Aide Jokes
40 aide jokes and hilarious aide puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about aide that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Aide Short Jokes
Short aide jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The aide humour may include short helpline jokes also.
- An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
- What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
- My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
- British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
- My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
- There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
- Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "What's the good news?"
Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS." - What's the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump? Trump would've charged for the kool-aid.
- My dad bought himself a new hearing aid. "It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty." - A group of deaf people get together to protest The group begins chanting
What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids!
Share These Aide Jokes With Friends
Aide One Liners
Which aide one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with aide? I can suggest the ones about assistance and helps.
- What kind of STD's do fish get? Merm-aids
- What STD do sailors get the most? Merm-aids
(Inspired by a Family Guy joke) - What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS? acting surprised
- I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic. Everybody is so positive.
- I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher.
- Which STD is transmitted through sound? Hearing aids
- I have AIDS and Alzheimer's Thank goodness I don't have AIDS
- What do you give a sick lemon? lemon-Aid
- Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
- I sent my hearing aids in for repairs three weeks ago I haven't heard anything since
- What do you call first aid on a pirate ship? Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!
- I was pretty sure my girlfriend didn't have AIDS... but now I'm positive.
- What should you do if your Wife tells you that she has AIDS? Act surprised.
- What do you get when you ask a lemon for help? Lemon aid
- What's the best thing about AIDS? You're always positive
Comical & Quirky Aide Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about aide you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean help wanted jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make aide pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump said, "I declare April as s**... Assault Awareness month."
His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"
Trump replied, "Prevent it?"
That's a lot of zeros
An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:
"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying oh my god over and over.
Then he composes himself and says:
Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"
An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly
"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"
Trump said
, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is put into a nursing home by his daughter...
He sits in the common lounge room and leans to the left.
A nurse aide runs over and stops him from falling from his chair and straitens him up.
A few minutes later He starts leaning to the right - but again a nurse aide runs over and straitens him up.
Later, his daughter calls in to see how he is settling.
I quite like this place he says but they don't let you f**......
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....
visits a modern art exhibition. "What the h**... is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."
"Ah-h… And what is this black triangle with red strips?" "This painting shows our heroic industrial workers in a factory." "And what is this dwarf with donkey ears?"
"Mr. president, this is not a painting, this is a mirror."
ABORTION BILL
A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."
I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...
My official title is Band Aide.
(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)
New hearing aide
A friend of mine got new a hearing aid and he was ecstatic over how much better he could hear.
"It's like night and day", he said. "I can't believe all the sounds I was missing"
I asked, "What kind is it?"
He answered "about a quarter to four"
Trump at the Olympics
Donald Trump is opening the Olympic Games and has to read a speech.
"Oh" he says. "Oh, oh, oh ..."
An aide nudges him, "Mr. Trump, stop," he says. "You're reading the Olympic symbol."
An attorney called the governor just after midnight,...
...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him
"Really? What was he doing?" Trump asks gleefully
"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru." His aide said.
A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.
"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"
I scream, you scream
Because one of us doesn't have a hearing aide
Switzerland declares war on China.
The Chinese President is informed by one of his aides that Switzerland has declared war on them. The president calmly asks:
"What's the population of Switzerland?", the aide replies: "8 million, sir", and so the president says: "Alright, which hotel will they be staying at?".
Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault
His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.
Prime Minister Shinzo Abe gives an opening speech at the Tokyo Olympics.
He walks up to the microphone. "O!" he says, which is followed by applause.
"O!" he says again, as an ovation.
"O!" he says again, and the audience stands up and cheers. Suddenly, an aide runs up to the podium.
"Prime Minister Abe," the aide whispers, "those are the Olympic logo rings, you don't need to read all of them!"
What did Trump's aides say when he was worried about the NK Summit?
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies were talking in a coffee shop.
Agnes, you have a suppository in your ear.
**Agnes**: So *that's* where my hearing aide went.
What does an elderly composer use as a walking aide?
A Zimmer frame
More an anecdote than a joke, but still telling....
As Japan invaded Manchuria, the Chinese general called in his aide for daily reports.
On day one, the aide said, "Not good. More than 2000 Chinese dead, just seventeen Japanese dead."
The general dismissed him without a word.
Next day, the aide somberly reported, "1700 Chinese dead, only 25 Japanese dead."
Again the general dismissed him.
On the third day, the aide entered the office & said, "General, 1300 Chinese dead, just 37 Japanese."
"Good," said the general. "Pretty soon, no more Japanese."
A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.
"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."
"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.
"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet."
Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking hot?"
The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
What does the L stand for in Lucky Aide?
Value
Why did the Grim Reaper have to wear a hearing aide?
Because he was death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shingles
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the n**... and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"
Two French generals...
... of the Napolean army were watching a battle from a nearby hill. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the shoulder. Without an instants' pause, he turned to his aide. "Fetch me my red jacket," he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he turned to the other General, and explained that he didn't want the men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.
The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its' passing rocking them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General turned to his aide, and ordered, "Fetch me my brown trousers ... "
