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After Dinner Speech Jokes

16 after dinner speech jokes and hilarious after dinner speech puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about after dinner speech that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Entertaining After Dinner Speech Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What is a good after dinner speech joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.

The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.

His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. The first is the problem of not paying competitive salaries ..."
He then turned to the next page and read out, "From now on, you unappreciative pig, you're on your own ..."

A certain TV station was a hosting a contest and I happened to be the first caller

The host said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a basic maths question."
"Well, I've got a master's in mathematics" I proudly replied.
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Donald Trump's speech and to meet him back stage, followed by dinner with Mike Pence....
What is 2+2?"
I replied, "767.37"

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a m**....

 The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the m**..., the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness account, the audience barely reacted, some even yawning! A Czech prince, full of indignation, demanded of a courtier, Why are the people so bored with my father's speech? The courtier replied, Don't you know? These days you get no interest in a Czech King account.

Two Kings Witness a m**...

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a m**.... The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the m**..., the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness account, the audience barely reacted, some even yawning! A Czech prince, full of indignation, demanded of a courtier, "Why are the people so bored with my father's speech?" The courtier replied, "Don't you know? These days you get no interest in a Czech King account."

At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire all your accomplishments. Tell me, after all these years, do you still remember what you carried in the brown paper bag?" "Sure, son," he said. "I had $500,000 in cash and $1,000,000 in negotiable securities."

The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home.
At dinner, he said to his wife: the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife....
After a moment he tried to recall the second line......
By the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot soup poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste.

A German baby was adopted by a wealthy couple

He grew into a happy, healthy boy, except for one thing: he never spoke.
After five years of silence, little Wolfgang's parents began to worry that he might have a disability. They took him to all the best pediatricians and speech therapists, but none could provide a solution.
One night after dinner, Wolfgang was served his dessert. Suddenly he cried out, "Mother! This strudel is a bit tepid!"
"Wolfgang!" his mother exclaimed, "You can speak! All these years, you've been silent. Why haven't you spoken to me before now?"
"Well," Wolfgang said, "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Maths" I replied.
"O.k then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Trump's next speech and to meet him back stage, followed by dinner with him... What is 2+2 ?"
"767.37" I replied,

Einsteinium

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform.
After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.
Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

Speechmaking

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
edit=correct word(s)

Anti-matter

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken i**... drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about s**...." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his s**... life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about s**...." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his s**... life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about s**...." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his s**... life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

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