The Best 79 Ahead Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Ahead jokes. There are some ahead anticipation jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ahead upcoming puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Ahead Jokes and Puns
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
What did one hat say to the other?
"You stay here, I'll go on ahead...."
A bit rapey.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
Redneck Logic Joke
Two rednecks, Hunter and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the Cooter asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said Cooter.
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, Cooter said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
Cooter was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
Cooter, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied Cooter.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked Cooter.
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."
Aftershave's aftereffects.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
So I checked into a low class hotel
I called the frontdesk and told him "I got a leak in my sink," he said "go ahead."
Why isn't energy made of atoms?
It doesn't matter
(go ahead and down vote :P)
A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.
They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"
Two hats on a hat hanger, one says to the other....
You go on ahead.
GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
You can explore ahead farther reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ahead kindly dad jokes. There are also ahead puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up...
...so I did. She began walking faster and faster so I did. She started running so I did. She started screaming so I did. I have no idea what we were running from but I was terrified.
The Elusive Midget Nun
Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.
The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?
The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you screwed a penguin!
A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...
As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.
"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"
Moments later, another car speeds ahead.
"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"
Then once more, another car rushes ahead.
"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"
Then they reach their destination.
"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"
Small World
A lawyer and a doctor are golfing. There are two women ahead of them that are playing really slow, so the lawyer decides to ask them if they can play through. While driving up to them, he realizes the two women are his wife and mistress! He turns around without saying anything and tells the doctor the situation. After a few more holes the doctor has had enough. He goes to talk to the women but turns around before he gets there. When he gets back he looks at the lawyer and says, "Small world."
The Bacon tree
Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."
I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name...
I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name
Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around, and I'll go on ahead.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Yesterday I met a Chinese guy named Giuseppe Giardisi...
When asked if he was adopted, the man replied,
"No. I was queued up at Ellis Island when they called the man ahead of me. 'What's your name,' the man asked him. 'Giuseppe Giardisi,' he replied. I was next and when they asked my name, I told them, 'Sam Ting'. 'Welcome to America, Giuseppe,' the immigration officer replied as he stamped my papers."
The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead...
"Hail, Satan"
An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf
There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"
Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.
Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.
Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
A horse walks into a bar...
...and the bartender says "are you feeling all right?" The horse replies,"I don't think I am," *POOF* the horse disappears. This is of course a joke referencing the famous quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained this ahead of time but I didn't want to put *Descartes* before the horse.
"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"
A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
A man asks a farmer near a field,
A man asks a farmer near a field, Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.
The farmer says, Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent feat. Nickelback
Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion
A hat and a tie are out running
The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."
Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten
As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"
A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.
The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"
"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."
*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, I bet you I can guess your age.
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
Pull down your pants, she says.
She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, You're 84 years old.
That's amazing, the man says. How did you know?
You told me yesterday.
A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store...
Out of no where, she starts giggling.
I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."
"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"
She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."
Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.
Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.
Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.
"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.
"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."
A cockroach's last words to a husband:
"Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."
According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.
They're really ahead of their time.
Two men are lost in the desert
Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.
He turned to the man behind him and said, "I guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination."
A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race...
the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.
TIFU by accidentally walking out with the footlong BLT of the guy ahead of me in line
Whoops, wrong sub
I had a bust made in my likeness. Well, it's GOING to be made.
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
A shrinking man rushes to the doctor's office.
The shrinking man skips ahead of everyone waiting and pleas "Doctor! Doctor! I need help, I'm shrinking!"
Then the doctor replies, "well then you'll just have to be a little patient."
Ugliest baby that I've ever seen
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.
The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.
Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
Guy at a restaurant orders a soup
Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and the guy says "Just freakin' try it!" and the waiter asks "Where's the spoon?" and the guy answers "Exactly"
A woman is sitting at a funeral, for her husband.
A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman replies "No, go ahead"
The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his throat and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.
"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."
Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.
Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.
And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.
A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."
Me and my wife gave our 15 year old daughter the "go ahead" to start dating boys, but she is having the worst luck.
Every one she meets online gets arrested.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"
The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."
You know something
If you run behind the car you get exhausted and if you run ahead of the car you get tired
Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.
Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.
"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.
"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
Her friend asked, "What's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
I wanted to get a personalized bust
But my wife told me not to get ahead of myself.
A scientist went to God and said triumphantly, We've worked out how to make a man without you. God laughed and said, Okay then, show me. Go ahead.
So the scientist bent down and picked up a handful of dirt but God stopped him.
Oh no you don't. said God. Get your own dirt.
Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.
Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or Jack off. Without batting an eye she responded "you better jack off, I have a terrible headache."
My wife left me for another man.
All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.
Since this is the first year that I've remembered my cake day, here's my four year old's favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?
You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
I'm just gonna hang around here.. you go on ahead.
Donald Trump was the President of United States
It's not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.
What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together.
I said let's not get ahead of our shelves .
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the urinal and go outside and tee off.
A woman is sitting at her dead husband's funeral.
A man motions to her and asks "Do you mind if I say a word?"
She replies "No, go right ahead".
The man walks to the pulpit, clears his through and says "Plethora".
As he was returning to his seat, the woman stops him and says "Thank you, it means a lot".
Did you hear about the first company to develop the warp drive?
They are light years ahead of the competition!
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a few words?"
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "being alive", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "he would have liked that".
An Afghan villager is walking down a road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.
He meets his fellow villager going the opposite way.
He says, "Ahmed, Prophet Muhammad would never let his wife walk ahead of him."
The first villager replies, "Well, at the time of the Prophet there were no minefields."
Little Johnny: Contagious
The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little shit. She sighs and tells him to go ahead.
With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:
"My dad and I saw our neighbour cutting his lawn with a pair of nail scissors, my dad said "Its going to take that contagious to do that"
Boom boom.
Dark joke ahead
So I was playing charades. It was my friend's turn and he put something around his neck. He never told us what it was, he really left us hanging
I think hanging people is a poor choice of professions for an executioner. Better to be the guy with an axe.
Because, with the axe, it's easier to get ahead...
An old farmer writes his son...
An old farmer writes his son (who is in prison) a letter and he tells his son that he won't be planting potatoes this year because there is no way he can dig up the field by himself. His son writes back and tells his his dad that there's no way he can dig up the field cause that's where he hid all the money he stole. Well, the cops read that letter and the next day the cops sure dug up that field good and proper. The same day the cops got to digging, the son writes his dad again telling his dad to go ahead and plant his potatoes and that is the best he can do from in here.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ahead future jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working ahead hitchhiker piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.