Airlines Jokes

Following is our collection of alitalia humor and twa one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Airlines puns for adults, dirty jet jokes or clean southwest airlines gags for kids.

There is an abundance of airline jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes on airlines. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any aeroplane witze you can hear about airlines.

The Best jokes about Airlines

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

Why are you flying with United Airlines?

Beats me.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.


Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.






^im ^so ^sorry

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal.

At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines?

One has dragons and the other has drag-offs


It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Flight Report

Flight Attendant: "Captain! I think we have a case of human trafficking! There's a lecherous old slob with an immigrant lady on the plane, who looks like she's being taken against her will! Should we bump them off?"




Captain: "For gods sake Patricia! We don't work for United Airlines anymore! This is Air Force one!"

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

There was a race to see what company'sā€‹ planes flew fastest

United Airlines beat everyone...

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...

And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

Was going to do United Airlines joke

But everyone already United Airlined me to it.


Why is it called Virgin Airlines?

Because their planes are eighteen years old and never been serviced.

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat?

You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

4/5 doctors recommend united airlines

You can't beat that!

Why was 1 afraid of 4?

United Airlines.

Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines.

The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.

Southwest Airlines

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

I will never fly virgin airlines again...

They never go all the way.

From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

I was going to watch a documentary on the malaysian airlines

but I was too scared my computer was gonna crash

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.

How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks?

On the rocks

What does R. Kelly have in common with Malaysian Airlines?

They both think they can fly.

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse.

so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

Did he travel with Scandinavian Airlines?

No, he simply vanished into Finnair

What is empty and spins round and round?

A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.

What time is it?

In some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Vacation

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.

Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370.

Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.

Have you heard the new United Airlines motto?

"One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties

He said they punched his rights out.

UA at it again

If you can't beat them, join them.

-English saying

If you can't join them, beat them.

-United Airlines over booking policy

What's another name for the Battle Bus

Virgin Airlines

I sued the airlines after they lost my luggage.

I lost the case.

I refuse to fly Virgin Airlines

I mean what's the point if they aren't going to go all the way.

Last time I flew on Malaysian Airlines, I decided not to shower first.

I figured I could just wash up on shore.

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets.

Because they come pre-beaten.

I love to sleep naked.

...And that's why I am banned from flying united airlines.

My girlfriend has a new fetish...

To be treated like a United Airlines customer

I think my work is boring and not challenging enough...

I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines?

Con Air.

Why did the vulture fly United Airlines?

Because they allow 1 free carrion

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor...

But it got carried away

Unites Airlines newest in-flight cuisine

Chinese Takeout

D.E.L.T.A. Airlines

Didn't Even Leave The Airport

Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines?

The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.

I was going to make a joke about the united airlines...

But someone already beat me to the punch.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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