The Best 89 Agrees Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Agrees jokes. There are some agrees accord jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these agrees back puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Agrees Jokes and Puns

A woman goes into labor with her child.

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feeling better than ever.
"Weren't you dead?", Asked the nurses.
"Well, I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel great!"

A chinese couple, new parents, visit their doctor. "We're a little concerned about our son", the mother says...

..."He looks, well, caucasian!". The doctor has a look and agrees. " I see what you mean. Two wongs don't make a white". The parents nod. "By the way, what's his name?". The doctor asks. The father replies "Sum Ting Wong".

Agrees joke, A chinese couple, new parents, visit their doctor. "We're a little concerned about our son", the mot

Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 sucking it, 1 licking it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one sucking it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think

Tatoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.

The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"

The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".

The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.

The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."

The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"

The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."


A husband and wife are in a car crash

They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the crash and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.

The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."

The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"

And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.

A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"

"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."

Tiger Woods playing golf.

Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.

Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.

A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"

Agrees joke, Tiger Woods playing golf.

So an old Nun goes to the gynecologist...

...for her normal check up. The doctor checks her out, and tells her the bad news. "Sister, I hate to tell you this, but you've got crabs." With a look of panic on her face, she says "That's impossible, I've never been with anyone! Can you look again?" Reluctantly, the doctor agrees to have another look. After a second check, the doctor looks up and says, "Sorry sister, they're not crabs. They're fruit flies, your cherry's gone bad!"

After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......


Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."

The homeless man and the farmer

A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.

In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"

"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."

"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"

"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"

"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.

"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"

"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

You can explore agrees unwilling reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean agrees reluctantly dad jokes. There are also agrees puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...

and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."

A young couple is out carousing one evening...(could be repost)

While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his sex life...

Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, sexually and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.

Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.

One billion dollars. This is our final offer.

After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.

I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account.

Agrees joke, A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"

Sam walks into his boss's office.

Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

By the way , asks the boss as Sam is getting up, which three companies are after you?

The electric company, water company, and phone company , Sam replied.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."

The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.

The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.

Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."


Calling in sick from work

A man is calling in sick from work and says to his boss, sorry boss, I can't come into work I'm feeling sick. His boss replies, I'm sorry to hear that. Whenever I feel sick I have sex with my wife and usually feel better. You should try it. The man agrees and calls him back later that day. He says you were right. I do feel better and your house is really nice.

On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...

*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.

The woman ignores him.

*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*

The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.

*"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"*

The woman hands him $5. Now it's her turn.

*"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"*

The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:

*"So, what is the answer?"*

Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.

**

A young vulture is tired of eating nothing but scavenged meat...

So he says to his father, "Dad, can't we eat something else for a change? I'd like to try some vegetables."

The father is outraged, claiming that vultures do not eat vegetables, that is not their way. But the young vulture doesn't give up. He asks again the next day, and the next, and the next. Eventually the father relents, and agrees on a compromise. The young vulture could eat some vegetables, but only if he finished his meat first.

The following day, the young vulture asks what they will be eating that evening. The father replies, "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done."

Obama walks into a bar.....

Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.

Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"

"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."

"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were terrorist hotspots not too long ago?"

"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."

"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"

"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."

Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:

"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.

A man enters a golfing tournament...

... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.

After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:

"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.

(A priest joke with 100% less pedophilia!)

A man offers a woman at a bar a million dollars...

to have sex with him, after not much debate the woman agrees and says "absolutely".

The man with a smile on his face then says "will you have sex with me for $100".

The woman snarls back at him "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man gingerly replies "We have already determined that, we are just discussing price now."

A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie.

''You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish,'' the genie tells her.''See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man,'' she says.The genie agrees and – poof! – the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.''Do you have anything to say before we make love?'' she asks.''Yes,'' he says. ''I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week.''

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

Two chemists walk into a bar

The first chemist tells the bartender "I'll have some H2O, please." The second chemist agrees: "I'll have some H2O also, please."

The second chemist died of aluminum, sulfur, and oxygen poisoning.

Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

The woman and her chili.

A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of the chili, he sees a dead rat at the bottom. This causes him to vomit back into the bowl.

In response, the woman said: "Yep, that's about as far as I got too."

Two Cannibals are sharing a meal.

One cannibal says to the other "You start at the feet and I'll start at the head."
The other cannibal agrees, a few minutes later the first cannibal asks "How are you getting on?"
The second cannibal says "I'm having a ball."
The first replies "Slow down you're eating too fast."

A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.

In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.

The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Last request...

A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.

"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."

The general agrees and takes a step back.

"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "

In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"

Terminator, RoboCop, & Optimus Prime are all together thinking of their next costume for Halloween...

when RoboCop says "We should all be classical musical composers; I'll be..Beethoven!".

 

Optimus Prime agrees and says "alright - I'll be..Mozart!".

 

Terminator stands up and says "I'll be Bach!".

Money-minded Cabbie!!

A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

A driver gets pulled over . . .

A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.

The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.

He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"

"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"

In money trouble, the couple finally agrees she will prostitute for a while. She is out all night the first night and has only $20.25 in the morning.

When hubby asks who only gave her 25 cents, she replied - All of them!

I finally decided what I want my wedding song to be, I hope my wife agrees. It's going to be...

"You Can't Always Get What You Want"

A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.

"He was just walking down the road," the man said.

"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.

A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"

"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."

A blonde woman dyes her hair red....

A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A young couple are showering together

A young couple are showering when the girlfriend says, "Honey I want you to do something naughty."
The boyfriend agrees.
He then proceeds to drop shampoo in her left eye.

A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.

Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out. However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.

Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top and takes a seat.

The game is about to begin when a voice comes over the loudspeaker and says "Please rise for the National Anthem". Everyone in the stadium stands up, turns to Jose, puts their hands over their hearts, and sings

"O-OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEE..."

Jose yells back "YES THANK YOU"

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

Chinese Sick Leave

Wong calls his boss in the morning telling him he was feeling sick and couldn't come to work.

His boss says, "You know what Wong? Sometimes when I feel sick I ask my wife for sex. I feel better then. You should do the same."

Wong agrees and three hours later he calls his boss again.

"I do what you say and I feel better now. I come to work in a while... By the way, you have very nice house."

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

How do you call a culture that only agrees?

An agriculture

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married...

... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.

Problems in bed

A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband, "Maybe you should get some pills to help you out."

He agrees.

When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.

He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her a bottle of diet pills.

A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

A husband's new wife really wants...

A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.

So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.

At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?

A man is looking for a prostitute,

He comes across a woman who says she can give a guy head while singing.

The man says "I'll give you $50, just tell me how you do it."

"No," she replies "Just let me do it."

He agrees.

They go into a hotel room and she starts blowing him while singing away.

The man says, "Turn on the lights and let me see how you're doing that."

She replies "Hold on, let me put my glass eye back in."

An economist goes up to a girl he fancies at a bar.

He asks her, "I'll give you a million dollars if you will have sex at me."
The woman, taken back by the offer, sizes up the economist and agrees.
Now the economist adds, "Actually, I changed my mind. I'd rather do it with you in turn for a hundred dollars."
The woman being insulted, retorted, "What am I, some prostitute?"
"Oh, we already established that. Now we're just negotiating price. "

A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.

Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, Just give him some Head & Shoulders. She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?

An anteater walks into a bar

The anteater asks the bartender for a drink and the bartender asks "is Pepsi okay?" The anteater replies "noooooooooooo". So the bartender asks "is orange juice okay? And once again the anteater replies "noooooooooooo". One more time the bartender asks "how about water?" The anteater agrees that water is fine. So the anteater gets his drink and the bartender can't help but ask the anteater one final question.
"So, why the long no's?"

A corn walks into a bar...

And it says to the bartender:

"Hey, wanna hear a joke?"

The bartender agrees. The corn then asks:

"What did the traffic light say to the car?"

The bartender then says: "What?"

The corn says: "DON'T LOOK! I'M CHANGING!"

The bartender shakes his head in disappointment and says:

"Didn't know what I was expecting."

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp.

Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

I want to go home, says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

I want to go home, too, says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.

I'm lonely, says the third friend. I sure wish my friends were back here."

A woman goes into labor with her child

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%.

He still feels nothing.

They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.

The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger are hanging out

Danny suggests they do some musical reenactment. Arnold, being the nice guy that he is agrees and let's Danny choose who he will be. Danny chooses Mozart. As for Arnold, he'll be Bach

Renes Descartes goes into a bar

The barkeeper asks him: "You want a beer?"

Descartes agrees and after that he drinks many more.

Later when he is quite drunk he grabs his keys and moves towards his car.

The barkeeper stops him from entering the car and asks him: "Do you really think, driving your state is a good idea?"

Descartes replies: "Yeah, you're right. I don't think..." and abruptly stops existing.

Two jokes and a cop walk into a bar...

Two jokes and a cop walk into a bar. The jokes offer the bartender to tell themselves in return for a free drink. The bartender agrees. The first joke tells itself and gets its free drink. The cop shoots the second joke before it can start expressing itself as it is too dark.

This dude and his girlfriend are making out on the sofa

After a while it starts getting a bit more intimate and intense. He asks her should we take this to the bedroom? She's thrilled and agrees. Only problem of they couldn't work out the right angle to get the sofa through the door.

A trucker enters a roadside cafe in the middle of his long drive

The waitress brings him a soup. Meanwhile, three bikers enter the cafe. While passing the trucker, they each spit into his soup.

Silently, the trucker pays and leaves the cafe. One of the bikers then says to the waitress,

'What an idiot! Can't even stand for himself!'

The waitress agrees,

'You're right - he can't even drive! Only left the parking lot and already wrecked 3 motorcycles!'

Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.

The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.

Which tire was flat?

So, a Frenchman, an American and a Russian are at a car show.

Frenchman looks at the show car and says "we French also have good cars. At home we drive Citroen, but when we go abroad we drive the luxurious Renault".

The American agrees, and says "we also drive Ford pickups at home, but abroad we drive Cadillacs to impress".

The Russian thinks for a bit and says: "_da_, in Russia we drive Lada. In other countries, we drive T-72."

I have a joke on Donald Trump.

It's a great joke. With a good buildup and a punch, and whatever. I showed it to my friends -- you know some of them are really good judge of jokes. I showed it to them and they said it's really funny. Almost everyone agrees it's good. Some of them says it's too good -- maybe a little bit too funny. You know they love to laugh. You maybe even say it's the funniest joke ever. I have THE BEST JOKE in the world.

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.

A man walks into a funeral and asks the widow if he can say a word.

The widow, sobbing in grief, agrees.

The man says "Plethora"

The Widow says "Thanks, that means a lot"

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"

"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says

"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot

"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."

An old joke.

Two hunters were lost in a forest.

One tells the other, I heard that if you fire three times in the air, that can help people to find you.

They try that once, then again an hour later but still no-one turned up.

The second hunter says I am not sure we should try that again.

The first hunter agrees, saying You're probably right, besides, we're almost out of arrows.

A wife says to her husband put ketchup on the shopping list . He reluctantly agrees.

I can't read it anymore he replies

A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.

She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced prostitute, but i want to let you know that i am a virgin.

A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies

In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you Β£20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.

20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets Β£20 to give.



Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."

She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.

Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a free drink if I show you something amazing?"

The bartender agrees so he pulls out a tiny piano, a frog and a hamster. The hamster starts playing the piano and the frog starts singing Adele. As the bartender gets him his drink a punter asks him "how much for the singing frog?" The man replies "I'll sell him for Β£100 if you want?" And the punter agrees. The bartender sees this and says to the man " WHAT?! You could have made millions off that Why'd you sell him so cheap?" And the man says "no, it's okay... The hamsters a ventriloquist"

A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.

A woman opens the door, and the man explains he's with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.

Let's see, says the woman, There's Timmy and Tammy; they're 4. There's Molly and Holly; they're 8. There's Terry and Larry; they're–

The census worker cuts her off, wide-eyed. You mean to tell me, he says, that you got twins EVERY time?!

The woman laughs and says Oh goodness, no! There was hundreds of times we didn't get anything!

The older woman.....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. "My wife just gave birth to my son this morning!" he tells the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender agrees. "I know just how excited you are! My wife just gave birth to my daughter yesterday. Who knows? Maybe someday they'll grow up and marry each other." "Yeah, right," the guy says. "Like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

The Two Drunkards

Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree, they start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a life time missing the target, one says to the other, ''Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take a closer look" the other agrees.

He tediously scales up the tree and gently squeezes the fruit to feel if it is ripe, he comes down joyfully to his friend and say "yeap, the fruit is damn ripe, let's get it".

And they continue tossing the stones to the fruit

A man is sitting in a train

and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.

Why are you chewing the seeds?
They make me smarter
Really? Could I have some?
Sure, dollar a piece

The man agrees and gets three apple seeds for three bucks. He chews them for a while, then says Wait a minute, for three bucks I could've bought two pounds of apples!

See, it's already working

A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.

It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.

Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. The priest hastily covers his crotch, while the rabbi hides his face behind his hands.

When the ladies have passed, the priest asks:
"Why didn't you cover your private parts?"

To which the rabbi replies:
"Well, MY congregation recognizes me by my face. "

The Italian Mother

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

Teacher student

Teacher giving a lesson on circulation of blood says to her class, Now, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.

Yes the whole class agrees.

Then why is it, she continues, that while I am standing upright, the blood doesn't run into my feet?

One little fellow shouts, Cause your feet ain't empty!

Someone always has to ruin it

Three friends stranded on a desertedΒ island find a magic lamp.Β Inside it is a genie who agrees toΒ grant each friend one wish.

I want to go home, says the firstΒ friend. The genie grants her wish.

I want to go home, too, says theΒ second friend. And the genie sendsΒ her back home.

I'm lonely, says the third friend.Β  I sure wish my friends were backΒ here."

The problem with the American two-party system is that everyone agrees one political party is stupid and the other party is evil

But they violently disagree about which one is which.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the agrees concede jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working agrees begs piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes