Amusing & Witty Age Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
"Mom, I'm dating a man."
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
A girl tells her mom she's dating the guy next door
The mom's like you can't date him he could be your dad
And the daughter is like so there's an age difference who cares
I think you misunderstood me
My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.
He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.
He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
You can explore age ailments reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean age young dad jokes. There are also age puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.
Small children and 39 year old's.
An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...
"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't think so." The frog says"Dont you want a beautiful woman?"
The old man responds "At my age I would rather have a talking frog."
A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife
Friend: How did she marry you?
Billionaire: I lied about my age
Friend: You said 45?
Billionaire: No! I said 90!
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
A German was going to a trip in France...
He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"
I lied about my age
A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: "How did she marry you?"
Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"
Friend: "You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"
My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...
So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France
I'm in an age gap relationship.
I'm 40, she's 19.
Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.
My girlfriend got upset and we left.
Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?
"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
That awkward moment when you're having s**... with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about s**....
Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...
Having 12 close friends after age 30!
Gunpowder therapy
A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
Liar
A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. Evening, boys. What are you doing? Nothing much, Pastor, replied the one lad. We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his s**... life. Boys, boys, boys! intoned the minister. I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about s**... at all. The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, You win, Pastor!
The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal
Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom
A: Arrest-room
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming
Because marches would definitely solve the problem.
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
I'm 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap?
'cause his son is 17 and really hot.
While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"
The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
‟It is simple billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age
‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you're? A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
‟85 years old
A daughter and mother are talking.
"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"
"But I love him!", she interrupts.
"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"
"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"
"I think you misunderstood me."
An average person loses virginity at the age of 17
I always knew I was above average
I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now
We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
I was having s**... with this german schoolgirl the other day
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time
A black man asks a white man where the colored printer is.
The white man smiles and says, "My friend, in this day and age, you can use any printer."
Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.
Oh yeah? the son retorts. Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.
I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...
"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."
What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?
The Weasley twins
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, How'd you land someone that young?
It's simple, said the billionaire, I faked my age!
I mean, I'm 43, and there's no way I could land her! , a friend exclaims. What age did you tell her you were?
Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, 85 years old.
10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...
10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"
The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.
A father tells his 10 year old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
I got Botox and I asked the doctor how many years younger will this make me look?
He said zero. You'll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.
The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)
Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck.
An old cowboy told his grandson...
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
My dad is never proud of anything I do.
Dad: Son, how old are you?
Son: 19.
Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, What are you two arguing about?
One boy answers, We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher. When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was. The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
When did humans first start growing w**...?
During the s**... Age
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
My whole life before age 12 was a blur.
That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a...
Baby shower.
i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety
and they said: "what's school safety?"
Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."
"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"
Like most people my age, I'm 23.
.
My daughter has got to the age where she ask embarrassing questions about s**...
Such as today when she asked "Is that the best you can do?"
