Aids Jokes
139 aids jokes and hilarious aids puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about aids that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the many different types of "Aids jokes", from jokes about hearing aids, HIV/AIDS, and Cat AIDS, to more serious jokes about STD's like syphilis, malaria, and chlamydia. Learn why 'Aids jokes' are so popular in different cultures and discover some of the funniest examples.
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Funniest Aids Short Jokes
Short aids jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The aids humour may include short helps jokes also.
- An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
- What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
- My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
- British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
- My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
- There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
- Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "What's the good news?"
Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS." - What's the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump? Trump would've charged for the kool-aid.
- My dad bought himself a new hearing aid. "It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty." - A group of deaf people get together to protest The group begins chanting
What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids!
Share These Aids Jokes With Friends
Aids One Liners
Which aids one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with aids? I can suggest the ones about syphilis and diabetes.
- What kind of STD's do fish get? Merm-aids
- What STD do sailors get the most? Merm-aids
(Inspired by a Family Guy joke) - What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS? acting surprised
- I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic. Everybody is so positive.
- I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher.
- Which STD is transmitted through sound? Hearing aids
- I have AIDS and Alzheimer's Thank goodness I don't have AIDS
- What do you give a sick lemon? lemon-Aid
- Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
- I sent my hearing aids in for repairs three weeks ago I haven't heard anything since
- What do you call first aid on a pirate ship? Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!
- I was pretty sure my girlfriend didn't have AIDS... but now I'm positive.
- What should you do if your Wife tells you that she has AIDS? Act surprised.
- What do you get when you ask a lemon for help? Lemon aid
- What's the best thing about AIDS? You're always positive
Hearing Aids Jokes
Here is a list of funny hearing aids jokes and even better hearing aids puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandma got a new hearing aid. It was $5, she said.
What kind is it? I asked.
Ten-o-clock. - my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid "it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm" - The hearing-aid A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter.
Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate.
Waiter: What? - People think listening to a really great song and having an eargasm is great Thats until you get hearing aids
- My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully - That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$ - When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid... ... she becomes a Def Leppard
- Would the man who lost his hearing aid PLEASE come and retrieve it at the lost and found
- What do you call a queue of people waiting for hearing aids to be fitted? Deaf row
- What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends? Hearing AIDS.
- What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear? Hearing AIDS
Aids Or Alzheimers Jokes
Here is a list of funny aids or alzheimers jokes and even better aids or alzheimers puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The doctor told me I have AIDS and Alzheimer's... But hey, at least I don't have AIDS.
- What did the Ethiopian with Alzheimer's ask the foreign aid worker? What time do we eat?
Cat Aids Jokes
Here is a list of funny cat aids jokes and even better cat aids puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the cat want to become a nurse? He wanted to be a first aid kit.
- Why did the cat join the Red Cross ? It wanted to be a first aid kit.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Aids Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about aids you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean virus jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make aids pranks.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
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Aids...
-What would prevent AIDS from spreading in Africa?
-s**... only after lunch
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Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now?
Yea, he was doing Magic.
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What is the biggest danger to an ear f*cker?
Hearing AIDS.
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Did you hear about the s**... promiscuous deaf person?
Turns out he got hearing aids.
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Aids or Alzheimer's
A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."
"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have s**... with her."
Why did the fruit turn into a vegetable?
It got AIDS
Oldie and offensive to some I know. But it made me chuckle.
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The Philandering Duck
This swinging philandering duck suddenly became conscious of the danger of acquiring AIDS through s**... promiscuity.
To put himself at ease he went to his local druggist and asked for a c**.... "How much will that be?" asked the duck. "1 dollar and 19 cents" replied the druggist. "Would you like me to put this on your bill"? "What kind of a duck to you think I am"? replied the duck.
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A Freddie Mercury Joke
If you had s**... with Freddie Mercury and got AIDS, would that be considered Mercury poisoning?
My ex-girlfriend called me to let me know she had AIDS...
I didn't know how to console her and make her feel better, so I just said, "I know."
I keep telling my Grandma that she needs hearing aids...
...but she just won't listen.
The Greatest Old Guy Joke of all Time
There was an old guy who took suppositories as a medication. One time he went to a resaurant with his wife, she said,"What is a suppository doing in your ear." The old man says,"Oh! now I know where my hearing aids are!"
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Three men with hearing aids are walking down the street
One of them says,
"Brr, it's windy today, ain't it?"
The second man responds,
"No, it's Thursday you idiot."
The last one says,
"Me too, let's go get a drink."
A girl asked me if I had AIDS...
I said: "Uh, I don't think you can get that from a goat."
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS.
I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."
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My ex is so s**......
that if she had s**... with a guy with Ebola, he would die of AIDS first.
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My s**... life is ruined
Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my s**... life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!
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The lab results are in!
Phone rings.
— Hello? Is this Miss Smedley?
— Yes? Who is this?
— This is the hospital. The lab results are in for your husband. But there is a problem.
— Oh?
— There was a mix-up in the lab, and we're not sure whether your husband has AIDS or alzheimer's.
— But that's terrible? What should we do?
— Send him on a walk, and if he comes back, do not have s**... with him.
How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Guys, you CAN catch AIDS from a toilet seat!
If you sit down before the other guy gets up.
I told my grandpa he should wear his hearing aids
but he won't listen
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So a lepper hires a p**......
... And theyre going at it, having a good time. He finishes, and she turns to him and says:
"I've something to admit. I have AIDS."
He responds: "Oh, no biggie, it stayed inside you anyways."
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What do you call Jews with h**...?
Financial AIDS.
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What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer?
Depends what you smoke.
(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)
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I had unprotected phone s**... once...
Now I have hearing aids.
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How do you cure aids?
You put it into world leaders.
Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.
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What do Aids, s**... and Chlamydia have in common?
Your mom.
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HAGS disease
"I am afraid you have HAGS disease," the doctor explained, "That is h**..., Aids, Gonorrhea, and s**..., so we are immediately putting you on a pizza and pancake diet."
"Those foods will cure me?" he is asked.
"No," says the doctor, "But those foods we can slide under the door to the room we are locking you up in!"
a husband is about to die...
he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make
-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "
everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.
when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:
-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"
the man turns to his wife and says.
-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".
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I had s**... last night...
Her: You don't have AIDS, right?
Me: Of course not, why?
Her: Oh thank goodness! I got it last time and it really s**....
What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common
They both take risks and get positive results
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What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
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What is the only result for Ear-r**...?
Hearing AIDS.
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A woman asked a female doctor if she had aids ...
"Yes, I do. They're busy now, but they'll be with you shortly."
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How did the cheerleader get magic AIDS?
A Magic Johnson.
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Get AIDS from a toilet seat
A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?
The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How was the first ever h**... patient treated.
With a first aids kit.
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Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get hearing aids.
My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked.
The hardest part is acting surprised.
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"Doctor, I heard one can get AIDS in the public toilets! Is that true?!"
"Doctor, I heard one can get AIDS in the public toilets! Is that true?!"
"Yes, it is possible, but quite uncomfortable."
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A man is dying of cancer...
But he tells everyone he's dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies "So no one will have s**... with my wife when I'm gone"
What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine?
A porcupines needle won't give you AIDS
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People here take so much for granted.
If you took away someone's car, house and clothes, They'd have nothing. But if you did the same to someone from one of the poorest countries, they'd probably still have aids.
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What's the difference between a playing card and Africa?
One is the ace of s**..., the other is the space of aids.
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Water.....I have news for you.
The poor bottle water notice he was red, it felt nauseous, it had diarrhea, and it had a sweet taste in its mouth. He went to the clinic to see what was wrong with him. But the doctor had bad news. He said" I'm sorry water, but you have **Kool** aids."
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You have to be careful if you're going to have phone s**....
You might get hearing aids.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you get from having too much phone s**...?
hearing AIDS
John: Doctor I heard you can get AIDS in the public toilets. Is this true?
Doctor: I mean... yeah, but it's uncomfortable.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases
One kid wrote:
1. h**..., AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /
The teacher asked what's '/' ?
Student replied it's a s**....
What has aids and flies?
Africa.
A mother finds out she has cancer
A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."
My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction.
I told him that didn't sound like a good trade.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What did the h**... infested group of singers give to the groupie?
Band Aids
What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids?
Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How did Aids originally jump from chimpanzees to humans?
Tarzan was not a v**... when he met jane
What do you not say to someone going on for an AIDS test?
Think positive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Most people get AIDS from s**...
Bill Clinton got s**... from aides
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What do you call a sugar daddy with h**...?
Financial AIDS
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Just found out my gramps has aids.
Apparently they are in his ears??
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No matter what they tell you, ear s**... simply isn't a good idea
That's how you end up with hearing aids
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Nike has come out with a bra that aids v**... boys.
Just Undo It.
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I was shocked when the doctor said i had h**... in my ears.
Turns out i just need hearing aids.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What's the result of unprotected ear s**...?
Hearing AIDS.
I was so worried about my AIDS test...
so I crammed the night before.
I told my doctor I have hearing aids...
... but he insists it's just an ear infection...
