Afterward Jokes
36 afterward jokes and hilarious afterward puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about afterward that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Afterward Short Jokes
Short afterward jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The afterward humour may include short aftermath jokes also.
- COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
- Did you hear about the guy who had to be exorcised? He couldn't pay the priest afterwards and got repossessed.
- I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed. Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.
- I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards. Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.
- How do you make a hormone? You pay her.
(This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.) - yesterday on the street I saw 2 guys vaccinating themselves It must have been their second shot because they looked woozy pretty soon afterwards
- My son's team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards. It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
- What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for two weeks afterward
- Putin recently won the Russian election with a 76.6% majority... Oddly enough 23.4% of Russian citizens were found poisoned a few days afterwards
- In 1982 elton john attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards. Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.
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Afterward One Liners
Which afterward one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with afterward? I can suggest the ones about after exam and after thanksgiving.
- Pirates never shower before they walk the plank. They just wash up on shore afterward.
- I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday I just felafel afterwards.
- I only sleep with democrats. That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.
- I don't like eating weirdly named foods I always Falafel afterwards
- I gave my mother superglue instead of her lipstick. She didn't even complain afterwards.
- I'm semi-bulemic I binge eat but forget to throw up afterwards.
- I just spotted an albino dalmation. He seemed happy to look normal afterward.
- What did the person who killed Notorious BIG say afterwards? No biggie.
- I climbed a really tall ladder. Afterwards, I was rung out.
- My wife told me to give the cat a bath.. My tongue was so sore afterwards
- My wife is much happier with a beer inside her. I just wish she'd drink it afterwards.
- I did 300 leg extensions at the gym the other day... My leg was pretty long afterwards.
- What did the bomber say afterwards?
- Why people cry during the weddings? ...they are preparing for whats coming afterwards
- I just dropped 15 pounds! But don't worry, I unplugged the toilet afterwards.
Gather Around for Fun Afterward Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about afterward you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean after shave jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make afterward pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I haven't had s**... since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.
1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
A woman in my office died.
A woman in my office died.
It's not like I didn't notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails.
Some people got upset and I was like
'Sorry - I CC dead people.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
adam and eve finally figured out the whole s**... thing...
afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.
god asks "son, where's eve?"
to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."
god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
I have a male to female trans friend who just finished her gender reassignment surgery.
I asked how she felt afterwards and she said...
"I feel hole inside!"
(This joke is not meant to be transphobic, it exists purely for the pun. Trans rights!)
I went to Japan alone and visited a temple
I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.
Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime like I do. Please grant my wish."
I went for a coffee afterwards, when I pay for the bill, I saw that all of the money I offered was back in my wallet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told an overweight joke the other day
A woman came up to me afterwards and said "You're fattist"
I looked her and said "actually....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two couples decided to swap partners for s**...
Two couples decided to swap partners for s**....
Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wedding night
A young women marries a very rich very old man. On the wedding night they have adjoining suites. The young woman tells her husband that she loves him for his mind and that he should feel no performance pressure. If he feels up to s**... to just knock on her door.
She goes to bed expecting a restful and undisturbed night but about 5 minutes later there is a knock and in comes the old man. They proceed to have fairly rambunctious s**... after which the old man returns to his room. The bride settles back to go to sleep. 10 min later there is another knock at the door and in he comes again, and another round of s**.... Afterward he again leaves. The young bride is very tired by now and is looking forward to a good night's sleep. 10 minutes later there is another knock at the door. She bursts out incredulously, "Again?". The old man opens the door and replies, "What? Have I been here before?"
The wife
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Egg timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
