Agent Jokes
151 agent jokes and hilarious agent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about agent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These funny jokes about estate agents, real estate agents, insurance agents, travel agents, secret agents, FBI agents, stockbrokers, realtors, and convictions will surely bring a smile to your face. From puns to one-liners, these agent jokes will make you laugh out loud!
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Funniest Agent Short Jokes
Short agent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The agent humour may include short agency jokes also.
- David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
- David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on. Agent: Sure David. No hassle.
- A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied: "Beats Me"
- Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"
- A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963. However, he does not know the exact date.
He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
"Is today before or after the JF-"
"Before" - My insurance agent asked if I had ever hit a deer. I told him that I had but in my defense he swung first.
- I always say good night to my microwave every morning I'm in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.
- A geman goes to the french border A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Not today" - Sean Connery's New Job Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"
Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket" - My job is selling houses in places like Narnia, Middle-Earth, Neverland, Oz and Wonderland. I'm a Not Real Estate Agent.
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Agent One Liners
Which agent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with agent? I can suggest the ones about broker and actor.
- An MI6 agent, a CIA agent, and a KGB agent walk into a bar [REDACTED]
- What is Donald Trump's Spy Name? Agent Orange!
- Why did the double agent cross the road? Because he never really was on your side.
- What does a CIA Agent do when it's time for bed? He Goes Under Cover.
- What does a british real estate agent care most about? His proper tea
- What kind of pants does agent Mulder wear? Just a pair 'a normal pants.
- What do you call the janitors of the CIA? Sweeper Agents
- What will the gas stove enforcement agency be filled with? "gas-stop-o" agents
- James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014. But she was exposed for being a double agent.
- What do you call a Siamese spy? A double agent.
- Ever forgotten a password? Just call your local NSA agent and ask!
- What do you call a secret agent running for the bus? A Russian spy.
- How do you know when a hiptser is a good secret agent? You've never heard of him.
- I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond... It's a chemical agent.
- What kind of insects to secret agents like? (as told by my 9 yr old) Spiders.
Secret Agent Jokes
Here is a list of funny secret agent jokes and even better secret agent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said: "Its FOR-BIDEN!"
- What do you call a secret agent from Ireland? Dublin 07
- I met a pig that's a secret agent. His alias is Mr. Cunning Ham
- What do you get when you cross an orthodontist and a secret agent? It's confi-dental
- What advice did Yoda give to the Soviet secret agent? Cagey be.
- Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment... his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".
- I guess my parents were secret agents all along. I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.
- Secret agent, spy, and a man in a trenchcoat enter a bar... ... barman says: "I've got a special message for the 3 of you. Everyone else leave!"
Secret agent and spy leave the bar. - How do secret agents complement a disguise? "Hey James, that disguise is incogNEATo!"
- I want to get my real estate license and never ever ever tell anyone... That way I can be a secret agent.
Fbi Agent Jokes
Here is a list of funny fbi agent jokes and even better fbi agent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent? A Fed Ex
- What's it called when an FBI agent goes to bed? They go undercover
- My wife, an FBI agent, left me because I'm a low level UPS dockworker. Soon enough, though... She'll be my FedEx.
- Spouses are a lot like FBI agents They won't ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.
- What do you call a divorced FBI agent? Fed-Ex
- I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning.. Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop
- How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? Maybe if they weren't so busy changing light bulbs, there wouldn't be so many school shootings.
- If you were dating an FBI agent and you dumped him, he would be your fed ex.
- Welcome to the internet. Where the guys are guys, the women are guys, and the children are FBI agents.
- What do FBI agents grill for the 4th of July? Hillary.
Estate Agent Jokes
Here is a list of funny estate agent jokes and even better estate agent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm moving to California to become a real estate agent... I heard the market is on fire!!!
- Just moved into a new home and found out that it doesn't have a basement. It was just the estate agent doing that pretend walking down the stairs thing behind the couch.
- I've just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm. The estate agent assured me it's a growth industry.
- What did the depressed rural estate agent do? Sell farm
- I'm a British real estate agent I only drink propertea.
- Me : how big is this room ? Estate agent : it's 15 square feet
Me : I could fit at least 3200 copies of the movie ratatouille on dvd in here
Estate agent : what
Me : what - Why did the Real Estate Agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable? Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors.
- What does an amateur Mexican real estate agent say to his clients.? Hey look, homes
- How would Madame Foster begin the process of putting her Home for Imaginary Friends up for sale? By contacting a Fake Estate Agent.
- How to tell an estate agent is lying? Their lips will be moving.
Travel Agent Jokes
Here is a list of funny travel agent jokes and even better travel agent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Leon Trotsky asks a travel agent if they have any hotel rooms in Mexico. The travel agent responded by saying that Mexico would be a very ice pick.
- What did the librarian say to the travel agent? Find what you're booking for?
Real Estate Agent Jokes
Here is a list of funny real estate agent jokes and even better real estate agent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a real estate agents favorite song? For lease navidad
- I want to be a horticulturalist and a real estate agent. That way I can be both a grower and a shower.
- Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on. - As a commercial real estate agent, I especially enjoy showing of the shopping centers... Cause once you've seen one, you've seen a Mall!
- I asked a real estate agent if I could see the pamphlet for the open house "Brochure"
Cheerful Fun Agent Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about agent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dealer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make agent pranks.
The Pope goes to a Car Showroom...
Agent: Sir, what type of car is your favorite?
The Pope: A convertible
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
I got chatting to a bird down the pub last night.
She said, "So what do you work as?"
"It's a very important job," I said. "I have to finalise deals in the transfer window."
"Wow, a football agent?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I work in the drive thru at McDonald's."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.
The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American r**... trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"
The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is m**... a vegetable?'"
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
A Lawyer and an IRS Agent
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
Ey gurl, are you a TSA agent?
Because I've got an unattended package I think you should investigate.
A man goes into a casting agents office
with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"
The agent says "Show me."
The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"
The Dog says "Rough!"
The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"
The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)
The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.
The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"
What do you call a bottle of glue in a spy's pocket?
A bonding agent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?
I'd tap that.
True Story from South Carolina
A real estate agent said she saw a for sale sign leaned against a stump in front of a house. She saw a car in the driveway and decided to stop and inquire about the property. She rang the bell, an old man appeared, she explained who she was and asked how much the house was listed for. The old man laughed and said "Lady the house aint for sale, the stump is."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the CIA t**... the Russian wasp?
Because he was a cagey bee agent.
A man owned a small farm
A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.
When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"
"My husband's ashes", the client replied.
"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."
"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."
Why couldn't the NSA agent leave his house this Winter?
He was Snowden.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet p**......
Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.
He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
There were nine INTERPOL agents in a briefing.
They were named INTERPOL 1, INTERPOL 2, and so on. Their names were read out one by one in attendance. As the speaker reached the end, he said "INTERPOL 6, INTERPOL 7, INTERPOL 9." The missing agent stood up and asked why her name wasn't called. The speaker said, "You can figure it out."
A jewish man's wife dies
So he decides to place an obituary in the newspaper, and phones their agent.
"Just put 'Sarah died' in the paper."
"But Sir, for the same money of only one line, you can add another four words!"
"Oh. Let me think about that.."
He phones back a few minutes later and says
"Put in the paper: 'Sarah died. Toyota Corolla for sale' .."
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I'll leave now.
What letter do pirate's hate the most?
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common?
They're both snowed in.
Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."
Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"
Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."
So, the God decides he needs a vacation...
He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort." - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 years ago, mate, made one chick pregnant.
They still keep talking about this...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)
A man went to the United Airlines counter
A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.
Agent: "Welcome to Delta, can I help you?"
Passenger: "Hi, I'm going to Boston. I'd like this bag sent to Miami, and this one to Atlanta."
Agent: "I'm sorry, but we can't do that sir."
Passenger: "Really? Because you did it last week..."
