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Airlines Jokes

165 airlines jokes and hilarious airlines puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about airlines that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with these hilarious jokes about airlines! From Spirit Airlines to Southwest Airlines and even Delta, Frontier, United and American Airlines, these jokes about air travel will have you in stitches. From carrion to in-flight experiences and Alitalia, these jokes will keep the fun rolling!

Funniest Airlines Short Jokes

Short airlines jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The airlines humour may include short airliner jokes also.

  1. Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
  2. Malaysian Airlines and United should merge That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.
  3. UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout
  4. My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?
    Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.
  5. BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
  6. I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes... The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
  7. I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, I want to sue the airline. You don't have much of a case, he replied.
  8. Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines ceo Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
  9. A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court Apparently he lost his case
  10. Nerd joke A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

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Airlines One Liners

Which airlines one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with airlines? I can suggest the ones about air travel and airline name.

  1. How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
  2. Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.
  3. Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
    ^im ^so ^sorry
  4. What do you call a plane that flies backwards? A receding airline.
  5. United Airlines will treat you like a King! Rodney King, that is.
  6. Know a guy who took an airline to court over missing luggage... ...He lost his case
  7. "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.
  8. What's the deal with airline food these days... nothing but knuckle sandwiches.
  9. How To Become a Millionaire: Be a billionaire and invest in an airline company.
  10. A man took an airline to court after they lost his luggage He lost his case
  11. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
  12. I am suing American Airlines for losing my luggage Update: I lost the case
  13. Was going to do United Airlines joke But everyone already United Airlined me to it.
  14. 4/5 doctors recommend united airlines You can't beat that!
  15. Why was 1 afraid of 4? United Airlines.

United Airlines Jokes

Here is a list of funny united airlines jokes and even better united airlines puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
    2)Having an United Airlines ticket
    -Dan Regan
  • On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal. At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.
  • What's the difference between game of thrones and United Airlines? One has dragons and the other has drag-offs
  • It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
  • There was a race to see what company's​ planes flew fastest United Airlines beat everyone...
  • United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane" Largest bill for Chinese take out to date
  • What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat? You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.
  • I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse. so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.
  • Have you heard the new United Airlines motto? "One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"
  • Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties He said they punched his rights out.

Airlines Flight Jokes

Here is a list of funny airlines flight jokes and even better airlines flight puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.
  • I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her... >Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men?
    She responded with
    >Yes, but this time I decided not to pay
  • Unites Airlines newest in-flight cuisine Chinese Takeout
  • Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture board his flight? The airline wouldn't let him check his carrion
  • The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes. It's held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.
  • At the low cost airliner Flight attendant: would you like a drink?
    Passenger: what are the options?
    Flight attendant: yes or no
  • How long is the flight? A Polish man calls up an airline.
    "How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"
    "One minute..."
    "Thank you." *click*
  • Here's a pun: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 I'm sorry, that joke probably didn't land.
  • What did Dr. Dao's head doctor tell him after he got kicked off the United flight? You have an airline fracture
  • What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight? A Ticket
Airlines joke, What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight?

Malaysian Airlines Jokes

Here is a list of funny malaysian airlines jokes and even better malaysian airlines puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks? On the rocks
  • What does R. Kelly have in common with Malaysian Airlines? They both think they can fly.
  • What is empty and spins round and round? A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.
  • Last time I flew on Malaysian Airlines, I decided not to shower first. I figured I could just wash up on shore.
  • Do you want to play a Russian drinking game? It's simple. If you see a Malaysian Airlines jet in the sky, take a shot.
  • Last time I flew Malaysian Airlines I didn't shower first I just figured that I'd wash up on the beach instead.
  • I was going to watch a documentary on the Malaysian Airlines But I couldn't find it.
  • My father said his Computer crashed... I asked him, what he did.
    "I googled 'Malaysian Airlines'", he replied.
  • How much does it cost to shoot down a Malaysian airliner? About a Buk
  • What is the difference between an Malaysian airline plane and a black man? The black man intentionally went missing.

Delta Airlines Jokes

Here is a list of funny delta airlines jokes and even better delta airlines puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I sued Delta Airlines for misplacing my luggage But I lost my case.
  • D.E.L.T.A. Airlines Didn't Even Leave The Airport
  • Say "Unreliable Airline" three times fast. Delta
    Delta
    Delta
  • Delta Airlines is changing their name To Omicron
  • My friend was flying with Delta airlines I told him: "Don't expect luggage to arrive".
    He later informed me his luggage didn't even leave the airport.
  • In an attempt to create synergy, an airline and a beer company merged. It think it was a smart move for the newly formed Alaska Natural Ice. However, I'm less optimistic about Corona Delta.
  • Why's it called delta airlines? Because it's always your 4th choice
  • American airlines, Delta Air Lines, and United Airlines all had a race... United Airlines beat them all, united airlines beats EVERYBODY.
  • Muslims are boycotting Delta... Now making Delta the safest airline
  • So Delta and United Airlines are in a bar... United: "We threw a doctor off our plane!"
    Delta glances around, spies baby....
    Delta: "Hold my beer..."

Spirit Airlines Jokes

Here is a list of funny spirit airlines jokes and even better spirit airlines puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's a ghost's favorite way to travel? Spirit airlines.
  • If you play the United video backwards... It looks like someone boarding a Spirit Airlines flight
  • I was going to say a joke about Spirit Airlines But jokes about flying Spirit sometimes work, sometimes don't. Just like their airplanes.
  • Saw a Steve Jobs doppelganger on a Spirit airlines flight today You could say that he was there, in Spirit.
  • I'm currently on a flight with Spirit Airlines..
Airlines joke, I'm currently on a flight with Spirit Airlines..

Rib-Tickling Airlines Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about airlines you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean airline food jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make airlines pranks.

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists

The head t**... is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.
The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

A man is at the airport. The airline attendant asks the man, "Do you have any baggage?"

He replies, "I haven't talked to my parents in 3 years, I have depression, and I'm still a v**...."

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...
And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines.

The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.

I was going to watch a documentary on the malaysian airlines

but I was too scared my computer was gonna c**...

What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

a receeding airline.... bada boom! The little bros joke book is pure gold haha

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.
*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*
*

Single airline stewardesses are very lucky...

for their convenience all men are already sorted into different classes.

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.

Airline Safety

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies."

They are putting the pilot together right now.

We must follow our policy. . .

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."

I refuse to fly v**... Airlines

I mean what's the point if they aren't going to go all the way.

How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry?

Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I've got a gut-feeling I think that's one industry that will really be taking off.

Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on s**... attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had s**... i**.... He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.
(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

I will never fly v**... airlines again...

They never go all the way.

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.

UA at it again

If you can't beat them, join them.
-English saying
If you can't join them, beat them.
-United Airlines over booking policy

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking w**....

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets.

Because they come pre-beaten.

Did he travel with Scandinavian Airlines?

No, he simply vanished into Finnair

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

A guy is on a trip on a small airline.

The stewardess says, Would you like dinner?
He says, What are my choices?
She says, Yes or no.

Peanut allergy

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his f**....

Why don't airplanes have a 'reverse' drive?

No one wants a receding airline...
I have no idea if airplanes can actually travel in reverse, just go with me folks ;)

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

Why is it called v**... Airlines?

Because their planes are eighteen years old and never been serviced.

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

What's another name for the Battle Bus

v**... Airlines

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

A man was suing an airline for losing his luggage

Unfortunately he lost his case

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage.

I unfortunately lost the case.

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?
Yes, she replied, but I wasn't willing to pay.

I sued the airlines after they lost my luggage.

I lost the case.

Airlines joke, I sued the airlines after they lost my luggage.

jokes about airlines