Great Aged Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
The park
I was about to make love to my girlfriend. "I've loved you since the first moment I first saw you. I'm so glad you're mine now" I said, s**... her hair.
She started to choke up. "I've never really had s**...," she said. My first time was horrible - I was r**... in a park, aged 16."
"Oh babe," I said, "Hush. Hush. It will be so different now. We don't have to rush and I'll be gentle this time."
I like my women like I like my scotch
Aged thirteen years in an oak barrel.
So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.
Excuse for speeding
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.
The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
A middle aged lady decides to revamp her s**... life with her husband.
She asks her friends what she should do and the concensus is to get some s**... l**... and surprise him. So she goes out and buys a lacy bra and crotchless p**.... That night when her husband is in bed watching TV she appears in the doorway wearing the l**... and says 'hey big boy! Fancy some of this?', he looks over casually, his eyes widen, he sits bolt upright in the bed and shouts 'fuck no! Look what it did to your p**...!'.
Best friends wife.
Two midle aged men who were the best of frinds since several years are talking over a beer. Suddenly one of them says in a thoughtful voice: "If I have s**... with your wife, does that men we become related?" The other one looks at him with wide eys and says: "Nooo, but we become even..."
A young couple adopt a German baby.
A young couple adopt a German baby. He was perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke, not even a word.
One day aged five while the family were having dessert he suddenly says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "Hans you can talk! Why haven't you spoken before now?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."
An old friend told me this...
Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."
I like my women like I like my r**......
Aged 12 years and mixed up in coke.
Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception
Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.
Why was the middle aged computer sad?
He had a floppy disc.
You can explore aged merlot reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean aged scotch dad jokes. There are also aged puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.
They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, Are these for you?
The older brother says, They aren't for me, they're for my brother.
Very confused the pharmacist asks, But, why does your brother need them? , and the older brother says, Well, the lady on the TV said if you use these you can swim and ride a bicycle and he can't do either of those things.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Dave
Dave who?
Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.
Note: This anti-joke is submitted to commemorate the new Alzheimer's treatment, and the immanent loss of a source of much comedic humour - aged dementia.
Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.
As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.
"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.
The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
My previous relationship was like a presidential term.
It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!
What's the difference between aged cheddar and regular cheddar?
The aged cheddar isn't as sharp as it once was.
Email inventor dies aged 74
I sent my re:re:re:re:re:gards
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
I met up with my internet friend yesterday.
We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.
Olympic Sailing results are in!
Denmark have taken gold
Finland have taken silver
Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise
romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis
40-love
Well aged, full body, great taste.
Hey girl, the wine's not bad either!
I like my wine how I like my women
Perfectly aged with a full body.
Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing?
Because they're Master Baiters.
I like my whisky like I like my women
Aged 12 years in a cellar.
Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.
"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."
Daughter
A middle aged man takes his 14 year old daughter to the doctor.
"And what do we need today young lady?" The doctor asks.
The father answers for her "She needs to start birth control".
The doctor gasps "She's s**... active at 14!?"
The father replies "Nope, she just lays there, just like her mother.
Ever since my daughter was born people have said, "She looks just like you!"
I'm not sure how to take that. I think -- maybe -- they're trying to be nice? But they've literally just said, "Hey, your little girl looks just like a fat, balding middle aged man."
I told my daughter I'd only treat her like a princess
...and that is why I married her off to a middle aged man she'd never met in order to secure an alliance with the French.
I prefer my alcohol like I prefer children
Aged in a barrel and chilled on the rocks in my cellar
What extremist group do middle aged people join?
Mid-life ISIS
What do you call aged pasta?
Ravioldi.
As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking
Are you my tinder date?
I like my women like my r**...
Aged 13 years and swimming in coke
Disclaimer: This is a joke! I do NOT condone mixing r**... and coke!
Your mama is so fat...
If you and I stood ten feet from her and you walked to her then walked back to me I would have aged 20 years due to gravitational time dilation.
More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease
They start making strange noises all the time and don't s**... any more
I like my women like I like my Scotch
Preferably aged 18 years but I could settle for 12
From former prime minister of Italy : Have you heard about the survey? They asked women aged between 20 and 30 whether they'd make love to Berlusconi."
"....33 percent of them said 'yes' and 67 percent said 'again?'
The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..
"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
England players visited a russian orphanage yesterday ahead of the world cup...
''It was heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope'' said Vladimir aged 6.
The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.
Why couldn't the AntiVaxxer's middle aged son read?
He was 2.
I am starting a club for middle aged women to gather and find younger men to take home and make love to in front of their husbands.
I'll call it, the Coug Cucks Clan.
I like my women how I like my scotch,
Aged 18 years and mixed with a little coke.
An older couple finds genie lamp.
The genie pops out and says they each get a wish.
The wife guys 1st and says, "I want to travel around the world with my husband!"
Suddenly plane tickets and packed bags appear cute both of them.
The husband grins and says, "I wish my wife was younger!"
In an instant the husband was aged twenty years.
What do wine and altar boys have in common?
Catholic priests like them aged eight years
Anti-vaxxers remind me of the show GLEE
Both haven't aged well
A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...
After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man responded, "I once got drunk and had s**... with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."
I like my women how I like my wine.
Aged 10 and locked in the celler.
I like my women like I like my cheese...
Aged, White, and Covered in holes.
What are the problems of a middle aged man?
Life s**..., job s**..., and wife does not
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have your finest aged H2O2.", says the first.
"I'll have the same H2O2, too.", says the second.
The bartender served them both water because he paid attention in chemistry class and understood the decomposition process of hydrogen peroxide.
What do you call an aged leaf drink?
Maturi-Tea
Aged c**...
Wise crack.
Potential vs realistic
A boy asked his dad to help him with his homework explaining potential vs realistic.
Dad tells the boy to ask his mom if she would sleep with an old man for 1 million dollars.
The boy asks and she says yes.
Dad tells the boy to ask his college aged sister the same. He does and she says yes.
The boys tells his dad what they said and the dad says:
"Potentially we are millionaires but realistically we are living with a couple of w**..."
What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common?
When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."
What did grandma say to the old fountain?
You aged well!
My Father's Favorite Joke
An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink out and says its only 20 year scotch and that he wanted older. The bartender leaves for about five minutes and came back with another drink. The old man drinks it, spits it out, and asks what it was.
The bartender says: "How old am I?"
I used to love eating aged meat.
That was until the gravedigger caught me.
Now I like fresh meat.
He was delicious!
Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale
I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.
A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.
Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'
He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
Underage drinking is a big issue in my house.
My son is drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.
Honestly, he's the dumbest ten-year-old I've ever met.
A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.
The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"
What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt?
"Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."
A Catholic priest walks into a bar
He orders a s**... on the beach... bartender replies "great choice, all my liquors for that are well aged over 20yrs." The priest says "no thanks" and leaves.
A guy married a girl who lived in a village, near his town.
As her dad was a landlord and wanted someone to look after the assets, the guy moved into their house. After roaming around in the village in search of something entertaining, he came across a bunch of middle aged guys. He asked them, "Why isn't there anything for entertainment in this village ?". One of them replied in a frustrated voice, "We had one thing for entertainment and you married it".
What's the difference between a crab with large b**... and an aged transport hub ?
One is a b**... crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station
Logic of a Boy:
Boy aged 4: Dad, I've decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?
Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she's the best cook and story teller in the whole world!
Dad: That's nice, but we have a small problem there!
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
Found my old copy of Picture of Dorian Gray in the attic
It has not aged well.
I like my whiskey like I like my women.
Irish, aged 18 years and mix up with a little coke.
What's a gold digger's favorite kind of cheese?
Aged Cheddar
Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi----
Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]
Two little kids.....
aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, Okay, you say a**...' and I'll say h**....'
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. Aw, h**..., says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios. His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. What'll you have?
I dunno, quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your a**... it ain't gonna be Cheerios.
How would a nerd date an aged super-model?
Using carbon-14.
What's Leonardo DiCaprio's least favorite kind of wine?
Aged.
