Following is our collection of alitalia humor and twa one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Airlines puns for adults, dirty jet jokes or clean southwest airlines gags for kids.
There is an abundance of airline jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes on airlines. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any aeroplane witze you can hear about airlines.
That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.
chinese takeout
Beats by Dr.
Beats me.
You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.
I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
^im ^so ^sorry
"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket
-Dan Regan
At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.
Rodney King, that is.
One has dragons and the other has drag-offs
If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
Flight Attendant: "Captain! I think we have a case of human trafficking! There's a lecherous old slob with an immigrant lady on the plane, who looks like she's being taken against her will! Should we bump them off?"
Captain: "For gods sake Patricia! We don't work for United Airlines anymore! This is Air Force one!"
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
United Airlines beat everyone...
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...
And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.
Largest bill for Chinese take out to date
But everyone already United Airlined me to it.
Because their planes are eighteen years old and never been serviced.
....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu
You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.
You can't beat that!
United Airlines.
The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
They never go all the way.
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
but I was too scared my computer was gonna crash
A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.
On the rocks
They both think they can fly.
so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.
No, he simply vanished into Finnair
A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.
In some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.
Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.
"One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"
He said they punched his rights out.
If you can't beat them, join them.
-English saying
If you can't join them, beat them.
-United Airlines over booking policy
Virgin Airlines
I lost the case.
I mean what's the point if they aren't going to go all the way.
I figured I could just wash up on shore.
They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.
Because they come pre-beaten.
...And that's why I am banned from flying united airlines.
To be treated like a United Airlines customer
I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
Con Air.
Because they allow 1 free carrion
They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!
But it got carried away
Chinese Takeout
Didn't Even Leave The Airport
The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.
But someone already beat me to the punch.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.