Masturbating on a Airplane Toilet

They accused me of High Jacking

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.


The first rule of flight club is..

..turn the airplane on. & you should probably learn how to read.

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

a receeding airline.... bada boom! The little bros joke book is pure gold haha

I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane

They told me the risk was too big.

Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app...

When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.

I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired

from all the masturbating I did in the airplane lavatory.

Why didn't the buzzard have any luggage on the airplane?

Because he ate his carrion.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

When do we need airplane noises?

NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode.

Getting married for sex...

is like flying on an airplane for food.

What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane

A pilot

An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim

I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.

A muslim guy greeted his friend on an airplane. They were both detained.

His friend named Jack.

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"

and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on

Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?

The steaks couldn't have been higher.

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest penises and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"

"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"

I was getting off an airplane, when I passed a little boy who was waving and saying "Bye, plane!"...

"No, this isn't a biplane." I said, as the kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look.

I went on, "You can't tell its sexual preference based just on how it looks."

An asian asks for help at an airport...

Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."

Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."

Asian: "fluck you americans too."

What's white and kills you if it enters your eye?

An airplane.

"What do we want?"

"AIRPLANE NOISES!"

"When do we want them?"

"NEEEEOOOWWWWW"

I'm very sorry

11 Blondes and a brunette

There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

What do we want? Airplane sounds! When do we want them?

Neeeeaaaowwww!

Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.

One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."

The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."

An airplane yells at his rebellious son...

.. "Watch that altitude, young man"

An airplane yells at his son

"If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."

If 2 wrongs DID make a right...

You'd need 4 wrongs to invent an airplane.

How do you call a bouncy airplane?

A Boing.

P.S. I came up with this on my own, yet have a feeling it mist've been here already, so please tell me if it's a repost. Thanks!

Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

An unfortunate business idea

I once started a restaurant inside an airplane that was no longer functional. Sadly, it never took off.

There are more airplanes in the ocean

than submarines in the sky

The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world

The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:

"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"

Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:

"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".

After a while the Brazilian president also puts his hands out of the Airplane and says:

"Yes, we finally are in Brazil. I just had my watch stolen"

What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing.

The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,

Why did you become a pilot?

To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.

Flying? the pilot asks

No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.

Why don't airplanes have a 'reverse' drive?

No one wants a receding airline...

I have no idea if airplanes can actually travel in reverse, just go with me folks ;)

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."

So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

A Muslim enters a building

Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.

TIL: The brothers who invented the airplane had Chinese parents...

I guess two Wongs can make a Wright.

Asked my iPhone, Surely I don't need an umbrella today? . Siri replied Yes, and don't call me Shirley .

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

What do an airplane and a girl have in common?

A cockpit

What do we want? Airplane noises.

When do we want them?

Nyeeeaaaaaoooowww

I asked Siri a question and she said, Don't call me Shirley.

I must have left the phone in Airplane mode.

Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

What sound does an airplane make in a bouncy castle?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

What do you call it when someone masturbates on an airplane?

Hijacking

Spy

A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.

That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .

A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...

The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."

The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!?"

Confucius once said...

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, and he flies for a day. Throw a man out of a flying plane, and he flies for the rest of his life."

I wrote this joke, tell me what you think.

A vulture was boarding an airplane but was stopped at the gate and told he couldn't board. They said his carrion was too large.

What do we want?

Airplane noises!

When do we want them!?

Neeeeeeoooooowwwwww!

i threw my phone from the roof, and it broke...

i guess airplane mode isn't working

Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.

To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".

The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".

Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France".

The other two asks how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Eiffel Tower".

Then the Indian puts his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached India".

The other two asks how and he replied, "Well someone stole my watch".

A small airplane crashes into the ground in a small town, and some curious locals go to the crash site to see what happened.

Some of the locals start digging to see if there are any survivors trapped in the plane.

A few hours in, they give up the search and one of the locals goes back to his house and tells his wife what happened.

He tells his wife that there were over 1000 bodies found in the crash site, but no survivors were found.

Oh my god, where did it crash? the wife asked in shock.

In the town cemetery. the husband replied.

As an airplane is about to crash

a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead rabbits.

And the flight attendant says "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

i have a terrible disease where i can't stop telling airplane jokes

my doctor says it's terminal

What's the deal with airplane food?

It's always so plane

What do you call an airplane full of bald people?

Receding airlines...

Why can't Quentin Tarantino go on an airplane?

Because the pilot mentions "30,000 feet" and he goes absolutely crazy.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the airplane boeing jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working airplane airplane trouble piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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