Hilarious Agents Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
Why do KGB agents make such good taxi drivers?
You get in and they already know your name and where you live.
Spouses are a lot like FBI agents
They won't ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.
FBI Investigation.
The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding m**... inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no m**.... They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."
A man goes into a casting agents office
with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"
The agent says "Show me."
The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"
The Dog says "Rough!"
The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"
The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)
The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.
The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"
My Irish friend p**... just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked.
"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."
I said, "Dude, these are from an real estate agents."
How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?
The ones with food.
Agents of Maijer: Super Spy
A black man, a Muslim and a communist walk into a bar...
accompanied by his Secret Service agents, of course.
What did the t**... that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of I.R.S. agents do?
What kind of insects to secret agents like? (as told by my 9 yr old)
Spiders.
Why don't insurance agents like bakers?
They are far too whisk-y.
You can explore agents spies reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean agents codename dad jokes. There are also agents puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I guess my parents were secret agents all along.
I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.
How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.
There were nine INTERPOL agents in a briefing.
They were named INTERPOL 1, INTERPOL 2, and so on. Their names were read out one by one in attendance. As the speaker reached the end, he said "INTERPOL 6, INTERPOL 7, INTERPOL 9." The missing agent stood up and asked why her name wasn't called. The speaker said, "You can figure it out."
Remember the old times in the Internet?
Where men are men, women are men, and
the national security agents are young children.
Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...
One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"
A Vulture Goes Through Customs at the Airport
So this vulture is returning home from an much needed overseas vacation. As she passes through the customs line one of the agents asks, "Do you have any checked luggage?" To which the vulture replies, "Nope, just carrion."
Feminist are like sleeper agents
Both have trigger words.
How do secret agents complement a disguise?
"Hey James, that disguise is incogNEATo!"
Why will the artist formerly know as Prince only hire former FBI agents as his house maids?
Because they must be able to "dust for Prince"
I'll see myself out now
How many Gestapo agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!!!!
Courtesy of my brain throwing up random memories from primary school
What do FBI agents grill for the 4th of July?
Hillary.
Can't wait for the next Jason Bourne movie. I heard he becomes a Christian and starts a church for ex-treadstone agents...
It's called Bourne Again
KGB Agents
Two KGB Agents talk:
- What happened to him?
- He ate bad mushrooms
- Why are there beating marks on the body?
- He didn't want to eat them
So my coworker is not a native english speaker...
This morning he walked up to me and asked what is with all the news story on Donald Trump contracting aids from Russian agents...
Two NSA agents walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hello gentlemen, first time here?"
The agents reply, "Yes it is."
The bartender says, "Great! Would you like to hear our specials?"
The agents go, "No need, we heard them earlier."
I always say good night to my microwave every morning
I'm in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.
I drew a scary face on my wrist and government agents arrested me....
They're accusing me of being a Terrorwrist.
Welcome to the internet.
Where the guys are guys, the women are guys, and the children are FBI agents.
What did the ICE agents say after they finished eating at a diner?
"I think we'll take Juan for the road too."
Why do dentists make the worst TSA agents?
They're always trying to do a cavity search
What codename does the CIA give to all of their sleeper agents?
Justin Case.
The net neutrality debacle is making me nostalgic for the good old days of the internet...
Back when the men were men, the women were men, and the children were FBI agents.
How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Maybe if they weren't so busy changing light bulbs, there wouldn't be so many school shootings.
Why are IRS agents excellent at Hide-and-Seek?
They can fined anyone.
Never trust bed salesmen
They're all sleeper agents
I'm not sure why TSA agents tackled me at the airport.
All I did was say hi to my friend Jack.
How many incompetent FBI freedom of information agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[spoiler](/s"one")
Donald Trump approaches the wall prototypes.
Donald Trump is approaching the wall prototypes when suddenly a secret service agent yells "Mickey Mouse!".
A man appears to have jumped across the boarder holding something suspicious.
The secret service agents tackle him and the situation is secure.
Someone then asks what the Mickey Mouse shouting was about.
The agent goes "I was startled, I meant to say Donald Duck!"
How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it gets really s**....
A gang of British estate agents jumped me last night.
Almost gave me a Haart attack.
What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common?
Fireworks go off in the sky if they do their job incorrectly.
Did you hear that Will Smith is gonna be the genie in live action Aladdin
They couldn't recast Robin William's he left the agents that called him **hanging**.
How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just 1, but it gets really s**...
What's a real estate agents favorite song?
For lease navidad
This government shutdown has made it so TSA agents can relate to artists.
There is a lot of exposure and no pay.
How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
They're not telling. They would prefer to keep you in the dark.
Just kidding. It's actually [████████████████████](#s)
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents...
Did you know the baking soda packets are training their children to be police officers?
Yeah, they're raising agents.
Trump is leaving a rally and heading to his limo
When suddenly a would be assassin jumps from the shadows and takes aim. A secret service agent, brand new on the job, shouts Micky Mouse! This startles the assassin and he is captured in the confusion. Later the agents supervisor takes him aside, congratulates him and says but what in the h**... made you shout 'Micky Mouse?!' Visibly embarrassed the Agent replies I got nervous, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck'
What do you call the janitors of the CIA?
Sweeper Agents
why do kgb agents work in groups of three?
one reads, another writes and the third keeps an eye on these 2 intellectuals
One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said:
"Its FOR-BIDEN!"
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled KGB .
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?
MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...
Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it in 5 minutes. One of them is holding a rabbit by his ears.
Judges- And?
One KGB agent hits a rabbit.
Rabbit - ok ok i confess i'm a bear!!!
The thief
A shop assistant calls the police saying:
Officer, the same guy who stole stuff from the warehouse yesterday is in my store!
Alright, make sure you close off every exit. We'll be there as soon as possible!
10 minutes pass, and the agents arrive at the store seeing the man has escaped.
Didn't I tell you to close off every exit?!
To which the assistant replies:
Yes I did, but he escaped through the entrance!
Action Composers
All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.
Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart.
Statham: I'm rather partial to Beethoven myself.
Jet Li: Chopin!
Everyone having had their turn they turn to Schwarzeneggar who is straight up not interested in the project.
Arnold: No! This is a dumb movie.
Everyone: Come on...
Arnold: Fine! I'll be Bach.
An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...
He is immediately stopped by Paxtani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.
Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"
Afghan: "Don't you have a Minister for Law & Justice in Pakistan?"
What will the gas stove enforcement agency be filled with?
"gas-stop-o" agents
