The Best 68 Agent Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Agent jokes. There are some agent cia jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these agent security puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Agent Jokes and Puns
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
Arnold Scwharzanegger gets a call from his agent about a feature length film based around classical music. When asked which character he'd most like to play,
'I'll be Bach'.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
Sean Connery's New Job
Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"
Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket"
How do you know when a hiptser is a good secret agent?
You've never heard of him.
A Lawyer and an IRS Agent
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
Ey gurl, are you a TSA agent?
Because I've got an unattended package I think you should investigate.
A man goes into a casting agents office
with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"
The agent says "Show me."
The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"
The Dog says "Rough!"
The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"
The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)
The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.
The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"
What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?
I'd tap that.
What kind of pants does agent Mulder wear?
Just a pair 'a normal pants.
So a vulture is in line to board a plane...
and he's got a deer carcass in his claws. The TSA agent turns to the vulture and says, "That deer carcass smells horrific, surely you are going to check it on?" The vulture looks at the agent, smiles and says, "Nope, it's carrion."
You can explore agent convictions reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean agent contractor dad jokes. There are also agent puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?
Because he was a cagey bee agent.
A man owned a small farm
A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
What do you call a secret agent running for the bus?
A Russian spy.
In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda...
Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."
His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
A photon is going through airport security...
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, No, I'm traveling light.
Nice pigs sir
A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I'll leave now.
What letter do pirate's hate the most?
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
Why did the double agent cross the road?
Because he never really was on your side.
Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."
Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"
Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."
So, the God decides he needs a vacation...
He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort." - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 years ago, mate, made one chick pregnant.
They still keep talking about this...
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)
Ever forgotten a password?
Just call your local NSA agent and ask!
A man went to the United Airlines counter
A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.
What does a british real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea
A Mexican gets caught by a border patrol agent..
The border patrol agent says to the Mexican,
"If you can put these 3 words in a sentence I will let you go. The words are green, pink and yellow."
The Mexican thinks for a second,
"The phone goes green green green, I pink it up and I say yellow."
Agent: "Welcome to Delta, can I help you?"
Passenger: "Hi, I'm going to Boston. I'd like this bag sent to Miami, and this one to Atlanta."
Agent: "I'm sorry, but we can't do that sir."
Passenger: "Really? Because you did it last week..."
Credit to /u/SilverbackBob
I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.
Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.
A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse.
The new agent asks his supervisor, "Wow, is that really the First family?"
The supervisor, unfazed, replies, No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."
The FBI is interviewing a bank manager who's been robbed 3 times by the same guy.
The agent says, "did you notice anything distinct about him when he came into the bank?"
Manager replies, "only that each time he showed up, he was much better dressed."
A German is traveling to France
A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German, Reason for travel?
For work, replies the German.
Occupation? asks the agent.
No, I'll just be here a few days.
What do you call a Siamese spy?
A double agent.
A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control
His turn comes and he steps to the agent.
The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks, Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
The Brit responds, Right, so that's still a requirement?"
A vulture goes to the airport and the agent says, Do you have any bags to check?
The vulture says: No, just this carrion.
A German in France
A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German "reason for travel ?"
"For work", replies the German.
Occupation ? Asks the agent.
"Not this time"
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One vodka, please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve vodka.
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on.
Agent: Sure David. No hassle.
I found a terrorist!
....said no TSA agent ever
A geman goes to the french border
A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Not today"
Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country
He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, Name?
Vladimir Putin
Country of Origin?
Russia
Occupation?
No, no. Just visiting.
A British man arrives in Australia
Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"
A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:
"Beats Me"
Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?
Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption
Adoption Agent: wth..?... sir...you must be mistaken ...we...
Me: *crying* Please...help...
...I can't raise them on my own
Donald Trump approaches the wall prototypes.
Donald Trump is approaching the wall prototypes when suddenly a secret service agent yells "Mickey Mouse!".
A man appears to have jumped across the boarder holding something suspicious.
The secret service agents tackle him and the situation is secure.
Someone then asks what the Mickey Mouse shouting was about.
The agent goes "I was startled, I meant to say Donald Duck!"
Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014
But he was exposed as a double agent.
Obama was running with a secret service member...
And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11
A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, ok, let's see if this dog is gonna make us rich . The guy says, Fido, what's the top of a house called ? Roof! What's on a tree ? Bark! How does sandpaper feel ? Ruff!
The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions .
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?
Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!
Four men are at a bar bragging about how successful their sons are
One says"my son is a successful brick layer and he bought his friend a Lamborghini just because"...the second man says"my friend is a successful real estate agent and he bought his friend a yacht just because"the third man says"my son is a great lawyer and he bought his friend a mansion just because"....their was a minute of silence and the second man asks the fourth man what his son does ...the fourth man replies"he's a gay stripper"..the third man says"oh you must be ashamed I'm sorry"which the fourth man says"not really his three boyfriends bought him a Lamborghini,a yacht,and a mansion just because"
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!
Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?
Russian: Business
Customs agent: Occupation?
Russian: Yes
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
A time traveler went back in time and saw a CIA agent
Time traveler: What year is it?
CIA Agent: 1963
Time traveler: Before or after JFK wa...
CIA Agent: Before
A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.
However, he does not know the exact date.
He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
"Is today before or after the JF-"
"Before"
What does a CIA Agent do when it's time for bed?
He Goes Under Cover.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
I've just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.
The estate agent assured me it's a growth industry.
An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.
He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."
A man calls the National Security Agency...
Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?
Agent: No sir, we don't do that
Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her know I wasn't listening!
Agent: I'm sorry to hear that sir, but as I said, we don't listen to civilian conversations. However, you should:
1. Pick up a gallon of milk
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. 4 Macintosh apples
4. Help Sofia with her math homework
....
I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris
It turns out that idea was taken
One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said:
"Its FOR-BIDEN!"
Last two years I spent time impersonating a Federal Agent. Nobody gave me trouble when they saw me, including the police.
Then I turned 8 and decided I wanted to be an astronaut instead.
James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014.
But she was exposed for being a double agent.
A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.
With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.
"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.
"No, sorry, that's our carrion"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the agent spy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working agent fbi piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.