Aids Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Aids puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Aids

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

All my years of phone sex finally caught up with me

I have hearing aids

All those years of phone sex has caught up with me...

I now have hearing aids


An old couple is sitting in church

The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do."

"Put new batteries in your hearing aids."

My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party.

I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.

I tried phone sex today

I ended up with hearing aids

Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!"

Doctor: "You have AIDS."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."

Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."


What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised

I thought I would go and help out in Africa

...turns out they have enough aids.

What do you call a sugar daddy with HIV?

Financial AIDS

A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

What do we want?

Hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Hearing aids!

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

A man is dying of cancer...

But he tells everyone he's dying of aids

His son asks him why.

He replies "So no one will have sex with my wife when I'm gone"

I had unprotected phone sex once...

Now I have hearing aids.

"What do we want?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"


An elderly couple are sitting in a church

The man lets out a silent fart while the priest is talking.

He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent fart, everyone here will smell it. What do I do?"

His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji! As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.

She agreed, and the guru had the best sex of his life with the woman.

Then the guru asked Tell me, my child. what is your ailment? . I have AIDS replied the woman.

Which STD is transmitted through sound?

Hearing aids

What do you get from having too much phone sex?

hearing AIDS

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

I have AIDS and Alzheimer's

Thank goodness I don't have AIDS

Went to the doctor today and my many years of phone sex has finally caught up with me.

I have hearing AIDS now.

Most people get AIDS from sex

Bill Clinton got sex from aides

How was the first ever HIV patient treated.

With a first aids kit.

Old lady in a fancy restaurant leans over to her hubby and says , I've done a silent fart what should I do?

Husband says 'change the batteries in your hearing aids

You have to be careful if you're going to have phone sex.

You might get hearing aids.

My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction.

I told him that didn't sound like a good trade.

I used to have phone sex

now I have hearing aids

Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS?

It never gets old.

Two old ladies were attending a church service

And about half way through one says:

"I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

The other woman proceeds to lean over slowly and say:

"Put some new batteries in your bloody hearing aids!"

Life expectancy of AIDS patients can be 30-40 years.

No wonder all the africans want to get it, it could triple the length of their lives.

A mother finds out she has cancer

A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.

"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.

The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.

At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."

Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.

"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"

Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."

a husband is about to die...

he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make

-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "

everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.

when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:

-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"

the man turns to his wife and says.

-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".

I used to be a phone sex operator,

But I got hearing aids.

Classic church joke

An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband responded, "Change the batteries in your hearing aids."

Three men with hearing aids are walking down the street

One of them says,
"Brr, it's windy today, ain't it?"
The second man responds,
"No, it's Thursday you idiot."
The last one says,
"Me too, let's go get a drink."

No matter what they tell you, ear sex simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids

I was pretty sure my girlfriend didn't have AIDS...

but now I'm positive.

If you're African you will get this: (WARNING: racist)

AIDS

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

Get AIDS from a toilet seat

A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?


The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids?

Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

What do you call the patient zero for HIV

First aids

I had phone sex once...

It gave me hearing AIDS

An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Call from the doctor's office

"Mrs. Smith, this the your family doctor's office. When we sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

So she wouldn't get hearing aids.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS.

I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

How did Aids originally jump from chimpanzees to humans?

Tarzan was not a virgin when he met jane

I guess all that phone sex has caught up to me in my old age,

I now have Hearing AIDS

What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."

"What is HAGS" the man asks.

"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.

"Oh my God," says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me?" asks the man.

"No," says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."

Why is having phone sex such a bad idea?

There's a good chance you'll get hearing AIDS

People think listening to a really great song and having an eargasm is great

Thats until you get hearing aids

The whole town is in trouble!! A joke, old yet good..

A boy called up his mom from hospital, Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.

Mom, What? Don't come back home son, go away.

Boy Why mom, I'm your son.

Mom, You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister…

And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.

I had phone sex last night.

Now I have hearing aids.

Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now?

Yea, he was doing Magic.

What should you do if your Wife tells you that she has AIDS?

Act surprised.

I tried phone sex once

Ended up getting hearing aids

Did you hear about the sexually promiscuous deaf person?

Turns out he got hearing aids.

What's the best thing about AIDS?

You're always positive

How do you cure aids?

You put it into world leaders.

Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.

Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"

The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."

Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."

"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"

Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."

"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."

A problem shared is a problem halved.

Unless it's aids

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa are sitting at church on Easter Sunday, and Grandma leans over and whispers, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"

Grandpa leans back and replies, "You should get new batteries for your hearing aids!"

John: Doctor I heard you can get AIDS in the public toilets. Is this true?

Doctor: I mean... yeah, but it's uncomfortable.

I was shocked when the doctor said i had HIV in my ears.

Turns out i just need hearing aids.

I slept with a bank manager

and got financial aids

My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked.

The hardest part is acting surprised.

Don't have phone sex....

You could get hearing aids.

A man goes to the doctor to get the test results he'd been waiting on...

And he asked the doc, "So how'd the tests go?" The doctor says with a solemn look, "Not well. I'm afraid have bad news, and I have worse news. Which would you like first?" After pausing for a moment the patient says "Just give me the worst news first." The doctor obliges and tells him, "Well there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. You have AIDS." The patient is stunned and replies, "Wow.. I... Wow that's terrible. And you have even more bad news for me?" The doctor says "Unfortunately yes. The test results showed that you have Alzheimer's disease." The patient looks relieved and replies, "Well that's not that bad. At least I don't have AIDS!"

HAGS disease

"I am afraid you have HAGS disease," the doctor explained, "That is Herpes, Aids, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis, so we are immediately putting you on a pizza and pancake diet."

"Those foods will cure me?" he is asked.

"No," says the doctor, "But those foods we can slide under the door to the room we are locking you up in!"

What do you call a queue of people waiting for hearing aids to be fitted?

Deaf row

Nike has come out with a bra that aids virgin boys.

Just Undo It.

What is the biggest danger to an ear f*cker?

Hearing AIDS.

How did the tugboat get AIDS?

It was rear-ended by a ferry.

A Freddie Mercury Joke

If you had sex with Freddie Mercury and got AIDS, would that be considered Mercury poisoning?

What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?

Hearing AIDS.

TIL HIV can cause hearing loss.

I guess the patients must have hearing aids.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes