Ahmed Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Pakistani math problem.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Roll call on the first day of school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ............................."Here."

Mustafa Al Sheriah ............................"Here."

Fatima El Bindihiri ............................."Here."

Ali Acmah Shabeeb ............................."Here."

Ali Sun Al En ..........................No answer.

Ali Sun Al En?

A little girl at the back stands up and yells .... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for Christ's sake!"

Bob and Steve, two non-Muslim friends...

Bob and Steve, two non-Muslim friends who happen to be lost in a desert. After days of walking without any water or food, they noticed a Mosque. Bob said: "Yes, thank God! I will walk in saying that my name is
Mohamed, and you say that
your name is Ahmed, this way
we'll get some food! Deal?"
Steve said: "No, I'm sticking
with my name."
They walked into the Mosque
and the Sheikh saw them.
The Sheikh asked: "What are
your names?"
Bob said: "My name is
Mohamed."
Steve said: "My name is Steve."
Sheikh said: "Guys, please bring
some food and water for Steve.
And you Mohamed, Ramadan
Mubarak!!

Why did Ahmed Mohamed get delayed at the airport?

he was on a watch list...

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.

Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I have never felt safer.

Two Americans were trekking in a desert.

Dehydrated and hungry, they walked into a mosque.
The Imam asked for their names.
Mark thought: Maybe it's wiser to pretend to be a Muslim. So he replied: My name is Ahmed.
Sam said: My name is Sam.
The Imam called his servant over, who handed Sam some food and water.
He then turned to Mark and said: Happy Ramadan, brother Ahmed.

What is Ahmed Mohamed's favorite band?

Dethklok

Two Christians Were walking in the desert....

They began to feel very hungry and thirsty. Then they saw a nearby mosque. Their names were Chris and Michael and Chris suggested to change names to Muslim names so they would give them food. Chris changed his to Ahmed but Michael refused and didn't change it. They approached the Sheikh of the mosque and the Sheikh asked " What are your names?" Chris replied "My name is Ahmed and this is Michael" The Sheikh quickly stood up and said "Quickly get some food and water to Michael!" And then he looked over to Chris and said "Ramadan Mubarak Ahmed!"

Two Muslim beggars

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in Great Britain. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in Β£ 2 or Β£ 3 a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of Β£10 notes everyday. Ahmed says, Look at your sign.

It says, I have no work, a wife and seven kids to support. Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign. So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: I need only another Β£10 to move to Pakistan.

Two English Muslims go on holiday in Spain...

Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning.

"Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. We should bring an umbrella though."

"Ah, but Hissam, how is the weather looking on the forecast? Is it Sunni, or is it Shi'ite?"

3 Women sitting in a cafΓ©.

Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a cafΓ©, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cooking!" At last the turkish one says : " I say to my Ahmed, I dont wash your clothing anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day I dont see anything, the third day I can see a little with my left eye."

Three Muslim women are sitting talking...

The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."
"Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."
The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a suicide bomber in Gaza, so sad."
The first woman shook her head sadly. "Kids these days. They blow up so fast."

Little Ahmed comes home from school.

His mother asks him:

"So what did you do in school today?"

"We were experimenting with explosives in chemistry class." replies Ahmed.

"What are you going to do in school tomorrow?"

"What school?"

Maths Question (Muslim version)

Question 1) If Mohammad has 3 apples and gives one to Hassan and one to Ahmed, what is the radius of the explosion?

Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question: "What separates the head from the body?"

Ahmed answers: "The axe"

Mattress and Panties

Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.

He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:

"Dear Wife, I am sorry that you and others have to endure my absence. I made Β£10,000 selling 100 mattresses and 1000 panties. Very soon I'll come back and we will live the life we always dreamed of."

The letter gets to Ahmed's father first and his father wrote back:

"Dear Son, Come back now. Your wife has made Β£100,000 with a single mattress and no panties."

A Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?" He then turns to the wife, "Keep walking, Saida."

An Arabian guy at the airport

- name?
- ahmed al-rhazib.
- sex?
- three to five times a week.
- no, no… i mean male or female?
- male, female, sometimes camel.
- holy cow!
- yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- but isn't that hostile?
- horse style, doggy style, any style!
- oh dear!
- no, no! deer run too fast

A first grade teacher was giving a cookie to each student who spelt a word right

"Well little John" she said. "Can you spell Pig?"

"P-I-G" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then went to the next student.

"Hi little Susan" she said. "Can you spell Cow?"

"C-O-W" Susan said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the third student.

"Hello little Jim" she said. "How do you spell Crab?"

"C-R-A-B" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the next student.

"Good day Ahmed. Can you tell me how to spell Racial Discrimination?"

Spelling practice

It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words.
-Emma, can you spell 'dog'?
-D O G
-Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'?
-C A T
-Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief...

Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.

top jokes

Reporter: Excuse me, may I interview you?
Man: Yes!
Reporter: Name?
Man: Ahmed Al-Bakir.
Reporter: Sex?
Man: Three to five times a week.
Reporter: No no! I mean male or female?
Man: Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.
Reporter: Holy cow!
Man: Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.
Reporter: But isn't that hostile?
Man: Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.
Reporter: Oh dear!
Man: No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.

Let's pretend we're Muslims

Two Christian missionaries, David and Michael, were lost in a scorching desert, dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque up front.

David said: Michael, let's pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food or water and we will die. My name will be Ahmed. What will be your name? Michael refused to change his name. When both of them reached the mosque, the Imam received them well and asked their names. David: My name is Ahmed. Michael: My name is Michael. The Imam turned to his helpers and said: Please bring food and water for Michael.

Then he turned to David and said: Brother Ahmed, Ramadan Mubarak.

Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan.

Calculate the area it will cover after the explosion.

David & Michael were lost in a desert, dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque.

David & Michael were lost in a desert, dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque.

David: Michael, let's pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food or water. I will be Ahmed.

Michael refused to change his name.

The both reached the mosque and the Imam received them well and asked their names.

David: My name is Ahmed.

Michael: My name is Michael.

The Imam turned to his helpers and said: Please bring food and water for Michael.

Then he turned to David and said: RAMADAN MUBARAK!

ISIS math problem

Ahmed has 5 bags. If he gives 2 to Mohamed and 1 to Jamal. Then calculate the radius of the blast.

Ahmed walks into A bar

"ow, watch it"
-Abbar

Mahmoud has 9 apples. Ahmed has 11 apples.

Calculate the radius of the explosion

(Note: stole this from Yik Yak)

"Ahmed, you're parking too far away from the sidewalk."

"Who cares, its gonna explode anyways."

"Do you know what my husband said? My body is a temple..."

"...But it's a temple where a lot of pigs get slaughtered."

All credit to Samira Ahmed

A refugee is being interviewed by Border Patrol officials

"Your name please?"

Ahmed Aziz

Sex?

5 times a week!

No, no, I mean man or woman.

Don't matters, sometimes even goat.

Ahmed went to have a Falafel.

He asked the guy making the sandwich not to put any pickles in it. The guy replies "But we're fresh out of pickles! How about no tomatoes instead?"

Santa Claus is reading letters from kids

Santa opens first letter: Oh Peter from USA needs new iPad.

Santa opens second letter: Oh Naomi from Japan needs new Samsung phone.

Santa opens third letter: Oh Isa Ahmed from Nigeria wants me to help him to get 32 million dollars out of the country.

What are the funniest ahmed jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Ahmed? Well, here are the best Ahmed puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Ahmed pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes