Afterlife Jokes

Following is our collection of heavenly humor and hades one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Afterlife puns for adults, dirty death jokes or clean thatcher gags for kids.

There is an abundance of virgins jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 32 funniest jokes on afterlife. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any nico witze you can hear about afterlife.

The Best jokes about Afterlife

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.

So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."

Then she smiled, so I punched her.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.

"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium."

Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."


Osama Bin Laden's afterlife...

After he was killed by Seal Team Six, Osama Bin Laden immediately found himself in a large room filled with fat middle aged men wearing strange costumes.

As he looked around he saw a gigantic sign that said "Welcome fellow Trekies."

Confused by his surroundings, Osama wanted to get out of the room, only to face Muhhammed himself, blocking the door.

"This is not the paradise I was promised in the Quoran."

"Yes it is...where did you expect I'd find you 72 virgins?"

Man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening.

St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them.

Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife.

Next a room of Buddhists - all calling for the man to come in and join the splendor of the afterlife.

The next room, however, is passed by as St Peter whispers, "shhhh just skip that one. It's the Christians, they think they're the only ones here."

TIL The chicken crossing the road jokes real meaning

To get to the other side was also a comment on the afterlife, as in the "other side" as in knowing he'd die crossing the road. I'm 37, heard this joke so many times, and not once put this together till now. /mind blown

Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?

If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':

'Is that you, Steve?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

So a priest walks up to an atheist and says afterlife.

The atheist stares and says I don't get it.

The priest says I know.


Circle of life

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. 'So there is an afterlife! What's it like?' Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.' 'Oh, my God,' says Sid. 'So that's what heaven is like?' 'Oh no,' says Irv. 'I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park.'

Karens husband dies...

Karens husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts her husband.

Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Are you happy in afterlife?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Is it better than your life on earth?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?

Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?

What was the suicide bomber greeted by in the afterlife?

A group of 40 other suicide bombers.

This one is special to me. My grandfather was a jokester all his life. About a month after he died, I had a lucid dream where I was talking to him, and imagined him telling me one last joke:

Me: "Pop pop, what is the afterlife like?"

Him: "It's hot."

People ask whether I'll make cheese in my afterlife. I tell them,

There's no whey in hell.

In the afterlife, what do people celebrate?

Their Urniversary.

Sid and Irv & the afterlife

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. 'So there is an afterlife! What's it like?' Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.' 'Oh, my God,' says Sid. 'So that's what heaven is like?' 'Oh no,' says Irv. 'I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park.'

3 Men's Afterlives

Three men get into a horrible car accident, and all three die together. As they are waiting in limbo, they start talking about the Afterlife. As it turns out, one man is Muslim, one man is Buddhist, the last is Christian.

The Muslim says, "I'm going to enjoy my 40 virgins until my wife shows up!"

The Buddhist says, "Reincarnation is going to be a blast.. until I find my wife again."

The Christian man starts laughing, and the others seem puzzled.

"My wife's an athiest."


A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.

A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"

The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."

A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silver cloak, an oak staff and lead him to a decent part of heaven, the preacher protested insisting there must be a mistake.

The preacher asked why the taxi driver would get a better reward than himself even though he had preached for decades and had devoted his entire life to God. Saint Peter replied that one's place in Heaven was determined based on merit, particularly on how many people one brought closer to God during his lifetime.

The preacher protested, "Merit? MERIT! I headed a congregation of 70+ people for years! I preached my heart out. What did he do?" Saint Peter replied "true, but while you preached, people snored; while he drove... people PRAYED!"

An old man and an old woman...

An old man and an old woman are living alone. They make a pact that the one that dies first will come back and tell the other one about the afterlife.

Wouldn't you know it, one day the old man dies.

One night the old woman is laying in bed and she sees the old man floating above her. "So?" she says, "what's it like?"

"It's great!" says the old man. "I get up in the morning and have sex. Then I eat breakfast. Then I have more sex until lunch. After lunch I have more sex; that gets me to dinner. After dinner I have sex until I pass out. I wake up the next morning and do it all again."

The old woman can't believe it. "Heaven is nothing but eating and sex all day?"

"Heaven?" says the old man. "I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

Join Islam and you'll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you'll get Haiti.

If ball is life, where is the afterlife?

Ballhalla

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

Wham!

A homeless man goes to a fortune teller...

A homeless man who spends his days street performing on an old guitar for some loose change decides to spend the money on a fortune teller one day.


The fortune teller tells the homeless man that she has good news and bad news for him. The homeless asks to hear the good news first.


She begins to tell the man about his after-life. She tells him that he will meet Elvis and John Lennon in the after-life, and that the three of them together are going to be the next top hit band.


The homeless man leaps from joy, realizing his experience with the old guitar has aided him well. Having already thanked the fortune teller and shook her hand, he pauses for a moment on his way out to turn around say, "Oh yeah, I forgot to ask you what the bad news was?."


"Auditions are tomorrow."

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

What did the ancient Egyptians say when they didn't get into the afterlife?

dAMMIT.

I don't understand why Islamic extremists would blow themselves up for the prospect of getting 72 virgins in the Afterlife

Just become a Catholic priest and get it now!

2 years ago, my wife and children died in a car accident. I've been so lonely, and it's been too long, so I'm ending it all to be reunited with them in the afterlife.

Seriously, I'm dying to see them.

A Chinese General dies in battle...

And ascends to the afterlife. There The General meets the Gatekeeper of Heaven, who needs to test him to prove that he's worthy of passing on.

The Gatekeeper, without looking up from his ledger, says "I'm gonna need to know who you were and what you did in life."

The General was taken aback. "Why, I was revered across the land as a great warrior and leader of the people! I was known as the Saint of War, and some even referred to me as a god!"

The Gatekeeper looks up and studies the General for a bit, before finally saying. "Oh yeah, you were the one we were expecting. Guan, Yu."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes