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After Dinner Jokes

104 after dinner jokes and hilarious after dinner puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about after dinner that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest After Dinner Short Jokes

Short after dinner jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The after dinner humour may include short evening meal jokes also.

  1. If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
  2. If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi."
    Why him?
    "More food for me."
  3. I think my family is racist
    I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
  4. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza. I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
  5. When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys." Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
  6. My wife asked me, Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating? So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents' house.
  7. Two Karens are out having dinner The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
  8. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
  9. My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary? A play on words.
  10. I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly... She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

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After Dinner One Liners

Which after dinner one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with after dinner? I can suggest the ones about afternoon and after exam.

  1. What did the cannibal get when he was late to the dinner party? The cold shoulder.
  2. What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.
  3. What is a government mandate? When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.
  4. I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!
  5. Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
  6. What does 69 plus 69 equal ? Dinner for 4
  7. A canibal shows up late to a dinner He ended up getting the cold shoulder
  8. My wife treats me like a God Every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
  9. I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
  10. Wife: "Would you like dinner?" Husband: "What are my choices?"
    Wife: "Yes or No"
  11. What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner? The cold shoulder
  12. The cannibal was late to dinner He was given the cold shoulder
  13. Joke from my 4.5 yo son Where does a T-rex go for dinner?
    A DINE-osaur restaurant!
  14. What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party? He got the cold shoulder.
  15. What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner? All rice, all rice, all rice

After Dinner Bowls Jokes

Here is a list of funny after dinner bowls jokes and even better after dinner bowls puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Last night for dinner I ate 4 bowls of alphabet soup This morning I had a crazy vowel movement
  • What do Ethiopians get for Dinner A bowl o'

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty After Dinner Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about after dinner you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean afterward jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make after dinner pranks.

A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents

Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend's crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.
After dinner, the girl's mom tells her, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?"
"Oh please mom." the girl begged. "If he wasn't a nice person why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?

Dad, are bugs good to eat..?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table...

I needed a running start, but I did it!

After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don't want to have kids...

We'll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.

A little boy asked his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's not appropriate dinner table conversation, son," said his dad. "We can talk about that later."

After dinner the man said, "Now, son, what were you trying to ask me before?"

"Oh, nothing," said the boy. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 
The teacher fainted...

How do you tell male flies from female flies?

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

Dad, are bugs good to eat? asked the boy. Let's not talk about such things at the dinner table, son, his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, Now, son, what did you want to ask me?

Oh, nothing, the boy said. There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.

Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter e**... the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"

A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.
The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."
The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.
They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.
In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.
The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!

Sherlock and Watson take a vacation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date

So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

Dad, are bugs good to eat?

That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner, the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, Now, son, what did you want to ask me?
Oh, nothing, the boy says. There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.

A Bug Story

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

I had a blind date tonight

She bolted after dinner when I told her I wasn't her husband.

When you're on a date, how do you politely tell a lady that you need to go to the bathroom?

"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Why was the Italian locked out after dinner?

because he had 'gnocchi'

What do rodents do after dinner?

Gopher a walk.

A little boy answered a knock at the door...

A little boy answered a knock at the door to find a well-dressed woman.
"Is your mother home?" she asked, politely.
"Uh uh," he said.
"Okay," she said, put off by his lack of manners. "Is your father home?"
"Nope. He done gone to work and he ain't gonna be back 'til after dinner."
"Young man," she said sternly. "Where's your grammar?"
"She's in the kitchen... Bakin' cookies."
*

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

A son, who had rejected his father's wish for him to follow in his footsteps as an ornithologist and left home as a young man, returns many years later. After dinner, the two go for a walk.

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"
Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.
"Carrion, my wayward son."

Dad, are bugs ok to eat?

"That's disgusting, don't ever talk about that over dinner"
After dinner, dad asks
"What was that all about?"
"There was a bug in your soup, it's now gone"

Babe why are you so quiet?

"Babe why are you so quiet?" Bob's girlfriend asked him after dinner. "I invited you over to meet my parents, not to stare at your plate all night!" Bob replies "Well, I went to the pharmacy to pick up some condoms and asked the pharmacist to help me choose some." "And?" The girlfriend says. "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist." Bob says

Brown Pants

During the French and Indian Wars in North America, the French captured a British Officer during an engagement. Later that evening the French officers gathered and dined with the new captive.

After dinner the French commander asked their prisoner Sir, we have been wondering why British officers wear a red coat, as it makes you an obvious target for our sharpshooters . The British officer replied We wear it so that if we are wounded, the sight of our blood does not panic our men .
Ever since that day, French Officers have worn brown pants.

What did the man say after taking a small french woman to his room after dinner?

Bon a petite

Presidential clock

After dinner one night, Bill Clinton drops his pants and points at his manhood, telling Hillary if she is going to be President, she better get to know the Presidential clock. She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!"

This one was from my daughter after dinner.

What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash?
IMPASTA!

Doctor Who was still hungry after dinner....

So he went back four seconds.

What did my Indian mom say to my Indian aunt just as she was at the door leaving after dinner?

they are still exchanging goodbyes

What do we want? A cure for obesity. When do we want it?

After dinner!

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"
I said, "What's wrong with you?!"
"Nothing, I'm a self loathing dishwasher."
Co-Written by: IveyRoney

Why did the vampire feel tired after dinner?

All the blood had rushed to his stomach.

What does a Jewish person say to their kids after dinner?

"Clean up Yiddish!"

What do they serve at the s**... restaurant after dinner?

c**...-mints

Why was the man upset?

A man spends the whole day fishing but comes back home holding a duck. When he opens the door he says this is the pig I've been telling you about all day. Wife says, but that's a duck. The man says I wasn't talking to you.
Now the man is upset, because he can't eat the duck anymore after he just roasted his pig. But then after dinner the man gets even more upset, but not because his dinner tasted like fish, but because it was the worst fish he had all day!

Why don't Ethiopians watch jimmy Fallon's late night show?

Because it's after dinner.

What do you call an empty town after dinner?

Desserted

What do you call bolognaise you find stuck in your teeth?

After dinner mince.

What's the definition of a gentleman?

A person that can play bagpipes after dinner, but doesn't.

A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner.

'Much obliged', said he, pushing the plate aside, 'I am not accustomed to taking my wine in pills'.
Quote by Brillat-Savarin

Everyone knows you usually eat pudding with a spoon, but do you know why it's my favorite thing to eat after dinner?

It's an un-fork-edible dessert.

How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

One after breakfast, one after dinner.

What's it called when a scientist splits the check with a girl after dinner?

Carbon dating

Help With The Dishes

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table… … I'll try, but I'll need some chalk for my cue.

Which Star Wars character was still hungry after dinner?

Onli-Wan Perogi

What did the teddy bear say after dinner?

Im stuffed

I ate at this restaurant last night. After dinner they gave us some strange cookies. I ate that cookie right away but my friends all removed a small paper message from theirs.

That cost me a fortune

What do cannibals use for an after dinner mint?

Mentos, the fresh maker.

At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire all your accomplishments. Tell me, after all these years, do you still remember what you carried in the brown paper bag?" "Sure, son," he said. "I had $500,000 in cash and $1,000,000 in negotiable securities."

A teacher asks some of her students about manners at the table.

A teacher asks some of her students about manners while on a date. She asked Billy how he would excuse himself from the table. Billy replied, "I'll be back. I have to go pee". The teacher said, "that would be rude and impolite. What about you, Jimmy? How would you say it?" Jimmy replied, "I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be back". The teacher said, "that's better, but saying 'bathroom' at the table should be avoided. What about you, Timmy? Do you know the answer for once?" Timmy said, "Ma'am, may I be excused? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll meet after dinner."

A family decides to invite their priest over for dinner...

They have a great dinner talking about religion and how it helps with their daily lives. After dinner when the priest leaves, the wife comes back to the table to find out that one of their silver spoons is missing. The wife asks her husband if it might be the priest but the husband says that it cant be as he is a righteous man. The wife decides to let it go.
The following year they decide to invite the priest for dinner again. This time as the priest sits down at the table, the wife cannot help herself but ask if the priest had taken their spoon last year. The priest looks at her and says, I left it between the pages of your bible.

