Afternoon Jokes

Following is our collection of lunchtime humor and noon one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Afternoon puns for adults, dirty midday jokes or clean yesterday gags for kids.

There is an abundance of early jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 68 funniest jokes on afternoon. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any saturday witze you can hear about afternoon.

The Best jokes about Afternoon

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.

Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.

Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"


A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."


Credit goes to my mother for this one.

Helpful Daughter

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."


That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

NASA confirmed that, in the end of the afternoon of day 21, the skies are going to be very dark.

It's a phenomenon called "Night".

I was on the train this afternoon...

when I sat across from a very attractive babe from Thailand.

I spent the next 10 minutes thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, please don't get an erection". But she did.

I spent the afternoon making a belt out of herbs;

What a waist of thyme.


I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.

On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.

So the Wolf of Wall Street has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

When you get old, your hearing starts to go...

Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."

Frank's wife goes missing

Frank's wife goes missing and a week later he bumps into his friend Larry on the street. "Frank! How are you? You look a little worse for wear. Any news on your wife?"

"Hi Larry, I'm alright. They said I should be prepared for the worst."

"Oh god that's awful!" Larry sympathises.

"Yeah I know right. I had to buy all her stuff back from the thrift shop this afternoon."

My teacher said that we were going to have only half of a day of school this morning

We all cheered, then she said that we'd have the other half this afternoon.

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

A liberal, a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Afternoon, Mitt! What can I get for you?"

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."

Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.

Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.

"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.

Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"


An old friend told me this...

Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."

A man went to China.

He hired a prostitute to keep him company during the night, and when things got serious, she kept shouting a word in Chinese.


The next day, the man went to a golf course with a couple of business associates. They had a good afternoon until a person hit a hole in one. Everyone started shouting in excitement, and the man decided to join in, shouting the word he hears last night, thinking it was that of excitement.

Everyone turned to the man in silence. After a full minute of awkward silence, the one who made the shot asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

Paybacktime


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:

'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"

The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"

The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:

'MY GOD!'"

A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*ck do you think?"

A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.

One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check the rain and her glass eye fell out. She asks him to bring it up the stairs to her, which he does immediately. To say thanks, she kisses him on the mouth. Mildly surprised, he asks, "Do you do that to every guy you meet?"

And she replies, "Only the ones that catch my eye."

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"

"That would suit me just fine!!!"

Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..

While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

Gone fishing

The husband came home from work Friday afternoon and told his wife he'll be going fishing for the weekend with his friends from work. The suspicious wife ever so kindly offered to pack for him. She went unto their closet and threw a duffle bag full of clothes and toiletries together. Having loaded up his truck, the husband kissed his lovely wife goodbye and took off for the weekend.

On Sunday evening, the husband returned home. The wife cheerfully asked her husband how his weekend was. The husband exclaimed it was great and he had a great time with his friends. However, he told his wife, that he couldn't find his PJs so he was forced to sleep in his jeans the whole weekend. The wife got up from her seat and slapped her husband, and yelled "THEY WERE IN YOUR TACKLE BOX!"

Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd just sit a blow bubbles all afternoon?

Well, Bubbles is back in town and wondering how you're doing these days...

Donald Trump took Pope Francis for an afternoon on his yacht...

While they were out to sea, the Pope's hat blew off his head and into the water. While everyone ran frantically, Trump stood up and said "Hang on. I've got this"

Miraculously he walked to the platform level with the water, and continued walking across the top of the water, picked up the popes hat and walked back and returned it to him. Everyone was stunned at this they couldn't believe what they just saw!

The following morning CNN reported:

"Breaking: Donald Trump can't swim!"

Quit bugging me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Pascal!"

A man walks into a bar on a Wednesday afternoon...

The bar is empty and the bartender is busy in the back washing glasses, so the man calls out, "Hey bartender, could I get a beer please?"

The bartender pours him a beer from the tap and sets a bowl of nuts in front of him, then returns to the back to continue cleaning.

The Man is sitting there drinking his beer and eating the nuts when he hears, "Nice hat!"

He looks about, confused, and then returns to his beer and nuts.

A minute later he hears, "Nice shirt!"

Again he scans the bar, certain of what he heard, but unsure of where it came from.

One minute later he hears, "Nice boots!" And this time he realizes that the sound is coming from the bowl of nuts. He calls the bartender over and asks, "Hey bartender. What kind of nuts are you serving here?"

And the bartender responds, "Oh, those are complimentary nuts."

Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car

The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.

Guy: I would like to buy a car.

Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.

Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?

Clerk: Huh? what difference does it make, itΒ΄s 10 years from now?

Guy: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.

Credit goes to Ronald Reagan

My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex.
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Laundry

A shy young couple invent a name for making love "doing the laundry." One night the husband wakes up and asks his wife if she wants to "do the laundry."She complains that she's got a headache so the husband goes back to sleep. In the morning he asks if she'd like to "do the laundry," but his wife complains she's too tired, after having a restless night. That afternoon he asks if she's ready to "do the laundry," but she's too busy with her chores. The same evening his wife snuggles up to him and asks if he still wants to "do the laundry." "No, it's okay," he replies. "It was a small load, so i did it by hand!"

One of my favorites

A little boy and his mother are in a department store shopping one afternoon. The mother decides to try some clothes on and tells her son to wait outside the changing room for her. A few minutes later she walks out to find her son has his hand up the dress of a mannequin in the store. She quickly rushes over and slaps her sons hand exclaiming "don't ever stick your hand up a girls dress!" The boy seems confused and asks why. His mother explains that "girls have teeth up there and you could lose a finger" Never learning any different several years pass and the boy is now in his teens and has managed to get himself a girlfriend. After a couple months of making out with his girlfriend after school she one day asks him why he never puts his hand up her dress when they are kissing. The boy says "are you crazy I'm not going to put my hand up your dress, you have teeth up there and I could lose a finger." Confused the girl lifts up her dress to show him and says "what are you talking about there aren't any teeth up there" The boy takes a good long look and says "Yeah...not with gums like those"

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, I'll bet you $10 that he jumps

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, I can't take your money, I saw him jump during the afternoon broadcast.

The woman replies, Oh, I did too. I just didn't think he would do it again

A man left for work one Friday afternoon.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

3 ladies on a park bench

Three old women are sitting on a park bench one afternoon when a man in a trenchcoat walks up and exposes himself to them. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman's arms weren't long enough.

Making your day...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"

Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"

A woman was having a passionate affair with an exterminator...

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Bill,Marla and innocent son

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Why don't government employees look out of the window in the morning?

So they have something to do in the afternoon!

The Fishing Trip

On Friday afternoon, a man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go on a fishing trip with my boss. We'll be gone a week. This is a great chance for me to work on that promotion! Would you please pack some clothes for me and set out my rod and tackle box. I'll swing by the house to pick them up in an hour. Oh! And please pack my new blue pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend the husband comes home very tired, tan and happy. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he has had a good time.

I did! he says as he carries his things into the bedroom. You wouldn't believe all the fish we caught! Some bass, some catfish, and a few trout.

As he tosses his suitcase onto the bed, his wife leans against the doorjamb.

"Really." She says.

Yup, he says. Then he glances up at her, By the way, why didn't you pack my new blue pajamas like I asked?"

The wife crosses her arms and replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box."

A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she's waiting in line for an orange stand, to which the Grandma replied, Oh, I would love some oranges!

As the prostitute and her grandma came to the front of the line, the policeman asked the Grandma, How do you still do it at this age?

The Grandma replied, I just pull out my dentures, pull back the skin, and suck it dry!

Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Little Johnny getting Married!

Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

Another Southern Belle Joke:

Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon

1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."

2SB: "My My My"

3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."

2SB: "My My My"

4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."

2SB: "My My My"

(Nervous pause)

1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"

2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."

(Nervous pause)

3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"

2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"

Guy walks into a bar.

Guy walks into a bar.
The bar is empty except for a group of blonde women in the far corner chanting. "23 weeks, 23 weeks, 23 weeks"

The guy asks the barman for a beer and also asks what's all that about in the corner.

Barman says "I have no idea. They've been meeting here every afternoon for the past 23 weeks. They sit silently leaning over the table and never say a word until today."

Intrigued, the man wanders over to the group of woman. They are now hugging each other and shaking each others hands and patting each other on the back. Still chanting "23 weeks, 23 weeks, 23 weeks."

The asks them "what's all the celebrating about?"
One of the woman looks at him and says very proudly "everyone is always saying how blondes are so dumb. Well today we have just proven how intelligent we are."

The man says "well tell me, what have you done to prove blondes are intelligent?"

The woman says "well on the box of this jigsaw puzzle it says 3 years or up, and we just finished the whole puzzle in 23 weeks"

Sunday Afternoon quickie :D

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

I couldn't believe it.

I was in tears.

I could never trust her again.

I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.

Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.





I said, "bad dog".

Oh little Johnny you are a real pain

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

After years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car....

He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.

There are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available, the minister informs the man. We will have it sent to your house when it's ready.

"Three years," he responds. "What month?"

"August," says the minister.

"August? What day in August?" Asks the man.

"The Second of August," says the minister.

"Morning or Afternoon?" Asks the man.

"Why do you need to know?" Asks the minister, getting exasperated.

"The plumber is coming in the morning," the man responds.

A Preacher

A preacher is making his weekly rounds to people's houses, trying to get them to convert. He reaches one home in the afternoon, and rings the doorbell. He distinctively hears someone inside, but no one comes to answer the door, so after waiting a few minutes of knocking and asking if anyone was home, he takes out his business card and writes "Revelations 3:20" down and puts it on the doormat.

A few weeks later, after church service, an usher hands him the same business card, only this time, under "Revelations 3:20," there is another verse, "Genesis 3:10."

Here is what each of them says:

Revelations 3:20: "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10: "I heard you in the garden and I did not answer, for I was naked."

How would you like it if you didn't see me?

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Dancing in the kitchen.

Two neighbors have the hots for each other. So one afternoon when their spouses are away they are having it off. Afterwards they are having a smoke in the bed and she asks him if it was everything he imagined it would be.

"It was alright, but I must say you are pretty wide."

"What do you mean, wide?"

"Well, you do have a rather 'large hole'...

Baffled she kicks him out of her house and goes to the kitchen to fix herself a drink.

Sitting at the kitchen table she starts thinking about what he said, gets a mirror, puts it on the floor, stands over the mirror, opens her robe and begins to examen herself.

Just at that moment the neighbor's 5 year old son walks in through the backdoor.

Embarrassed, she says: "Hi Timmy, how are you? I was just doing a little dance, I really like dancing in the kitchen!"

To which the kid replies: "Do what you want, just make sure you don't fall into that hole!"

So, Steve is out playing golf with his three buddies on a beautiful Sunday afternoon...

On the 18th green, Steve is about to make his final put before they all go in and have some beers. Just before he hits the ball, however, the golfers see a funeral procession in the cemetery across the street. Steve stops what he's doing and takes his hat off, waiting for the procession to pass. His buddies, thoroughly impressed, say, "Steve, that was really cool, man. You showed a lot of respect, just now."

To which Steve says, "Well, I should. We were married for 30 years, after all."

Little Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also..'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place..

The grass is almost a foot high.'

A Venezuelan man goes to buy a car.

The car salesman says, you can pick it up in four years time.


The man asks, in the morning or the afternoon?

Salesman: does it matter?

Man: well the plumber is coming in the afternoon...

Life Time Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was in a cinema. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! At your age, I wouldn't touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son! Detector: Beep.

You must be in tech support...

My aviation management professor told this to the class on the first day today:

One afternoon, a hot-air balloon pilot decides to relax and go for a ride. After a while he ends up getting lost, having no idea where he is. So he descends closer to the ground until he ends up flying by a guy outside his house.

The pilot yells down, "Hey! Where am I?!"

The guy on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 50 feet above my house!"

Pilot: "You must be in tech support!"

Guy on ground: "Yeah, actually. How did you know?!"

Pilot: "Because everything you've told me is 100% true and 100% useless!"

Guy on the ground: "You must be in management!"

Pilot: "Yeah I am! How did you know?!"

Guy on the ground: "You don't have any idea where you are or where you're going. You're in the exact same position you were in before we met five seconds ago, but somehow it's my fault!"

A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

There was a mass shooting at the Gap store this afternoon.

They're still counting the casual Tees.

My favorite kids joke

One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:

"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"

"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."

Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:

"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"

"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"

Then bowling ball asks the mom

"Wysfodletlkqsquipeso!?"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes