After Surgery Jokes

s**... after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.

If There's h**... Below …

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.

s**... after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs

"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

A lawyer wakes up after surgery

He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn. She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."

If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

A lawyer is in the hospital..

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The nurse answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or . . . .

if you operated on the right patient.

Remember: l**... the knife is acceptable after cutting something like cake

Not after surgery

I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!"

"I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."

The doctor told me I couldn't lift large objects for two weeks after surgery.

Guess I'll be peeing sitting down for awhile.

A doctor walks into the patient's room after surgery and says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news."

"Okay," sighs the patient, "...better give me the bad news first."
The doc replies, "The bad news is I had to amputate both of your legs."
"My God!" replies the patient, "What's the good news?!!"
"The guy across the hall wants to buy your shoes."

My pet deer was addicted to painkillers after surgery so I tried to send her to rehab.....

.... but I didn't have the doe

What do you call a diabetic patient after surgery?

I lack toes.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

After surgery

Patient ask : How did the operation go, Doctor
God:Who you call Doctor?!

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he woke up after surgery?

*I am back.*

A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil

"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"
Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free.
After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.
He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

What do you call a FtM transexual that changes their mind after surgery?

redickless.

Lawyer and his wife

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

Did you hear about the guy who went to a comedy club after surgery?

He was in stitches!