Ages Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

Facts of life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They're calling it 'Islam'.

I was taking my English final and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think' .

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

The two troublemakers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

A boy asks a girl to the prom and she says yes.

He goes to organise a limo at the rental limo place and due to everyone else wanting a limo for the prom he has to wait in line for ages to get one.

He then goes to the flower store to buy her some flowers but again everyone is there buying flowers and he's stuck in line for seems like hours.

After flowers he goes to get his tuxedo at the store and the line is huge again with everyone else getting their tux's too.

He finally makes it to the prom with his date, they arrive and he asks if she wants to go onto the dance floor. She says "I'm a little thirsty, can I get some punch first?" He says "ok" and goes up to get some punch and there is no punchline.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages


Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

Sex through the ages:

Age 20-30: Tri-weekly

Age 30-40: Try weekly

Age 40-50: Try weakly

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a desert

The three friends have been walking for ages and ages, all three think they're going to die there.

Eventually, the Englishman finds a lamp, and he gives it a rub.

A genie pops out and says "each of you can have one wish".

"I want to go home!" the Englishman says, poofing away from the desert

"I want to go home too!" the Scotsman says, poofing, again, away from the desert.

The Irishman, looking quite upset, says



"I want my friends back!"

Not the egg!

Last night, I went to a Halloween party. I showed up dressed as a chicken and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another and a question of the ages was discovered. IT WAS THE CHICKEN!

I was in an English exam and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think'

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.

I told my wife that a Husband ages like wine. We get better with age.

So she locked me in the cellar.

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Nun. They'll sit in the dark ages.

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced to 20yrs solitary confinement.

The judge allows each to choose something to take with them.

-The Englishman takes 20 women with him.

-The Scotsman takes 20 years worth of whiskey.

-The Irishman takes 20 years worth of cigarettes.

After 20 long years they are all released from solitary.

When the Englishman's cell is opened he emerges with multiple children of various ages.

The Scotsman leaves his cell absolutely hammered from 20 years worth of alcohol abuse.

Finally the Irishman emerges from his cell with a cigarette in his hand and asks "anyone have a light?"

I had a relationship with a blind woman

It was challenging but very rewarding. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right

Got in a fight with frequency today

We've been friends for ages, so it kinda hertz.

My sister has two kids, 7 and 9

Those aren't their ages but how much I hate them on a scale from 1-10

The curious monk

A monk in an ancient monastery is doing his daily work, transcribing and recopying the ancient scrolls and scriptures of his tradition that his predecessors wrote, which they copied from their ancestors texts and so on....

The curious monk begins to wonder if in the endless sequence of copying and recopying over the ages, something got misinterpreted or lost in translation: he goes to investigate the archives.

His friends don't hear from him for a few days. They finally find him in the archives, lying in a pool of scrolls and tears. "What's wrong?", they ask him. He cries: "It said CELEBRATE!!!"

I've being trying to find an anagram for "sage".

It's taken me ages and ages, but I still haven't got anything.

What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?

Peter Parkinsons

Two little boys, ages 6 and 8, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 6 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

"We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Two blind pilots

Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...

Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their seats. The pilots went into the cockpit and shut the door behind them. The engines started up, and everything seemed to be going as planned, so the passengers went back to their magazines and forgot about the two blind pilots in the cockpit.

As the plane roared down the runway getting closer and closer to the water at the end, the passengers quickly became worried and started to scream and yell out. With that, the plane lifted smoothly off the ground and into the air. The passengers again went back to their magazines and in the cockpit, the pilot says to the co-pilot: "One day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:

"Get your sword forged for cheap"

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.

The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.

As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.

"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"

"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"

"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."

"More important? Is it the mayor?"

"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"

"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"

"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"

"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"

"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"

A few years back I used to write jokes. I spent ages trying to make a boxing joke.

I just couldn't come up with a punch line

Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed

King: not until i have a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: babe ur a genius



(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)

I had a relationship with a blind girl.It was rewarding but challenging,

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

A letter from his wife. He hasn't seen his family in ages

My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages.

I said "Why? Your Mum's dead".

It's taken me ages...

...but I've finally finished reading Stephen Hawking's book. It's about time.

Feminism is just like a wife…

It starts out nice, but ages badly and ends up hating the man.

I went to a theme park today, but I honestly thought it was a waste of money.

If I wanted to wait ages for a quick thrill, I'd go home to my wife.

What's white, plastic, and not suitable for ages 5 and under?

Michael Jackson

My little Hamster is such a laugh!!

He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until ...

*DING* Then I take him out of the Microwave.

I spent ages trying to think of a decent bin pun.

Turns out, they were all rubbish

Why Weren't There Many Jokes in the Dark Ages?

No one could perform the execution well enough.

Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages?

Knights for dayz

(My nearly 11 kid brother made this up, he's well on his way to being a dad ...)

The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night

12 years old-Having a lot friends

16 years old-Being able to drive

20 years old-Having a lot of sex

34 years old-Having a lot of money

54 years old-Having a lot of sex

65 years old-Being able to drive

70 years old-Having a lot of friends

75 years old-Not peeing in your pants at night

So a while back the Pope went on a visit...

to a city. He was trying to get across town without attracting too much attention, so instead of the Popemobile, he was driving in a heavily armored SUV with very tinted windows.

So the chauffeur is driving the Pope around, and the Pope gets to wondering. "Man," he thinks, "I haven't driven in ages, not since I was a bishop." He promptly orders the chauffeur to pull over and get in the back seat. The Pope gets in front, slams his foot down on the gas, and barrels down Main Street.

The Pope is a terrible driver, and extremely out of practice. He crashes into street lights, fire hydrants, small children, everything. Eventually a police car comes, sirens blaring, and the Pope pulls over.

The cop gets out of his car and taps on the window, and the Pope rolls the window down. The cop and the Pope stare at each other for a while, and then the cop nods and walks back to his squad car. The Pope drives off.

A nearby witness, who has seen the whole thing, runs over to the cop.

"Officer!" he asks, "Why didn't you arrest that man, or at least give him a ticket?"

The cop shakes his head and says: "He's too important to arrest."

The man says: "Who could be so important that they could get away with *that*?"

The cop replies: "I don't know, but he's got the Pope as his driver."

Mike and David are stranded in the desert...

Mike and David are stranded in the desert. They've been walking for ages without food or even a sip of water. All of a sudden in the baron wasteland they find a mosque. David and mike agree that it is their best bet to go to the mosque because there'll be food and shelter. On the way to the mosque mike says "David, let's pretend to be Muslims they'll treat us a lot better. If they ask what my name is I'm gonna say Mohammed". David disagrees and thinks this is a stupid idea. Eventually they get to the mosque and the gates open. They enter inside and immediately the men inside ask their names.
"My names David".
"Come inside David we have food and water for you. What's your name sir"?
"My name is Mohammed".
"Ah come in Mohammed let's pray, fast opens in 6 hours"

Did you hear about the woman who quit her job as Trump's communications director?

Yes, but I thought hope left the White House ages ago.

I heard Dreamworks next picture will be about ale drinking in the Middle Ages...

It's called "How to Drain Your Flagon".

My girlfriend has been waiting for me to finish my book about old clocks for ages.

When I finally gave it to her, all she said was "It's about time!?"

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

There was a meeting for evil clowns to boast about their evil

First, pennywise stepped up and said,"I've killed millions of children!"
Then the joker stepped up and said," I've killed millions of adults without any super powers!"
Then the last of the group, Ronald Mcdonald, stepped up with a smile.
" I've killed millions of all ages without any super powers AND they paid me for it!!"

Why don't unvaccinated kids care about the Middle Ages?

Cause they'll never experience them.

I know this guy who told me he ages backwards.

I don't know though, he was always kidding.

TIL that in the middle ages it was illegal for a blind man to become king...

I mean, I don't see why not

How many superstitious people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they light a candle because they're stuck in the dark ages.

After numerous occasions of my phone taking ages to connect to iCloud, i decided to change its name to Titanic...

it syncs way better now!

Heard my neighbor having sex for what seemed like ages last night. Lots of moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!!!

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for her help. Now I kinda feel guilty about fapping.

What came after the dark ages, but before the enlightenment?

The slightly dim ages.

-Written by my 10 year old brother Acer.

I recently asked a Priest about the passages of Mark 13 and Luke 12 ...

but he insisted that had not seen either of those boys in ages.

Middle Ages Joke

Flower: I will droop my petals a little.
Aspiring gardener: THOU WILT NOT.

Singing French Knights

In the Middle Ages, Western France was known for it singing knights. The most famous group were a bunch of lancers from the town of Brittany. They were known as the Brittany Spears.

Today, I decided to go and meet my good friend Chris Pine.

We hadn't seen each other in ages, but I decided to go and catch up with him for old time's sake. We went on a stroll down the park, waiting in the ice cream line as it was a hot day. Next, we went to a theater, but the phantom of the opera was showing, and the theater line was full. Exasperated, and famished, we decided to head to grab some food and go home. But there was no lunch, pine.

I live next to a church in Cheshire...

...and I invited the bishop over for dinner. Took him ages to arrive - turns out he can only move diagonally.

How did they execute cheapskates in the middle ages?

They had them sketched and nickled

Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?

Because they can't stop saving their work.

Which came first? The guy or the girl?

The guy. And got the record, it took the girl ages to clean it off her blouse

What did they call click bait in the Middle Ages?

Nothing the internet wasn't invented until like the 1970s.

Cinema food

Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven't had a barbecue for ages...

I was thrown out the cinema for bringing my own food

That's completely unfair. The food their is so expensive and I've haven't had a barbecue in ages

Three Elderly Sisters

There were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister's shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A guitarist traveled back in time to the Medieval Ages and became an apprentice to a noble knight

He was a squier.

I can sleep for ages

and not get tired

I like my women like I like my puzzles.

Ages 3-5

I was waiting for ages to play snooker the other night but gave up

The cue was too long

Ethiopia is ages behind the rest of the world.

Happy Ethiopian new year!!! 2011

Have you heard that joke about Peter Pan

Never gets old.



[I can assure you this is a repost. I've just not seen it for ages.]

How do you make sure that your grape ages well?

You need to be raisin it right!

A rouge English cavalier from the Middle Ages is magically sent into the future to depose Thailand's most ruthless dictator.

One knight in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.

How many monastics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nun. They'll sit in the dark ages.

What are the funniest ages jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Ages? Well, here are the best Ages puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Ages pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes