Great Agreement Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
Mutual Agreement
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so s**... and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me s**... so I would be attracted to you!"
Divorce
A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."
So two physicists are talking...
So two physicists are disusing what they think would happen if an unstoppable force met an unmovable object. After being unable to reach agreement, the first physicist declared that the only way they could know was to design an experiment, but has no idea how to accomplish such a feat. The second physicist says "Simple. Just give me five minutes alone with your mother."
A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.
When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"
Common ground among the German people
What are the German people in agreement with when discussing over-entitled children and expired sausages?
That Spoiled Brats are the Wurst
Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...
... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...
One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.
Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.
A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate, "so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"
A woman accidently used glue for lubricant...
After she told her best friend about the mix up, the friend said: "This story stays between us, the less people that know about this the better."
The woman nodded in agreement... "Yeah that's right, my lips are sealed."
You can explore agreement celibacy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean agreement covenant dad jokes. There are also agreement puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
My ex and I split up with no hostility...
We had a non-diss closure agreement
Breaking: Betsy DeVos has cancelled....
the subject-verb agreement.
Four across...
Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:
"A word, four across, ending with unt..."
The other man asks him:
"Well, what's the clue?"
He replies:
"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."
"Aunt?"
"Ah, yes it is!"
The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.
"Can I borrow an eraser?"
Arguing with my wife is like reading an End User License Agreement
I don't understand much of what she's saying and end up clicking on 'I Agree' anyway
In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.
That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.
They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip."
Trump would never pull out of that.
Did you hear that Donald Trump ripped up the Paris Agreement today?
Unfortunately he grabbed the wrong one, and now the US is a British colony again.
I don't see why the Paris agreement is such a big deal
Thousands of guys have pulled out of Paris before
Trump only pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement because he was standing up for his own kind
After all, he is just a load of hot air
If two alligators have reach an agreement...
... do they have a crocodeal?
A gay Republican impregnants a Lesbian Democrat at a crazy house party. They decide to share custody of the child.
It was a bi-party-son agreement.
What do you call an agreement between two forests?
A tree-ty!
Russia, U. K. and U.S.A. just signed a monetary agreement.
A pound of rubles will cost a dollar.
A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside....
A Priest and a Rabbi are chatting outside of a deli when a nicely-dressed, affluent young boy walks past them. The Priest looks at the boy and whispers aloud "Wow, I'd love to screw that boy". The rabbi leans over, nodding in agreement and asks "Out of what?".
Girlfriend broke up with me for being handsome with long hair...
On her way out she says, you're always lion . All I could do was nod in agreement.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
A Buddhist and a Pantheist...
A Buddhist and a Pantheist are discussing the self and they eventually they come to an agreement: if it's not one thing, it's Anatta.
[OC]
Why shouldn't you make a agreement with wolverine ?
Because of his retractable Clause
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep...
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep.
He turns on the lights and begins tying them each to a chair.
Before he can grab the wife, the husband yells: "Honey, my birthday presents! Use them!"
The woman nods in agreement and rips open her top to reveal a pair of enormous, symmetrical plastic h**....
The husband yells: "No! I meant the golf clubs from last year!"
Arguing....
Arguing with your wife is like reading a Software Licence Agreement. In the end, you just ignore everything and click "Agree".
WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs
… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.
ME AS AN INDIAN RESTAURANT WAITER:
I can show you how we make our bread, but I'll need to you sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement first.
I met a sorceress in the desert once
She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced
Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly sand witch
Everyone loves my "moderately large business agreement" costume at this fancy dress party.
I'm kind of a big deal.
I recently signed an apartment lease...
Below where I signed on the lease agreement I had my dad cosign
Now we're tan.
God vs Satan
In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and h**... dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"
Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"
I'm not allowed to share the recipe for the bread we have at the Indian restaurant.
It's a naan disclosure agreement.
A minister and his friend in the congregation were fans of rival sports teams.
When they were due to play each other, the two made a gentleman's agreement not to pray for their team.
The minister's team ended up losing quite badly, and he decided to tease his friend about it from the pulpit on Sunday.
"My friends, you know that Doug and I back different teams. We said we wouldn't pray for our team to win, but obviously, Doug cheated," he grinned at his friend and the congregation chuckled.
"Preacher, I didn't do that," Doug shot back. "I just asked God to let the best team win!"
Did you hear that Paris Hilton has agreed to climb Mt. Everest?
It's being called the Paris climb it agreement.
Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation
t**... for tat you could say
Religion is like a End-user license agreement...
Everyone is so eager to sign up and enjoy the benefits that they skip reading the rules and have no clue what kind of crazy s**... they've agreed to.
My lawyer dumped me after I said I hated U2.
He was working under a Pro Bono agreement.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.
My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.
On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.
Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.
Agreement
My wife and I have an agreement that works...
She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.
I really want to tell you all what makes Indian Curry taste so great.
But I had to sign a Naan disclosure agreement.
