Air Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Air puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Air

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: this isn't deodorant

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.

Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.

Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

What are the options?

Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"

Passenger: "What are the options?"

Air Hostess: "Yes and No."

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**Β 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**Β 
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**Β 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**Β 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"

My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"

I replied, "my life."

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?

To get a breath of filtered air.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

A panda walks into a bar...

And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'

A girl came to me today...

...and told me she will have sex with me if I advertise some random liquid detergent. Of course I said no, after all I'm a powerful man with high standards. As powerful as the new Ajax detergent, which offers a unique freshness, activated on air contact.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC...

There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected

I just went to the Air & Space museum.

Man do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.

I don't get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

I smell maple syrup!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .









molasses."

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?"

I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"

Why does it cost $1.50 now to put air in my tires?

Inflation?

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.

The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.

The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

She is not a fan.

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.

The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .

"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.

I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.

Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

They call it Elon's Musk.

My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air

I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

Go fly a kite

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, "you need more tail!"

The father turns to his son and says, "I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite."

Got my girlfriend today while airing up a tire

Her- "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

Me- "Inflation"

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."

The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. All I can smell is molasses!"

FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

How is sex like air?

It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

I quite enjoy blowing air around a room.

In fact, I'm a big fan.

Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.

Air Force One gets caught in a storm in the midwest

And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.

"Did you see the plane crash?" asked the EMTs.

"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.

"None of them survived?"

"Well, the president said he did, but you know what a liar he is."

Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air Force.

My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

I thought for my whole life that air was free...

...then I bought a bag of chips.

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

A little kid walks into his parents' bedroom while they're having sex

The little boy asked, "What are you doing?"

His mother explains, "Your dad was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out."

The boy says, "That's really funny. Whenever you go out for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

Whenever I'm at the therapist's waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I'm a fan.

"I'm thinking of running a marathon again." I told my friend.

"You've run a marathon before?" she asked, with an air of admiration.

I said, "No, but I've thought about it."

Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

What are two things in the Air that can make a Girl pregnant

Her legs...

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...

"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."

Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."

And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.

The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".

The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.

A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

A Spanish magician was showing a trick..

"For my next trick, I'll disappear into thin air. Uno, dos."

And he vanished without a tres!

I started a cold air balloon business.

I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

I nearly jumped 10 feet in the air during my first prostate exam.

Good thing the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders.

Just heard this on the radio. May the censors have mercy on their soul. [NSFW]

On a Sunday school, the teacher asks the class: "Class, what body party goes to heaven first?"

One kid answers, "It's the feet!"

"Why is it the feet?" the confused teacher asks.

The kid replies, "Because last night I found Mommy with her feet in the air screaming 'Oh God yes...heaven...I'm coming!' "

My daughter came up to me and said

My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."

Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"

A man is with his wife who's filling up their flat tire with air...

"Since when do you need to pay to fill up a tire?" says the wife.


"I don't know," replies the husband. "But I'm sure it has something to do with inflation."

[OC] Why did Pavlov ring a bell every time a breeze entered his room?

Air Conditioning

What's the most american US military branch?

the Air Force. They're USAF.

Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low…

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

I looked at her and winked, "Inflation."

9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.


He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."


"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."


"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

A nun asked in church class, which part of the body comes to heaven first?!

So Johnny immediately replied: "Must be the legs!"
The nun is startled and asks: "Why do you think that, Johnny?"
And Johnny replies: "Last night I saw mom in bed with her legs in the air screaming "Oh, god... I'm coming!!!". If dad hadn't been pounding her to the bed so furiously, we would lose her forever!"

What do sex and air have in common?

It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any.


Heard on the radio.

Flight Report

Flight Attendant: "Captain! I think we have a case of human trafficking! There's a lecherous old slob with an immigrant lady on the plane, who looks like she's being taken against her will! Should we bump them off?"




Captain: "For gods sake Patricia! We don't work for United Airlines anymore! This is Air Force one!"

Air Hostess : Can i offer you free head phones?

Guy : Definitely but how do you know my name is Phones???

My girlfriend is a magician...

She creates problems out of thin air

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes