Ages Jokes
118 ages jokes and hilarious ages puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ages that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your friends laugh out loud with these hilarious jokes about the Middle Ages, the Dark Ages, and medieval times. Prepare to be taken on an incredible journey of breathtakingly funny and longer jokes about these ages!
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Funniest Ages Short Jokes
Short ages jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ages humour may include short aged jokes also.
- I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages! - My grandad asked me how to print on his computer... I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
- There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
- Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
- A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you?
Billionaire: I lied about my age
Friend: You said 45?
Billionaire: No! I said 90! - Made up by my elementary-aged kid: How do old people line up? In an elderly fashion. (So proud)
- Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
- TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
- Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
- A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"
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Ages One Liners
Which ages one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ages? I can suggest the ones about aging and older.
- Why were the 'Dark Ages' so dark? Because there were so many Knights.
Just delete me. - What did they call puberty in the middle ages? A midlife crisis
- An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average
- What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? mortgage freeman.
- COVID is so bad in India... That i haven't got a scam call in ages
- CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro Using the innovative 'Old age' technique
- Like most people my age, I'm 23. .
- Yo mama so old... ... I told her to act her age, and she died.
- Why does the army need people under the age of 5? For the Infantry
- Why were they called "the dark ages"? Because it was knight time.
- My wife has the body of a woman half her age. I suppose I should call the police.
- I asked my Dad, "Dad, what did you want to do when you were my age?" "Your mom's sister."
- Deep sleep prevents aging. Especially when you are driving.
- If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
- What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist? Bond. Gold Bond.
Middle Ages Jokes
Here is a list of funny middle ages jokes and even better middle ages puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance. But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.
- Why was the middle aged computer sad? He had a floppy disc.
- I met up with my internet friend yesterday. We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.
- As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking Are you my tinder date?
- How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women? In degrees Karenheit.
- Why couldn't the AntiVaxxer's middle aged son read? He was 2.
- Olympic Sailing results are in! denmark have taken gold
Finland have taken silver
Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise - Sometime in the Middle Ages Queen: come to bed
King: not until i have a name for my soldiers
Queen: k night
King: babe ur a genius
(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter) - Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number. If my wife answers, just hang-up
- Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages? Knights for dayz
(My nearly 11 kid brother made this up, he's well on his way to being a dad ...)
Dark Ages Jokes
Here is a list of funny dark ages jokes and even better dark ages puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Muslim scientists.. Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.
They're calling it 'Islam'. - BC now stands for "Before Coronavirus" and AD is now "After Distancing"
>!Welcome to the new dark ages!< - Why did they call it the dark ages? Because there were so many knights!
- Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights.
- How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Nun. They'll sit in the dark ages.
- The Jewish Year is 5776. As of yesterday, the Chinese year is 4714... That means Jews had to exist for 1,062 years without Chinese Food. They call this time, "The Dark Age."
- I just realized it's called the dark ages because… there were so many knights!
- Why were the Dark Ages a thing? Because there were so many knights.
- Why were they called the dark ages? Because there were a lot of knights.
- Why did they call it the dark ages? Because of all the knights.
Medieval Ages Jokes
Here is a list of funny medieval ages jokes and even better medieval ages puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guitarist traveled back in time to the Medieval Ages and became an apprentice to a noble knight He was a squier.
- What do you call a criminal killed in the medieval ages? Un-t**...-nate.
Playful Ages Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about ages you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean elder jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ages pranks.
I told my wife that a Husband ages like wine. We get better with age.
So she locked me in the cellar.
Cinema food
Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven't had a barbecue for ages...
Heard my neighbor having s**... for what seemed like ages last night. Lots of moaning, groaning and b**... the headboard off the wall!!!
Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for her help. Now I kinda feel guilty about fapping.
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
What's white, plastic, and not suitable for ages 5 and under?
Michael Jackson
My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages.
I said "Why? Your Mum's dead".
s**... through the ages:
Age 20-30: Tri-weekly
Age 30-40: Try weekly
Age 40-50: Try weakly
It's taken me ages...
...but I've finally finished reading Stephen Hawking's book. It's about time.
Why Weren't There Many Jokes in the Dark Ages?
No one could perform the execution well enough.
I have just started a s**... relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?
Peter Parkinsons
I had a relationship with a blind girl.It was rewarding but challenging,
It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
My girlfriend has been waiting for me to finish my book about old clocks for ages.
When I finally gave it to her, all she said was "It's about time!?"
Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?
This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...
Facts of life
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Not the egg!
Last night, I went to a Halloween party. I showed up dressed as a chicken and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.
One thing led to another and a question of the ages was discovered. IT WAS THE CHICKEN!
A few years back I used to write jokes. I spent ages trying to make a boxing joke.
I just couldn't come up with a punch line
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
A boy asks a girl to the prom and she says yes.
He goes to organise a limo at the rental limo place and due to everyone else wanting a limo for the prom he has to wait in line for ages to get one.
He then goes to the flower store to buy her some flowers but again everyone is there buying flowers and he's stuck in line for seems like hours.
After flowers he goes to get his tuxedo at the store and the line is huge again with everyone else getting their tux's too.
He finally makes it to the prom with his date, they arrive and he asks if she wants to go onto the dance floor. She says "I'm a little thirsty, can I get some punch first?" He says "ok" and goes up to get some punch and there is no punchline.
My little Hamster is such a laugh!!
He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until ...
*DING* Then I take him out of the Microwave.
I've being trying to find an anagram for "sage".
It's taken me ages and ages, but I still haven't got anything.
I heard Dreamworks next picture will be about ale drinking in the Middle Ages...
It's called "How to Drain Your Flagon".
Feminism is just like a wife…
It starts out nice, but ages badly and ends up hating the man.
I was taking my English final and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think' .
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.
Spam in the Middle Ages
A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:
"Get your sword forged for cheap"
I went to a theme park today, but I honestly thought it was a waste of money.
If I wanted to wait ages for a quick thrill, I'd go home to my wife.
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
The definition of success is different for different ages
5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night
12 years old-Having a lot friends
16 years old-Being able to drive
20 years old-Having a lot of s**...
34 years old-Having a lot of money
54 years old-Having a lot of s**...
65 years old-Being able to drive
70 years old-Having a lot of friends
75 years old-Not peeing in your pants at night
Male s**... Drive Through The Ages
Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly
Between 33 and 52: Try weekly
52 and up: Try weakly
Did you hear about the woman who quit her job as Trump's communications director?
Yes, but I thought hope left the White House ages ago.
What's a pirate's favourite letter?
A letter from his wife. He hasn't seen his family in ages
My sister has two kids, 7 and 9
Those aren't their ages but how much I hate them on a scale from 1-10
I spent ages trying to think of a decent bin pun.
Turns out, they were all rubbish
It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."
I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away
Why don't unvaccinated kids care about the Middle Ages?
Cause they'll never experience them.
Got in a fight with frequency today
We've been friends for ages, so it kinda hertz.
A man was walking with his three year old daughter.
As they were walking, the man bumped into one of his high school friends.
'I've not seen you in ages! And this is my daughter Beth!'
"And what's Beth short for?'
'She's only three.'
I volunteered to help blind kids from ages 1 to 14
Oh and blind was a verb
I read that the Welsh invented the c**... in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep's intestine.
The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.
They say classical music was written to speak through the ages
Bach to the future.
I was asked to draw tampons throughout the ages but I wonder...
Do they have to be period accurate?
A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages
You could see they're into Relative Dating.
...
*Sigh*
I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.
Please stay gneiss in the comments.
My old school was sponsored by IKEA...
Assembly took ages.
Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?
Because it was the time of knights.
Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home
They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'
Two Irish friends leave the pub
One says to other, I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.
I know, me too, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot, replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?
I can't find a No. 91.
Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
A woman walked up to me holding a bucket
Excuse me, I'm collecting for the local swimming pool
Well it'll take you b**... ages to fill it with that
My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy.
I've been thinking about it for ages.
Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too.
Two blondes are driving to Disneyland...
Well, one's driving....
After what seems like ages they finally are in Anaheim, then they come to a sign that says
"Disneyland Left".
So they went back home.
I was standing outside the gym...
And there was a billboard that said: "OPEN 24/7!"
"That's not very helpful," I told myself. "July is ages away."
###
Billionaire space tourists are like buses …
You wait ages for one to arrive and then two come along at the same time
(Credit : BBC presenter Bill)
random pandemic question
According to history class, they organized wild o**... in the Middle Ages after the victory over the plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.
I once had a relationship with a blind woman
It was very rewarding but also quite challenging.
It took me *ages* to get her husband's voice right.
Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.
The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 5.
My Friend Had Twins Over the Pandemic
I ran into her for the first time in ages and asked how the little ones were doing. She said Amal and Juan were just fine and were growing like weeds.
I asked to see a picture of them and she showed me a single baby on her phone.
Aren't there two of them? I asked.
She replied: Well if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
(This is a bit of a dark joke, I apologize)
A drag queen from TV said this joke ages ago (Darienne Lake) and it's still one of my favorites.
I asked my mom why I was so weird, was I dropped on my head as a baby?
She said 'oh honey…you have to be HELD in order to be dropped.'
What do you call a wicked doctor from the Middle Ages?
Med evil!
Two brothers
Two brothers, ages 8 and 5, wake up one morning, and the older of the two says, "Today we're going to start cursing. I'll say d**... and you say a**...." The younger brother agrees.
Soon, their mother calls them down for breakfast. She asks the older brother what he would like to eat. He replies "I want some d**... Cheerios." His mother is horrified, slaps him across the face and sends him to his room.
She turns to her younger son and asks, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your a**... it won't be Cheerios!"
My 6 year old daughter has been complaining about monsters under her bed for ages.
It seemed cute and funny at the beginning but it's been twenty minutes now, and I'm wondering if I should just crawl out already.
I've just struggled for ages trying to think of a pun worthy of attacking someone over.
Anyone else want to take a stab at a punchline?
A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly
Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so we've had to delay departure until we can locate a new pilot."
Me and wife went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.
The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 4.
Went to the restaurant.
Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.
The Waiter said, I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 10.
