Agreement Jokes
77 agreement jokes and hilarious agreement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about agreement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Ever heard of an agreement joke? Check out this fun set of jokes to make you laugh. We'll cover subject verb agreements, fines, treaties and celibacy! Enjoy a few lighthearted jokes on the topic of agreements.
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Funniest Agreement Short Jokes
Short agreement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The agreement humour may include short consent jokes also.
- The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.
- Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement... ... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.
- I really want to tell you all what makes Indian curry taste so great. But I had to sign a Naan disclosure agreement.
- ME AS AN INDIAN RESTAURANT WAITER: I can show you how we make our bread, but I'll need to you sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement first.
- I recently signed an apartment lease... Below where I signed on the lease agreement I had my dad cosign
Now we're tan. - WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs … as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.
- In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement. That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.
- Arguing with my wife is like reading an End User License Agreement I don't understand much of what she's saying and end up clicking on 'I Agree' anyway
- I don't see why the Paris agreement is such a big deal Thousands of guys have pulled out of Paris before
- Did you hear that paris hilton has agreed to climb Mt. Everest? It's being called the Paris climb it agreement.
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Agreement One Liners
Which agreement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with agreement? I can suggest the ones about accord and agree to disagree.
- What do you call an agreement between two forests? A tree-ty!
- If two alligators have reach an agreement... ... do they have a crocodeal?
- My lawyer dumped me after I said I hated U2. He was working under a Pro Bono agreement.
- Due to Policy Changes Prenuptial's will now be called End User License Agreements
- How can California secede from the Us without any documents or agreements? Earthquakes
- Breaking: Betsy DeVos has cancelled.... the subject-verb agreement.
- My ex and I split up with no hostility... We had a non-diss closure agreement
- "We've updated our privacy agreements." Hits I accept without reading the changes.
- The Munich agreement was a peace of sheet.
- You could tell the priests at the wedding were in agreement. They were on the same Page.
- The Munich Agreement was a mistake. Just Czech out how much damage it caused.
- We named our kid Eula.. Cause like with an End User License Agreement, we just hit agree.
- The goal of life is living in agreement with Chuck Norris.
- Why does a council of horses never reach an agreement? Everybody neighs.
- What do you call an agreement with a dog on not eating sweets? A treaty.
Great Agreement Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about agreement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean acceptance jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make agreement pranks.
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
Divorce
A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."
So two physicists are talking...
So two physicists are disusing what they think would happen if an unstoppable force met an unmovable object. After being unable to reach agreement, the first physicist declared that the only way they could know was to design an experiment, but has no idea how to accomplish such a feat. The second physicist says "Simple. Just give me five minutes alone with your mother."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.
When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Common ground among the German people
What are the German people in agreement with when discussing over-entitled children and expired sausages?
That Spoiled Brats are the Wurst
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kraft Heinz Company And H-E-B (H.E.b**... Grocery, of Texas) Group Sign Definitive Merger Agreement...
... to form the Heiny-Butts Company. (Cr
"Did you sign the nondisclosure agreement?"
"To not disclose what?"
"Then you DID sign the agreement! "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...
One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.
Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.
A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate, "so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"
A woman accidently used glue for lubricant...
After she told her best friend about the mix up, the friend said: "This story stays between us, the less people that know about this the better."
The woman nodded in agreement... "Yeah that's right, my lips are sealed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
Why the different branches of the military can't work together:
The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.
Four across...
Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:
"A word, four across, ending with unt..."
The other man asks him:
"Well, what's the clue?"
He replies:
"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."
"Aunt?"
"Ah, yes it is!"
The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.
"Can I borrow an eraser?"
They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip."
Trump would never pull out of that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear that Donald Trump ripped up the Paris Agreement today?
Unfortunately he grabbed the wrong one, and now the US is a British colony again.
They say comedy equals tragedy plus time, but who has time for that?
That's the whole joke... sorry... Have a haiku?
Life is but a joke
Behind everybody's face
Skulls smile agreement
John Conyers, Al Franken, and Roy Moore walk into a bar
What happens next is subject to a mutually binding Non-Disclosure Agreement
Russia, U. K. and U.S.A. just signed a monetary agreement.
A pound of rubles will cost a dollar.
What does Nvidia and Donald trump have in common.
They both use hush agreements to silence their "partners"
In unexpected twist attorney Michael Cohen is suing his Michael Cohen for breach of a confidentiality agreement.
Girlfriend broke up with me for being handsome with long hair...
On her way out she says, you're always lion . All I could do was nod in agreement.
Define Marriage?
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
A Buddhist and a Pantheist...
A Buddhist and a Pantheist are discussing the self and they eventually they come to an agreement: if it's not one thing, it's Anatta.
[OC]
Trump and USMCA
Why did Trump call it the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement? Because United States-Canada And Mexico was too honest an acronym.
Owning a restaurant in India is hard, the locals hold a grudge against me but we finally came to a mutual agreement.
No beef now.
My wife and I have finally reached an agreement on our next vacation destination. I got so excited I had to change my pants.
I love coming to a consensus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep...
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep.
He turns on the lights and begins tying them each to a chair.
Before he can grab the wife, the husband yells: "Honey, my birthday presents! Use them!"
The woman nods in agreement and rips open her top to reveal a pair of enormous, symmetrical plastic h**....
The husband yells: "No! I meant the golf clubs from last year!"
A man walks into an Indian restaurant.
The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?
The man replies, No, I haven't.
The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.
I met a sorceress in the desert once
She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced
Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly sand witch
Everyone loves my "moderately large business agreement" costume at this fancy dress party.
I'm kind of a big deal.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after 3½ years of marriage, he is seeking a divorce from wife, Marla Maples. According to Trump, Maples violated part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn 30.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God vs Satan
In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and h**... dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"
Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"
A minister and his friend in the congregation were fans of rival sports teams.
When they were due to play each other, the two made a gentleman's agreement not to pray for their team.
The minister's team ended up losing quite badly, and he decided to tease his friend about it from the pulpit on Sunday.
"My friends, you know that Doug and I back different teams. We said we wouldn't pray for our team to win, but obviously, Doug cheated," he grinned at his friend and the congregation chuckled.
"Preacher, I didn't do that," Doug shot back. "I just asked God to let the best team win!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation
t**... for tat you could say
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Religion is like a End-user license agreement...
Everyone is so eager to sign up and enjoy the benefits that they skip reading the rules and have no clue what kind of crazy s**... they've agreed to.
My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.
On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.
Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.
Agreement
My wife and I have an agreement that works...
She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.
