Ago Jokes
102 ago jokes and hilarious ago puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ago that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ago Short Jokes
Short ago jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ago humour may include short past jokes also.
- Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
- Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties. Now they're spreading like wildfire.
- Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
- I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it... Apparently, she left me two days ago...
- Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
- I broke up with a guy years ago due to his obsession with counting... .... I wonder what he's up to these days.
- A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots. - Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs. It was the original trip advisor.
- 10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
- I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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Ago One Liners
Which ago one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ago? I can suggest the ones about previous and fortnight.
- I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear
- A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.
- I bought a chainsaw 10 years ago it stihl works
- Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf I haven't heard from him since.
- I started a diet two weeks ago So far I've lost 14 days
- I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd. It was here a minute ago
- Steven Hawkings last words were probably 30 years ago.
- 10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds... Sure don't miss her!!
- I sent my hearing aids in for repairs three weeks ago I haven't heard anything since
- What's the deal with this new thing called Fortnite? Saw it a couple of weeks ago
- Would it be dangerous for a human to live 65 million years ago? You bet jurassic would.
- The Titanic disaster happened 106 years ago today... Just let that sink in
- Grandmother's in a better place now... Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.
- I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago But it feels like it was just yesterday
- 3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny.
Rib-Tickling Ago Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about ago you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean awhile jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ago pranks.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
It's a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin...Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock
me: Who's there?
him: A snail
me: a snail who?
him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not everything donald trump says is s**....
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.
After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.
You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.
Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.
Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.
So I guess this means you were Batman too.
A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago
A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.
I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.
Why are there no transvestites in space?
Because there is zero drag.
^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting it's a boy it's a boy with tears streaming down his face.
We never went back to Thailand.
A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl
She asked me for my number.
I told her that we usually use names.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...
I still do, but I used to, too.
18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.
My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"
My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?
A f**....
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have s**... ?
Colonel:1955.
She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?
The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!
Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times.
10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.
2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.
After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...
Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago
Chuck Norris actually died four years ago
Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What must you have if you want to c**... a train?
A loco motive.
I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses
Oh how the stables have turned
After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.
He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...
My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, m**...?!"
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.
Both times she said no
Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend
She says to her husband, 'see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, 'that explains why he is still celebrating'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are pirates a**... men or t**... men
a**... men. It's all about the quality of the b**..., not the size of the chest.
Came up with this a few months ago and keep forgetting to post it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Must be one-of-a-kind...
Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.
The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".
A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice
It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.
My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.
We think that's what killed her.
Man goes to a wizard
A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck!
I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...
...and as you can see, they were Wright
I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!
The only problem is I'm British...
A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?''
He replies "He's a magician."
She asks "Is he good?"
He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago."
I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"
This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!
About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia
Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.
What can you say about your car but not about your girlfriend?
"It died a few weeks ago but I still use parts of it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm ready for a holiday.
p**... says to m**...,
I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
m**... asks,
"So what are you going to do this year?"
p**... replies,
"I'll b**... take her with me!"
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out
because Santa didn't come.
Last Names.
It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.
JUST ANNOUNCED: Disney in talks of a Star Wars - Back to the Future crossover where Marty flies so far back in time (long, long ago) that he fuses with his car
He becomes the ManDeLorean
Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel
Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)
That pig is a hero.
One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
Just realized that the song "Take On Me" was released almost 38 years ago...
Bit of an A-ha moment for me.
Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said I'm the second guy to walk on the moon...
Neil before me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.
I told her it that it would be much easyier now.
6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey England, you know what oday is?
Where's the T?
We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".
Hearing aid
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.
A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes
Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.
The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind brother so that's why it bothered her. One day I got a call, and found out that she got in a car accident and lost her sight.
After that she just stopped seeing me.
My Dad had a headache the other day so I asked if he needed any pills.
He said "The only pills that could have stopped this head ache should have been taken 16 years ago"
I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago
he didn't explain why he gave it a one star tho
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old h**... joke
Some time ago, a medium contacted h**...'s spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what h**... had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..
She's my Seoul mate.
