Age Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

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I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.



And three years later, that priest went to prison.

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

A German got pulled over by the police in France

*Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....

I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.


Mom: That's not what I was talking about.

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

Mom I got a boyfriend!

Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal

Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom


A: Arrest-room

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old

I'm finally above average for something

I'm 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap?

'cause his son is 17 and really hot.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games...

I stoped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

An average person loses virginity at the age of 17

I always knew I was above average

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day

I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time

A black man asks a white man where the colored printer is.

The white man smiles and says, "My friend, in this day and age, you can use any printer."

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?

The Weasley twins

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, How'd you land someone that young?

It's simple, said the billionaire, I faked my age!

I mean, I'm 43, and there's no way I could land her! , a friend exclaims. What age did you tell her you were?

Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, 85 years old.

10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...

10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)

Why don't pirates like playing cards?

There's always someone walking across the deck.

An old cowboy told his grandson...

An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

My dad is never proud of anything I do.

Dad: Son, how old are you?

Son: 19.

Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

The English team visited an orphanage in brazil.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope ,said Jose age 6.

My whole life before age 12 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

A 60 year old Billionaire goes to the bar...

...with his gorgeous 25 year old wife!

The bartender asks him "how did she marry you?"

The billionaire replies " I lied about my age!"

Bartender: " You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I said 90!"

Like most people my age, I'm 23.

.

Doctors and nurses

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a...

Baby shower.

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

My daughter has got to the age where she ask embarrassing questions about sex

Such as today when she asked "Is that the best you can do?"

Police stop old man.

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick

Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.


His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?


Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."


His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.


"Well", he replied.Β  "I said I was 87!"

Yo mama so old...

... I told her to act her age, and she died.

A guy is visiting a museum of natural history.

He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.

"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.

"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."

China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but were stripped of the medal after it was revealed that Dong Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16

And they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those medalling kids.

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

My daughter is at that age where she has started asking awkward questions about sex...

Like, "Is that all you fucking got?"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

What are the funniest age jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Age? Well, here are the best Age puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Age pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes