Aged Jokes

147 aged jokes and hilarious aged puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about aged that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article is full of hilarious jokes that are appropriate for middle-aged and school-aged kids alike. Read on to hear some clever jokes guaranteed to make the geezers chuckle in delight. Wine lovers will be delighted too, with a special flight of gags featuring Merlot and Brandy.

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Funniest Aged Short Jokes

Short aged jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The aged humour may include short ages jokes also.

  1. I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
    I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
    He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
  2. My grandad asked me how to print on his computer... I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
  3. There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
  4. Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
  5. A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you?
    Billionaire: I lied about my age
    Friend: You said 45?
    Billionaire: No! I said 90!
  6. Made up by my elementary-aged kid: How do old people line up? In an elderly fashion. (So proud)
  7. Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
  8. TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
  9. Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
  10. A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
    "Hans Kleiner"
    "No no, just visiting"

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Aged One Liners

Which aged one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with aged? I can suggest the ones about aging and older.

  1. Why were the 'Dark Ages' so dark? Because there were so many Knights.
    Just delete me.
  2. What did they call puberty in the middle ages? A midlife crisis
  3. An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average
  4. What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? mortgage freeman.
  5. COVID is so bad in India... That i haven't got a scam call in ages
  6. CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro Using the innovative 'Old age' technique
  7. Like most people my age, I'm 23. .
  8. Yo mama so old... ... I told her to act her age, and she died.
  9. Why does the army need people under the age of 5? For the Infantry
  10. Why were they called "the dark ages"? Because it was knight time.
  11. My wife has the body of a woman half her age. I suppose I should call the police.
  12. I asked my Dad, "Dad, what did you want to do when you were my age?" "Your mom's sister."
  13. Deep sleep prevents aging. Especially when you are driving.
  14. If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
  15. What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist? Bond. Gold Bond.

Middle Aged Jokes

Here is a list of funny middle aged jokes and even better middle aged puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance. But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.
  • Why was the middle aged computer sad? He had a floppy disc.
  • I met up with my internet friend yesterday. We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.
  • As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking Are you my tinder date?
  • How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women? In degrees Karenheit.
  • Why couldn't the AntiVaxxer's middle aged son read? He was 2.
  • Olympic Sailing results are in! denmark have taken gold
    Finland have taken silver
    Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise
  • Sometime in the Middle Ages Queen: come to bed
    King: not until i have a name for my soldiers
    Queen: k night
    King: babe ur a genius
    (Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)
  • Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number. If my wife answers, just hang-up
  • Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages? Knights for dayz
    (My nearly 11 kid brother made this up, he's well on his way to being a dad ...)

School Aged Jokes

Here is a list of funny school aged jokes and even better school aged puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
  • i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety and they said: "what's school safety?"
  • Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32? To keep alcohol out of the high schools.
  • My dad told me... "When i was your age, i had to walk 13 miles to school"... So i said... "Is that why you didn't graduate?"
  • My old school was sponsored by IKEA... Assembly took ages.
  • Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33. They're trying to keep it out of high schools.
  • The drinking age in Alabama has changed to 25 Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high school
  • A lot of people make a big deal about age differences in couples. As far as I'm concerned a girl is fair game as soon as she's finished school. So usually at about 3:15
  • New Drinking Age in Alabama They raised the drinking age to 32 in Alabama to keep alcohol out of high schools.
  • When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything.
Aged joke, When i was your age everything was in black and white.

Aged 18 Jokes

Here is a list of funny aged 18 jokes and even better aged 18 puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An 18 year old walks into a bar with an AR-15 He gets kicked out as he is below the drinking age
  • My father was never proud of me. I remember one time he asked me, "How old are you?"
    I said, "I'm 17."
    My father replied, "When I was your age, I was 18."
  • I like my women how I like my scotch, Aged 18 years and mixed with a little coke.
  • I like my women like I like my Scotch Preferably aged 18 years but I could settle for 12
  • Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent? Because they contain a lot of fowl language.
  • Do you know why non-vaccinated people have the lowest drinking rates out of everybody else? They can never age up to 18.
  • I like my whiskey like I like my women. Irish, aged 18 years and mix up with a little coke.
  • a race realist, a fascist, and an anti-feminist walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve anyone under the age of 18.
  • 16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn't they go in? The sign said 18+.
  • I like my girls like my whiskey Aged 18 years and single
Aged joke, I like my girls like my whiskey

Great Aged Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about aged you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dated jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make aged pranks.

The park

I was about to make love to my girlfriend. "I've loved you since the first moment I first saw you. I'm so glad you're mine now" I said, s**... her hair.
She started to choke up. "I've never really had s**...," she said. My first time was horrible - I was r**... in a park, aged 16."
"Oh babe," I said, "Hush. Hush. It will be so different now. We don't have to rush and I'll be gentle this time."

I like my women like I like my scotch

Aged thirteen years in an oak barrel.

So..the wife and I were in town shopping....

..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

Excuse for speeding

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.
The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

A middle aged lady decides to revamp her s**... life with her husband.

She asks her friends what she should do and the concensus is to get some s**... l**... and surprise him. So she goes out and buys a lacy bra and crotchless p**.... That night when her husband is in bed watching TV she appears in the doorway wearing the l**... and says 'hey big boy! Fancy some of this?', he looks over casually, his eyes widen, he sits bolt upright in the bed and shouts 'fuck no! Look what it did to your p**...!'.

Best friends wife.

Two midle aged men who were the best of frinds since several years are talking over a beer. Suddenly one of them says in a thoughtful voice: "If I have s**... with your wife, does that men we become related?" The other one looks at him with wide eys and says: "Nooo, but we become even..."

A young couple adopt a German baby.

A young couple adopt a German baby. He was perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke, not even a word.
One day aged five while the family were having dessert he suddenly says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "Hans you can talk! Why haven't you spoken before now?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."

An old friend told me this...

Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."

I like my women like I like my r**......

Aged 12 years and mixed up in coke.

Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception

Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.

What was the middle aged man charged with when he was found fondling a calf?

s**... Moolestion

Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.

They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, Are these for you?
The older brother says, They aren't for me, they're for my brother.
Very confused the pharmacist asks, But, why does your brother need them? , and the older brother says, Well, the lady on the TV said if you use these you can swim and ride a bicycle and he can't do either of those things.

Knock Knock!

Who's there?
Dave who?
Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.
Note: This anti-joke is submitted to commemorate the new Alzheimer's treatment, and the immanent loss of a source of much comedic humour - aged dementia.

What did Iron say to Silver after 30 years?

You haven't AG-ed a bit.

I am forming a new punk band!

We are called "young boys getting sodomised by fat middle aged men".
Search for us on google!

What do you get when you cross an aged marsupial with a con game?

The old switcheroo.

Why did the pop star die of hypothermia?

Because he had too many fans! (thanks George - aged 8)

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.
"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.
The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

My previous relationship was like a presidential term.

It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!

What's the difference between aged cheddar and regular cheddar?

The aged cheddar isn't as sharp as it once was.

Email inventor dies aged 74

I sent my re:re:re:re:re:gards

Now that I'm an overweight, nearly middle aged man, I'm considering bulimia more and more

But I don't have the stomach for it.

I like my women like I like my whiskey...

Aged 12 years.

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

I like my women like I like my wine...

Rich, aged, and full-bodied.

It's really hard being a good mother in this day and age.

Especially when you're a college aged male with no kids.

romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis


Well aged, full body, great taste.

Hey girl, the wine's not bad either!

My parents said I could be anything when I grow up.

So I became a doughy, middle aged, white guy.

I like my wine how I like my women

Perfectly aged with a full body.

Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing?

Because they're Master Baiters.

I like my whisky like I like my women

Aged 12 years in a cellar.

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

What do you call a middle aged man on a moped?

An alcoholic.


A middle aged man takes his 14 year old daughter to the doctor.
"And what do we need today young lady?" The doctor asks.
The father answers for her "She needs to start birth control".
The doctor gasps "She's s**... active at 14!?"
The father replies "Nope, she just lays there, just like her mother.

Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89.

His family are said to be shaken but not stirred.

Ever since my daughter was born people have said, "She looks just like you!"

