Ahead Jokes
151 ahead jokes and hilarious ahead puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ahead that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a chuckle? Check out this collection of hilarious jokes about getting ahead! Featuring jokes about springing ahead, getting farther, facing a roadblock, and leading a procession, you're sure to find plenty of laughs.
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Funniest Ahead Short Jokes
Short ahead jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ahead humour may include short fore jokes also.
- Since this is the first year that I've remembered my cake day, here's my four year old's favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
- Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us? It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
- A bit rapey. The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
- According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find ukraine on an unmarked map. They're really ahead of their time.
- The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... "Hail, Satan"
- Donald Trump was the President of United States It's not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.
- A hat and a tie are out running The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead." - My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together. I said let's not get ahead of our shelves .
- A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become. The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"
"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."
*The boy wanted to be a comedian.* - I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name... I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name
Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.
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Ahead One Liners
Which ahead one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ahead? I can suggest the ones about prior and rear.
- What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback
Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion - Why isn't energy made of atoms? It doesn't matter
(go ahead and down vote :P) - I wanted to get a personalized bust But my wife told me not to get ahead of myself.
- What did one hat say to the other? "You stay here, I'll go on ahead...."
- What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around, and I'll go on ahead.
- The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time It had cutting edge technology
- I'm always one step ahead Which makes me a really bad dancer
- How does a carpenter effectively build stairs? He thinks one step ahead
- What did the toupee say to the hat? Cover me, I'm going on ahead.
- Go ahead, call 911! We'll see who comes first.
- What do you call a genius who died in a guillotine? Ahead of his time
- A man asked for directions to the guillotine festival... It's just ahead.
- From the current state of America. The movie Joker was ahead of the curve
- I tried living in the future But I kept getting ahead of myself
- I always set my watch 10 minutes forward. I wanna be ahead of my time
Getting Ahead Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting ahead jokes and even better getting ahead puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had a bust made in my likeness. Well, it's GOING to be made. Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.
- Me and my wife gave our 15 year old daughter the "go ahead" to start dating boys, but she is having the worst luck. Every one she meets online gets arrested.
- I was pretty upset when I heard clocks get set ahead an hour... Oh well. Not worth losing sleep over it.
- My wife has left me for another man All that lies ahead is a miserable, pointless and lonely existence.
And while he's going through that I'll be down the pub every night getting drunk. - I was going to get a bust of my likeness just in case I become famous in the future and it's worth something. But I decided I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
- Sensual Massages This girl at the office keeps trying to get me fired for apparently giving her sensual massages at inappropriate times.
I said, "Go right ahead and try, I dont even work here!" - If you want to get in a canoe go ahead. If you want to enjoy the lake without a canoe that's fine too. I just don't get why row vs wade is so controversial. Can't we all just enjoy the lake together?
- Why is it that every time I get ahead in life someone arrests me for grave-robbing?
- Why couldn't Mary and Joseph get a room at the inn? Well it was Christmas....they should have booked ahead
- My wife does not approve of my collection of bobbleheads that look just like me. She says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Hilarious Fun Ahead Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about ahead you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean early jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ahead pranks.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Logic Joke
Two r**..., Hunter and c**... decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the c**... asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a w**... eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said c**....
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, c**... said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
c**... was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
c**..., proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied c**....
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a w**... eater?" asked c**....
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Aftershave's aftereffects.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like.
So I checked into a low class hotel
I called the frontdesk and told him "I got a leak in my sink," he said "go ahead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know when you're staying in a h**... hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"
and the clerk replies, "okay, Go ahead."
Untitled
A worker goes up to his boss and asks:
Worker: Hey, sir, I'm having a kid, can I have the day off?
Boss:Sure go ahead
The next day, the worker comes in and the boss asks:
Boss: Hey! Is it a boy or a girl?
To which the worker replies:
"I don't know, but I will tell you in nine months."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Elusive Midget Nun
Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.
The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?
The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you s**... a penguin!
A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...
As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.
"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"
Moments later, another car speeds ahead.
"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"
Then once more, another car rushes ahead.
"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"
Then they reach their destination.
"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"
Small World
A lawyer and a doctor are golfing. There are two women ahead of them that are playing really slow, so the lawyer decides to ask them if they can play through. While driving up to them, he realizes the two women are his wife and mistress! He turns around without saying anything and tells the doctor the situation. After a few more holes the doctor has had enough. He goes to talk to the women but turns around before he gets there. When he gets back he looks at the lawyer and says, "Small world."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bacon tree
Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."
You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...
They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.
You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Attention!! A dark joke ahead
A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.
At the f**... house, the African woman kept sobbing and saying: "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!"
A family member pulled her aside and asked:
"What did you know?" She replied: "That, Chinese products don't last long!!
A young Julius Caesar and his friend were walking along...
A young Julius Caesar and his friend Kevin were walking a Roman road. Caesar says "I'm really thinking about going all out this year and having a bust made of myself" to which Kevin
replied..."Ughh...Don't get a-head of yourself".
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Yesterday I met a Chinese guy named Giuseppe Giardisi...
When asked if he was adopted, the man replied,
"No. I was queued up at Ellis Island when they called the man ahead of me. 'What's your name,' the man asked him. 'Giuseppe Giardisi,' he replied. I was next and when they asked my name, I told them, 'Sam Ting'. 'Welcome to America, Giuseppe,' the immigration officer replied as he stamped my papers."
An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf
There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Go ahead I'll let you Osaka. "Let me Osaka what?"...
I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms.
The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!"
"I know," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."
Ruffled feathers ahead.
What do you call a woman that is never late, can actually drive a car and doesn't need help killing spiders? Bruce Jenner.
A First Mate turns to his Captain and says...
"Captain! There is a light ahead and we are receiving a transmission that we should veer to the left."
The Captain grabbed the radio and said, "This is a fully armed battleship. Veer right or be destroyed."
The voice on the radio responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your move."
Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.
Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.
Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"
A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like."
"Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip."
Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip.
Dispatcher: Go ahead.
Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.
A man asks a farmer near a field,
A man asks a farmer near a field, Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.
The farmer says, Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one.
[WARNING, spoilers ahead!]
1.) Storing milk at room temperature
2.) Grandparents
3.) Black people in a movie theatre
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten
As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves.
The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.
Please stop
A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, I bet you I can guess your age.
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
Pull down your pants, she says.
She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, You're 84 years old.
That's amazing, the man says. How did you know?
You told me yesterday.
A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store...
Out of no where, she starts giggling.
I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."
"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"
She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."
Life is a lot like chess
You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead.
And most people want to be white.
Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.
Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.
Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.
"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.
"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."
In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing
*"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*
*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.
*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*
I make conversation like I play chess....
Plan 3 moves ahead then freak out when the other person doesn't do what I planned for.
Two men are lost in the desert
Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.
He turned to the man behind him and said, "I guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination."
A Russian judge walks out of has chambers laughing his head off.
A colleague approaches him and asks him why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well go ahead and tell me," says the second judge. "I can't - I just gave someone ten years for it!"
A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race...
the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.
TIFU by accidentally walking out with the footlong BLT of the guy ahead of me in line
Whoops, wrong sub
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?
Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
Blind Golfers
One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, "we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead." The firemen said, "your inspiration to keep doing what you enjoy even though you can't see. Sure, you can go." The engineers said, "can't you just golf at night?"
I took Blondie to the movies
Just as the movie was about to start, she got up to leave.
"Where are you going?" I whispered. "The movie is about to start."
"I have to go outside," she said.
"Why on Earth do you have to go outside right now?"
"The movie man said to silence my cell phone," she pointed at the screen.
"So why do you have to leave?" I asked again, as nicely as I could. "I left it in the car, duh."
"Okay. Go ahead. I'll save you some popcorn."
A Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.
He meets another man going the opposite way.
"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.
"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.
"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.
Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?" He then turns to the wife, "Keep walking, Saida."
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
I really appreciate all the fan mail you beautiful women have been writing me.
Now go ahead and send them.
LPT: When you're about to judge someone or say something bad about someone, consider walking a mile in their shoes first
That way, when you do judge them or say something bad about them, you're already a mile ahead of them... And you have their shoes.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
They say to always follow your gut
Your mom must be pretty intuitive, her gut is always 2 steps ahead of her
Barry likes the number five.
He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.
One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.
It finished fifth.
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
I was told I have a problem with planning ahead.
I'm not sure when I'll deal with that, but I'll find the time.
Anyone hear the one about the three legged chess player?
Some say he's always a step ahead of the competition.
Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.
Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.
And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.
That moment you realize the French where actually way ahead of their time
And allied forces just didn't know what RETWEET meant
I've decided to start planning ahead
I'll start with two ears, maybe a nose... Annnnd in thinking 3? No, 4 eyes.
If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show.
Truly ahead of its time.
