Aircraft Jokes

Following is our collection of aviation humor and airways one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Aircraft puns for adults, dirty airborne jokes or clean aeroplane gags for kids.

There is an abundance of pilot jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 47 funniest jokes on aircraft. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any aircraft carrier uss lincoln witze you can hear about aircraft.

The Best jokes about Aircraft

Wanna hear a physics pun?

If an aircraft always takes off at an angle, doesn't that make it an inclined plane?

A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.

**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!

**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

Air Traffic Control

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles.

As the crew 
is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.

"Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours," argues the first hunter.

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.

Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other.
"Any idea where we are?"

The first replies, "I'd say we're pretty close to where we crashed last time."


Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans' Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his eyes lit up and he became animated, swooping his hand gracefully through the air to simulate the various paths his plane took.

Speaking with a slight Cockney accent he explained, Then I seen this fokker comin' right at me from one o'clock, so I dives and turns right and comes up right behind him. I fired my guns and blew that fokker right out of the air! Then I sees two more of them fokkers comin' up from below, at seven o'clock, so's I….

Just then, the teacher, Mrs. Johnson, interrupts with, I think we should explain to the sixth graders that Fokker was a type of German aircraft.

Oh no Miss. They waz flyin' Messerschmitts.

I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.

Looked pretty plane to me.

The Amazing City of Paris

During a trip to France, my sister sat next to me on the aircraft. Looking outside the window, I couldn't help but sigh at the amazing beauty of Paris.

Me: "Ah... How I'd love to be born in Paris."

Her: "I wouldn't."

Confused, I asked her: "Why not?"

Her: "Because I don't speak French."

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty.

My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was curled over a trash can trying to control his stomach the chef pipes up:

"If you think that's bad you oughta be here the day we make donuts"

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet

In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.


Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.


What time is it?

In some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Why did the Wright brothers turn their aircraft 90 degrees west when their dad walked in the cockpit?

because three Wrights make a left.

The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.

Why is an aircraft painted?

To prevent it from looking **plane**.



45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

Air Force One crashes in a field..

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Crossword Puzzle Pope

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.

I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.

The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything, your Eminence ... What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"


One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that's spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It's a Palin drone...

All-Female Crew

As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are all women in command."

"I must see this for myself," said the passenger. "Please take me to the cockpit."

"We don't call it that any more, sir," replied the stewardess.

THE NEW RECRUIT

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

What is the friendliest kind of aircraft?

A Hello-copter.

Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers?

They're all about force projection.

More changes to the military

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.

Are there any questions?"

A Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...

"How much for a season pass?"

God bless the Marine Corps!!!

My friend is obsessed with aircraft carriers

He warships them

Light aircraft crashes in Scotland!

Two kilt

A large plane crashed...

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.


The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.


"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

How do the Taliban power their aircraft?

Wind Turbans

One flight passenger to another: "The pilot is an idiot, he believes his aircraft was a communist leader." "What makes you think so?" asks the other.

"I overheard him yelling 'The plane is Stalin! The plane is Stalin!'"

I often hear of aircraft been taken out of action by bird strikes.

What I want to know is, what does their union even want?

I once saw a sign that said "Speed limit enforced by aircraft."

I'm pretty sure if you're getting pulled over by an F-16, you deserve to be driving that fast.

Did you hear about the French explorer who crashed his aircraft into a Canadian lake?

He drank too much Champlain.

What do you call a nautical plunderer who assists with the flight of an aircraft?

A co-pirate

Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel

Jane Scare

Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence

Wuthering Flights


(I do apologise for this)

Helicopter Crash

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend


The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.


Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.


The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!!!"


"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!"

What's common to the cockpit of a modern fighter aircraft and the inside of a headhunter's hut?

The heads-up display

My great grandfather once worked in a WW2 aircraft factory.

*"Our factory closed down on account of increased B-24 production"*, he said.

*"Why is that?"*, I asked. *"Did the military favor the B-24 over your aircraft?"*

*"The military hated the B-24!"*, he snapped back. *"It always flew above flak and our Focke-Wulfs couldn't hit them either."*

Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog...

The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls.

The FAA has determined that it will never need to ground a Boeing aircraft again.

The planes can clearly ground themselves!

Some American pilots challenged their Russian counterparts to find out whose planes are faster.

The Americans took the latest supersonic aircraft, but the Russians managed to get only an old, decommissioned Kukuruznik and tied it to the American plane with rope.

After takeoff, an American crewmember said to his commander:

"Sir, the Russians are right behind us!"

"What is our speed?"

"400 mph!"

"Raise to 500!"

"Sir, the Russians aren't falling behind!"

"Raise to 600!"

"Sir, I'm afraid we will lose!"

"Why?"

"They still haven't retracted their landing gear yet!"

A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will we bring the plane down?



The instructor took a deep breath and said "Do not worry about it and leave this job to Pakistan"

Did you hear about that new film on the B-17 aircraft?

It bombed

What's the raddest aircraft?

The *hella*copter

What sort of aircraft does the Asian pilot who loves to greet people fly?

A herrocopter

How to you tell a naval officer from and RAF officer on an aircraft carrier?

The naval officer is trying to feed bread to the helicopters!

United has a new offer out!

You can get thrown off their aircraft for free!
It's absolutely unbeatable!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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