I'm not sure how to take that. I think -- maybe -- they're trying to be nice? But they've literally just said, "Hey, your little girl looks just like a fat, balding middle aged man."

I told my daughter I'd only treat her like a princess

...and that is why I married her off to a middle aged man she'd never met in order to secure an alliance with the French.

3 Cheese Wheels Go To A Bar

They weren't let in because they were Under aged.

I prefer my alcohol like I prefer children

Aged in a barrel and chilled on the rocks in my cellar

When a middle aged girl is on her period...

you shouldn't call it a mid life crisis.

What extremist group do middle aged people join?

Mid-life ISIS

What do you call aged pasta?


Roy Moore likes his women like he likes his Scotch

Aged twelve years, mixed up with coke, and stored in the basement

I like my women like my r**...

Aged 13 years and swimming in coke
Disclaimer: This is a joke! I do NOT condone mixing r**... and coke!

Your mama is so fat...

If you and I stood ten feet from her and you walked to her then walked back to me I would have aged 20 years due to gravitational time dilation.

More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease

They start making strange noises all the time and don't s**... any more

Since ceasing communication with my aged parents - I now think of them as...

I asked my cheese salesman if aged cheese was really better...

He told me that's a huge misnomer and that cheese loses all sorts of flavor after being aged 18 years.
He's a cheddophile

From former prime minister of Italy : Have you heard about the survey? They asked women aged between 20 and 30 whether they'd make love to Berlusconi."

"....33 percent of them said 'yes' and 67 percent said 'again?'

The england football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

England players visited a russian orphanage yesterday ahead of the world cup...

''It was heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope'' said Vladimir aged 6.

Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday.

"I come here every Friday to get scrod!"
"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense."

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

I am starting a club for middle aged women to gather and find younger men to take home and make love to in front of their husbands.

I'll call it, the Coug Cucks Clan.

If the Grim Reaper didn't know what died....

he would really hate middle aged dads during summer.

Trump said he would build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick yet.

He's just another middle aged man failing at a DIY project.

An older couple finds genie lamp.

The genie pops out and says they each get a wish.
The wife guys 1st and says, "I want to travel around the world with my husband!"
Suddenly plane tickets and packed bags appear cute both of them.
The husband grins and says, "I wish my wife was younger!"
In an instant the husband was aged twenty years.

I like my Wine like i like my Women

White and well aged.

My middle aged friend is completely broke, and is going out with a girl less than half his age.

She thinks of him as her sugar-free daddy.

Reports show that adults aged 18-24 are the healthiest, with the least dr visits per age

But between you and me it's because my mom doesn't make my appointments anymore

Sting has started a new cheese brand.

Mozza aged in a bottle.

What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

Anti-vaxxers remind me of the show GLEE

Both haven't aged well

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man responded, "I once got drunk and had s**... with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 10 and locked in the celler.

Irish fireman (slightly racist)

p**... was at a fire one day but he had forgot his ladder. He managed to persuade the first person, a middle aged white woman that he would catch her, and he did. Then her mother followed, again p**... caught her. Next a black man jumped out and fell straight to the pavement.
p**... shouted up "don't be throwing out the burned ones!"

I like my women like I like my cheese...

Aged, White, and Covered in holes.

What are the problems of a middle aged man?

Life s**..., job s**..., and wife does not

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have your finest aged H2O2.", says the first.
"I'll have the same H2O2, too.", says the second.

The bartender served them both water because he paid attention in chemistry class and understood the decomposition process of hydrogen peroxide.

Why do middle aged white executives not have a problem with quarantine?

Because they're under house arrest anyway

What do you call an aged leaf drink?


Aged c**...

Wise crack.

Potential vs realistic

A boy asked his dad to help him with his homework explaining potential vs realistic.
Dad tells the boy to ask his mom if she would sleep with an old man for 1 million dollars.
The boy asks and she says yes.
Dad tells the boy to ask his college aged sister the same. He does and she says yes.
The boys tells his dad what they said and the dad says:
"Potentially we are millionaires but realistically we are living with a couple of w**..."

Aged joke, Potential vs realistic

jokes about aged