The Best 65 Airline Jokes

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

Nerd joke

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

A man is at the airport. The airline attendant asks the man, "Do you have any baggage?"

He replies, "I haven't talked to my parents in 3 years, I have depression, and I'm still a virgin."

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her...

>Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men?

She responded with

>Yes, but this time I decided not to pay

"I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time."

Said the Malaysian shark.

What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

a receeding airline.... bada boom! The little bros joke book is pure gold haha

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*

Single airline stewardesses are very lucky...

for their convenience all men are already sorted into different classes.

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?

I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.

Captain, shut up and land the plane.

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Airline Safety

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.

Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"

"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies."

They are putting the pilot together right now.

We must follow our policy. . .

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.

Say "Unreliable Airline" three times fast.

Delta
Delta
Delta

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."

Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

New Series For The The History Channel

The History Channel is planning a new series, Airline Tragedies.

They are putting the pilot together as I write this.

How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry?

Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I've got a gut-feeling I think that's one industry that will really be taking off.

Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.

(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

Trump proposed new regulations for the airline industry...

Because even Hitler didn't remove passengers with reserved seats.

What's the deal with airline food these days...

nothing but knuckle sandwiches.

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.

A guy is on a trip on a small airline.

The stewardess says, Would you like dinner?

He says, What are my choices?

She says, Yes or no.

Know a guy who took an airline to court over missing luggage...

...He lost his case

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, I want to sue the airline.

You don't have much of a case, he replied.

Peanut allergy

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

Why don't airplanes have a 'reverse' drive?

No one wants a receding airline...

I have no idea if airplanes can actually travel in reverse, just go with me folks ;)

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.

Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

The airline smashed my luggage

so I asked my lawyer if I could sue them... he said, "you don't have much of a case".

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot

So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find any of those people on this flight. So sit back and please fasten your seat belts as we will shortly begin our ascent"

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

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A man was suing an airline for losing his luggage

Unfortunately he lost his case

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage.

I unfortunately lost the case.

A man took an airline to court after they lost his luggage

He lost his case

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she replied, but I wasn't willing to pay.

How To Become a Millionaire:

Be a billionaire and invest in an airline company.

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you and thanked the Lord you're alive?

I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again.

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?

It was 1959 , says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."

A man who sued an airline for misplacing his luggage

Unfortunataly lost his case.

I haven't seen my friend since he started working for Finland's national airline

He disappeared into Finnair.

I showed my lawyer my ripped up bag and asked if I could sue the airline.

He said, You don't have much of a case.

The zipper on my jeans came off just before I was about to get on the plane to go on vacation and the airline wouldn't board me.

They said I was on the no fly list.

Did you guys hear Djokovic started an airline for the unvaccinated?

It's called Novaks Airlines.

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard how much noise two airliners make when they collide?"

I hate jokes about airline crashes

They're just plane awful.

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

Sure, I said, as long as you provide your own kennel.

I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the other passengers to try to see out the window. Because of the sudden shift in weight, the pilot lost control, and the plane crashed, killing everyone aboard.

The official report said that the accident was due to instability caused by poles in the right half plane.

What do you call a plane that flies backwards?

A receding airline.

If they serve you snacks before your plane has finished ascending..

..are you getting fed up with airline food?

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture board his flight?

The airline wouldn't let him check his carrion

I ate some airline food recently

It was really plane

Had some airline food the other day

I guess you could say it flew right thru me

Airline stewardess: Would you like some headphones?

Passenger: Yes, of course I would! How did you know my name was phones?

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.

The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping in the sky.

One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him for com- fort. Can't you do something? she demanded. I'm sorry, ma'am, said the reverend gently. I'm in sales, not management.