Airlines Flight Jokes
87 airlines flight jokes and hilarious airlines flight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about airlines flight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Airlines Flight Short Jokes
Short airlines flight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The airlines flight humour may include short airlines jokes also.
- My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?
Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay. - Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket
-Dan Regan - It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
- Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.
- I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her... >Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men?
She responded with
>Yes, but this time I decided not to pay - Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture board his flight? The airline wouldn't let him check his carrion
- The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes. It's held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.
- At the low cost airliner Flight attendant: would you like a drink?
Passenger: what are the options?
Flight attendant: yes or no - How long is the flight? A Polish man calls up an airline.
"How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"
"One minute..."
"Thank you." *click* - What did Dr. Dao's head doctor tell him after he got kicked off the United flight? You have an airline fracture
Share These Airlines Flight Jokes With Friends
Airlines Flight One Liners
Which airlines flight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with airlines flight? I can suggest the ones about air travel and airline passenger.
- Unites Airlines newest in-flight cuisine Chinese Takeout
- Here's a pun: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 I'm sorry, that joke probably didn't land.
- What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight? A Ticket
- Near death experience with united airlines Well it was more of a fight or flight moment
- What's United Airlines most popular in-flight drink? Punch.
- Sometimes my jokes are like Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 They don't land.
- I've booked a flight with Southwest Airlines. I hope it's a blast!
- Milaysia Airlines Flight 370 There is a joke in there somewhere but I can't find it.
- Yo mama is so fat that she has to buy three airline tickets for her flight.
- I just arrived with a United airlines flight The onboard entertainment was a drag.
- Why was 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 was a United Airlines Flight Attendant.
- Today is dragging Like a united airlines flight.
- TWA airlines flight Hostess asks "TWA coffe sir?" "I prefer T thanks!"
- How do you prevent 9/11? Make it a Malaysian airlines flight.
- I'm currently on a flight with Spirit Airlines..
Hilarious Fun Airlines Flight Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about airlines flight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean airline food jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make airlines flight pranks.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
Air traffic controller:
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
"
Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"
Blonde becomes a flight attendent
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Vacation
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the f**... of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor
Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...
And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.
What did the divers find the sunken Korean ferry had hit?
Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
So I'm not showing up to any Halloween parties this year...
I'll be telling everyone I'm Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
Airplane open mic.
Airline pilot is going through his preflight introduction to the passengers.
"I'm Captain Wilson. We will be flying at 30,000 feet and should be in Denver in about 2 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight."
After he is finished, thinking he has turned off the microphone, leans over to the co-pilot and jokes, " I would really like a cup of coffee, and a b**...."
The stewardess upon hearing this in the back of the plane rushes toward the cockpit. As she heads up the aisle, one of the passengers shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
What time is it?
In some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
A little kid on a plane asks a flight attendant, "How come people can have babies, but planes can't have baby planes?"
The flight attendant tells the kid that is a question for the pilot.
She takes the kid to the cockpit and introduces the child to pilot and tells him to ask his question.
The kid asks the pilot "Why do people have babies but planes don't have baby planes?"
The pilot responds, "I can't speak for the other airlines, but this one always pulls out on time."
Why didn't the airline refuse to allow the vulture to board his flight?
Because of the terrible smell coming from his carrion luggage.
Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?
#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.
*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*
*
For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants...
I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Héroes.
They just found the Wings of the Malaysia Airlines Flight 370!
Now they just need to find the Wongs.
Stewardess
Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.
Saw a Steve Jobs doppelganger on a Spirit airlines flight today
You could say that he was there, in Spirit.
What's the difference between a Malaysia Airline flight and Internet Explorer?
None. Eventually, both of them are gonna c**....
Airline Safety
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
We must follow our policy. . .
I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.
An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."
the new United Airlines Olympics commercial is really good
But they forgot the part where Ryan Lochte kicks down the cockpit door and pees all over the flight deck.
If you play the United video backwards...
It looks like someone boarding a Spirit Airlines flight
How do you solve terrorism?
Have them book a United Airlines flight, they will do the rest.
Now I know that if I ever get tired of my right hand....
I can just book a flight with United Airlines.
The doctor on the United Airlines flight could have avoided being beaten so easily.
All he had to do was give the air marshal a Pepsi.
I'm pretty sure the list of passengers to be ejected from that United Airlines flight was...
...doctored.
Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking w**....
You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.
Why doesn't Doctor Who travel with United Airlines?
Because the tardis is faster.
Yeah, you were expecting a joke about that doctor who got kicked off the United Airlines flight, but you were wrong.
WRONG!!!
The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of...
the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.
A massive rabbit aboard a United Airlines flight turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says
"Ehhh, what's up Doc?"
I seem to keep forgetting the name of the airline that does direct flights from America to Indonesia.
I think its Amnesia.
Southwest Airlines
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."
Airline pilot...
An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a b**....
Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.
Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.
As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!
I just flew into town and man are my arms tired....
....I had a window seat on SouthWest airlines. Death grip on the armrests the entire flight.
I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.
They carry so much baggage.
I posted a great joke with a ton of upvotes about Malaysia Airlines Flight 370...
But it's gone and I don't know what happened to it...!
I was on a flight a few weeks ago, and our descent was very turbulent, followed by a hard landing that was quite jarring.
Once on the ground, our flight attendant announced, "Well, folks, that wasn't my fault, and it wasn't the captain's fault, but it was definitely the as-phalt."
The passenger reactions were a mix of chuckles and groans.
Shoutout to our Southwest Airlines flight crew from BUR-LAS flight 4606, good job keeping things safe!
s**... people jokes
A s**... student was copying whatever the teacher writes on the black board, but every time the teacher clears the blackboard he throws away the paper.
2 s**... men were speaking to each other one said 'i am freezing from the air conditioner'' the other replied " i am jack, from Florida''.
A s**... called the airlines to ask how long a flight to China would take, the customer service said '' 1 second'', he said thanks and hanged the phone.
2 stoners were listening to the 9:00 oo'clock news, one asked '' why is this news talking so long'' the other replied ''maybe it's the final episode''
A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot
So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find any of those people on this flight. So sit back and please fasten your seat belts as we will shortly begin our ascent"
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?
Yes, she replied, but I wasn't willing to pay.
An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control
"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard how much noise two airliners make when they collide?"
On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...
"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".
Two hours before landing, another announcement was made. "There are still 80 meals available if anybody is hungry".
A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday...
Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built.
Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I know the abilities of my students quite well... this s**... won't even start".