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Aircraft Pilot Jokes

26 aircraft pilot jokes and hilarious aircraft pilot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about aircraft pilot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Aircraft Pilot Short Jokes

Short aircraft pilot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The aircraft pilot humour may include short airplane pilot jokes also.

  1. I just got off an aeroplane piloted by an all female flight crew. It was an unmanned aircraft.
  2. Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog... The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls.

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Aircraft Pilot One Liners

Which aircraft pilot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with aircraft pilot? I can suggest the ones about airline pilot and fighter pilot.

  1. What sort of aircraft does the Asian pilot who loves to greet people fly? A herrocopter

Aircraft Pilot Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about aircraft pilot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean helicopter pilot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make aircraft pilot pranks.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.
Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the other passengers to try to see out the window. Because of the sudden shift in weight, the pilot lost control, and the plane crashed, killing everyone aboard.
The official report said that the accident was due to instability caused by poles in the right half plane.

One flight passenger to another: "The pilot is an idiot, he believes his aircraft was a communist leader." "What makes you think so?" asks the other.

"I overheard him yelling 'The plane is Stalin! The plane is Stalin!'"

A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:
Press this button to takeoff.
Press this button to turn the plane right.
Press this button to turn the plane left.
Pressing this button to go up.

At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.

But how will we bring the plane down?

The instructor took a deep breath and said "Do not worry about it and leave this job to Pakistan"

One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2

His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes.
Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers right out of the sky.
The teacher said, I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. I know you kids are giggling but I want to be clear that a Fokker is a type of aircraft.
The Ace said, certainmont, cherie. But zees fawkers were flying Mescherschmits.

A yooper WW2 Fighter Pilot visited a school to talk about his service

"In 19 and 42, da situation was really tough. The Germans, dey had a very strong Air Force. I remember dis one day I was protectin' da b**... and suddenly, from outta da clouds, dese fokkers appeared."
*At this point, several of the children giggle*
"I looked up, and right above me was one of da fokkers. I aimed at him and shot dat fokker down. Da fokkers was everywhere, dere was anoder fokker right behind me."
The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company"
"Ya... ya... dat's true!" says the old pilot, "but dese fokkers was flyin' Messerschmidts."

Helicopter c**...

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!!!"
"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!"

Some American pilots challenged their Russian counterparts to find out whose planes are faster.

The Americans took the latest supersonic aircraft, but the Russians managed to get only an old, decommissioned Kukuruznik and tied it to the American plane with rope.
After takeoff, an American crewmember said to his commander:
"Sir, the Russians are right behind us!"
"What is our speed?"
"400 mph!"
"Raise to 500!"
"Sir, the Russians aren't falling behind!"
"Raise to 600!"
"Sir, I'm afraid we will lose!"
"Why?"
"They still haven't retracted their landing gear yet!"

A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This flight is completely full, so if you could please store your bags, find those remaining empty middle seats and settle in and clear the aisle as quickly as possible, hopefully we can close the aircraft door and push back before my mother-in-law gets here".

Plane Trip

A plane is crashing, carrying a Mexican, A Frenchman, and an American, and the pilots need to lighten up the load. So they ask the passengers to toss unimportant items out of the aircraft. The frenchman picks up a croissant and says "we have to many of these in our country, " and throws it out the window. the Mexican picks up a Burrito and says " we have to many of these in our country," and throws it out the window. The American picks up the Mexican and says "Here, we have to many of these in our country," and throws him out the window.

WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans' Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his eyes lit up and he became animated, swooping his hand gracefully through the air to simulate the various paths his plane took.
Speaking with a slight Cockney accent he explained, Then I seen this fokker comin' right at me from one o'clock, so I dives and turns right and comes up right behind him. I fired my guns and blew that fokker right out of the air! Then I sees two more of them fokkers comin' up from below, at seven o'clock, so's I….
Just then, the teacher, Mrs. Johnson, interrupts with, I think we should explain to the sixth graders that Fokker was a type of German aircraft.
Oh no Miss. They waz flyin' Messerschmitts.

Lost Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

HELISOFT

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

All-Female Crew

As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.
"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."
"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."
"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are all women in command."
"I must see this for myself," said the passenger. "Please take me to the cockpit."
"We don't call it that any more, sir," replied the stewardess.

One last time

On a flight from London to New York, a lightening strike takes out an engine.
The pilot calmly announces "Ladies and gentleman, due to storm conditions we have lost an engine. Please dont worry, the remaining engine is fine and we will be landing at JFK in about 90 minutes."
20 minutes later another bolt of listening takes out the remaining engine and the powerless aircraft is losing altitude.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, we have lost our remaining engine, it doesn't look good, we are losing altitude and will fall into the Atlantic in approximately 10 minutes. May God have mercy on us all."
Upon hearing this, the chief stewardess bursts into the cockpit "Captain is it true?!" She says.
"Afraid so Cindy." He says.
She looks at him and tears off her blouse "Captain, before we die, make me feel like a woman one last time."
The pilot rips off his shirt, gives it to the stewardess and says to her "Here you go, iron this."

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles.

As the crew 
is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.
"Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours," argues the first hunter.
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.
Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other.
"Any idea where we are?"
The first replies, "I'd say we're pretty close to where we crashed last time."

Variation of the hot air balloon joke

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how did the sign help determine their position. The pilot responded "Well the response they gave me was technically correct, but completely useless, so I knew that had to be the Microsoft building."

This is Captain Sinclair speaking.
On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message.
Have a good flight!

An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the c**... a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

Here is an actual list of aircraft problems reported by pilots at the end of the day for the mechanics to fix before takeoff the next day followed by the notes the mechanics left for the pilots to read the next morning.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York.


The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots.
The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says:
Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...
Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"