Agents Jokes

Following is our collection of spies humor and nsa one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Agents puns for adults, dirty codename jokes or clean aides gags for kids.

There is an abundance of agencies jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 56 funniest jokes on agents. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any agency witze you can hear about agents.

The Best jokes about Agents

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

I hate people who take drugs.

Like cops, DEA agents...

How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?

The ones with food.

How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

I always say good night to my microwave every morning

I'm in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.


FBI Investigation.

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."

God decides to take a vacation...

So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."

God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."

So the agents says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."

God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."

The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"

God thinks about it again before saying, "No... I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they've been talking about it ever since."

Remember the old times in the Internet?

Where men are men, women are men, and


the national security agents are young children.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,
The agent replies, Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.

3 CIA Agents are Asked to Take on an Important Mission

Three CIA agents are asked to take on an important mission. They need to know that these spies will do whatever they say. So they capture each spies significant other, tie them up and prepare three guns, loaded with blanks.

They bring the first spy in, give him a gun a tell him his wife is in the other room and he has to kill her. The man outright refuses them and says he won't do it. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves.

They bring the second spy in, they also tell him he has to kill his wife. The man goes into the room with his wife, holding the gun in his hand, and comes out after five minutes, crying. "I can't bring myself to do it, I tried, I really did, but I just can't do it." He says. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves.

The third spy comes in and they tell her that her husband is tied up in the next room and she has to kill him. They hand her the gun and she enters the room. There is a brief silence but then some sound of struggle, after a while the sounds stop and she exits the room.

"What happened in there?" They ask.

"The gun you gave me had blanks so I had to beat him to death with a chair."

CIA final test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists:
two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair."


Air Force One

Air Force One was carrying the President over the Atlantic Ocean for an international peace conference. One of the Secret Service agents approached the President, "Sir, there's a problem with the septic system. It's too full and it's starting to ice over."

The President replied, "Can't you just flush the system into the atmosphere?"

Secret service agent says, "No sir, I can't do that"

President asks, "Why not?"

Secret service agent, "Sir, I can't initiate an icy BM launch unless you give me the proper authorization codes."

An old arab in the USA want's to plant potatoes,...

... but being the old age that he is, he cannot. He is sad, so he writes an e-mail to his son, whose studying in London.
"Hello, Ahmad, I'm sad. I'd want to plant potatoes, but I'm old and weak"
The son replies soon:
"DAD, DO NOT DIG IN THE GARDEN!! YOU'LL FIND THE THING!!!"

A week passes, and FBI agents arrive at his house. They dig through every centimetre in the garden, but they found nothing. They leave. The old arab wants to write his son about what happened,when he finds an e-mail from him.

"Hello father, your garden is probably prepared for potatoes. That's all I can do from here. Bye, Ahmad."

E: sorry for spelling, english is my 2nd language

A man goes into a casting agents office

with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"

The agent says "Show me."

The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"

The Dog says "Rough!"

The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"

The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)

The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.

The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"

So there was a competition between polices...

(...) and the three finalists on this efficiency competition were: Interpol, FBI and Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad.

The last assignment was really simple. They should retrieve a small rabbit after being released in a jungle. The group doing it in less time wins.

First went Interpol, with a few agents, smart interrogation techniques, good wits and in 15 minutes they were back with the rabbit.

Next the FBI invaded the jungle with helicopters, infra-red goggles, fast cars, etc., and in 10 minutes they were back with the rabbit.

Last the Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad started the chase only with an old and rusty SUV, to come back with only 5 minutes passed. They showed a poorly dressed, beaten up, bruised black teenager dressed as a rabbit screaming: "I'm a rabbit, I swear I'm a pretty white bunny!"

Donald Trump approaches the wall prototypes.

Donald Trump is approaching the wall prototypes when suddenly a secret service agent yells "Mickey Mouse!".

A man appears to have jumped across the boarder holding something suspicious.

The secret service agents tackle him and the situation is secure.

Someone then asks what the Mickey Mouse shouting was about.
The agent goes "I was startled, I meant to say Donald Duck!"

How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

They're not telling. They would prefer to keep you in the dark.


Just kidding. It's actually [████████████████████](#s)

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of I.R.S. agents do?

The FBI and the Blonde

The year is 2001, and it's post-9/11. The United States is devastated for the tragic event that happened in their country and wants to increase their security. In result, the FBI agrees with recruiting agents in the general public.

A blonde hears about this and signs up for FBI. She enters the room and their is a man in a black suit sitting on one side of the table. The blonde sits down. The FBI agent says:

"In this test, you be given a picture of a man. I will show you this for 5 seconds and you must describe everything that you remember of this man."

The agent pulls out a picture. It's a picture of the side of a man's face. He puts the picture down.

"What do you remember?" said the FBI agent
"Well... that man had one eye!" said the blonde
"No no no!" the FBI agent yelled frustrated. "Lets try this again.

The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man. Then puts it away.

"Now what do you remember?" he said.
The blonde thought for a while then said.
"Um... that man had one ear!"
"No no no! Wrong! I'll give you one last try"

The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man again.

"NOW what did you see?" said the FBI agent
"Um... That man wears contacts!" said the blonde.
"Uh.. What?"

The FBI agent pulled out a piece of paper and examined it for 10 minutes.

