Aging Jokes

Following is our collection of older humor and elderly one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Aging puns for adults, dirty senile jokes or clean outweigh gags for kids.

There is an abundance of geriatric jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 20 funniest jokes on aging. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any aged witze you can hear about aging.

The Best jokes about Aging

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

Deep sleep prevents aging.

Especially when you are driving.

The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the nearby town for the first time in 30 years.

As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".

THE AGING EXPLORER

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'

I have always avoided illegal narcotics but, now that I've found out that they actually reverse the aging process, I'm going to give them a go.


The Geography of a man and women

THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN AND MEN

The Geography of a Woman


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.

THE END.

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Tomato Garden

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

What does an aging Mafia boss do for his birthday?

Forget about it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because America's aging infrastructure doesn't adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.


A worried man visits his doctor.

He says, Doc, my girlfriend's pregnant but I always use condom! How's that possible?

The doctor replies, Let me tell you a story. Once there was an aging hunter who one day mistakenly took his umbrella instead of his rifle on safari. Later, a lion was suddenly upon him, and the hunter aimed his umbrella at the lion and shot it dead. Can you believe that?

Nonsense! replies the man. Someone else must have shot the lion.

The doctor smiles and says, Glad you got the point of the story.

Aging

A young married couple was invited to their friend's home for dinner one evening. Their host was an elderly 82-year-old couple.

The young couple was impressed by the way the elderly man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms like: "Darling, Sugar, Dear, Honey, Sweetheart," etc.

When the young man was alone with the old man in the veranda, the young man said, "I know both of you have been married for over 60 years and you are still so in love with one another. It's so wonderful after being married for so many years, you can still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man sighed, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 20 years ago."

Apparently the top bestseller in Japan right now is "The Courage to be Disliked"

It's aging well for a book printed in the 1930's.

A research scientist studying porpoises discovers a way to make them live forever.

He discovered that a compound made by immature seagulls makes the porpoises stop aging, as long as they're fed them regularly. To protect his research he bought two lions to guard the lab.
One day he forgets to feed the lions before going out to collect the seagulls, so he's forced to call the police to tranquilize them in front of the door to get back into his lab. As soon as he enters the lab though, he's immediately arrested, for transporting young gulls across stade lions for immortal porpoises.

Women and Wine

I like my women like my wine, aging in the cellar.

Three great things about aging

First is meeting new friends

Second I can't remember

And the third is meeting new friends

Stars Wars is not aging well. After 40 years, Obi-Wan Kenobi cannot be more wrong.

Obi-Wan: "You will **never** find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy"

2017: "Hold my beer"

Q: Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan?

A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought that she had stopped aging.


Did you hear about the urologist who got rich doing scrotal lifts for aging men?

He decided to go for the low hanging fruit

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes