Airplane Crash Jokes

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to c**.

.., however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.

On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."
The hunters go out and return with two bears.
So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!"
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.
After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.
The pilot says, "About the same place where we crashed last year."

There were four people on a plane.
One of them, the Pilot.
The other was the president of the United States –Obama, The oldest man in the world, and a little boy.
The plane was about to c**... and the only option for survival was to jump!
But there were only three parachutes.
The Pilot took a parachute and said, "I'm the pilot, so I should get a parachute."
And he jumped off.
Then Obama grabs a and jumps saying, "Since I'm the president, I get one too!"
And he jumps.
The little boy then grabs a parachute and hands it to the old man.
The man declines, saying, "No, boy, take it. I'm too old anyway."
The boy answers, "What? No! Obama took my back-pack!"

Mathematician and engineer in the desert..

An airplane crashed in the middle of the Sahara, and an engineer and mathematician are the only survivors. They start walking and after a couple of days they are near death. An angel comes down and says "I am your guardian angel, and I am going to give you a chance to live. I am going to put cases of water a mile away. But here's the catch...you have to go half way to the water and stop, half way and stop all the way to the water." The two say "Oh thank you, thank you angel!" and walk a half mile and stop, then a quarter mile and stop. Finally, they are 20 steps away, then 10, until they are taking baby steps. The mathematician suddenly shouts in frustration "this is all a cruel joke! We will never actually reach the water! We are going to die!!" The engineer says "Relax d**..., we're close enough already..", and he reaches down and grabs a bottle.

Polish Moose Hunt

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the c**.... After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"
Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Air Force one goes down.

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

Polish Hunters

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the c**....

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

An airplane is about to c**... with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and old man and a young boy...

Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes left for the 4 of them.
 
Barack Obama said I am the president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower! So he takes the 1st parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
 
Hillary Clinton, said I am the future first female President of the United States and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the 2nd parachute and exits the plane.
 
The old man kneels down to the young boy and says, "I am old and frail and I've lived many years, you take the last parachute."
 
The young boy responds, It's ok! We have enough parachutes. The world's smartest woman jumped out of the airplane with my backpack.
 

An airplane was about to c**... with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, an old man and a young boy...

Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes left for the 4 of them.
 
Barack Obama said I am the president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower! So he takes the 1st parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
 
Hillary Clinton, said I am the future first female President of the United States and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the 2nd parachute and exits the plane.
 
The old man kneels down to the young boy and says, "I am old and frail and I've lived many years, you take the last parachute."
 
The young boy responds, It's ok! We have enough parachutes. The world's smartest woman jumped out of the airplane with my backpack.

NASA CHICKEN CANON

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."