I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.
Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Mexicans are making an attempt to cross the U.S. border.
A border patrol agent spots them and yells out, "HEY, what do you think you're doing??"
One responds, "We're invading America!"
The agent says, "Just the two of you???"
"No, we're the last two. The rest are already there!"
-Props to John Cleese
A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse.
The new agent asks his supervisor, "Wow, is that really the First family?"
The supervisor, unfazed, replies, No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."
The FBI is interviewing a bank manager who's been robbed 3 times by the same guy.
The agent says, "did you notice anything distinct about him when he came into the bank?"
Manager replies, "only that each time he showed up, he was much better dressed."
A German is traveling to France
A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German, Reason for travel?
For work, replies the German.
Occupation? asks the agent.
No, I'll just be here a few days.
My government isn't working
Phone Agent: Okay, have you tried turning it off and then back on?
Schumer: It didn't work
What's the last thing Allison Mack's agent told her?
You have to work on your branding.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One v**..., please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve v**....
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found a t**...!
....said no TSA agent ever
The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.
Or as they call him, Agent Orange .
Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?
Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption
Adoption Agent: wth..?... sir...you must be mistaken ...we...
Me: *crying* Please...help...
...I can't raise them on my own
What happened to the dead KGB agent?
Nothing. He just fell off the balcony.
A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, ok, let's see if this dog is gonna make us rich . The guy says, Fido, what's the top of a house called ? Roof! What's on a tree ? Bark! How does sandpaper feel ? Ruff!
The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions .
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
An old pastor on his deathbed asked a lawyer and an IRS agent to visit him.
When the two arrived in the pastor's room, the pastor based them to sit on either side of the bed.
After a bit, the lawyer asked "Reverend, why did you ask us here?"
The pastor responded, "Jesus died between two thieves, and I want to do the same."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men are at a bar bragging about how successful their sons are
One says"my son is a successful brick layer and he bought his friend a Lamborghini just because"...the second man says"my friend is a successful real estate agent and he bought his friend a yacht just because"the third man says"my son is a great lawyer and he bought his friend a mansion just because"....their was a minute of silence and the second man asks the fourth man what his son does ...the fourth man replies"he's a gay stripper"..the third man says"oh you must be ashamed I'm sorry"which the fourth man says"not really his three boyfriends bought him a Lamborghini,a yacht,and a mansion just because"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!
Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?
Russian: Business
Customs agent: Occupation?
Russian: Yes
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
A man calls the National Security Agency...
Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?
Agent: No sir, we don't do that
Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her know I wasn't listening!
Agent: I'm sorry to hear that sir, but as I said, we don't listen to civilian conversations. However, you should:
1. Pick up a gallon of milk
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. 4 Macintosh apples
4. Help Sofia with her math homework
....
Last two years I spent time impersonating a Federal Agent. Nobody gave me trouble when they saw me, including the police.
Then I turned 8 and decided I wanted to be an astronaut instead.
A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.
With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.
"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.
"No, sorry, that's our carrion"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin
A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they speak Hebrew in heaven so I am learning the language now
To this the agent replied "Ha if u go to h**...? Then what?"
The old man replied "I am already fluent in Russian"
I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.
We walked through the door and I handed him our card:
"Barney. Talking dog."
The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."
"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"
"Rough."
"What goes on top of a house?"
"Roof."
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth."
Just then the agent grabbed us both and tossed us out into the street.
Barney was just sitting there, looking forlornly at the ground and shaking his head.
"Knew I should have said Hank Aaron."
A guy walks up to the ticket counter at an airport. He ask to buy a round trip ticket. The agent asks to where?
He says to here!
A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs
Customs agent: "Name?"
German: "Hans."
Agent: "Home city?"
German: "Dusseldorf."
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
d**...
A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...
Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so that I can take her with me!
Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?
of course, he was, after all, his double. I'll see myself out.
What's the difference between an IRS agent and Styrofoam?
The IRS agent doesn't hurt the the environment when you light him on fire.
