Airline Pilot Jokes

36 airline pilot jokes and hilarious airline pilot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about airline pilot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Airline Pilot Short Jokes

Short airline pilot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The airline pilot humour may include short airplane pilot jokes also.

  1. NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies." They are putting the pilot together right now.
  2. New Series For The The History Channel The History Channel is planning a new series, Airline Tragedies.
    They are putting the pilot together as I write this.
  3. My Sister recently started dating a depressed German airline pilot She says his personality is really down to earth.
  4. Did you hear about the new airline pilot contract? You will only have to work on Tuesday! 'some guy in the back raises his hand'
    Every Tuesday?
  5. My grandfather was an airline pilot Just last year he passed away peacefully in his sleep. That's exactly how I'd like to die, Not like is screaming passengers in the back..
  6. Air Asia Accident - java reference So some remains of the Air Asia Airline were found in the Java sea.
    Guess the pilot didnt C#.
  7. Did you hear about the gay airline pilots? They gave each other a kiss behind the hangers.
  8. I want to make a series about the m**... of an airline crew but I still have to shoot the pilot.
  9. Why did the homeless airline pilot land in a furniture store? He wanted to c**... on their couch.

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Airline Pilot One Liners

Which airline pilot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with airline pilot? I can suggest the ones about aircraft pilot and pilot flight attendant.

  1. How do recognize an airline pilot in the room? ohh, he will tell you.
  2. An airline pilot and a woman walk into a bar. The airline pilot is also a woman.
  3. What's an airline pilots favourite crisp flavour? Plain
  4. Why did no one recognize the airline pilot? Because he was the master of disguise.
  5. What do you call an alcoholic airline pilot? A flying saucer.
  6. I wanted to become an airline pilot, but do you want to know what I became? h**... positive

Cheerful Airline Pilot Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about airline pilot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pilot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make airline pilot pranks.

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Airline Safety

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?
It was 1959 , says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."

A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists

The head t**... is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.
The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.
Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the other passengers to try to see out the window. Because of the sudden shift in weight, the pilot lost control, and the plane crashed, killing everyone aboard.
The official report said that the accident was due to instability caused by poles in the right half plane.

Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on s**... attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had s**... i**.... He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.
(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot

So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find any of those people on this flight. So sit back and please fasten your seat belts as we will shortly begin our ascent"

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard how much noise two airliners make when they collide?"

A Soviet airline pilot had to land in East Berlin, but couldn't find the airport.

Finally the German ground controller snapped and asked him: "Have you EVER flown to Berlin?"
The Soviet pilot says "Yes, many times, but we didn't land there."

A little kid on a plane asks a flight attendant, "How come people can have babies, but planes can't have baby planes?"

The flight attendant tells the kid that is a question for the pilot.
She takes the kid to the cockpit and introduces the child to pilot and tells him to ask his question.
The kid asks the pilot "Why do people have babies but planes don't have baby planes?"
The pilot responds, "I can't speak for the other airlines, but this one always pulls out on time."

Air traffic controller:
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a b**....
Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.
Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.
As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how
successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich
he gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so
rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development
company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became
and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not
becoming successful.
" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.
" Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from
3 of his boyfriends..." .
All the 3 Ladies fainted ....

Airplane open mic.

Airline pilot is going through his preflight introduction to the passengers.
"I'm Captain Wilson. We will be flying at 30,000 feet and should be in Denver in about 2 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight."
After he is finished, thinking he has turned off the microphone, leans over to the co-pilot and jokes, " I would really like a cup of coffee, and a b**...."
The stewardess upon hearing this in the back of the plane rushes toward the cockpit. As she heads up the aisle, one of the passengers shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"