Agony Jokes

Following is our collection of discomfort humor and anguish one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Agony puns for adults, dirty breaths jokes or clean dolor gags for kids.

There is an abundance of sadness jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 29 funniest jokes on agony. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bare witze you can hear about agony.

The Best jokes about Agony

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.

That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?

No I'm a blonde , she replies.

I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"

I've gone from agony to ecstasy in this last week. Hopefully, by the end of this month...

...I'll be done reading this dictionary.

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you moron! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

The Royal Honeymoon.

On the day of her wedding to Prince William, Catherine gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Catherine's feet are in agony.

The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear William say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispers Camilla to the Prince Charles, "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they hear William say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," says the Prince Charles. "Once an Etonian, always an Etonian."


As she lay there in screaming agony...

her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

My wife

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

A brunette and the Doctor....

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

My daughter was playing hopscotch by herself...

So my daughter was playing hopscotch, and recited the words "*Step on a crack, and break your mother's back"

And then my wife's back bent over, I then shouted at her to stop playing, but she continued and then recited "*Step on a line and break your father's spine*"

And then the neighbor next door shouted in agony with his back bent.

FOUR!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position...still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

'Feels great,' he replied, 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'


I saw a woman rolling on the ground in agony.

She looked at me and yelled, "Don't just stand there!"

So I started doing star jumps.

A Russian and a Jew were on the battlefield.

The jew, hurt badly, was in agony:

-Ivan, I'm in a lot of paint. Shoot me and end my suffering.

-I can't, Avraham, I'm out of bullets.

-I'll sell you a few, Ivan.

A Drunk is on his way home from a bar...

He stumbles and backs himself against an advertising pillar. He slowly continues his walk with his hands still on the advertising pillar for aid, going around once, twice, three times...

With a scream of agony he suddenly slumps to the ground and cries out loud:

"Dear God! I'm walled in!"

A blonde visits her doctor...

... and says to him: "Doc, I am in total agony. Every single part of my body just hurts so much!"

The doctor asks her to give some examples, and she proceeds to touch her forehead. Upon doing this, she screams from pain. She touches her shoulders and tears appear in her eyes. She reaches for her stomach and she starts jumping around due to the pain. After touching her knees and being in pain again, she begs the doctor if she could please stop giving him examples where it hurts, she just wants a remedy.

The doc looks at her for a while, before coming to the conclusion: "Ma'am, your fingers seem to be broken..."

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard when he heard someone sobbing. He turned down a row of headstones to see a man kneeling in front of a grave and wailing.

"How could you do this to me?! ?" He cried. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second is agony! Why didn't you say anything?!" he paused when he noticed he wasn't alone.

"I'm sorry for your loss." the groundskeeper said awkwardly. "You must miss your wife terribly."

"My wife?" The kneeling man said through his tears.

"This grave belongs to her first husband!"

I live in a state of constant agony.

That state is Missouri.

As she lay there in screaming agony...

As she lay there in screaming agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

Brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


i'm writing a book on overcoming foot pain

it's called the agony of defeat

Another jewish gag

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"

What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon?

"Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!"

What dries your clothes but can also make you writhe around in agony?

A tumblr.

Marathon

Just won my first marathon. I am experiencing the thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.

Ronda Rousey in her latest match..

She really did suffer the agony of da feet.

Man goes to a doctor complaining of eye pain...

Every time he drinks his tea. The doctor offers him a cup of tea and tells him to drink it. The guy puts two lumps of sugar in and stirs with a spoon and drinks while shouting in agony. He then says see doctor, it happens every time!
The doctor nods, then removes the tea spoon from the cup and says I have cured you now!

An Italian soccer player walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar. He says: *Ouch* .
An Italian soccer player walks into a bar. He **SCREAMS IN PAIN, CLUTCHING HIMSELF IN AGONY YELLS AT PEOPLE NEARBY AT RANDOM TO CALL THE POLICE, CONTINUES SCREAMING FOR MINUTES ON END, UNTIL HE FINALLY FAINTS VIOLENTLY.**

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

Stirlitz

Stirlitz saw how two German soldiers pour a gasoline on a cat and set it on fire. Poor cat runs in agony and after few seconds fall on ground and dies. He ran out of fuel - Stirlitz said.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes