Ahmed Jokes

49 ahmed jokes and hilarious ahmed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ahmed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Ahmed Short Jokes

Short ahmed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ahmed humour may include short sheikh jokes also.

  1. Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework. He comes upon a question: "What separates the head from the body?"
    Ahmed answers: "The axe"
  2. A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief... Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.
  3. ISIS math problem Ahmed has 5 bags. If he gives 2 to Mohamed and 1 to Jamal. Then calculate the radius of the blast.
  4. "Do you know what my husband said? My body is a temple..." "...But it's a temple where a lot of pigs get slaughtered."
    All credit to Samira Ahmed
  5. "Ahmed, you're parking too far away from the sidewalk." "Who cares, its gonna explode anyways."
  6. Ahmed went to have a Falafel. He asked the guy making the sandwich not to put any pickles in it. The guy replies "But we're fresh out of pickles! How about no tomatoes instead?"
  7. Knock-knock! Who's there? Ahmed! Ahmed who? Ahmed the payphone trying to call home. All of my change I spent on you.
  8. "Did you hear about poor Ahmed? He lost his hand due to improper use of an egg slicer." "No really, how could this happen?"
    "He stole it."
  9. What was the name of the first french space program? Oh ahm... think I forgot the answer. Apollo-Cheese.
  10. Ahmed had 3 apples. Mohammad had 5. They both ate two Now calculate the radius of the bomb blast

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Ahmed One Liners

Which ahmed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ahmed? I can suggest the ones about mecca and afghan.

  1. Why did Ahmed Mohamed get delayed at the airport? he was on a watch list...
  2. What is Ahmed Mohamed's favorite band? Dethklok
  3. Ahmed walks into A bar "ow, watch it"
  4. What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter? Ahmed Ashed
  5. Have you heard Ahmed Richie's new song? Halal... is it meat you're looking for.
  6. What do you call an arabian couple? Ahmed and the chamber of secrets.
  7. Nobody told Ahmed about the clock change so he blew himself up in the garage.
  8. I am Ahmed Mohamed AMA! Wow that blew up fast!
  9. Why Ahmed made a clock? To know when to blow up
  10. Why did Ahmed take his clock to school? He wanted to see time fly

Ahmed joke, Why did Ahmed take his clock to school?

Hilarious Fun Ahmed Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about ahmed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mosque jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ahmed pranks.

Bob and Steve, two non-Muslim friends...

Bob and Steve, two non-Muslim friends who happen to be lost in a desert. After days of walking without any water or food, they noticed a Mosque. Bob said: "Yes, thank God! I will walk in saying that my name is
Mohamed, and you say that
your name is Ahmed, this way
we'll get some food! Deal?"
Steve said: "No, I'm sticking
with my name."
They walked into the Mosque
and the Sheikh saw them.
The Sheikh asked: "What are
your names?"
Bob said: "My name is
Steve said: "My name is Steve."
Sheikh said: "Guys, please bring
some food and water for Steve.
And you Mohamed, Ramadan

Two English Muslims go on holiday in Spain...

Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning.
"Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. We should bring an umbrella though."
"Ah, but Hissam, how is the weather looking on the forecast? Is it Sunni, or is it s**...'ite?"

Two Muslim beggars

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in Great Britain. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in £ 2 or £ 3 a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes everyday. Ahmed says, Look at your sign.
It says, I have no work, a wife and seven kids to support. Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign. So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: I need only another £10 to move to Pakistan.

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Spelling practice

It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words.
-Emma, can you spell 'dog'?
-D O G
-Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'?
-C A T
-Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?

Three Muslim women are sitting talking...

The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."
"Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."
The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a s**... bomber in Gaza, so sad."
The first woman shook her head sadly. "Kids these days. They blow up so fast."

Maths Question (Muslim version)

Question 1) If Mohammad has 3 apples and gives one to Hassan and one to Ahmed, what is the radius of the e**...?

Santa Claus is reading letters from kids

Santa opens first letter: Oh Peter from USA needs new iPad.
Santa opens second letter: Oh Naomi from Japan needs new Samsung phone.
Santa opens third letter: Oh Isa Ahmed from Nigeria wants me to help him to get 32 million dollars out of the country.

3 Women sitting in a café.

Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a café, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cooking!" At last the turkish one says : " I say to my Ahmed, I dont wash your clothing anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day I dont see anything, the third day I can see a little with my left eye."

Why did Ahmed Mohamed put his clock in a pencil case?

because pipe clock would have just been s**....

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.

Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan.

Calculate the area it will cover after the e**....

Pakistani math problem.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the e**....

Mahmoud has 9 apples. Ahmed has 11 apples.

Calculate the radius of the e**...
(Note: stole this from Yik Yak)

An Arabian guy at the airport

- name?
- ahmed al-rhazib.
- s**...?
- three to five times a week.
- no, no… i mean male or female?
- male, female, sometimes camel.
- holy cow!
- yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- but isn't that hostile?
- horse style, d**..., any style!
- oh dear!
- no, no! deer run too fast

A r**... is being interviewed by Border Patrol officials

"Your name please?"
Ahmed Aziz
5 times a week!
No, no, I mean man or woman.
Don't matters, sometimes even goat.

Roll call on the first day of school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ............................."Here."
Mustafa Al Sheriah ............................"Here."
Fatima El Bindihiri ............................."Here."
Ali Acmah Shabeeb ............................."Here."
Ali Sun Al En ..........................No answer.
Ali Sun Al En?
A little girl at the back stands up and yells .... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for Christ's sake!"

A Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.
"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.
"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.
"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.
Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?" He then turns to the wife, "Keep walking, Saida."

Mattress and p**...

Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.
He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:
"Dear Wife, I am sorry that you and others have to endure my absence. I made £10,000 selling 100 mattresses and 1000 p**.... Very soon I'll come back and we will live the life we always dreamed of."
The letter gets to Ahmed's father first and his father wrote back:
"Dear Son, Come back now. Your wife has made £100,000 with a single mattress and no p**...."

Little Ahmed comes home from school.

His mother asks him:
"So what did you do in school today?"
"We were experimenting with explosives in chemistry class." replies Ahmed.
"What are you going to do in school tomorrow?"
"What school?"

A first grade teacher was giving a cookie to each student who spelt a word right

"Well little John" she said. "Can you spell Pig?"
"P-I-G" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then went to the next student.
"Hi little Susan" she said. "Can you spell Cow?"
"C-O-W" Susan said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the third student.
"Hello little Jim" she said. "How do you spell Crab?"
"C-R-A-B" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the next student.
"Good day Ahmed. Can you tell me how to spell Racial Discrimination?"

Two Americans were trekking in a desert.

Dehydrated and hungry, they walked into a mosque.
The Imam asked for their names.
Mark thought: Maybe it's wiser to pretend to be a Muslim. So he replied: My name is Ahmed.
Sam said: My name is Sam.
The Imam called his servant over, who handed Sam some food and water.
He then turned to Mark and said: Happy Ramadan, brother Ahmed.

Teacher: alright time for attendance. Is X Æ A-12 here?

**X Æ A-12:** present
**Teacher:** okay and how about... umm... achhh-med???
**Ahmed:** -__-

An Afghan villager is walking down a road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets his fellow villager going the opposite way.
He says, "Ahmed, Prophet Muhammad would never let his wife walk ahead of him."
The first villager replies, "Well, at the time of the Prophet there were no minefields."

Ahmed joke, An Afghan villager is walking down a road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

jokes about ahmed