The Best 72 Aged Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Aged jokes. There are some aged senile jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these aged cabernet puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Aged Jokes and Puns

I like my women like I like my scotch

Aged thirteen years in an oak barrel.

So..the wife and I were in town shopping....

..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

Excuse for speeding

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.

The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

Aged joke, Excuse for speeding

A middle aged lady decides to revamp her sex life with her husband.

She asks her friends what she should do and the concensus is to get some sexy lingerie and surprise him. So she goes out and buys a lacy bra and crotchless panties. That night when her husband is in bed watching TV she appears in the doorway wearing the lingerie and says 'hey big boy! Fancy some of this?', he looks over casually, his eyes widen, he sits bolt upright in the bed and shouts 'fuck no! Look what it did to your panties!'.

Best friends wife.

Two midle aged men who were the best of frinds since several years are talking over a beer. Suddenly one of them says in a thoughtful voice: "If I have sex with your wife, does that men we become related?" The other one looks at him with wide eys and says: "Nooo, but we become even..."


A young couple adopt a German baby.

A young couple adopt a German baby. He was perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke, not even a word.
One day aged five while the family were having dessert he suddenly says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "Hans you can talk! Why haven't you spoken before now?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."

An old friend told me this...

Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."

Aged joke, An old friend told me this...

I like my women like I like my rum...

Aged 12 years and mixed up in coke.

Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception

Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...

Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?

Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.

Why was the middle aged computer sad?

He had a floppy disc.

Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.

They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, Are these for you?

The older brother says, They aren't for me, they're for my brother.

Very confused the pharmacist asks, But, why does your brother need them? , and the older brother says, Well, the lady on the TV said if you use these you can swim and ride a bicycle and he can't do either of those things.

You can explore aged merlot reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean aged scotch dad jokes. There are also aged puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Dave

Dave who?

Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

Note: This anti-joke is submitted to commemorate the new Alzheimer's treatment, and the immanent loss of a source of much comedic humour - aged dementia.

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

My previous relationship was like a presidential term.

It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!

What's the difference between aged cheddar and regular cheddar?

The aged cheddar isn't as sharp as it once was.

Email inventor dies aged 74

I sent my re:re:re:re:re:gards

Aged joke, Email inventor dies aged 74

Now that I'm an overweight, nearly middle aged man, I'm considering bulimia more and more

But I don't have the stomach for it.

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.

It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.

The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.

After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.

The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

I met up with my internet friend yesterday.

We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.


What phrase do both pedophiles and middle aged women say?

"Age is just a number"

Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold

Finland have taken silver

Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

It's really hard being a good mother in this day and age.

Especially when you're a college aged male with no kids.

romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis

40-love

Well aged, full body, great taste.

Hey girl, the wine's not bad either!

I like my wine how I like my women

Perfectly aged with a full body.

Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing?

Because they're Master Baiters.

I like my whisky like I like my women

Aged 12 years in a cellar.

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

What do you call a middle aged man on a moped?

An alcoholic.

Daughter

A middle aged man takes his 14 year old daughter to the doctor.
"And what do we need today young lady?" The doctor asks.
The father answers for her "She needs to start birth control".
The doctor gasps "She's sexually active at 14!?"

The father replies "Nope, she just lays there, just like her mother.

Ever since my daughter was born people have said, "She looks just like you!"

I'm not sure how to take that. I think -- maybe -- they're trying to be nice? But they've literally just said, "Hey, your little girl looks just like a fat, balding middle aged man."

I told my daughter I'd only treat her like a princess

...and that is why I married her off to a middle aged man she'd never met in order to secure an alliance with the French.

I prefer my alcohol like I prefer children

Aged in a barrel and chilled on the rocks in my cellar

What extremist group do middle aged people join?

Mid-life ISIS

What do you call aged pasta?

Ravioldi.

As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking

Are you my tinder date?

I like my women like my rum

Aged 13 years and swimming in coke

Disclaimer: This is a joke! I do NOT condone mixing rum and coke!

Your mama is so fat...

If you and I stood ten feet from her and you walked to her then walked back to me I would have aged 20 years due to gravitational time dilation.

More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease

They start making strange noises all the time and don't suck any more

I like my women like I like my Scotch

Preferably aged 18 years but I could settle for 12

From former prime minister of Italy : Have you heard about the survey? They asked women aged between 20 and 30 whether they'd make love to Berlusconi."

"....33 percent of them said 'yes' and 67 percent said 'again?'

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

England players visited a russian orphanage yesterday ahead of the world cup...

''It was heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope'' said Vladimir aged 6.

 

Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday.

"I come here every Friday to get scrod!"

"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense."

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Why couldn't the AntiVaxxer's middle aged son read?

He was 2.

I am starting a club for middle aged women to gather and find younger men to take home and make love to in front of their husbands.

I'll call it, the Coug Cucks Clan.

If the Grim Reaper didn't know what died....

he would really hate middle aged dads during summer.

I like my women how I like my scotch,

Aged 18 years and mixed with a little coke.

Trump said he would build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick yet.

He's just another middle aged man failing at a DIY project.

An older couple finds genie lamp.

The genie pops out and says they each get a wish.

The wife guys 1st and says, "I want to travel around the world with my husband!"

Suddenly plane tickets and packed bags appear cute both of them.

The husband grins and says, "I wish my wife was younger!"

In an instant the husband was aged twenty years.

What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

Anti-vaxxers remind me of the show GLEE

Both haven't aged well

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 10 and locked in the celler.

Irish fireman (slightly racist)

Paddy was at a fire one day but he had forgot his ladder. He managed to persuade the first person, a middle aged white woman that he would catch her, and he did. Then her mother followed, again paddy caught her. Next a black man jumped out and fell straight to the pavement.

Paddy shouted up "don't be throwing out the burned ones!"

I like my women like I like my cheese...

Aged, White, and Covered in holes.

What are the problems of a middle aged man?

Life sucks, job sucks, and wife does not

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have your finest aged H2O2.", says the first.

"I'll have the same H2O2, too.", says the second.



The bartender served them both water because he paid attention in chemistry class and understood the decomposition process of hydrogen peroxide.

Why do middle aged white executives not have a problem with quarantine?

Because they're under house arrest anyway

What do you call an aged leaf drink?

Maturi-Tea

Aged cocaine

Wise crack.

Potential vs realistic

A boy asked his dad to help him with his homework explaining potential vs realistic.

Dad tells the boy to ask his mom if she would sleep with an old man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks and she says yes.

Dad tells the boy to ask his college aged sister the same. He does and she says yes.

The boys tells his dad what they said and the dad says:

"Potentially we are millionaires but realistically we are living with a couple of whores"

What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common?

When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."

What did grandma say to the old fountain?

You aged well!

My Father's Favorite Joke

An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink out and says its only 20 year scotch and that he wanted older. The bartender leaves for about five minutes and came back with another drink. The old man drinks it, spits it out, and asks what it was.

The bartender says: "How old am I?"

I used to love eating aged meat.

That was until the gravedigger caught me.

Now I like fresh meat.

He was delicious!

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

Underage drinking is a big issue in my house.

My son is drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.

Honestly, he's the dumbest ten-year-old I've ever met.

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"

"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt?

"Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the aged teste jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working aged connoisseur piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes