Rib-Tickling Airplane Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW
Plane Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
So people are loading into an airplane
And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."
Flying Blind
A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."
When a statistician passes the airport security check...
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
As migration approached, two elderly vultures
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
As airplanes about to c**......
As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
It was mealtime on an airplane...
...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."
A Malaysian man buys a new phone...
He puts it on airplane mode. Now he cant seem to find it anywhere.
You can explore airplane pilot reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean airplane stewardesses dad jokes. There are also airplane puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I set my phone to airplane mode
I lost it two weeks ago and everyone has a different opinion on what happened to it
How often do airplanes c**...?
Just once.
/**************************************/
There are 11 blondes...
hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will c**.... So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.
After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery.......
Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost.
The FBI Arrested me Once for m**... on a Airplane Toilet
They accused me of High Jacking
Just asked Siri.
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
The first rule of flight club is..
..turn the airplane on. & you should probably learn how to read.
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
a receeding airline.... bada boom! The little bros joke book is pure gold haha
I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane
They told me the risk was too big.
Literary position.
Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."
I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app...
When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.
I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired
from all the m**... I did in the airplane lavatory.
Why didn't the buzzard have any luggage on the airplane?
Because he ate his carrion.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?
Put it into airplane mode.
What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane
A pilot
An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim
I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.
A muslim guy greeted his friend on an airplane. They were both detained.
His friend named Jack.
If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.
But if she shoots up a lot of h**..., she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.
I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"
and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on
Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?
The steaks couldn't have been higher.
Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?
Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?
A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris
And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.
"So, what are you doing in Paris?"
"I'm a scientist, I research s**..."
The man is now tempted:
"What have you discovered about s**... in your research?"
"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest p**... and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"
"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"
I was getting off an airplane, when I passed a little boy who was waving and saying "Bye, plane!"...
"No, this isn't a biplane." I said, as the kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look.
I went on, "You can't tell its s**... preference based just on how it looks."
An asian asks for help at an airport...
Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."
Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."
Asian: "fluck you americans too."
"What do we want?"
"AIRPLANE NOISES!"
"When do we want them?"
"NEEEEOOOWWWWW"
I'm very sorry
11 Blondes and a brunette
There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
My phone fell from the 20th floor,
good thing it was in airplane mode.
Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'
Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode
What do we want? Airplane sounds! When do we want them?
Neeeeaaaowwww!
Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.
Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.
One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."
The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."
An airplane yells at his rebellious son...
.. "Watch that altitude, young man"
An airplane yells at his son
"If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."
If 2 wrongs DID make a right...
You'd need 4 wrongs to invent an airplane.
How do you call a bouncy airplane?
A Boing.
P.S. I came up with this on my own, yet have a feeling it mist've been here already, so please tell me if it's a repost. Thanks!
Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
An unfortunate business idea
I once started a restaurant inside an airplane that was no longer functional. Sadly, it never took off.
There are more airplanes in the ocean
than submarines in the sky
What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?
Boeing.
The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.
As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
Why did you become a pilot?
To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.
Flying? the pilot asks
No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.
Why don't airplanes have a 'reverse' drive?
No one wants a receding airline...
I have no idea if airplanes can actually travel in reverse, just go with me folks ;)
A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."
A Muslim enters a building
Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.
Asked my iPhone, Surely I don't need an umbrella today? . Siri replied Yes, and don't call me Shirley .
Turns out I left Airplane mode on.
What sound does a rubber airplane make?
Boeing
What do an airplane and a girl have in common?
A cockpit
What do we want? Airplane noises.
When do we want them?
Nyeeeaaaaaoooowww
I asked Siri a question and she said, Don't call me Shirley.
I must have left the phone in Airplane mode.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
A blonde joke
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the c**...-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
What do you call it when someone masturbates on an airplane?
h**...
A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...
The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."
The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!?"
Confucius once said...
"Buy a man an airplane ticket, and he flies for a day. Throw a man out of a flying plane, and he flies for the rest of his life."
I wrote this joke, tell me what you think.
A vulture was boarding an airplane but was stopped at the gate and told he couldn't board. They said his carrion was too large.
What do we want?
Airplane noises!
When do we want them!?
Neeeeeeoooooowwwwww!
i threw my phone from the roof, and it broke...
i guess airplane mode isn't working
A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead rabbits.
And the flight attendant says "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
Chivalry really is dead…
The other day, I helped a young lady out the door and, instead of thanking me, she yelled at me on her way out.
I don't know what surprised me more: Her reaction or the fact that airplane doors could actually open mid flight
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, Surely, it's not going to rain today?
And she replied, Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley.
That was when I realized I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.
I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...
...but they never landed well.
Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.
They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane.
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.
The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.
Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.
Did you know that there are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the air?
I mean... it's plane to sea.
So Siri tells me there's a blizzard on the way, to which I say
Surely you can't be serious and she replies I am serious and don't call me Shirley
I must have left my phone in airplane mode
An airplane crashes onto an old cemetery
The police reports over 3.500 dead people
This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
I told an airplane joke to my co-worker.
Sadly, it flew right over their head. (It wasn't a 9-11 joke, those c**... and burn anyways)
"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.
"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.
"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.
Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.
A vulture walked into an airplane,
dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak. The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks Wouldn't you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?
And the vulture said No thanks. It's carrion.
scared of flying
A friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that
there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion
- a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with
him when he flew
I designed a rubber airplane that is crashproof.
It's called the Boing 747
What do parents feeding their kids and t**... have in common?
Here comes the airplane!
An airplane joke
The pilot comes on the speaker
Pilot: "Now that we are in the air I figured I'd lighten it up with a joke. Knock knock"
Passengers "Whose there?"
Pilot: "Superman"
Passengers: "Superman who?"
Pilot: "You're at forty thousand feet, it's either me, or a really unlucky baggage handler, now open up"
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
Stationary.
Today, my 10 y/o nephew proudly showed me a model airplane he had built.
"Not too bad," I said, pulling out my iPhone. "But see what Chinese kids of your age can do."
I'm working on a show that focuses on the life of a gifted airplane captain.
Producers said that if I wanted to be successful, I'd need an excellent pilot.
Why was the transvestite kicked out of the airplane?
Too much drag
The blind lady on the airplane got mad at me.
Because I asked if she had done any Sight Seeing on her vacation.