My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"

I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why don't you guys ask me to pay anymore?". They looked at me and said "Your in college now, there is no point in asking, we KNOW you don't have money"

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping...

After dinner, they drink some whisky and fall asleep in their tent. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and asks Watson if he sees anything particular.
Watson: Holmes:
Watson:
Holmes:
Sorry for the poor english, but it's not my native language.

A German baby was adopted by a wealthy couple

He grew into a happy, healthy boy, except for one thing: he never spoke.
After five years of silence, little Wolfgang's parents began to worry that he might have a disability. They took him to all the best pediatricians and speech therapists, but none could provide a solution.
One night after dinner, Wolfgang was served his dessert. Suddenly he cried out, "Mother! This strudel is a bit tepid!"
"Wolfgang!" his mother exclaimed, "You can speak! All these years, you've been silent. Why haven't you spoken to me before now?"
"Well," Wolfgang said, "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

Her: what to do after dinner? Me: pay the

check and mate

What do Pedophiles hand out after dinner? Under eights

Sherlock and Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

The Smiths invite the Jones' over for dinner...

After dinner, Mrs. Smith is cleaning dishes in the kitchen while Mr. Smith entertains their guests. He begins to tell them about a great restaurant that he recently went to with his wife, but can't remember the name of the establishment.
Mr. Smith: "The food was amazing, great service, but I can't recall the name! Help me out... what's that red flower, it's really fragrant, and people give them out on Valentine's Day?"
The Jones': "You mean a rose?"
Mr. Smith: "Yes that's it! HEY ROSE! WHAT WAS THAT RESTAURANT WE ATE AT LAST WEEK?!"

What do waiters want most after dinner?

The tip!

God Will Provide

A young, very religious man goes home with his girlfriend to meet her parents for the first time. Her father is naturally very skeptical of the young man, and after dinner has a quick heart-to-heart with him.
"Now I know you are interested in marrying my daughter. She is the apple of my eye and I cannot trust her with just any man. My first question to you young man is how do you intend on providing for my daughter?"
"God will provide" he replied.
Not satisfied with this response, the father asked again "No seriously, how do you intend on taking care of my daughter?"
Again he said, "God will provide."
Realizing he wasn't going to get a better answer, the two exited the room. Later that night the father was talking with his wife while cleaning the dishes.
Mom asks "So how did your talk with our daughter's boyfriend go?"
Father goes, "Well...he thinks I'm God."

Einsteinium

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

An old man and an old woman...

An old man and an old woman are living alone. They make a pact that the one that dies first will come back and tell the other one about the afterlife.
Wouldn't you know it, one day the old man dies.
One night the old woman is laying in bed and she sees the old man floating above her. "So?" she says, "what's it like?"
"It's great!" says the old man. "I get up in the morning and have s**.... Then I eat breakfast. Then I have more s**... until lunch. After lunch I have more s**...; that gets me to dinner. After dinner I have s**... until I pass out. I wake up the next morning and do it all again."
The old woman can't believe it. "Heaven is nothing but eating and s**... all day?"
"Heaven?" says the old man. "I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

What does Ernie have after dinner?

Deburt!

What do they pass around after dinner at Buckingham Palace?

Under Eights.

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a s**..., and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.
"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"
"Officer or enlisted Sir?" was the instant reply.
"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"
"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."
"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"
The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

So these two couples had known each other for decades, and would meet once a month for dinner.

It was always the same routine, they would meet at one couples house, and after dinner the women would go to the kitchen to clean up and catch up (not saying it's not sexist, but they were raised in different times) and the men would go to the living room for some catching up of their own.
The o**... says "So anything fun happen for you lately?" to which the other guy replies "Yeah...I saw a movie last week that was pretty good".
The first guy then says "Really? What was the name of it so maybe we could see it?" and the second guy replies "Oh geez, my memory is so bad......what's the name of those red flowers with the long stem and thorns?" to which the first guy replies "You mean a rose?"
"Yeah, yeah that's it." and over his shoulder he yells "Hey Rose, what's the name of that movie we saw last week?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

Sorry if re-post, a friend sent it to me over a text, and I thought it was worthy enough to go on here!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After dinner, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged Watson.
"Watson, look up at the sky. tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see billions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

The Monks and the Merchant. A joke penned by Leonardo Da Vinci

Franciscan begging Friars are wont, at certain times, to keep fasts, when they do not eat meat in their convents. But on journeys, as they live on charity, they have license to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars on their travels, stopped at an inn, in company with a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where, from the poverty of the inn, nothing was served to them but a small roast chicken. The merchant, seeing this to be but little even for himself, turned to the friars and said: "If my memory serves me, you do not eat any kind of flesh in your convents at this season." At these words the friars were compelled by their rule to admit, without cavil, that this was the truth; so the merchant had his wish, and eat the chicken and the friars did the best they could. After dinner the messmates departed, all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of some width and depth. All three being on foot--the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other from avarice--it was necessary by the custom of company that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders: so having given his wooden shoes into his keeping, he took up his man. But it so happened that when the friar had got to the middle of the river, he again remembered a rule of his order, and stopping short, he looked up, like Saint Christopher, to the burden on his back and said: "Tell me, have you any money about you?"--"You know I have", answered the other, "How do you suppose that a Merchant like me should go about otherwise?" "Alack!" cried the friar, "our rules forbid as to carry any money on our persons," and forthwith he dropped him into the water

"Honey,my hands are freezing!"

A young couple go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey,my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing ! "
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing ! "
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold? "

My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"s**...." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

First time s**...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s**... before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and s**....
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was the pharmacist!"

Proper Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

Gentleman's way

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?" the teacher asked. "Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said. The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table." "And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Doctors convention.

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have s**.... After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

Anti-matter

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

So I was playing Golf toady.

I was solo and decided just to get partnered up at the Club house. After a little bit I was partnered with this fairly lovely lady. We went out playing and started chatting it up. We were laughing and talking and finding out we have a lot in common. though all the fun though we were not actually playing very well. By the time we got to the 18th hole we both had pretty difficult putts ( I was 25 feet on a bad lie and she was slightly closer on the same lie )
I had been enjoying my time with her so much I made her a deal. I told her if I made the putt I would take her out to dinner ( if she didn't mind ) at one of the best restaurants on the island. I lined up and hit the ball after a tense moment the ball passed the cup but stopped and rolled back dropping in.
I guess she didn't want to be out done, so she turns to me and says. " If I make this putt, after dinner I will invite you back to my place for drinks. We can relax in my hot tub and drink Champagne and see what happens from there, but only if I make this putt."
Hearing her proposal I quickly walk up to her and ask her to let me help her line up the putt. She agrees. So I walk up to her ball bending down and pick it up, then handing it back to her. She looks at me and asks me what am I doing? I look back at her with a straight face and tell her " That's a gimmie if I ever saw one "

THE MAN of the Italian house

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._
Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of s**... that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f**...' f**... director would be my first guess"

An ex-con goes out on a date...

So an ex-con is walking around the mall with his girlfriend after dinner, when they happen across a Jewelry store. The girlfriend eyes one of the necklaces on display in the window and says, "Wow, I'd sure love to have a necklace like that around my neck!" Nonchalantly, the ex-con smashes the window with a brick and hands his girlfriend the necklace, saying, "Anything for my baby."
They continue walking along and soon enough happen across a high-end clothing store. The girlfriend eyes one of the dresses on display in the window and says, "Wow, I'd sure love to have a dress like that to wear to parties!" Nonchalantly, the ex-con smashes the window with another brick and hands his girlfriend the dress, saying, "Anything for my baby."
They continue walking along and soon enough happen across a car dealership. The girlfriend eyes one of the Mercedes on display in the window and says, "Wow, I'd sure love to have that Mercedes to drive around town in!" The ex-con pauses and replies: "What? You think I'm made out of bricks?"

jokes about after dinner