Age Jokes
176 age jokes and hilarious age puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about age that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover a wide range of age jokes – from light jabs about birthdays, years and grandparents to laugh-out-loud jokes that poke fun at age-related ailments. Perfect for adding a bit of humour to birthday cards, special occasions and more.
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Funniest Age Short Jokes
Short age jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The age humour may include short grandparents jokes also.
- My grandad asked me how to print on his computer... I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
- There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
- Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
- A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you?
Billionaire: I lied about my age
Friend: You said 45?
Billionaire: No! I said 90! - Made up by my elementary-aged kid: How do old people line up? In an elderly fashion. (So proud)
- Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
- TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
- Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
- A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting" - Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor joe. Mom: But he could be your father! Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about.
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Age One Liners
Which age one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with age? I can suggest the ones about midlife and aged.
- Why were the 'Dark Ages' so dark? Because there were so many Knights.
Just delete me. - What did they call puberty in the middle ages? A midlife crisis
- An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average
- What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? mortgage freeman.
- COVID is so bad in India... That i haven't got a scam call in ages
- CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro Using the innovative 'Old age' technique
- Like most people my age, I'm 23. .
- Why does the army need people under the age of 5? For the Infantry
- Why were they called "the dark ages"? Because it was knight time.
- I asked my Dad, "Dad, what did you want to do when you were my age?" "Your mom's sister."
- Deep sleep prevents aging. Especially when you are driving.
- If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
- What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist? Bond. Gold Bond.
- What makes a man age quickly? A manager
- I don't know how to act my age I've never been this old before.
Old Age Jokes
Here is a list of funny old age jokes and even better old age puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old I'm finally above average for something
- I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
- My dad is never proud of anything I do. Dad: Son, how old are you?
Son: 19.
Dad: When I was your age, I was 20. - I went to a party dressed as an egg and I hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken.
I guess we have an answer to that age old question.
It was the chicken. - Found my old copy of Picture of Dorian Gray in the attic It has not aged well.
- I heard married women sometimes grow an appendage out of their back side as they age. Maybe it's just an old wives tail.
- Age old debate. People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
- The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age? Cremation.
- I met up with my internet friend yesterday. We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.
- My old school was sponsored by IKEA... Assembly took ages.
Coming Of Age Jokes
Here is a list of funny coming of age jokes and even better coming of age puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
- Even at my age, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though.
- A few years back I used to write jokes. I spent ages trying to make a boxing joke. I just couldn't come up with a punch line
- Women age like fine wines... The older they get, the harder they are to come by.
- Sometime in the Middle Ages Queen: come to bed
King: not until i have a name for my soldiers
Queen: k night
King: babe ur a genius
(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter) - Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday. "I come here every Friday to get scrod!"
"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense." - I Enjoyed Your Joke, soue13, I've Also Come Up With One. At Age 25.. Did you guys hear about the dried grape at the party last night?
He was really RAISIN the roof! - With age comes wisdom... ...but sometimes age comes alone.
- With age comes Wisdom Unless you have Alzheimer's, now what was I going to say again?
- When it comes to age, women are a lot like wine. I mean, who doesn't love 16 year-old wine.
Young Age Jokes
Here is a list of funny young age jokes and even better young age puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm dating the neighbor. A young female tells her mother.
- "Mom I'm dating the neighbor"
- "But he could be your father"
- "Mom! Age is nothing but a number"
- "That's not what I meant" - When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I've finally achieved half of the goal. I turned 40.
- As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking Are you my tinder date?
- I have been messaging some 14 year old cutie. Last night she told me she was an undercover cop. How cool is that for such a young age!
- My mother had me at a very young age. In fact, I was a newborn.
- Why are so many hotwheels based after Ford models? So kids get used to pushing them at a young age.
- Start taking dental hygiene seriously at a young age It's nothing to brush off lightly
- you know what never gets old? Children who died at a young age.
- At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.
- Why do Pirates always end up retiring early? Because from a young age they were taught to contribute to their ARRRR-ARRRR-SP
Women Age Jokes
Here is a list of funny women age jokes and even better women age puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats This is known as many paws
- My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90's... Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.
- Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!" - I like my women how I like my wine. Aged 10 and locked in the celler.
- I like my wine how I like my women Perfectly aged with a full body.
- Women age like fine wine... In my basement
- I like my women like I like my puzzles. Ages 3-5
- Women are like grapes. Some age like fine wine.
Some age like raisins. - I like my women like I like my board games... Ages 7-99.
- I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.
Amusing & Witty Age Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about age you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean era jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make age pranks.
"Mom, I'm dating a man."
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
A girl tells her mom she's dating the guy next door
The mom's like you can't date him he could be your dad
And the daughter is like so there's an age difference who cares
I think you misunderstood me
My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.
He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.
He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...
"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't think so." The frog says"Dont you want a beautiful woman?"
The old man responds "At my age I would rather have a talking frog."
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?
"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That awkward moment when you're having s**... with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about s**....
Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...
Having 12 close friends after age 30!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Liar
A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. Evening, boys. What are you doing? Nothing much, Pastor, replied the one lad. We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his s**... life. Boys, boys, boys! intoned the minister. I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about s**... at all. The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, You win, Pastor!
The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal
Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom
A: Arrest-room
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming
Because marches would definitely solve the problem.
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
I'm 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap?
'cause his son is 17 and really hot.
A daughter and mother are talking.
"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"
"But I love him!", she interrupts.
"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"
"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"
"I think you misunderstood me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having s**... with this german schoolgirl the other day
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time
10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...
10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"
The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.
I got Botox and I asked the doctor how many years younger will this make me look?
He said zero. You'll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.
The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)
Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck.
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, What are you two arguing about?
One boy answers, We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher. When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was. The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When did humans first start growing w**...?
During the s**... Age
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
My whole life before age 12 was a blur.
That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a...
Baby shower.
i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety
and they said: "what's school safety?"
The secret of long life
A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.
The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."
So the young man did this religiously every day for the rest of his life, and sure enough, lived to the age of 100.
When he died he left behind 6 children, 10 grandchildren, 56 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but were stripped of the medal after it was revealed that d**... Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16
And they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those medalling kids.
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".
-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-Yes, I am, mum!
-But he could be your father!
-Age does not matter, mum!
-That's not what I meant.
Grandma, how old are you?
"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had s**... with this girl that would constantly remind me of her age
I guess it's a German thing
I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...
...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How cool is that for someone her age?
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom...
A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.
His young son said, I have no naughty books!
The machine quickly hit him.
His father saw that and scolded his son, When I was your age, I didn't have such books!
The machine quickly hit him.
The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, Oh, you are truly father and son!
The machine quickly hit her.
Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?
I asked my friend.
He wants to be a garbageman,
he replied.
That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.
Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.
A German man was crossing the border into France...
The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has s**... with under age teens?
In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
Boy and girl in class asked the teacher a question.
"Can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
Boy said to girl :
"See I told you not to worry!!!!"
My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.
......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.
A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home
When the son comes home:
Dad - So you were at school right?
Son - yeah
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends
Dad - What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector - BEEP
Mom - Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector - BEEP
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old guys are sitting in a park and talking
The first guy says: "You know, I went to a brothel the other day"
"Oh yeah? And what happened?"
"I banged for two hours!"
"Two hours?! At your age?!"
"Yeah, and those w**... still wouldn't let me in"
My girlfriend called me a peedo
I was having dinner with my girlfriend, and she called me a peedo. Sure, she's 18 and I'm 31, but that's not a big age gap right? Totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...
An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.
They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
I was chatting with this cute 14 y/o online
She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I read this joke in a 1974 p**... magazine today.
An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"
