Agreement Jokes

Following is our collection of celibacy humor and leaders one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Agreement puns for adults, dirty covenant jokes or clean negotiations gags for kids.

There is an abundance of monetary jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 45 funniest jokes on agreement. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any terms witze you can hear about agreement.

The Best jokes about Agreement

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

Why shouldn't you make a agreement with wolverine ?

Because of his retractable Clause

Mutual Agreement

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...

... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.


so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have sex. the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have sex with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of sex' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."

The nun nods in agreement.

A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:

"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"

The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."

The nun nods and smiles.

The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."

A Greek and Italian were sitting at a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture...

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented doggy-style sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

So only 7 people survived the shipwreck

6 men and a woman ended up on a isolated island after surviving the shipwreck. Soon an agreement was made: each day of the week she'd have sex with one of the men.
Everything was going great, they were getting along, everybody was as happy as possible.
One day the woman dies.
After the first week things get a little strange, but they just hold on.
The second week goes by, bit they manage to keep things under control. After the third week one of them finally says:
- Well, that's it. I can't handle it anymore. There's nothing else to do. We're gonna have to bury her corpse...


Greek vs Italian Culture

One day , two men, a Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a moment and then replies, "Ah, yes, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

What do you call an agreement between two forests?

A tree-ty!

Four across...

Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:

"A word, four across, ending with unt..."

The other man asks him:

"Well, what's the clue?"

He replies:

"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."

"Aunt?"

"Ah, yes it is!"

The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.

"Can I borrow an eraser?"

A man goes to a bar every night at 5:30...

He sits down and orders 3 beers. One day, the bartender asks, "Hey man, what's with the 3 beers? Why not just order one glass?" The man says, "My brothers and I made an agreement that wherever we are in the world, at 5:30 every night, we'll 'share a beer,' to remind each other of our bond. 1 for each of us." The bartender is touched and gives them to him for free. One day, the bartender notices that the man only orders 2 and assuming that one of the brothers passed away, offers his condolences, to which the man laughs and says, "Nobody died, I just gave up beer. I'm on a diet."

A man is driving through the desert with a penguin in the passenger seat

His gas light comes on and he pulls off at the next fuel station to fill up. He walks inside and the clerk looks at him, then the car with the penguin sitting inside and says
"It's entirely too hot out here for a penguin! You need to take that thing to the zoo right away!"
The man nods his head in agreement and replies "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
A week passes and the man pulls into the same fuel station with the penguin sitting comfortably in the passenger seat again.
The man walks inside and the clerk angrily says "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" The man looks at the clerk and calmly replies "Yeah I did! We had a wonderful time!"

Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.

Very well, says God, let us see if Jesus has fared any better.

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?

God chuckles, Everybody knows… Jesus saves.

A Greek and an Indian...

... were drinking tea one day discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Indian replies, "That is true, but we are the ones who introduced it to women."

It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...

One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.

Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.

A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate, "so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"


WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

Jesus VS Satan

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves"

4 explorers find land north of the United States

4 explorers find land north of the United States, and decide to claim it as their own. They make a simple flag out of some leaves and stick it in the ground.

"Looks great, eh?" An explorer says.

A second explorer agrees. "Yeah, it's perfect! We can call it the official flag of... um..."

"...We need a name for this place, eh?" A third explorer says.

Everyone else nods in agreement. They start thinking of names for their new land, but can't really find one they like.

"How about this?" An explorer says. "We can write down some letters and throw them in a hat, then pick some at random and see if that helps."

The other explorers agree. "Sure, why not." "I suppose it can't hurt." "Worth a shot, eh?" So they write down some letters and throw them in a hat. Three explorers pick a letter at random, while the fourth one grabs some more writing supplies.

"Okay, what did you all get?"

"I got a 'C', eh?"

"I got a 'N', eh?"

"I got a 'D', eh?"

And so the new land was named, "CANADA".

In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.

That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.

Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW

They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."

If two alligators have reach an agreement...

... do they have a crocodeal?

A Scottish Sargent knocks on a whore-house door.

When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."

Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company Ho!"

Arguing with my wife is like reading an End User License Agreement

I don't understand much of what she's saying and end up clicking on 'I Agree' anyway

Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."

The second footballer nods in agreement, "I'm from Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."

The third footballer frowns. "Well lads," he sighs, "I play for Arsenal... but I'm not hungry."

Arguing....

Arguing with your wife is like reading a Software Licence Agreement. In the end, you just ignore everything and click "Agree".

I don't see why the Paris agreement is such a big deal

Thousands of guys have pulled out of Paris before

LAWYERS DON'T LIE

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have?

He answered : "12 children.

The agent asked "Where are the others?'

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother.

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

A gay Republican impregnants a Lesbian Democrat at a crazy house party. They decide to share custody of the child.

It was a bi-party-son agreement.

Common ground among the German people

What are the German people in agreement with when discussing over-entitled children and expired sausages?

That Spoiled Brats are the Wurst

Did you hear the story of how Canada was named?

Many years ago, all the elders came together to name their wonderful country. The elders argued for many days, and could not come to an agreement on the name. One brilliant elder came up with a great idea, they would put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, pull them out, one at a time, and that's what the name of their new country would be.

Of course, the elder who came up with the idea was chosen to pull the letters out of the hat.
C, eh.
N, eh.
D, eh

Russia, U. K. and U.S.A. just signed a monetary agreement.

A pound of rubles will cost a dollar.

The scene is West Germany, circa 1974

A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"

"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes, then goes to the door, leans out into the street, and calls out:

"All right, men! Fall in!"

* British Army of the Rhine; originally an occupation force and later a defence force under the NATO umbrella.

A woman accidently used glue for lubricant...

After she told her best friend about the mix up, the friend said: "This story stays between us, the less people that know about this the better."

The woman nodded in agreement... "Yeah that's right, my lips are sealed."

A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside....

A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside of a deli when a nicely-dressed, affluent young boy walks past them. The Priest looks at the boy and whispers aloud "Wow, I'd love to screw that boy". The rabbi leans over, nodding in agreement and asks "Out of what?".

Girlfriend broke up with me for being handsome with long hair...

On her way out she says, you're always lion . All I could do was nod in agreement.

A Buddhist and a Pantheist...

A Buddhist and a Pantheist are discussing the self and they eventually they come to an agreement: if it's not one thing, it's Anatta.

[OC]

They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip."

Trump would never pull out of that.

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man's wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

What's happening?

It's nothing, just an allergy. This happens all the time, the first cop says.

But someone died, the owner replies.

The second cop retorts Yeah, it's just another nut case.

Trump only pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement because he was standing up for his own kind

After all, he is just a load of hot air

Why did Bill Clinton sign the NAFTA agreement? [NSFW]

He loves a giant sucking sound.

So two physicists are talking...

So two physicists are disusing what they think would happen if an unstoppable force met an unmovable object. After being unable to reach agreement, the first physicist declared that the only way they could know was to design an experiment, but has no idea how to accomplish such a feat. The second physicist says "Simple. Just give me five minutes alone with your mother."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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