"Wow! He does wear contacts! I never knew that! How did you know?"

"Well with one eye and one ear, you can't wear glasses, duh!"


What kind of insects to secret agents like? (as told by my 9 yr old)

Spiders.

My Irish friend Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an real estate agents."

What did the ICE agents say after they finished eating at a diner?

"I think we'll take Juan for the road too."

Why do KGB agents make such good taxi drivers?

You get in and they already know your name and where you live.

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents

They won't ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

Feminist are like sleeper agents

Both have trigger words.

What codename does the CIA give to all of their sleeper agents?

Justin Case.

There were nine INTERPOL agents in a briefing.

They were named INTERPOL 1, INTERPOL 2, and so on. Their names were read out one by one in attendance. As the speaker reached the end, he said "INTERPOL 6, INTERPOL 7, INTERPOL 9." The missing agent stood up and asked why her name wasn't called. The speaker said, "You can figure it out."

I'm not sure why TSA agents tackled me at the airport.

All I did was say hi to my friend Jack.

FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from
her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him
to death with the chair.'

Can't wait for the next Jason Bourne movie. I heard he becomes a Christian and starts a church for ex-treadstone agents...

It's called Bourne Again

A guy comes back after a vacation...

He's in the airport when the custom agents stopped him.

"Sir, open the bag" said the agents.

The man obliges and opens the bag, revealing clothes, hygiene products and a small bottle of transparent liquid.

"What is this, sir?" asks one of the agents.

"Lourdes Holy Water, sir." he answers.

The other agent doesn't believe him, he opens the bottle and sniffs it, before saying:

"Hey, this is vodka!"

The man throws himself on the ground, hands in the air shouting: "IT'S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE!"

A Vulture Goes Through Customs at the Airport

So this vulture is returning home from an much needed overseas vacation. As she passes through the customs line one of the agents asks, "Do you have any checked luggage?" To which the vulture replies, "Nope, just carrion."

Two NSA agents walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hello gentlemen, first time here?"

The agents reply, "Yes it is."

The bartender says, "Great! Would you like to hear our specials?"

The agents go, "No need, we heard them earlier."

Why are IRS agents excellent at Hide-and-Seek?

They can fined anyone.

Never trust bed salesmen

They're all sleeper agents

I guess my parents were secret agents all along.

I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.

How many Gestapo agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!!!!

Courtesy of my brain throwing up random memories from primary school

CIA Test gone horribly wrong

Three CIA agents, two male and one female, were called in for a briefing. An agent was needed to go on a top secret mission and that agent could have nothing but absolute loyalty to the goal.

"To test that absolute loyalty," said the director, "we have put your spouses in the other room. Take this gun and shoot your spouse."

The first man went into the room and came out almost immediately. "I can't do it."

The second man went in and there was about 5 minutes of silence and then he too came out. "I can't do it."

The woman took the gun and went into the room. There was a pause. And a shot. Then another and another. Three more rang out. Then there was a loud crash from the room. The woman emerged pushing back her hair. " The darn gun was full of blanks so I killed him with the chair!"

Why do dentists make the worst TSA agents?

They're always trying to do a cavity search

How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Maybe if they weren't so busy changing light bulbs, there wouldn't be so many school shootings.

How many incompetent FBI freedom of information agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[spoiler](/s"one")

Did you know the baking soda packets are training their children to be police officers?

Yeah, they're raising agents.

Why will the artist formerly know as Prince only hire former FBI agents as his house maids?

Because they must be able to "dust for Prince"

I'll see myself out now

What do FBI agents grill for the 4th of July?

Hillary.

This government shutdown has made it so TSA agents can relate to artists.

There is a lot of exposure and no pay.

Welcome to the internet.

Where the guys are guys, the women are guys, and the children are FBI agents.

A black man, a Muslim and a communist walk into a bar...

accompanied by his Secret Service agents, of course.

How do secret agents complement a disguise?

"Hey James, that disguise is incogNEATo!"

How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it gets really screwed.

A gang of British estate agents jumped me last night.

Almost gave me a Haart attack.

So the FBI, the DEA, and the Chicago police are looking for a bear ...

This bear has been up to no good - it's suspected of running a major meth lab, money laundering, and even murder for hire. The authorities think the bear is hiding in some woods near Chi-town.

The FBI go into the woods first. After a few hours, the agents come out. "No bear in there," they say. "He got away."

Then the DEA give it a try. They search the forest for 24 hours but find no suspects.

Finally, the Chicago police take over. Two CPD officers walk into the forest. Muffled cries can be heard amongst the trees. About an hour later they walk out with a rabbit in handcuffs.

"Alright! Alright! I'm a bear," says the rabbit.

Why don't insurance agents like bakers?

They are far too whisk-y.

So my coworker is not a native english speaker...

This morning he walked up to me and asked what is with all the news story on Donald Trump contracting aids from Russian agents...

KGB Agents

Two KGB Agents talk:

- What happened to him?
- He ate bad mushrooms
- Why are there beating marks on the body?
- He didn't want to eat them

Did you hear that Will Smith is gonna be the genie in live action Aladdin

They couldn't recast Robin William's he left the agents that called him **hanging**.

My dad commited a felony today

The federal agents showed up at more door to take him away. His wallet went through the wash and now he's going to do time for money laundering.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes