Gather Around for Fun Agree Jokes and Laughter with Friends
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
So a guy is trying to pick up a girl at a bar
After a couple drinks he asks the girl, "Hey, wanna come back to my place for a good time?"
She replies, "Oh...sorry, but I don't agree with having s**... before marriage."
He says, "Well that's a good thing because I'm already married!"
Health Class
Three boys received their grades from their s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.
"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"
An order of monks are selling flowers...
...illegally on the lawn of the p**... Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Agreeable Caesar
He came, he saw, and he concurred.
The right price
A man approaches a woman in a bar:
-- Miss, if I offer you a million dollars, would you agree to have s**... with me?
-- Yes, of course.
-- But what if I give you only $50?
-- Are you crazy? What kind of woman do you think I am?
-- That's what we established earlier, now I'm just trying to negotiate the price.
Two martial artists...
...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an épée. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen feinted.
A joke for the cerebral...What do you call it when a bunch of crows agree to meet later?
Premeditated m**....
Two out-of-work Mexicans knock on a rich guy's door - looking for odd jobs
The rich guy feels for them, so he says, "I'll give you 100 bucks to go out back and paint my porch."
The Mexicans can't believe their luck - and agree. The rich guy gives them a few gallons of paint and some brushes.
About an hour later, they knock on the door. The guy answers, and the Mexicans tell him they are done. He says, "I can't believe you're done so fast. That should have taken at least 5 hours."
One of the Mexicans says, "We are done, Senor. But I have to tell you - that wasn't no porch. That was a Mercedes."
Guys that try and pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic..
Girls, if you agree message me your number so we can talk about it.
You can explore agree treaty reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean agree relaxation dad jokes. There are also agree puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The big bed...
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
So I've got some buddies...
They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical m**... to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.
As a customs officer, I don't always agree with people...
...but I see where they come from.
A man enters a golfing tournament...
... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:
"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.
(A priest joke with 100% less p**...!)
The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise
The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.
They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"
The man looked surprised.
The eyebrows said, "Thank you."
A couple are walking through St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
The man says, "I think it's raining."
His wife disagrees, "No, it's snowing!"
Unable to agree, the man says, "why don't we ask the nice Communist officer over here? He's always right! Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," said the officer before walking off.
"See?" the husband says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,
but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."
WAR BOARDER
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a r**... in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
It's ok to believe in life after love.
Cher if you agree.
I like to do my laundry n**... so that all my clothes are clean.
Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...
.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...
...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."
Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...
... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.
Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA
you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says
My girlfriend and I could never agree on holidays...
I wanted to fly to exotic places and stay in luxurious five-star hotels. And she wanted to come with me.
What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?
They should allow guns at the Republican convention
It was time to name Canada
All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name.
The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?"
The next drew, "N, eh?"
Finally the last maple head drew and said, "D, eh?"
The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...
...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.
My wife believes in compromise
If we agree on something we do it my way, and if we disagree we do it her way.
TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children
The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
Five out of six people agree
Russian roulette is completely safe.
Two blondes and a brunette
One day two blondes and a brunette got stuck in an elevator.
One blonde starts to yell, Help!!!
Then the other one, Help!!!
The brunette suggests, Come on girls, let's scream together, it will be louder.
OK, agree the blondes, Together!!! Together!!!
I know that we don't all agree on our new president
But at least the first lady is someone we can all get behind.
Sure, I could agree with you....
Buy why should we BOTH be wrong?
Some people believe you can talk to the dead. Some people believe you can't.
But all of them agree I shouldn't have tried to do it at the f**...
To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license.
Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"
The Bet
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely n**...."
They agree to her unusual request and she strips n**... from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."
My girlfriends says I'm not opinionated enough.
I agree with her.
Why do cellular biologists never agree with mathematicians?
For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.
Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.
The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:
"What happened to the cheese?"
They replied:
"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be the holes."
What is the one thing that everyone can agree on?
Terms and Conditions
Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?
Welcome to the shutdown...
If you don't agree with someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
Not only will you be a mile away from them, you'll also have their shoes.
Nine of ten doctors agree:
Getting paid to endorse things is awesome
5 out of 6 doctors agree...
That Russian Roulette is completely safe.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body
I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.
So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a r**... in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.
Retweet if you agree.
A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident.
Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.
A friend of mine likes to argue the case for walking around with his g**... exposed.
I don't agree but I can see where he's coming from.
If water with ice is iced water...
... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?
>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<
s**... education
Three boys received their grades from their female s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
One day we should get her for this, said the first boy.
I agree. We'll grab her... said the second.
Yeah, said the third. And then we'll kick her in the nuts!
If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses
Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
I'll show myself out
When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries of mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agree with, but
I couldn't pick a side
Some y**... had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.
We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.
I just f**... on my wallet
Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)
Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.
Must say, I'm inclined to agree.
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.
They are shown into a room where a n**... woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.
The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.
The engineer walks halfway across the room.
"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"
"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"
Why did the circle agree with the triangle?
The triangle had a point.
The band Linkin Park couldn't agree where to have dinner. They could have Chinese, Mexican..
..Indian. It doesn't even matter.
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
Was on a plane having a snooze and the guy in the seat next to me RUDELY wakes me up and says "We're about to land, I think you're supposed to put the window shutter back up"
That's the last time I agree to having him as my co-pilot.
Liz Cheney will agree to dismantle the January 6 Commission under one condition
That is if Donald Trump can go on a hunting trip with her Dad.
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him That's it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin. They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him Well, did you do it? The worker says, No, the line there was much longer than the line here.
Finally, a fact both Democrats and Republicans can agree on!
"Anyone with half a brain knows Trump won."
Thailand and China could not agree on trade relations,
China would not accept the official Thai Baht currency, but Thailand saw that China would readily accept South Korean Won with no problems.
Thailand decided they would try to get around the issue by purchasing a large amount of Korean *Won* to use for international trading,
But China still would not recognize Thai *Won* as legitimate.
What's a religious saying atheists can agree with?
He who fears god has nothing to fear
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But..I know where you are coming from.
Why did the Japanese name a car Datsun?
The Japanese built a new car but they could not agree on a name. They knew the Germans were really good at naming cars so they called them up on Friday and told them they need a name by Monday. The Germans said Dat soon?!
Agreement
My wife and I have an agreement that works...
She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.
Be careful driving on Christmas
The roads will be crazy. A lot of guys get drunk so their wives will be driving.
I don't agree with this joke. I just heard it and wanted to see the reaction here.
I once had an abusive girlfriend.
Her name was Lorraine. Whenever she didn't agree with something I said or did, she would strike me all over the body, but punching me in the eye was most common. That left me with black eyes almost constantly. I had enough. I broke up with her after five months of a**.... I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone.
My wife said, The Last of Us is a strange show, don't you agree?
Me: Yeah, but I've seen Stranger Things on Netflix.
