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Agony Jokes

34 agony jokes and hilarious agony puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about agony that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh away your pain with these offbeat "agony aunt" jokes that will have you in stitches despite the profanities and discomforts that life may throw your way. Connect with the thorns of life and put the worries aside with these witty jokes.

Funniest Agony Short Jokes

Short agony jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The agony humour may include short suffering jokes also.

  1. I've gone from agony to ecstasy in this last week. Hopefully, by the end of this month... ...I'll be done reading this dictionary.
  2. As she lay there in screaming agony... her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.
  3. My wife Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.
  4. I saw a woman rolling on the ground in agony. She looked at me and yelled, "Don't just stand there!"
    So I started doing star jumps.
  5. In the past week, I went from agony to ecstasy. At this rate, I'll finish reading the dictionary by the end of the month.
  6. What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon? "Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!"
  7. Stirlitz Stirlitz saw how two German soldiers pour a gasoline on a cat and set it on fire. Poor cat runs in agony and after few seconds fall on ground and dies. He ran out of fuel - Stirlitz said.
  8. Marathon Just won my first marathon. I am experiencing the thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.
  9. Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death. It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
  10. Chuck Norris once got his arm stuck in a canyon.
    After 5 days of pain and agony, Chuck Norris had to amputate the canyon.
    It was a tough choice...

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Agony One Liners

Which agony one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with agony? I can suggest the ones about pains and misery.

  1. I live in a state of constant agony. That state is Missouri.
  2. i'm writing a book on overcoming foot pain it's called the agony of defeat
  3. What dries your clothes but can also make you writhe around in agony? A tumblr.
  4. Ronda Rousey in her latest match.. She really did suffer the agony of da feet.
  5. What's the definition of agony? Teeth marks on the back of a toilet door.....

Agony joke, What's the definition of agony?

Great Agony Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about agony you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grief jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make agony pranks.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.
That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?
No I'm a blonde , she replies.
I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"

A man goes to a doctors office, and says Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, I think you have a broken finger.

A lawyer is driving his Ferrari...

...when suddenly he loses control and drives straight into a tree. A few moments later, another man pulls up beside him and asks him if he is alright.
"My Ferrari!" Cries the lawyer, "Its gone!"
The man says to him, "You're so focused on your supercar that you haven't noticed that your whole left arm is gone!"
The lawyer looks at what used to be his arm, screams in agony and at the top of his lungs yells;
"MY ROLEX!!!"

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit s**... by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

A brunette and the Doctor....

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

My daughter was playing hopscotch by herself...

So my daughter was playing hopscotch, and recited the words "*Step on a crack, and break your mother's back"
And then my wife's back bent over, I then shouted at her to stop playing, but she continued and then recited "*Step on a line and break your father's spine*"
And then the neighbor next door shouted in agony with his back bent.

Brunette?

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes...
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you"...?
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde"...
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken"...

A Russian and a Jew were on the battlefield.

The jew, hurt badly, was in agony:
-Ivan, I'm in a lot of paint. Shoot me and end my suffering.
-I can't, Avraham, I'm out of bullets.
-I'll sell you a few, Ivan.

Hole in the wall

A guy was walking next to a prison and he could hear the inmates shouting repeadetly "SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN". The curiosity got the better out of him and he decided to take a peek through a small hole he saw in the wall. The man screamed in agony as he got poked in the eye from the other side and the inmates started shouting "EIGHT, EIGHT, EIGHT, EIGHT".

As she lay there in screaming agony...

As she lay there in screaming agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

A Drunk is on his way home from a bar...

He stumbles and backs himself against an advertising pillar. He slowly continues his walk with his hands still on the advertising pillar for aid, going around once, twice, three times...
With a scream of agony he suddenly slumps to the ground and cries out loud:
"Dear God! I'm walled in!"

Another jewish gag

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"

Man goes to a doctor complaining of eye pain...

Every time he drinks his tea. The doctor offers him a cup of tea and tells him to drink it. The guy puts two lumps of sugar in and stirs with a spoon and drinks while shouting in agony. He then says see doctor, it happens every time!
The doctor nods, then removes the tea spoon from the cup and says I have cured you now!

An Italian soccer player walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar. He says: *Ouch* .
An Italian soccer player walks into a bar. He **SCREAMS IN PAIN, CLUTCHING HIMSELF IN AGONY YELLS AT PEOPLE NEARBY AT RANDOM TO CALL THE POLICE, CONTINUES SCREAMING FOR MINUTES ON END, UNTIL HE FINALLY FAINTS VIOLENTLY.**

Agony joke, An Italian soccer player walks into a bar...